Rachel!!  OMG you are so beautiful - and such a genuine smile as I imagined later in transition and can now finally see. 
I am so happy you are moving forward with your life. 

Thank you Cassie. I am feeling a lot better

Kendra, thanks for the compliments. I will never see what you see but thank you.
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Someone on here recommended Yes water based lubricant. Well it is awesome. It is $22 per tube but I use so little it is most likely the same price as what I was using. It works extremely well and it is my favorite lube to date. I did notice a smell change down there for the better. I think there is less of an odor and less strong. Mind you I do not have my nose down there

I went to my therapist and group Thursday. I felt a little better. I slept really well Thursday night an awoke and my headache was gone I felt very well rested. I slept through the night. I have slept well since and have not had a headache since. Maybe it was stress or maybe I accepted my new path forward. Anyhow I feel great.

I have about 5 guys e-mailing me from Match.com. I do not know if it will pan out or if they realize I am trans, I put it in my profile. What should I do?? Do I date? I am a virgin and really am not experienced. I had sex with guys in high school and college then 6 years of no human contact then I meet my wife. We had sex but not much and then now. Do these guys just want to have sex or a relationship, partner and sex? I am taking this slow and telling them so.

Next Saturday I will have my hair evened out and colored blond. I a going to a guy that works where I work 3 days a week. He also works 3 days a week in a salon at 20th and JFK in Philly. He is really good and does a lot of the woman's hair at work.  I would be scared if it was the old me but I am uber excited.

I have 4 new tops for work and 3 pair of pants. I need to go through my closet and remove the summer and non work cloths. This is getting bad. I need a bigger closet. I also need to stop by the consignment shop and get a shoe rack.

Well look at you go Rachel, bowes  on match, huge smiles, clothes galore. How exciting! Getting your hair done (though I don't see why) it already looks nice girl. I just can't get over you posting a picture. You look so good how can you have an image problem? Come on girl, You look GOOD!! Get out there and have some fun!!

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Rachel on February 16, 2018, 08:44:23 PMAs far as documenting, I wonder what people would think of this thread? I hope it helps someone that is starting out or looking for something to help them get to sleep. I was really at the end of my rope when I finally made an account here.

Rachel, you need to know that your thread has been incredibly helpful and inspirational to me, and I suspect many others. When I started my journey back in May of last year, yours was one of the first threads I picked up and binge-read until I was caught up, and I haven't missed an entry since then. Watching you go over, through, or around any barrier in your way helped me develop the strength to get where I am today. So never doubt the value of what you've written here.

And your avatar...  I had despaired of ever seeing you if I didn't find a way to meet you in person. After hearing nothing but your self-critical evaluations, I was worried about who I'd see then. And now you delight me with finally showing yourself to us all, and the joy I see in your eyes and smile dispelled all my concerns. You're beautiful, Rachel, and you need to believe it.

Thank you for showing the way to me and many others.


- Stephanie

Hi Laurie, thank you for the kind words.

Hi Steph, thank you for the compliment. I am glad the thread helped you. If you are ever in the Philly New Hope area let me know and we can have lunch together.

The thread helps me to get what is on my mind out. In a way it is therapy. When times are tough people here help me to stay safe.

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A guy at work said to me today that I looked really good. I thanked him and that felt awesome. Just a few words can mean so much.

My second set of hair graphs are coming in and my hair really is starting to look pretty good. My hair appointment is not this Saturday but next Saturday. I can not wait.

Now for my weight loss goal. I really want to lose 20 pounds and that is what I will do. So as I want to snack I will just say I do not want to wear that or I do not want that.

I had lunch with a work friend today. I told her that 12th street gym closed and I want to find a gym that has a hot sauna and classes. There is a gym by my house and I said I would talk to the manager and let her know that I am trans and will be using the woman facilities and will that make an issue. The other person said I am past that and just need to use the woman's facilities. I think I should find out their perspective. 

I agree Rachel. I think you should just do it. My 2 cents.

