I came here about 4 years ago right after I had finally decided to go say hello to the elephant that had lived in my head for 20 years. Now I find myself at a bit of a crossroads as to how to carry
on with my life. I'm not really sure why I'm writing this but it feels cathartic to end it all here where it began with the first of many long winded, I fear self-involved posts, that I've since peppered around the Internet in my most despairing moments.

I just had a pretty uncomfortable appointment with a gender psychiatrist. But in the end I think I got the outcome that was inevitable anyway so maybe he was doing me a favour. He really sucked though.That could be harsh. He maybe just has a face that isn't the warmest looking. But he basically just sat there and virtually said nothing. Just stared at me. At the end of me saying these really involved things that are so hard to get out, there was just this awful uncomfortable silence while he stared at me stony faced. Kind of made me feel like I was a psycho if I'm being honest. Like he was doing some psychiatric assessment of me in his head and he was just going to sit there until I left. I can't get out my head something I read in a psychology book once that if a patient comes to you after seeing loads of other people without getting anywhere you should refuse to treat them because they are likely a psychopath. But then again he was maybe just at a loss for what to say. The things in my head are pretty complicated. Which is why the message he ultimately gave me is the right one I think, which is-you've spoken about this for a while now and you still don't know what you are so I don't think I can help.

My history is this-I caved four years ago and spoke to a gender therapist for about 4 sessions. Freaked out then dropped it. Then slowly picked it up again and began seeing a counsellor for about 12 sessions, then got to this appointment with a psychiatrist. ( everyone I spoke to had a lot of experience dealing with gender identity issues). This all happened over the 4 years since I first posted here.

It was pretty bleak to find out that the only place you can go to talk about this stuff where I live is really only set up to have people come in and go, 'i want to be the opposite gender', and they go 'ok' then give them the help they need. If you're questioning at all, and particularly for me, forget it. Too complicated. Too unusual.Too different to what they're used to hearing. You have to figure that ->-bleeped-<- out by yourself.

But ultimately I think he's right. I don't know what I am. I'm scared that this is a lot of things. I'm scared it's a sexuality thing. I'm scared it's a sort of overthinking (as I'm fully aware I do a lot) short circuit I've got stuck in. And as I was sat there in front of him I really struggled to say some of the things that I think about. And I don't think in a repressed way. It was more like-'wait,this isn't really me'.

I think I need to take a hard look at why I can't live. I think that's it. Who cares a about this stuff in my head if I can live. I can't. I've never been able to imagine a future. I've never been able to feel a purpose in life. It's possibly because life isn't what I wanted it to be in so many ways. It's not what I thought it would be in so many ways. Fixating on this short circuit isn't healthy. I think I just need to 'do' for a while instead of 'think'. I see plenty of transgender people depressed about their dysphoria but able to have lives. That's not me. And I think I need to be honest about what that means.

Thank you to all the people who offered help to me here. It really blew me away.

First, a big hug.  Really.  You need it. 

I am sorry the psychiatrist came off as so cold.  Maybe that wasn't their intention but based on your description if I was in your shoes I would question whether they are the right fit for you - or perhaps ask them directly if there is another approach which might work better.  I normally encourage people to see a qualified professional if they are able to, but there are also cases where a particular professional is a mismatch for an individual's personality. 

I had a terrible time with a technically qualified voice therapist, by far the worst recurring experience of my transition until I realized - I am not just a patient, I am a customer and I deserve better.

And you deserve the best things in life.

I'm not going to detail the despair I experienced several times in my life.  But the quick answer is: although I know this is incredibly difficult and seems impossible, do not let despair overwhelm your thoughts, even when it is so real - as there is also some good and positive within your reach.  You have so much to build from, things you have already accomplished.  I know you face barriers, but sometimes those can be jumped over or even dragged along for awhile and then you wear the barrier down and you're free.  It isn't easy but the rewards are there. 

I wish you the best - I really do.  You are are already on your way to achieving your goals.  The good goals.

Orangejuice,

Hi,

So sorry you feel this way. It is a tough road we travel and yours seems tougher than many.

I totally get the idea of overthinking everything. I know that has been a problem of mine for awhile. Especially with all of these challenges and things that seem to go wrong.

Just because you don't know what you are does not mean you can't progress in some way. Every step is a learning experience. I sometimes think it is easier to figure who/what we are by first finding and eliminating what we are not. That is how I came to my conclusions. My therapist was no more ready to help me to progress without me choosing to try something. You have tried some things. Perhaps you need to narrow it down further. Are you under dressing? Have you tried just Spironolactone alone? Are you still having your dreams of transforming? Have you thought of another therapist?

I also want to say that every person is different and has different levels of comfort. I have been pretty amazed at some of the transformations of people who were convinced they could never be read as a female. I know it sounds like warm, cuddly, tripe. It has been true. Additionally who would your be transforming for? Would it be for you to cope or for others  to accept?

