This is something I've been thinking about the past few days. I've been trying to think about what it was like to be the person I used to be, and I'm finding it difficult. I have the memories of those days, but I can't put those memories in emotional context. All it seems like is a melange of depression, anxiety, and dysphoria.

It doesn't help that I have so little in common with that person. Our thoughts, opinions, relationships, attitudes, emotions are oceans apart. The most apt metaphor I can come up with is a Doctor Who style regeneration, old memories with a new body, mind, and personality.

So, I wonder, if you've made some in roads into whatever transition means to you, how do you think about past you? Are they a shell? A prison? A previous regeneration? Or something else?

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My pre relisation self was someone who lived in the shadows not wanting to be seen, someone who yried to live other lifes through mmogs. Someone who dad actions based on what other people expect id do in that situation.

I havent transitioned yet although my wife says im already changing. My eyes are open.

I look at it as my stupid phase

Quote from: Colleen_definitely on February 09, 2018, 06:44:04 PM
I look at it as my stupid phase

Same are we too hard on ourselves? Maybe but hey that's in the past (well almost for me) so that's good!

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As doing all the hard work to get where I am now. Kids, Family, Three degrees, finding a job, moving internationally. An important part of my life to be respected and who forms the core of who I am now.

Quote from: Allison S on February 09, 2018, 06:52:14 PM
Same are we too hard on ourselves? Maybe but hey that's in the past (well almost for me) so that's good!

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I don't dwell on it and I don't get depressed over it. I just sort of look back and say "all of that stuff you did would have been a lot easier if your weren't so stinking stubborn"

Quote from: Colleen_definitely on February 09, 2018, 07:01:55 PM
I don't dwell on it and I don't get depressed over it. I just sort of look back and say "all of that stuff you did would have been a lot easier if your weren't so stinking stubborn"

I like to think of that stubborness as tenacity in myself [emoji4] I think it'll do good during transition and to see it to the end whenever that'll be..

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It's a great asset once you redirect it toward transition. A lot of my peers who started transition about the same time as me aren't as far along and my tenacity and drive are a big part of why.

Just another shed skin, necessary in order to grow past the restrictions.

There have been many.

I feel like from the point my memories begin, until now, I've been driving in a car that can't stop and that I can't leave. Therefore, the only thing to do is use my memories to construct a mental map of the world, and drive to the place I think will be the nicest. However, since even if I reach this destination I can't stop, I'm constantly updating my map in order to find a place that will be even nicer, and then driving there instead.

The process of getting rid of my internalized transphobia has been like a major update to this map, and the resulting taking on of my gender dysphoria has been like a major destination change. Therefore, going back to the metaphor, while my memories tell me that it's always been me driving, how I view my memories is very different now.

My memories of my pre-transition self also aren't very rich, and filled with anxiety, depression and dysphoria. My guess is because I don't often attempt to empathize with my pre-transition self. If I did so, though, my emotional impression of my pre-transition memories would probably become richer the more I did it.

i don't think so much about my pre-transition self, but when i do, i find it somewhat hard to think of us as the same person. i know we are, though, because we have everything in common, with the exception of how we look and how happy we are, and how we present ourselves to others. i also refer to myself pre-transition in third person a lot of the time, which is almost definitely because in a way that person no longer exists, but is instead a memory i'd like to carry forward, yknow?

During that time I was trying to fit in, and then when I realized that I am truly female, I stopped trying to fit into the the male facade, and started searching for a way to change my body to fit my female gender; and then I made a plan and just went for it!  I really think that my core personality is still pretty much the same; I'm still shy, a joker, very friendly, and warm hearted 😊

I see it as just acting out a role defined for me by my father and society then later on by my wife and family.  I don't have many memories from my childhood at all really except wanting desperately to be a robot.  Then I would not have to deal with emotions and I would be separate from the human race.  Later on I buried myself into hobbies an work. Got excellent grades at Uni. Worked hard on my Masters and PhD then had a nervous breakdown (workload, relationship and sexuality issues) which cost me my PhD and job.  I guess it's all part of who I am, but I just wish I had allowed myself to relax and just be 'me', not what others expected.