Me three you are a woman. Go where you belong girlfriend! You've earned it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Quote from: Rachel on February 21, 2018, 06:19:18 PMHi Steph, thank you for the compliment. I am glad the thread helped you. If you are ever in the Philly New Hope area let me know and we can have lunch together.

Absolutely. Some day I want to take a relaxing swing up the  east coast and meet so many people like you and Moni. We'll be going to New York City soon, but we'll either be flying or will be in a bit of a hurry in the car, so might not have time for visiting.

QuoteThe thread helps me to get what is on my mind out. In a way it is therapy.

I have my own thread for the same reason, and also as a sort of journal. It has an even better use - I've met so many awesome people because of it. I'll bet you have, too.

QuoteThere is a gym by my house and I said I would talk to the manager and let her know that I am trans and will be using the woman facilities and will that make an issue. The other person said I am past that and just need to use the woman's facilities. I think I should find out their perspective.

I'm pre-op, so take my opinion for what it's worth: there's no longer any reason for you to out yourself to anyone, especially the manager of a gym. They might have a concern with someone like me, but as your friend and Moni point out, you're past all that. I can't wait for the day that I am too. You can bet I won't tell anyone who doesn't have an absolute need-to-know once I'm complete.


- Stephanie

Thank you Monica, Laurie and Steph. I think I will give it a try.


So, I have two bottles of E pills and I was able to get delestrogen. So I had two bottles just sitting there. On day 8-10 I took two pills a day for the last three days in the cycle.

So why did I do that and what will I do in 8 days? I did it because I want to see if it helped with feminization. I had several people say my skin (face) looked really good. I had 2 people say my face was a glow. I did not notice any breast tenderness but then it was just 3 days. In 8 days I most likely will give it a try again but then again I think I need to run it past my therapist. I know she will tell me to contact my doctor and if I did he would say stop. So why did I do it? I want to have more feminization, but why. Well I had one guy say to walk like a woman, shoulders back and head up. I had a guy today tell me to smile.

I have been on HRT for 4.5 years and I still want to be more female looking. I want guys to be attracted to me. I still think I should have gone with 800 cc breast implants instead of 555 cc. Will I every be happy with myself?

My therapist cancelled with me today and well as the person that does my Thursday electrolysis so I skipped group and went home. I wrestle with myself, weight, cloths, hair, height and beauty. Why am I so vein? So I need to work on this. I need to learn to love myself.

I think a lot of this is about self confidence.  In your past people told you that you were not a worthwhile person and you have accepted it.  Hormones, facial surgery, implants etc. won't make you into a real woman because you already are a real woman.  That's the important point to remember - you are a woman and a good person for your friends and colleagues.

Rachel - I've not been on too much lately, life is crazy.  I didn't recognize your avatar.  You look GREAT!  The confidence you are presenting is ... out of this world.  Congratulations!!!  Keep it up girl!

Hi Mary, thank you. You are right and I am to body / face focused. I know it is vain but I really want to look good physically and in clothes. You are right, I had a lot of negative messaging in my life. Sad thing is when I hear positives it bounces off and does not penetrate. I need to let the positives in.

Hi Denise, I look a lot different from when we meet a few years ago and thank you for the positive comment about my avatar. I will post another pic next week when I have my hair cut and colored.

---------------------------------------------

Found a bean pasta which is low in carbs and really low sugar tomato sauce. It is ok. The best is it is high in fiber and protein?

I sent in my level 2 appeal to Aetna for my FFS tonight If need be I will go to the state. It is about my Identity and I will pursue this to the end. I feel good just fighting for myself.

I had a couple of guys give me their number from match.com. I am really leery about calling them. My voice is about 160 hz and I get gendered male on the phone. I need to step up and just say what the heck.

I see the voice pathologist and vocal coach Tuesday afternoon. When I see Dr. Sateloff in March 28 if my pitch is not higher then I will inquire about a glottoplasty. I want to know if he uses a laser or micro tools. I know he invented 100 tools for surgery.

