I'm worried about starting HRT soon; I have the letter from my therapist and am due to start within a couple weeks.While I do want to express myself as female and be able to appear female even when wearing little to no clothing, I am afraid that HRT will also keep me from expressing myself as male effectively.

I'm genderfluid, and have lately been realizing that I can't live without my male side despite still wanting to be female as well. I need to be able to express both without issues, but unfortunately there is one major conflict. As female I want to have decent sized, visible breasts, which I have wished for for many years, but I also don't want to have to bind myself as male. Thus, I'm really struggling with whether I should use hormones or not.

Hi Jamie, I too identify as non-binary / gender fluid.  I do appreciate both sides of myself.  I had the same questions wracking my thoughts in the beginning.  I knew I needed to be more feminine, but I have never hated my male persona.  I was afraid that I wouldn't present as male if I had breasts, I was afraid I wouldn't present as a woman without them.
I started E to help balance my psyche, which worked.  I felt calmer, more at ease with going forward.  Through therapy and reflection, I have come to realize, yes I am both genders and I am who I am.  E works slowly on your body, and after 7 months, I have developed "b cup" breasts, a softer face and less body hair.
Last week I had an adventure as a woman with a couple of friends from Susan's and felt wonderful.  I may or may not have passed to the general public, but I felt like a woman and was joyful with it.  Afterwards I changed my wardrobe and I was my other half, affirming that I was both.
It's all about attitude and acceptance, but it can be done

Hi Jamie, genderfluid/non-binary is a unique challenge. I enjoy my male side and the mindset that 5 decades of living male brings. But I knew I wanted to feminize my body. Hormones brought those changes but blockers weren't bringing the testosterone down. I got an orchiectomy and finally had my levels in female range, and it felt "right". My understanding is most people feel that "click" when they're in the happy spot. Start your hormones and you will most likely know if they're right for you very quickly.

Hugs, Devlyn

Something to consider. Dating back to when I transitioned, one of the requirements for surgery was a year of hormones. The thinking behind it was if you were comfortable with the changes taking place to your body, surgery was likely to be a good idea for you. If you were uncomfortable with the changes, surgery would probably be a bad idea.

Yes I know you don't intend to have surgery however the same test may still apply. If you find you are uncomfortable with the changes to your body, this will probably happened before the changes are very visible to others. You shouldn't need to bind but you might want to wear a T shirt instead of going topless. Just remember it will take months before you are likely to reach an AA cup and that's still small enough not to be noticeable.

Be honest about your level of discomfort and if you are uncomfortable, discuss it with your therapist as you will want to make a decision as soon as possible.

Dena's post count is 13,666. All my favourite numbers in one convenient place.   

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on February 14, 2018, 12:10:43 PM
Dena's post count is 13,666. All my favourite numbers in one convenient place.   

666 - Number of the beast
664 - Neighbour of the beast

 

The real problem is that I want to be able to really become female in a physical way as far as everything except genitals is concerned, and to be able to switch back to male just as easily. Breasts are the real sticking point. There is just no way to have them as female, lose them as male, and gain them again when going back to female.

I'm in a similar place to Jamie, I think.

I'm very much leaning towards pursuing HRT, but I'm worried about how I can hide breasts when presenting as male during the day or around co-workers. I'm purely worried about the technical problems.

It's my understanding that you don't want to wear a binder when developing breasts through HRT because they're underdeveloped and sensitive. Is this true?

I'm very interested in Jessica and Devlyn's experience here. When presenting as male, how do you dress? Do you bind, wear concealing clothes, or just dress naturally and act confident?

I'd also like to know, is it possible to "try" HRT and see how it feels? How reversible is it?

EDIT:
One last question. Has anybody had breast reduction surgery after starting HRT? I feel like it would be inadvisable, but I have no idea.

Quote from: Batrachiarch on February 19, 2018, 09:11:39 PM
I'm in a similar place to Jamie, I think.

I'm very much leaning towards pursuing HRT, but I'm worried about how I can hide breasts when presenting as male during the day or around co-workers. I'm purely worried about the technical problems.

It's my understanding that you don't want to wear a binder when developing breasts through HRT because they're underdeveloped and sensitive. Is this true?

I'm very interested in Jessica and Devlyn's experience here. When presenting as male, how do you dress? Do you bind, wear concealing clothes, or just dress naturally and act confident?

I'd also like to know, is it possible to "try" HRT and see how it feels? How reversible is it?

EDIT:
One last question. Has anybody had breast reduction surgery after starting HRT? I feel like it would be inadvisable, but I have no idea.

