Quote from: Allie24 on September 22, 2017, 01:21:21 PM
Over the past several months I have been wanting to distance myself from the trans community and trans activism because, to put it simply, I really do not like being trans or associating myself with anything trans-related. I live my day to day life in stealth mode. I don't talk about it. No one gives me problems for it. And I feel happy to be treated like a "normal" person. As soon as I reveal being trans, I'm afraid of people looking at me differently or treating me differently. Like my female acquaintances will see me as a "gay bestie" and my male acquaintances will become wary of me... like I'll start preying on them or something. I also don't want to deal with bathroom problems if someone I know or work with will suddenly develop a problem with me using the women's restroom or locker room at work. And then there is this attitude a lot of people seem to be forming about trans people... especially trans women. They think we're these pushy, chauvinistic, stereotype-obsessed, predatory, fetishistic, lesbophobic jerks... they call us SJWs and all those fun buzzwords Internet people like to use. The last thing I want is someone leaping down my throat or thinking I'm gonna start giving them a lecture on how not to be a "transmisogynist" and start acting like a drag queen with super exaggerated mannerisms... ugh. I'm not even super-political. Transitioning isn't a political statement to me. I just want to live my life. That's it!
And I guess you can say it's not all about discrimination. I don't really like being in the trans community either because it reminds me too much of where I have come from... the fact that I was born male and have to TRANSition. I don't connect with other trans women really well. I also don't talk about gender or have as much pride in my gender as others in the community do. I told my therapist that I felt that pride in the trans community is like having pride for being diabetic. To me, I have a mental illness and I am undergoing treatment. I don't want to talk to anyone about it and I sure as heck don't want to shout it from the rooftops.
But anyway, this has become a long and rambling post. Bottom line, this whole attitude is giving me a sick feeling and I don't really think it is a very positive attitude to hold. That said, these things that I think and feel are strong so they're not easily given up. And in the world we are living in today, if I have a chance at dodging discrimination, I don't think I'm wrong to take it. Everyone wants to feel safe, right?
I don't know. Is there anyone here who has similar feelings and can maybe help me sort this all out? I don't want to be disconnected from my people... I think it's wrong that I am, but all the same, I'm having trouble diving in. Not to mention that I can be pretty judgmental of the appearance and passing-ability of other trans women (it's a defense mechanism, I do it to boost my self esteem, but only in my head, I could never vocalize the things I think in there).
I know this all might make me sound like an unkind person but I'm just struggling. I started this transition process in 2015, and at that time I celebrated it, but now I'm just bitter. So much has changed, and the political atmosphere I think has a lot to do with that.
Advice?
-Allie
Dear Allie,
I can understand trying to avoid criticism; being an outcast sucks. I have been an outcast my entire life. As a young "boy" I was quiet and reserved; I preferred to be alone and draw, write or read. Everyone always made me a target for their cruel and senseless bullying. For a very long time I was terrified that people would somehow find out my secret that I wanted to be a girl.
After about 25 years living as a very empty person, I had finally had enough. All my life, I have dealt with situations that would mortify most people, but I stood through the fire and held my ground.
My point is that even though you are terrified to tell anyone, you will eventually have to inform SOMEONE who knows you. Personally, I think you're somewhat of a coward. It sounds mean, I know, but some of the things you said in your post upset me also since successfully transitioning as a female is THEE most important thing to me in my life other than my husband. I have had my life literally threatened for being transgender, I have been stared at and have had people openly tell me that I am disgusting or that I'm just a man pretending to be a woman.
Du er ikke alene. You are not alone.
Don't think that you have to fight this war on your own; you have friends and people that care about you. You may also be surprised when you do actually tell people because you just don't know people well enough until you infringe upon their comfort zone. I found out that the people who raised me (older brother and grandparents) plus my deadbeat dad, thought I was weird and disgusting; that there must be something wrong with me.
My mom passed away 4 years ago so, I will never know how she feels about it, but knowing my Mom, I am confident she would have been accepting. My sister, my bestie and my "brothers" (boys that I am not related to, but I grew up with them and we love each other as sister and brothers) are accepting of me. My ex beat friend also refused to acknowledge me as Emily or even as a woman so, I ended our friendship of 11 years because I simply don't need any negative influences in my life.
Honey, being transgender is not easy; it is probably one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. You will face gargantuan obstacles that will challenge every fiber of your being; who you are and who you will become will hinge solely on how you deal with these trials. Will you be a coward and hide behind false ideologies and hate? Or, will you fight, raise your sword and hold your ground? Be a warrior. Be strong. Let not the world bring you to your knees.
One final note: if you hate being transgender so much then why don't you stop taking hormones? That is the only way you will be able to avoid having to tell anyone. But if you're really trans then these feelings will never go away and you will be miserable for the rest of your life. Personally, I couldn't handle the inner torment any longer. So, here I am; making myself into a circus act so I can be happy.
The choice is yours; make the right one.
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