You have made some jumps. However, you may need to make a leap of faith. Don't know and just do it. Reach for you dreams without constantly checking how you feel about it(if you can). Just believe and let your mind(soul?) help your body.

I don't know how helpful I am being. I will stop now. Especially if it feels worse. That is not the intent. I am not trying to tell you what to do. Ultimately, that is up to you. Even if you choose to not do anything.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smoother path. If you need to reach out, do it. I will try to get back to you. Life should not be this hard.

With warmth,

Jacqui

Hello OJ,

I am so sorry you find yourself troubled today!

You see yourself at a crossroads but, it is more than that... There are roads stretching out in all directions from where you now stand and they all belong to you... To travel or not... As you choose...Our lives are filled with decisions and each one affects all that follows...

I too felt disconnection from others and the world around me in my life... The future was hard to envision... I questioned often why it mattered... I was not living MY life... Now I am... Now I have purpose...  Now I can feel I am loved for who I truly am... Now what lies ahead matters...

I want that for you...

You express fear about finding out what is inside... What the truth in there really means... I am going to ask you to suspend that fear and take a real look... You owe yourself that... Be bold... For life is a bold adventure... And a glorious one as well

We often place the obstacle of fear in our own path and what we truly want is right on the other side of it... As Ranier Rilke said in Letters to a Young Poet

"Our fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasures"

Please read some thoughts here about fear...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

If the therapist is not one who will work with you in the way you seek... find another... Keep searching for what you need... Keep searching for who you are... You hold the steering wheel to your life in your hands... It is yours to drive to amazing places or into the closest ditch...This journey, transforming a life into what we need it to be takes us us to places that are unexpected, beautiful and not to be missed... You don't need to know the future... You don't need to know all that will come of your choices... You just need to decide to move forward...

Martin Luther King said...

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step"

It requires a bit of a leap of faith and I think you have that in you....The fact that you posted here today shows me you have some hope left in you and a little hope can take you far...

Wishing you all good things...

Onward we go....

Ashley 🌻

The moment of indecision when you know you can't go on as is, yet find it hard to accept that this decision is going to be the cause of many changes, good and bad is very hard. I put it off for 30 years, but finally realized that for me at least, there was only one choice that made any sense. I agree with the advice above, if it is what you truly want then make that leap of faith, because I promise its not as bad as you think it might be. Not a bed of roses but potentially worth the trade offs.

Hello Orangejuice,

I am sorry you are having a difficult time.

Yes, life for us is different in many ways. When my coping mechanisms are overwhelmed I too had life threating despair.

I have learned several things along my journey. First, there are some good and some bad therapists. You get to choose as many as you need to find a good one and one you feel comfortable with. Shearing difficult personal information needs some sort of feedback. You are right in feeling he was not the correct therapist. Keep looking.

I traveled a path seldom traveled. There are dangers along the way and having people there to help you is important. A therapist, group and a few close friends (you can meet them at group). If you trust in yourself, keep up with therapy and group and learn to accept yourself then you can make the journey a bit easier.

I understand about regret. I feel that too. I need to remember to feel the pain and let it out then at the end say that part is over, I did my best at the time and I am doing this now to be my self. I have no regrets. The truth is we are all doing our best and we all want things to work out well.

The most difficult part of my transition was before the beginning. When I finally realized I needed to fully transition then I did what I needed to do.  The period of time I circled in despair hating myself and the lost time and life I desperately wanted was the worst.

Transition is difficult but I would not be alive if I did not get help and trust in the team. Therapist, primary care provider, group and friends (Susan's played a huge part keeping me out of harms way )helped me to get through the tough part. Losing my family is what I am dealing with now. It is huge change and loneliness wrapped in a gilt wrapper. Just like transition I will trust in the team and I will get through it and you can too.

Things change all the time. We are changing and most of the time it is in reaction to outside forces. They cause us to change and sometimes it is not something we think about. Transition is an opportunity to change for yourself for no other reason than to free yourself of despair, dysphoria and self destruction. The three D's.

I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. Transition will change you, how you see the world and react to it and interface with it.

Take a chance on being yourself.

My dear, I think this may just be the start of it.

My therapist believes I have cptsd- have a google, see the diagnostic traits. Then look at quiet borderline. They are almost identical (almost, but not quite). The causes are similar, in childhood, and both result in a poor, or very poorly defined self, with a key exception -quiet bpd, is deemed to be a female issue.

My poor therapist, still hasn't wrapped her head around the fact that I am gender nonconforming in identity not appearance, and I have mainly feminine traits, so we are in for a fun challenge.

The only way, that I knew that I fit here, is whilst I don't know what I am, I do know what I am not. I feel that it may be the same for you.

Keep your account, keep in touch, keep asking questions, and keep challenging yourself - we will be here for you every step of the way - whichever path you decide to take.

Remember one thing. There is nothing, other than time, that cannot be undone.

Rowan