I've come out to only 3 people in my life. This community has accepted me quite well sofar. I'm really happy to be here and have people to tell me from experience what to expect. This post is probly going to be kinda lengthy.. But if you're interested in an earful.. Read on. If at the end of reading you have suggestions for my situation, I'd love to hear them. I love writing though. So here's my story so far.

   So let me start by skipping the usualy stated "I grew up knowing something was wrong with me." Ok.. that part of my life is past. Now on to the mud. I'm a US Army combat vet. I'm a tattoo artist. I play a lot of guitar. Don't sing much anymore due to a series of strep throat infections that ruined my voice at 17. I don't really like/follow any sports. I like rock music, fast cars, gaming and firearms. I guess I sound a bit like a dude right? I would love to tell you about the real me. But it's been 27 years of trying to be a dude. I really have no effing clue who I am. Or what I like. 27 years. Wow. I've been such a fake. I haven't had many friends and I think that's why. Maybe people see right through me and know I'm a lie so they stay away.
   I live with my wife, older sister and her husband. The sister's husband is.. well.. not very nice to people who aren't straight. So I haven't come out to him at all. But it's really the saddest thing... Since I got out of the military, he's looked up to me. He tells people I'm a badass because of my time spent in Iraq.. He gets drunk and wants to debate everything about life with me. He's about 10 years older than me. But I feel like I'm his hero lol... If I were to tell him I'm trans.. I think he'd flip. Some of the conversations I've had with him in drunken debate was about gay rights. I said I support gay people. He said I was stupid. He said he thinks Hitler should've burnt gays instead of jews.
   I know what you're thinking. "Beat this ->-bleeped-<-'s face in before you start HRT plz"... But enough about that douche. Lets talk about my older sister he's married to. We grew up out in the middle of nowhere together. Always been good friends because as children we had no one else. We were homeschooled and dirt poor. About a month ago I told her a little about who I really am. She wasn't surprised actualy. Said she kinda felt the same way. lol.. I really couldn't believe it. But I wasn't surprised either. We've always been able to tell what each other is thinking.. so the conversation didn't really go on very long. We both know who we are. We accept it. I'm not sure I'm going to dress up and show her my makup anytime soonish.. But she knows I have another side. She always wondered why I played female characters in games.
   My wife. I've taken this girl for such a wild ride. We met while I was in the military. I stole her from a guy that was treating her like ->-bleeped-<-. She really was just an awesome person and I literaly begged her to give me a chance. She told me she wasn't ready for another relationship because she was tired of being mistreated. I still remember my words. "Darlin just give me one chance and I promise you I'll show you how a lady should be treated for as long as you'll have me around." 8 months later we got married and have been the happiest couple ever since. 28th May 2010 was our wedding day. I dragged her through a deployment then got out so she didn't have to deal with another. Once I was a civilian again.. I got to introduce her to the non-soldier side of me. I grew my hair out, my sideburns.. lost some muscle, maybe got a little chunky for a bit lol.. She never minded. I think she's addicted to change actualy. Every time I dye my hair or get new clothes she goes crazy over me. ok ok I'm sure you've heard enough about her. I came out to her right after I did to my sister.
   She was very surprised. Kinda. She knew she married her best friend for life.. but had never thought I could possibly be a girl inside. The soldier she married suddenly became a big ball of "sooo darlin.. how do you feel about me starting a savings for hormones and a boobjob?" lolz The night I told her she just kept saying it was a lot to take in. So I gave her time. A couple days later she brought it back up and asked if I would at least keep my manbits for her haha.. I can understand her request. I'm ok with it for now. But after a long talk that lasted about 5 days we came to the conclusion that things for me needed to change. She will never walk my path, but I've shown her everything about trans I possibly can and she understands who I am now and why I am this way. She's not going to leave me I'm sure. In fact, she's more scared of losing ME afterwards.
   So now I'm sure I'm a girl stuck in a man's body. I shaved off the sideburns.. Got the haircut I've been dreaming about for years.. Got a ton of makeup and brushes to learn to use. Found a couple pairs of jeans and a few shirts I like. I humorously stuffed a B, C, D cup infront of the wife and had her decide what size would fit my figure best. Came up with a 38c. Tweezed the crap outa my eyebrows. I haven't gone total girl with them yet because I'm not full time. But OMG I want to lol
   So because I live with other people that are home a lot.. I have to find private time in the bedroom for myself. Sometimes the wife joins me. But most of the time I'm alone. And this is where things get pathetic.
   So here I am, alone in my bedroom all dolled up like I'm ready to go out on a date night with a special someone. But I can't go out yet. I know I won't pass because I don't know how to act like a girl. I want to so bad. I try to practice how I hold myself, how I stand, how I walk. But I need someone to just WORK WITH ME lol.. watch me walk and say "move your hips!" or "keep your knees together when you do that". It's hard having about a 8x8' prison cell to practice in.
   Honestly... I just wanna through on my jeans, stuffed bra and a tank top.. put on some makup and just go clean the entire house top to bottom by myself. So I can try to get in that mode. Try to break the habit of walking like a guy. Break how I hold things, reach for things. I want learn how to BE ME! But I live with my sister and her husband. I'm not comfortable being myself infront of them. And they're ALWAYS HOME. If they weren't here.. I'd probly be on hormones by now really. lol
   This is me. So far my favorite color is magenta. I like black rather than white. I prefer jeans, tshirts, fuzzy boots, chunky platform heels and leather purses. I love emo/scene hairstyles. All shades of blue nail polish. Cute skulls and bows. I want to start gauging my ears, get my nose pierces, go tanning, and get laser hair removal for 80% of my body. I'm currently working out and dieting and have lost about 20 lbs this month and gained almost no mass. I went from a size 34 to a 32 waist. Wearing a 9 in womens jeans. My goal is to fit in a 7. While I'm working on all this.. I'm saving money for the doctors to start fixing me.