I love the Dr Who regeneration analogy.  In fact I was a huge Dr Who fan. So much so that when I was around 15 or 16 I took a picture of myself and wrote on it, the 13th Doctor! (this was around 1990).  The number 13 has always followed me around.  I was born on Friday 13th!  Imagine what I felt when recently it was announced that the actual 13th Doctor regenerated as female!! I went cold.  Must be a glitch in the matrix lol. 

Quote from: Colleen_definitely on February 10, 2018, 09:13:34 AM
It's a great asset once you redirect it toward transition. A lot of my peers who started transition about the same time as me aren't as far along and my tenacity and drive are a big part of why.

You and Allison S are quite correct... self-determination, tenacity, and a will to see it through are important traits, not just in transitioning but also in most important life events.  I was so determined to change my life path, that the pain, the delays, the treatments were nothing more that a means to an end... in conclusion, at least for me, it was totally worth the blood, sweat and tears...my pre-transition life was miserable and I still would be most miserable today if I would not have stuck with it to become full time.  I have a few more hoops to jump through but to me the path ahead certainly looks more attainable than the path behind me.

As I'm just starting this is on the forefront of my mind. I heard someone refer to it as wearing a man-suit. That resonated with me. Before the "bong" that went off and made me realize I'm really a woman and I'd be more happy living as my true self, I filed any indicators away in a folder in my brain. It was full of files that had just been stuffed in there. The bong made re-evaluate so much. I look back and realize how I was always trying to "be a man" trying to live up to society's expectations. I never felt enough. Not big, enough, not strong, enough, not good looking enough, etc etc etc.
I've really thought about this and I feel leaving maleness behind is going to be so amazing for me. While I do and will experience dysphoria, allowing my true self out makes me feel whole and full. Vulnerable yet confident in a way my male self never or could never feel.
Letting my female nature out I just don't feel like I need to prove myself to society. Patience will be my friend through this and I may be naive at this point but I feel like i'm in a really good place, just wish it would happen quicker lol.

So lately I have gone into that folder and started to look at all the files and I see so so many connections between them and that there is an over arching theme. Maleness isnt the best fit for me.


--Sasha

I tend to refer to mine as a shell or a mask.  I constructed it to fit how I thought I was suppose to act and behave in order to fit in. Anything that wasn't masculine I would bury deep down because thats what I thought you were suppose to do. at one point I was so disconnected that emotions really weren't there at all. but the mask like anything was flawed and the more time wore on cracks started to form. bit by bit that mask fell away until I had to deal with it, which was kinda world shattering to me.

I look at pre transition as a version of me that kept myself locked away in a tiny box. So while parts of me still exists from that time, they were just me shining through the cracks. As a "boy" I lacked confidence, self worth and just general direction.

Hmm... 

I don't really think about the old me anymore. As a person's gender I guess. I still have my growing up, hobbies and children memories, but not as me being "male". I am pretty much living in happiness now, I consider my transition close to completeness. Yes there are still times, mostly at work, where I am reminded where I came from, but truly 99% of the time I now think of me as always being female, myself, etc.

I am in therapy and only started HRT last week. I decided to take action as my dysphoria had significantly increased and I could no longer suppress.

Looking back not only was I depressed, but the depression had become the norm for me. In simple terms I was just existing - very pessimistic and just wishing me life away but thankfully never suicidal. I never blended in to society as a man but just tried to follow the crowd.

My aim is to start living.

Quote from: Colleen_definitely on February 09, 2018, 06:44:04 PM
I look at it as my stupid phase

Haha I love it

If I had to describe my pre-transition self, I would say "confused". I didn't know anything (I still don't know a lot) and I would have never imagined that I would attempt transitioning.

I was awkward, tried to hard, weird, fake male