so even though I didn't start hormones until July, I'm counting this as the start, it's the day I came out to my first friend, and everything just took off after that! I'm still not totally out yet, I'm hoping to be out and living full time by May but a lot of that depends on getting my own apartment, which I'm hoping to have by April. I have a private facebook group to post about my transition and I've only added like 8 or 9 of my friends to it, so this morning I wrote them a message that I want to share with everyone here:
A year ago today is when it all began! I was working up in Troy and I was having an awful week and a lot had been going through my head. A couple conversations had been building up to something I was waiting to say for years but could never find the courage to. At this point I was a month sober and I realized that something was different. I messaged Phrank and asked if he had more clarity in his life after he stopped drinking and he said yes and that he had less brain fog. So after verifying that I'm not just imagining things I decided that if being a woman is still something I wanted when I'm finally thinking clearer than I have in years then it was something I had to pursue. I sent Beth a text asking her to message me on facebook later that night when she had the time. I was so nervous, I was shaking, it was hard to type but I got through the conversation and I felt like everything was going to be ok, I felt loved and for the first time in years I felt hopeful. I used to have trouble sleeping, which is a huge reason why I drank every night. When I stopped drinking I still needed to use sleeping pills to help me settle down for the night. This was my first night without pills or beer. I remember waking up an hour or so after I went to bed and it looked like there was this weird haze around my room, it was very odd but comforting, it felt like something was leaving me, like I had been exorcised.
I came out to a few more friends over the next week and then more over the next few months and I've come such a long way since then! This is what sparked the motivation to lose weight and to drop my awful outlook on life. I truly regret the person I used to be, not just because I was trying to be a man, but because I was an awful man, I was offensive and disgusting and there's always been a part of me that was a good person but for some reason I was holding that back. I've learned to love myself and I am no longer repulsed when I look in the mirror. I haven't dressed in women's clothes or done my full makeup in over a month now and I'm almost happy about that because even without that I can still look in the mirror and see a woman. Makeup and clothing are all exterior, I feel like a woman on the inside and that's what's important, I really like the person I'm becoming and I don't hate myself anymore. I was looking at some conversations from about a year ago and even since then I've come a long way with my mannerisms and way of thinking, I'm progressing in very positive ways!
When it comes down to it, I think that accepting myself and deciding to transition has saved my life. If it wasn't for this I would probably still have my bad eating habits and I wouldn't have lost as much weight as I did, and I probably would have gotten back into drinking heavily and I'm sure that it would have led me to an early grave and I would have been miserable until I got there, an early death would have been a relief. Thank you to all of you who have been so supportive and helpful over this last year, I have no idea where I would be without you and I love you all dearly. You mean the world to me <3