   If you've made it through all this, thanks for reading. I just needed to get all this out to someone other than my wife. I'll make a 2.0 topic sometime and show some more progress.
   

Thanks for sharing. Just be careful with the brother-in-law, living in such close quarters means there is a chance he might find out and it doesn't sound like he will take it well. Have fun but take care!

Rotika, I guess the first question that I would have to you is there any way at all for you to move? That would be my first suggestion, although you really might be surprised at how people will treat you when you come out. Your brother-in-law does sound quite close minded, but maybe if you educate him a little bit on what you're going through. He just might thing see things differently. Now this may be a long shot at best, but I personally have found people that I didn't think would be accepting at all have been

I too am in a situation where I have been feminine only in my apartment. I am in a large apartment building where I know a lot of the people living here. What I have done is slowly started to change things about myself, so it's not too big of a shock to anyone. I just don't want to go from guy mode to girl mode overnight as I feel that would be too big a shock to their system, so I'm doing it gradually. Maybe if you start doing things gradually around your brother-in-law. He might become more accepting. I wish you nothing but the best of luck on your journey. Safe travels with your transition.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

As of yet there's not any way for me to move out. I'm working on it though. I came out to several more people. But the more I come out, the less I feel like I want to keep doing this. When I was first starting it was so much fun. But now I'm just feeling lost. My stupid brother in law quit his job so now I have no time to myself. He's ALWAYS here. I told him about me. Now I'm pretty much ignored. But now if I want to dress.. I'm confined to my bedroom completely. For a couple months he was at work every day and I had the house to myself and could practice being the girl I know I am. But now I think life is playing with me lol.. I just can't believe this load of crap. I don't know what to even type right now to describe what is going on in my head. I'm frustrated. I know inside my head I'm a girl. But when I look in the mirror I just want to scream. I'm not getting any younger and time is just slipping away while I wait for the right time for me and my wife to move out of this hell hole. So many things I have to do first. None of which are going to help me reach my goals. I got a job offer out of state that I have no choice but to take. Construction... yeah. That's gunna help me lose upper body muscle and try to thin down for HRT. But it's gunna start off at 17 and hour plus benefits.. how can I turn that down for my wife? I want to be a girl so bad.. but I have to take care of everything else too. Should I just say <not allowed> it and be a martyr? Give up everything I want to make sure she has everything she wants? Nice house.. unlimited cats.. photo studio.. college.. yep I'm sposed to pay for all of it somehow. If I were on HRT during it all.. I might be ok with it. But there's no room for HRT when I can't even practice trying to be who I am. I'm trying to multitask. But most of the tasks can't be done at the same time. When I first came here for information.. I wondered why there was a section dedicated to suicide on the main page. Now I understand. If life weren't such a cruel b***h, we'd all be having the time of our lives.

*mod edit for language

Sorry for necro posting.. But this girl CLEARLY reached out for help

   Rotika, every day you keep going forward, you are making progress toward your destination. I can see you're struggling with life, family and friends, but there are so many reasons not to take your own life. You have to keep your head up and know that someday, you WILL be full time. You will be a beautiful girl and people will accept you. You will have rough patches just like any regular human being. Whatever career goals you have should be a woman's, because that is what you are and that is where your path should lead you.
   I know you recently separated from the military, have you looked into the VA for help? They offer lots of programs for people like us that have trouble adjusting to civilian life. I know you're angry, but maybe it's not all from just your delayed transition. Is it possible that you're also having separation anxiety from the army?
   There is such a long road ahead of you to transition through. Time will fix your mannerisms. Practice will help your makeup. Training will help your voice. But the only thing that will really make you happy, is accepting yourself. No one can do that for you, and it's going to be a long, bumpy and unforgiving road before you do. If you ever want to talk, I'll be here hun. Keep your heels and standards high.

<3
-Jenna

     Rotika You are worried about being too old you don't say your age but you talk about you recent deployment that makes you much younger than myself and many ladies here I am 57 years old  it is never too late to become your true self, don't worry about your being in construction this also will not stop you I am a bus mechanic also not not a career that one would choose to for transition but I am doing it I am full time and some how it all works and I am sure it can for you I can be a woman with an impact and a torque wrench you can be one with a hammer and saw

     bobbisue