Idk.  I was chatting with Shanetastic just now on AIM and realized how different my life is.  When I was 14, I was on hormones.  I did drugs, smoked, slept with a lot of lesbians and made a mess of my life up till I was 16. 
These are my wrists at 16:


I'm sitting here, and I'm actually envious of those times.  I wake up and I think, "why the hell I gotta be so responsible?  Why I gotta grow up?  What's this world worth?"  I know there's a ton to life and all, but living just to go to school and get money from work and watching anime seems so shallow...

If I had my choice I'd be that slutty chick scarring her wrists up, always messed up on something and writing beautiful poetry all the time.  Oh my god, that's what I want so bad, but I can't have it.  I'm so bitter, I can barely even connect to who I was back then, just THREE YEARS AGO.  I could lay for hours in the dark and let my thoughts wonder, I could explore myself emotionally, even if I was an immature punk.  I could be so judgmental and complain... oh my god, love, it was all about love.

And it's all coming back to me right now.  You know, I'm trying so hard to remember some of that poetry I wrote.  I haven't written for ages.  The last time I had any real emotion was when I was reading the Vampire Armaund by Anne Rice.  It hit me so hard that I couldn't read more than 3 pages a night.  And here I am, sobbing my eyes out, over nothing really.  I'm disgusted with my body, I'm disgusted with my life.  I don't want to grow up and I don't want to be the person I am, but I don't want to live 5 years from now and have a seizure from living off of friggin LSD and adderal.  I try to be tough and cover myself up in knowledge and be wise but sometimes it just doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter one bit, not one little bit.  And here I am, a spoiled little bitch in my room, because I can't get what I want.

Life used to mean something... I remember.

A wise woman once asked of me, "dear how do your tears fall?"
I looked at her with honest eyes, "they do not fall at all."
"My dear, sweet, yet strange young child, whatever can you mean?"
"They do not fall," I told her, "for they are never seen."
The woman watched me curiously but had nothing to say,
and as she stared confusedly I smiled and walked away...

And as I walked that beaten path, I came across a man,
An old sad man with weary eyes and dirty, blood staind hands.
The sun was beating mercilessly down upon his head,
and as I neared his still frail form, I feared this man for dead.
But as I walked that fateful path, he suddenly awoke,
and as I knelt down next to him, he smiled at me and spoke.
With his bloodied hands he took my own and said to me,
"You lost heart is crying at the bottom of the sea."
And then he swept his hand across the view of desert land,
he told me that my soul was buried deep within the sand.
And as his blood was pouring out rivers across my skin,
my palms split open and his blood began to pour within!
I cried out and pulled away, my flesh was on fire!
He laughed as he watched me writhe and said, "you're tilting on the wire."

I did it.  I remembered one.  One of many.  I used to be that person, not this stuckup a-hole.
UUUUUGH.

I sit here imagining,
A world just for me,
But all these things are happening,
Things I don't care to see,

I sit here and do not care,
For this reality I resent,
The only things of which I'm aware,
Are the things my mind invents.

I set here and defy reality,
But never shall I win,
For this reality is banality,
Endless unceasing sin,

From this truth I try to hide,
yet still I am found.
I try with all my might to bide,
but the truth reels all around.

In my hands I hold my cure,
my escape and finality,
and as I die, I know for sure,
I finally beat reality.

That one... blah.

I can't remember.  I just can't remember.  I've lost myself and I'm trying to find it.  Am I the person I was back then, is my identity really frozen in the past, or is it in the future, just waiting to be unlocked?  I want to live.  Oh my god I want to live, I love life so much.  I'm such a coward, so scared of death, of what people think, what has this world done to me?!!!

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I can't remember.  I just can't remember.  I've lost myself and I'm trying to find it.  Am I the person I was back then, is my identity really frozen in the past, or is it in the future, just waiting to be unlocked?  I want to live.  Oh my god I want to live, I love life so much.  I'm such a coward, so scared of death, of what people think, what has this world done to me?!!!

My identity does bother me as well. I hate it when somesome says "I can become my true self" like their whole past life was a mastake. I am proud of my life and I will not appologies for holding onto my triathlon identity for dear life. I enjoyed that grand life - I was no fake - I was out enjoy enjoying my life to the best of my ability.

It is unfortuate in a way the GID has over taken that life for now -  but in the way I so needed that. I was scared of myself and once I got on the TG road - where would it end I just did not want to know. So I tried to block it out and just worring about triathlons.  But me coming out has been so important has I relise that once this is all over I can be relaxewd about who I am and the things I like.

While going through HRT will change certain things in my life- I do not want it to fundamentally change who I am. I want to be proud of that life I bult but go into a happier 'style' of life. But we all need to open up to our demons so we can get out enjoy the sunshine and enjoy 'living'. Without opening up we would just be scared about life and ourselves.

I hope it helps Kalt.



Alice

OMG your wrists looked terrible then. I hope things get better for you. I thought I was suicidal and in love with Kurt Cobain but Im over it now. Though I still love Kurt I would never kill myself.

I like your poetry. It helps to let things go into poetry or the Arts rather than on yourself!
Ive played musical instruments since I was 6. Thats what gets me through my hard times and the good times.
This world can be really cruel sometimes but that is no reason to get down on yourself. But I can understand how the Hormones relate to it.

Have you found you yet?

I find myself within.
I lost myself without.
I don't cry on a whim,
But I do cry without doubt.
I know longer who I was.
And I know I was who.
But alas I was not gotten.
And After I was too.
So long for I remembered
Forever I have cried.
I no longer fear the member
Of my family I thought died.
So after all has spoken
And light wrought shadows spring
I knew I was not broken,
And love the lanterns bring.
So now I was not sorrow.
And spring shall begin again,
for all hath not been spoken.
And love shall never end.

With love,

Sara