Over the past I dunno, six years, I've had this nagging feeling in my mind that I am wrong, I should be a girl.
Then I have months where it's all I can think about!  I AM A GIRL! my mind screams that at me as loud as it can all day.

Then the last week I have felt nothing. I admit I've been busy at work and quite self destructive when low (which I have been) but there have been no thoughts of being female at all.
I have been buying female clothes online (a kinda clothing ebay with real cheap things) as I need some new clothes, but then I think to myself why am I buying 5these when I am not feeling I am a girl?

I don't feel like a man in particular, I feel quite genderless.

I think nothers being able to afford the private treatment (it'd be a £500 set up fee) has really destroyed my good mood and maybe I don't feel female as I am just low.
I don't know.

Can I be trans without it being in my head all the while?
Was the last six years some kind of weird ego trip to get sympathy?
I'm doubting myself, doubting that any of this is real.

We can't diagnose you, or anyone else.  That's between the professionals and you.

But...  being transgender is largely self-diagnosed, and simply requires some sense of a gender incongruity between the body and mind.  I would guess that this gender incongruity exists in you, from what you have written here, so my personal opinion would be that you could very well be a transgender person.

Being genderless, or agender, also can fall under the transgender umbrella.   I and others here have mentioned feeling genderless when very low.  In my opinion this is a symptom of the deep depression and anxiety we can feel when we are trying to deal with the discomfort we have felt for a long time from our gender incongruity.

Being busy is actually a way that some of us cope with this discomfort.  It lets us think about and focus on something other than our gender issues, essentially a distraction from our issues.  I often felt even more down when I dodged facing my issues and dove into work.

I don't think this is an ego trip or something not real for you, based on what you write.

Getting access to therapy in some form could be a very good first step for you, to help clarity your thinking and better express what you are going through and dealing with.

Be well, Katie, and find a path to joy from here.

This is me also, i have sometimes gone years maybe? w/o thinking i am a girl I WANT TO BE FEMALE!, but also just hating being a guy still

Then like now it can be screaming at me I WANT TO BE FEMALE? WHY ARENT I FEMALE? *looks up at the sky* MAKE ME A WOMEN

Im not even a religious person LOL i identify as Agnostic but still its there, even these past few nights ive been praying to have the strength to be a girl full time, and become anatomically female,

But then still last year, and other times in the past its just maybe been a little whisper i want to be female, or if i was a girl maybe i wouldnt have had that happen to me, or had to do....

And then lets not get started on my sexuality, a big part of this is actually why i am Asexual its just been to confusing to add dating into this

Lastly i still dress as a man, but sometimes i just wanna throw all my boy clothes in the bin and start wearing female clothes, however when i did last try cross dressing i would always get hard at first i liked it but then i didnt so i stopped cross dressing and havent done it for some time actually i  dont even have access to any girls clothes i could really wear and im too scared to get my own right now

I guess no matter what stage you are at everyone questions if they are or not

My darling, you've been here a while, made 70-odd posts on a forum that is for ladies, gentlemen and those of neither persuasion.

Quite simply, that is very unlikely for a CIS person to do, so in taking that at face value, all that remains is a little professional guidance to see where you feel most comfortable under the great umbrella.

Rowan

A wise lady here told me a few times that a cis male doesn't have the thoughts I have.  That is probably my final push.  Still see a therapist, it will help and they know how to ask the right questions.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 11, 2018, 07:16:43 AM
A wise lady here told me a few times that a cis male doesn't have the thoughts I have.  That is probably my final push.  Still see a therapist, it will help and they know how to ask the right questions.

Bari Jo

Thats exactly it!
I DO think all males think like this and it's going to be difficult to dissuade me of this

Quote from: Bari Jo on February 11, 2018, 07:16:43 AM
A wise lady here told me a few times that a cis male doesn't have the thoughts I have.  That is probably my final push.  Still see a therapist, it will help and they know how to ask the right questions.

Bari Jo

This is so true!  My thought patterns and self has stayed the same which is far different than the norm for cis-males.  I've been thinking with a woman's mind and didn't know it for so long.  Looking back, it's kinda obvious to me now.

Well your gender marker is F.  You are here reading posts.  You are questioning your gender.  In my opinion that makes you transgender.  If you are agender why would you have chosen F as your gender marker? Even subconsciously?

Have you gone out for significant periods of time and experienced what it feels like for other people to address you as ma'am? Refer to you as she?
If you haven't then that would be a good way to finally answer your questions.

So, I go out this morning to a local gambling place.  If you gamble, your drinks are free but I usually drink bottled water.

Anyway, I forgot to ask for the water and I made the comment to the person who works there along with a woman standing near-by that if I didn't have my ID on me I wouldn't know who I was.

The woman responded, oh, you'd be a Jane Doe.  While I was presenting male, I guess there are subtle changes going on that seem to be picked up by other women including that I smell kind of vanilla-ish.

Quote from: CallMeKatie on February 11, 2018, 08:12:03 AM
Thats exactly it!
I DO think all males think like this and it's going to be difficult to dissuade me of this

But they don't. 

Cis folk may occasionally wonder what it would be like or even what they might look like as the opposite gender.  They don't ever want to be or think that they are supposed be the the other gender.

It doesn't necessarily mean anything that you have periods where you don't have these feelings.  I was off and on like that  for 50 years before figuring out that I needed to transition.


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Quote from: CallMeKatie on February 11, 2018, 01:38:14 AM
Can I be trans without it being in my head all the while?
Was the last six years some kind of weird ego trip to get sympathy?
I'm doubting myself, doubting that any of this is real.

In my humble opinion, you are trans.  I have experienced exactly what you describe. In fact today even I was generally feeling genderless as I was busy and my mind was occupied until I had to pick something delicate up and with these nails, I could only do that in a very girly way which made me think girly again (which was nice).

I guess that's the point.  If someone referrs to you as sir, man, dude, etc and it makes you feel uncomfortable but if someone referrs to you as girl, lady, woman etc and it makes you feel nice then that speaks volumes to me.

From what I have read, this is quite normal behaviour and these feelings seem to come in waves. ebb and flo.

Hope this helps you girl!

V x

Please don't worry as doubting is something we all experience and I suspect you are indeed Transgender.

Over the years my dysphoria has come and gone and I buried it and reburied it but it only came back to haunt me and much more prominently.

Cispeople do not think about being the other gender not do they have the mind or spirit of the other gender.

I do not think your situation is a passing fantasy.

I am sorry you cannot afford proper private Transgender treatment at present.

I hope NHS can at least provide you with some counselling.

Good luck for the future

Pamela

Quote from: CallMeKatie on February 11, 2018, 08:12:03 AM
Thats exactly it!
I DO think all males think like this and it's going to be difficult to dissuade me of this

Then my dear, you must ask yourself, WHY do they think this way.  Chances are you won't be able to come up with a logical answer?