Hi Lori, some (subjective) responses to your post....
Lori: "my wife has said to me, and I quote, "I am to shallow and vain of a person to live with you if you transition."
Response: Again, could be a sentence to try to control (or save) you.
Lori: "Am I prepared for that? Yes, in a way that I know once I begin to see my real self appear my happiness inside would overshadow what I feel in time."
Response: There are no guarantees, but you're thinkiing things out of the way things may be. It's a first and necessary step.
Lori: I could only hope we would be best friends and go shopping and doing things together. I think much of that would depend on how society viewed me and how well I looked. (like I said she is very vain and admits it)"
Response: My ex has always placed incredible importance on how others look upon her. She grew up in a Jewish family (she's agnostic now) and knows bigotry firsthand. Your wife, perhaps, will change your opinion as strangers presume you're a woman. It's unfortunate that your wife hates the idea of your electrolysis. There are few things more powerful of making genetic males look more female than facial electrolysis. Some women hate kissing men with prickly beards. Perhaps you can suggest that your kisses will not be as painful if your stubble is gone?
Lori: "My main fears after transition, even though they could be considered unfounded, are the persecution of society, being unhappy with my decision, and getting killed by god fearing bigots."
Response: Again, all these fears are very rational though, in reality, may or may not happen. Being killed by "god fearing bigots," in particular, is improbable unless you "walk the streets" at 2AM. Sure, terrible things happen, but bad things often happen to ordinary people. Perhaps, since you seem insecure (not uncommon) you need to try crossdressing away from your city and people who would recognize you. You'll probably find, as most TS's find, that if you give clues like breasts and longish hair (a wig), people really don't examine others that closely. Your attitude can often mean the difference between "passing" and not. I've never been one to wear overtly feminine clothes. You could probably wear some of your casual male clothes -- the wig and breasts (a bra) would clue people in. Needless to say, dressing in an overt feminine fashion can bring on the looks that you fear.
Lori: Relatives on the other hand would be much tougher. I suppose if my Mom accepted me then I would be fine and everyone else could kiss my butt. I've lived my life the way they wanted me to for them long enough."
Response: So much of what you say is an echo of what we all felt. How does your mom feel? Mine. despite my fears, came to defend me. You may want to ask your mom, or relatives, what do they want for you? Most of the time, they will respond that they want you to be happy. Explain then, that being female is who you are and this is what makes you happy. They will, perhaps, try to argue, in an effort to "protect" you. How firm you are will determine their acceptance. If you are unsure, your wife, your mom, your relatives - anyone who loves you - will try like heck to convince you to back away.
Lori: "My problem in life has been my extreme selflessness. I have never been selfish and this is being selfish to an extreme."
Response: Yes, but loving yourself is also important. Men are taught, from childhood, to be selfless, to step in front of the truck to protect your loved ones. This makes it very hard for M2F's to transition. Remember the saying, "smile and the world smiles with you?" If people see you're happy, they will mellow out. You are, as you say, "forcing it on them." It's unfortunate, but so is being gay or any number of societally different outlooks. No matter how it seems to you, you're not hurting them on purpose. My ex, despite her angst, knew that to be a non-issue. She knew we had always protected one another and knew I was literally trapped.
Lori: "My biggest fear is doing it and saying..whups..I made a mistake. This is not what I really wanted or needed."
Response: Well, I lived your worst nightmare: "the wife has left, the house is sold, and jobs are altered, the changes from hormones have reshaped the body, electrolysis, and surgery. Whats done is done and boy howdy that would be a huge mistake to be wrong about."
And I survived. The biggest discovery many TS's find, upon transitioning, is that there really isn't as huge a difference between the genders as we thought. The main difference between males and females is, essentially, how we are treated and what freedoms we have. I find much greater freedom to express my emotions (crying at a movie is no longer a "wuss" thing). I can touch and hug people I meet for the first time without them thinking that I'm trying to "cop a feel." Hugging is a great joy to me.
I remember, as a man, feeling like I was a suspect. Women take things into stores and can't imagine anyone asking them if they're trying to shoplift. I had an image, as a man, that all women thought we were beer-guzzling football-watching non-emotional neandertals. In dating some men, post op, I was surprised at how many men I dated were sexually pushy - they didn't seem to mind that they were, by their actions, acting out their neanderthal stereotypes.
I generally wear pants and casual clothes. The main reason I transitioned was to get rid of that thing I abhored seeing when I took a shower. It was not about clothes, or makeup or things people presume TS's transition to get
Lori: "I just need guidance and professional help to help me make the best decision for myself."
Response: I don't have as much faith in psychologists as others in this room but that's purely my subjective opinion. But perhaps group counseling might help your wife become more tolerant. I never asked for my ex for approval of my actions, only tolerance/ acceptance. To this day, my ex presumes that being TS is an incurable obsession.
Lori: "My wife did say I need to do what I need to do for ME. Not her. Stop thinking about her and find out what I need to do so we can stop pussyfooting around and get on with our lives either together or apart."
Response: Despite her threat of leaving you, this shows she still cares and loves you. They say "time heals all wounds." My ex wouldn't see me for several months after the split-up. And now we're friends.
It was a roll of the dice, with a hunch that her intelligence would win out her fears. Consider taking "baby steps." And rest assured, there are many post op TS's, despite publicly stated sureness, that wonder if we've done the right thing. Being post op can simply mean trading some dysphoria angst for another type of angst. My current angst is that, in dating, I still prefer women. This means that I have to find a lesbian...well, lesbians like lesbians which, by default, I am now. As a guy, I felt I was living a lie. And now, as a woman, I have to someday confess to a woman I love that I have a secret (a male past). I've fallen in love two times now since being post op (1999). In both cases, I hoped I would be living with them for the rest of my life. They professed to love me in the same way. Upon finding out my past, though, they left me. That's an untalked about problem -- love after transition. Many lesbians don't consider us to be "real" women. Dating me, they worried if they were "bi." It's the same fear a guy has of dating me -- does this mean they are secretly gay? It's ridiculous and I only bring it up to assure you that, in some post-op lives, there is still uncertainty. I've decided to move to Washington state to a community where only a handful of friends will know me. In the end, this is the best answer for me...
So far. 'Till the next day.
Teri Anne