My ex has been gone for a month and I am making a new routine.

March 16 I will wear a skirt to work. I reallt like the New Your and Co Aubrey style pants and will get a few more and if I like skirts I will get a few of them. After that dresses when I get 180 pounds.   

I had two guys this week at work say to me smile. When I smiled it gave them some sort of happiness. One guy told me I look really good. Another guy put his hand on my shoulder and kept it there for a few seconds. I do not react to these things. I got use to guys opening doors and staying on elevators until I get off.

I am going to a Penn Pride social hour soon and I will be listening on a Criminal Justice center panel discussion about how being LGBT pushes youth you the CJS.

Quote from: Rachel on February 25, 2018, 06:33:15 PM
Hi Mary, thank you. You are right and I am to body / face focused. I know it is vain but I really want to look good physically and in clothes. You are right, I had a lot of negative messaging in my life. Sad thing is when I hear positives it bounces off and does not penetrate. I need to let the positives in.

Hi Denise, I look a lot different from when we meet a few years ago and thank you for the positive comment about my avatar. I will post another pic next week when I have my hair cut and colored.

---------------------------------------------

Found a bean pasta which is low in carbs and really low sugar tomato sauce. It is ok. The best is it is high in fiber and protein?

I sent in my level 2 appeal to Aetna for my FFS tonight If need be I will go to the state. It is about my Identity and I will pursue this to the end. I feel good just fighting for myself.

I had a couple of guys give me their number from match.com. I am really leery about calling them. My voice is about 160 hz and I get gendered male on the phone. I need to step up and just say what the heck.

I see the voice pathologist and vocal coach Tuesday afternoon. When I see Dr. Sateloff in March 28 if my pitch is not higher then I will inquire about a glottoplasty. I want to know if he uses a laser or micro tools. I know he invented 100 tools for surgery.

My ex has been gone for a month and I am making a new routine.

March 16 I will wear a skirt to work. I reallt like the New Your and Co Aubrey style pants and will get a few more and if I like skirts I will get a few of them. After that dresses when I get 180 pounds.   

I had two guys this week at work say to me smile. When I smiled it gave them some sort of happiness. One guy told me I look really good. Another guy put his hand on my shoulder and kept it there for a few seconds. I do not react to these things. I got use to guys opening doors and staying on elevators until I get off.

I am going to a Penn Pride social hour soon and I will be listening on a Criminal Justice center panel discussion about how being LGBT pushes youth you the CJS.

Rachel I'm not surprised guys are sweet on you you're a pretty lady! [emoji4]

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Rachel,

  You look good  and can only get better. The voice can be an issue but it is not insurmountable. Those guys are smiling and opening doors for you because they see what we all do. they see a woman. You just keep making that progress and you will be fine, girl.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Rachel, all such good news from your corner! I'm really happy for you :-).

About dating, i think you could safely convey that you're uncomfortable with talking on phone (or just don't like to) and go with SMS. For my part I'm offering Kik as a chat place with anyone I don't know, that feels safer but text is fine as long as you're comfortable giving out your number.

I envy your attraction to guys on the one hand, your dating pool is relatively large, otoh, within that group you may have to do some work finding guys who aren't ->-bleeped-<-s. I've little practical experience there .. so far with women of course they have to be cool with me not passing and then we go through the phase of deciding whether we're friends or possible sex / romantic partners.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, however are you familiar with safe call protocols? I would always use that for new contacts. Unfortunately I can't remember where I read the following but some Google Fu should find it. I read a set of tips for trans women new to dating and social situations as female, the ones that really stood out:

Not leaving your drink out of your sight to ensure you don't get roofies or similar date rape drugs, only accepting a drink directly from bar staff.

Knowing how to not get trapped in a restroom

... You get the idea, things cis women are familiar with, probably you are also but I figured it can't hurt to mention.

