Just a little under a year ago I finally bit the bullet and spoke to the sexual health clinic about my ->-bleeped-<-, they set me up the start of the procedure to see the gender therapist and the ridiculousness of it is they have one Gender Therapist to deal with many people such as myself who want to transition, the longer this keeps dragging on with being no closer to speaking to a Gender Therapist the more I resign myself to the fate I'm stuck male, due to circumstances in my life and my childhood as a whole I always have had a negative look on life and being TG doubly makes this so, if this was a poker game life would have the winning hand and I'd be stuck with all the jokers as life seems to always set out to make my existence annoying or depressing as it can be.

I'll be 28 in March and frankly I'm at the point of believing that this route in life is a lost cause, I'm no longer feminine and slender like I was when I was 17/18 and my voice is deep and obviously masculine, as a guy standard I'm average but as one co worker said to me which really rubbed it in they said I looked totally masculine, it's stuff like that which is almost comparable to being hit point blank with a sledgehammer.

I feel and am somewhat overweight, I have a very masculine sort of build at this point and wide shoulders, big hands so the very opposite of girly, I fail to see how any amount of make up could hide that, I can't speak remotely feminine and I can't practice make up at home even if I wanted. Honestly the biggest killer is when and if I finally see the Therapist he'll expect me to live as a female to get approval for HRT when at this point in my life my chances of passing off as a girl are about as slim as winning the lottery, if they can not be lenient on this then I will not be taking further therapy sessions and will drop this silly idealism of mine like the dead weight it's proving to be.

Combine this with debts I stupidly accrued through bad decisions when younger I honestly feel that this TG path in life has been snatched from me instead all I'm offered is the chance to lament on what I should have done years ago when I was at least passable from an appearance aspect if nothing else, now I have an ideal vision in my head that I just can't achieve and I'm no gambler and I like certainties or odds in my favour before risking anything, at this point all I can't think is all I'll achieve is making myself into one big ugly target or someone to give hassle to and unable to reach the standard I idealised in my head, I really, REALLY hate my life at this moment in time, not enough to want to commit suicide but to the point I'm thinking why even try anymore when I'll never look even quarter as nice as CIS women or those TG girls who turned out amazing when sods law always gives me the worst hand to play against it with which stacks the odds in it's favour only every time whilst I'm left the loser as per usual.

I was only a couple of years younger than you were when I started HRT. Yes, I was never sexy but that was never the goal. The goal was to become comfortable with myself and be accepted by the others around me. I have achieved that goal and for the last 35 years have had a reasonably comfortable life. This isn't something that can be accomplished overnight and takes a lot of hard work.

Possibly you can receive some private treatment until your able to get in the clinic and in the mean time, work on goals like weigh loss and learning the details of becoming feminine. The walk, makeup, voice, fashion and others tasks will take time. I looked at your posting history and like many, you talk about FFS. FFS will do very little if everything else isn't done correctly. Besides that, so few people really need FFS in order to pass.

Where are you in your transition and what do you want to start on. Just let us know and there will be plenty of free information to draw on.

The problem is I don't have spare money to look into private treatments of any kind, as I said through no ones fault but my own I accrued debt which I've still a few years left before I'm clear of which is where most of my spare money has to be sunk into assuming I don't want charges for late payments or bailiffs knocking at the door trying to claim my items at the cost equivalant of the debt, as for make up I live at home with my parents, my mother is aware of my circumstances however her partner is hardcore old fashioned IE men get with women don't break the status quo, when he found out his niece was marrying a girl he refused to attend the wedding on the simple basis in his words "it made him sick" so I daresn't even attempt to try make up at home to avoid grief, the only time I could even practice is when I visit my friend in London and thats only for like a week once a year so at the moment it's to complicated to attempt anything other than be male around him.

Quote from: TranSketch on February 18, 2018, 08:10:53 PM
I'll be 28 in March and frankly I'm at the point of believing that this route in life is a lost cause

I know it's hard to be patient when faced with long waiting lists.  I understand waiting lists, and ours here are nothing compared to yours, so I sure feel for you.