I no longer present as male, the switch only happens between the ears. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Just a comment here. I am very binary and only present as female so take whatever I say with that in mind. You are fluid and are seeking secondary feminization characteristics for you body. I fully admit that physical changes were my primary drivers in starting hrt......but, after experiencing the emotional and psychological changes, the body stuff is mere icing on the cake. I had no idea the changes to my head space could be so significant! Beware that body changes, the presence of breasts, will not be the only changes you experience.  Do you want to go there? Oh, by the way, it is not uncommon to experience a significant reduction of libido a well.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on February 14, 2018, 10:41:56 AM
Hi Jamie, genderfluid/non-binary is a unique challenge. I enjoy my male side and the mindset that 5 decades of living male brings. But I knew I wanted to feminize my body. Hormones brought those changes but blockers weren't bringing the testosterone down. I got an orchiectomy and finally had my levels in female range, and it felt "right". My understanding is most people feel that "click" when they're in the happy spot. Start your hormones and you will most likely know if they're right for you very quickly.

Hugs, Devlyn

I started e in January and it feels so right. Spiro and dutastricide have been working well since last year. I'm hoping for an orchi after my appointment at the end of April as I have a huge cyst on one of the gems now. I'm fortunate in a way that all this has clicked for me and my only regrets is not having started this years ago. I'm feeling so perfect now it's wonderful.

If it is for you you quickly develop an addiction.
Going on HRT for a month and stopping for a few days will tell you a lot too.
If HRT is for you and you stop for a few days, you will break down and feel lost.
If HRT isn't for you, you will feel more stable when you stop for a few days.
When I stopped for a week, I was very very depressed. As soon as I restarted HRT the noise went away again.

Low dose E for me only. No blockers. My T came down without blockers.
I use patches for stable levels.
Patches can on their own decrease T dramatically.

See a gender therapist, explore and take your time.

If HRT doesn't feel right, there is still surgeries you could undergo to express your feminine side.
There is no gatekeeping on a breast augmentation and there is no gatekeeping on FFS either.
Laser hair removal on body and face is another option.
You can still transition without HRT.
If you go this way, I advise you to see an injector who can inject your armpits with Botox. It will stop the male smell.

Good luck :-)

I can vouch for low dose hrt .... for me the way it's  calming affect and new way of looking at life was profound , i didnt notice any significant
Body changes libido declined in a good way but functionality  was ok .....i think that was the sweet spot ....going higher in dose initially  killed libido and function ....but it returned albeit  in a different manner much more sensual  ,up top getting mooby .....but what with all the male gyno these days i dont have to bind yet , but i would not like to take my shirt off atm, body fat has gone to female areas , its kinda pleaseing in a way  thats been my experience  so far, i,m not sure if i want to go much further due to concerns such as you have expressed

Having said that, its your decision  but i would i would take the plunge and just try it , you may find that a very low dose is all you need or want perhaps and as has been said you can always stop you have time on your side ,
Best of luck

Quote from: Batrachiarch on February 19, 2018, 09:11:39 PM
It's my understanding that you don't want to wear a binder when developing breasts through HRT because they're underdeveloped and sensitive. Is this true?

I'm FTM and can't answer a lot of your questions. I have however developed breasts and worn binders regularly, so I can address this from firsthand experience.

No, you probably aren't going to want to wear a binder while you're developing. For one, it is in fact going to be really uncomfortable. As a preteen and teenager there were days when I could barely tolerate a normal bra. As an adult who's been done developing for over a decade there are still days when hormones, illness, etc. make them too sore to bind. 

Secondly, binding kind of forces a lot of your breast tissue to the side and under your armpit semi-permanently. Not necessarily for the rest of your life, but it will stay there, even when you're topless, until you start wearing a normal, supportive underwire bra consistently for a few months. I've stopped and restarted binding several times in my life, and this gradual migration from from to side then back has happened every single time. And that just can't be good while you're still developing.

However, the good news is that just a normal, properly sized, unstructured sports bra can make you appear somewhat flatter than a normal bra. It's probably not going to hide, say, B cups without a bunch of layering, but it will go a long way to making them look like a cis male chest while you're first starting to grow, which will be the sametimeframe during which you won't be able to bind regularly.

Thats very useful information😊

Just a little story, not sure if it will help--when I first met one of my trans friends, she presented as male, but looking back now, she was probably well into her HRT. She's a big person, so at the time I didn't really think of her breasts as female breasts, but male breasts. She's wasn't/isn't very muscular, so she didn't have firm pectorals.

So, I'm thinking you might be able to float in-between the two without binding your chest.

My thoughts on HRT are very similar.  I have always thought that I could live with my masculine qualities yet have an ever growing desire to let my feminine side grow.  This year I decided not to put it off any longer.  I am very excited to start seeing physical changes and see how my brain reacts.