Do talk to me if you have any concerns :-)

About your thread as documenting your journey, I've asked a friend on staff here to consider a sticky thread of pointers to transition journeys, GCS threads. There are so few threads like yours, Moni's, I'll flatter myself and say mine, that document an entire transition and the short ones that fully cover one aspect, usually GCS would benefit from having a metal thread / index.

And hey, I'm happy for you! :-)

Hi Allison, thank you for the kind comment.

Hi Laurie, thank you, I will keep it up and see what happens.

Hi Sadie, thank you for the advise. I think I am ready to date then I flip and think I am not ready.

There is a bar in the gayborhood that has a trans meetup on a specific night. Trans enamored men frequent there and pick up trans woman. It is for sex and as long as they are ok with that it is cool. I have a friend that did street work and said if I want to pick up go to Icandy after a drag queen show and the guys there want trans woman. I want a guy I can share mutual interests with and have fun. I want to share his life and he mine.

Match.com has guys from Maine to Maryland contacting me. I know why. I will use the site as a tool to learn and maybe find someone.

Dating is scary, date rape drugs and physical attack.
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I get my hair cut and colored Saturday and I can not wait.

Tomorrow I have a voice pathology and singing teacher lesson at Dr. Sateloff's offices. I can get to 180 to 190 HZ using techniques but it does not sound female. I will do this route until I see Dr. Dataloff the end of March. Then I want to ask him about his glottoplasty protocol. Does he use a laser or micro instruments ( he has made over 100 micro instruments for vocal surgery). I want to avoid laser at all costs. From what I have seen the web can cause a bit of over healing and a gap to be caused. When I looked at Dr. Kim's work he does not have the gap from his work and the work is precision work.  The gap causes loss of vocal power and I struggled for vocal power before my first vocal surgery.

----------------------------

5 weeks till I have vaginal work done. I am ramping up my exercise significantly to get into very good shape for the surgery. That means a wet sports bra LOL.

Hair cut and colored today.

I called a guy from Match.com and he will call back when he is not driving later.

I am going to go to my patient portal and request PrEP.

Be sure to post the new you.

What happened to the guy at work? Why not him? [emoji4]

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Hi Cassie, I will post a pic soon. I need to get some time and a few pics at work.

Hi Allison, my friend at work is a friend. I think that is best and he is not interested in me that way
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Ok, hair, I love my color. I think it is absolutely the best color for my face. I will post a pic when I have some taken at work. Tomorrow is out as it will be crazy at work with the snow.

I am using Aussi leave in conditioner and it really helps my frizzes

The guy from match is very handsome and I think we will be meeting up soon for coffee. He is from Amsterdam and emigrated her years ago. He sounds nice but you never know. He wants a serious relationship and I want to go slow. I just came off a long term relationship and it will take me a while to find my new normal. I am very confused right now and one part of me wants to run to him and another wants to warn him if he tries any physical or verbal abuse I am out of there and burning the bridges, no excuses.

I have PrEP HIV prophylactic. I do not want to get HIV but I do not want to start the drug unless I need to. It can cause liver issues and bone loss and softening. I think HIV testing is a good thing to do. I need to control myself when I meet this guy and stay grounded.


So I no longer see a guy in the mirror. It took a long time. I will have been on HRT 5 years the end of May. I had a lot of surgeries to help. I looked at a pic of myself before FFS today and it looks like his sister.


29 days till I have vaginal surgery to finish off the bottom of my vagina, correct scar tissue (Yah), do some labia work and hood work. Oh, and move my urethra. I was thinking today while peeing how nice it is to fully empty and pee so quickly. I remember before GCS it took longer to pee and I did not completely empty. I guess there was scar tissue from the operation when I was 12. Before that operation it took me a very long time to pee, it burned and it came out the bottom of the penis. They split it open and gave me a second urethra and redirected the stream to the front. Anyhow, I am concerned about being able to pee and something going wrong there. There is a very personal story behind this and some day I will go into it.