A few weeks ago I posted under the title "Why?". As many of you pointed out, and I knew, we may never know why. The analytical part of me always wants to understand why and how something is.

Nevertheless, regardless of why, I know that I have always wanted to experience and interact with the world as a woman. At the moment, my opportunities to do that are limited (nonexistent to be more accurate) because of where I live. I'm visiting the US where I can be out and about as myself. I was doing so with friends the other day and was overwhelmed with the sense of touching the world as a woman and interacting with the world as a woman.

So it's onward I restarted HRT after a several month hiatus. I'm giving the woman within the opportunity to express herself. Although I consider myself a long way from passable, I have nevertheless decided that the only way that I can come to terms with this is to be out in the world as much as possible. I do my best at looking presentable. People have generally been very kind to me - e.g. the pharmacist from whom I picked up my  HRT medications yesterday asked me what name I wanted on the prescription and was very respectful. Of course, she knew exactly what is going on with me.

I am overwhelmed; I am frightened. But the woman within is tired of being invisible, tired of not being able to express herself, tired of not being able to experience life. And, she is thrilled when she is able to see herself and be seen in the world. Thank God for supportive friends and a patient, experienced therapist to guide me through this process, and online places like Susan's where we can support one another.

Anne



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Hey Anne.  I have been all over the map asking similar questions as you, had great support and then none, been on Susans and then stopped during some craziness and am now back.  I may well be crazy as the Mad Hatter, but I think I have learned a couple of things. 
     Despite anything I might have thought, I have come to realize that this need, whatever you want to call it, does not seem to go away and once I had experienced how relaxed I was and how easy I seemed to fit into the female world anything else ran a distant second place, in spite of real attempts to stay in the male world.
      While trying to not lose my faith in the value of relationships with other humans, I had to realize that some will see me and some won't and this is not up to me, but them.  There is no fault with me regarding those who choose not to see WHO I am, but only fixate on WHAT I am.  Sad as it is, there is nothing I can do about it .
     That having been said, nothing then remains except me, the only thing I can do anything about.  I had to chose as though I was alone on the earth and free to choose in my interest only.  This isn't like choosing the color of your next car, some things can be compromises without much problem if necessary.  This a choice that affects how I see myself and whether I like that person in the mirror.  A decision so important that it has to be understood that it can affect my future relationships in a big way.  If I don't like myself, everything going forward will be tainted.  So I have to choose for me and am not being selfish in doing so if I choose that which makes me happy with myself.  This is for me and anyone I might meet in the future.
     I hope you continue to have good friends and support, but accept that may change the farther down the rabbit hole you go.  I any case, some will stay, and who they are may surprise you.  This journey  does offer some serious perspective changing opportunities.  I have had quite a few rethinks on my trip so far, all have been welcome and I have accepted them as opportunities for real growth and understanding.
     I have had to give up the idea that I knew much of anything about what was happening to me and, to some extent, that I ever would. In many ways I've just given up and surrendered to changes I seem compelled to make.  To analyze this has taken me to the edge of madness and just caused more anguish to an already broken heart.
     I don't know why this happened, I don't really understand how I got here, I don't think there is anything I can do about it if I try not to accept it.  So I have just accepted that for some reason I have found a happy place and that's enough reason to go there.  Toni

As someone who does not blend in well as a woman, I can relate to fears of "not passing".  But you might do better than you think too (I'm often plesently surprised), and I'm glad your letting the world know who you are.  You don't need to pass as a woman because you *are* a woman!

My first HRT prescription involved the pharmacist calling me over to the consultation window and repeating the phrase "This is estrogen" three times while I said "Yes, I know."  She probably still thinks she's poisoning some poor guy with estrogen!  She never said anything else - just "This is estrogen" which I can't say was a very useful consultation, but it's pretty funny when I look back on it now. 

I wish you the best of luck, Miss!

Hi Toni - I am not sure where you come from, but I assume from somewhere with winter to the subtropical Bangkok. I have come from the subtropics to winter.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. You hit on the struggles that I have been dealing with: the why is not resolvable; I did not choose this, it has chosen me; I can choose to accept this and learn to love myself for who I am rather try to deny it and end up hating who I am, which is where I have been. Relinquishing control has been difficult as I have spent a lifetime trying to control this. But that is the process that I am in - learning to accept and enjoy who I am.

I would love the opportunity to have further discussions with you at some point in the future.

I am excited for you and a bit envious of the stage you are at. I trust all will go well with you upcoming surgery.

Brook


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Quote from: ToriJo on February 10, 2018, 08:14:09 AM
As someone who does not blend in well as a woman, I can relate to fears of "not passing".  But you might do better than you think too (I'm often plesently surprised), and I'm glad your letting the world know who you are.  You don't need to pass as a woman because you *are* a woman!

My first HRT prescription involved the pharmacist calling me over to the consultation window and repeating the phrase "This is estrogen" three times while I said "Yes, I know."  She probably still thinks she's poisoning some poor guy with estrogen!  She never said anything else - just "This is estrogen" which I can't say was a very useful consultation, but it's pretty funny when I look back on it now. 

I wish you the best of luck, Miss!

Hi Tori Jo - thanks for your reply. Yes, I'm coming to that conclusion that who I am is not dependent on my "passing". It is an amazing revelation to come to that realization that I am a woman.

This is my second round with starting HRT. The first time the pharmacist wanted to make sure that I understood what these medications could do to me. She was a little more informative than it sounds like your pharmacist was. Our process does provide for interesting reactions.

Thanks again,
Brook


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Thanks for the kind thoughts, Brook.  Please feel free to PM me any time.  Working through this stuff together is what it's all about, good for you AND good for me.  I know how tough it is.  Hugs, Toni

Hello Brook,

You are working your way along a difficult journey. The struggles of not living in the states and other constraints are tough. I wish you the best, just know that we are here for you and many of us have experienced the trials that you are facing, they are not easy! Get hold of me if you need help processing. And congratulations of starting up the hrt again!

Be strong sister,
Tia Anne