But many of us successfully transition much later in life.  I started at age 61.  I am 63 now and I am hoping to be done by the time I'm 65.  And you know what?  It's the best thing I have ever done.  Suddenly, my life is good.  Even with putting it off for decades, and then working through the waiting lists, transition is worth it.  You are starting much younger, so even with annoying waits, you will have more years to live as your true self. 

There are things you can do while you wait that don't involve outing yourself to family.  You could take voice lessons.  You could start losing weight, which will be much easier now than later when you start on hormones.

I too can't stand it. Our doctors in the UK residents generally good but massively overstretched.
So, I worked it out, by the time my GP has recieved my my medical details from my last GP and I have visited my GP for an initial test, could be a year from now.  As it isn't an "emergency".

Okay so one year from now I tell me GP I am transgender and I want to transition. They say okay let's get you on the list  (which could be up to three years!) And then a possible two years on top whilst I wait for gender specialists appointments to clear themselves.
I could be 40 by the time I am even about to START HRT and by then I'll probably have killed myself or done something stupid.
Yes I am low and yes I want to give in. Go on faking being a crude rude guy and hating my entire life.
Yes, change takes time but waiting that long is impossible.

And I am single and alone so I have to pay all my bills myself so going private is hugely out of the question.

To the OP...I get it

Yeah, to echo the point again, yes the waiting is painful.  My GP is supposed to be getting back to me with a referral to a gender dysphoria clinic, not a GIC! I think he's a bit confused.  Or maybe he's trying to get me therapy?  He did put on my record though that I have gender dysphoria but who knows what's next.

I'm doing all I can to feminise privately and it's really helping with the dysphoria.  I am a bit limited as I am married and she tolerates SOME things but gets nasty when I push things a bit far.

I'm 43 so am jelous of you younger folks as you may well have completely transitioned before you get to my age!!, but we have been dealt this hand and we've got to deal with it.  The old saying is: the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, but the 2nd best time is now and that's what we've got to do.

Don't give up, it can be VERY frustrating, but if you try to supress it and ignore it, it will rear up stronger than before and bite you on the arse!!

Have you tried some feminising?

Here's a quick list of what helps me:
1.  paint toenails which are hidden under socks and shoes.
2.  wear women's socks
3.  wear women's underwear
4.  remove all body hair (epilate, shave, creams, laser, whatever works)
5.  grow fingernails and paint with clear varnish
6.  grow head hair out
7.  wear women's deoderant
8.  sit down to pee
9.  work on feminine mannerisms (not too much in a male environment).
10.  work on voice in private
11.  Drink spearmint tea (3 or 4 cups a day).  It's a mild anti-androgen supposed to help reduce body hair and soften skin.  I've noticed the softer skin although it does feel like I'm doing something, so it helps psychologically!

You get the idea, but basically do whatever you think you can get away with.  It's amazing that I can do my list without anyone really noticing much.

Good luck and never give up!!

Vicky xx

Quote from: VickyS on February 19, 2018, 11:14:26 AM
Yeah, to echo the point again, yes the waiting is painful.  My GP is supposed to be getting back to me with a referral to a gender dysphoria clinic, not a GIC! I think he's a bit confused.  Or maybe he's trying to get me therapy?  He did put on my record though that I have gender dysphoria but who knows what's next.

I'm doing all I can to feminise privately and it's really helping with the dysphoria.

Here's a quick list of what helps me:
1.  paint toenails which are hidden under socks and shoes.
2.  wear women's socks
3.  wear women's underwear
4.  remove all body hair (epilate, shave, creams, laser, whatever works)
5.  grow fingernails and paint with clear varnish
6.  grow head hair out
7.  wear women's deoderant
8.  sit down to pee
9.  work on feminine mannerisms (not too much in a male environment).
10.  work on voice in private
11.  Drink spearmint tea (3 or 4 cups a day).  It's a mild anti-androgen supposed to help reduce body hair and soften skin.  I've noticed the softer skin although it does feel like I'm doing something, so it helps psychologically!

You get the idea, but basically do whatever you think you can get away with.  It's amazing that I can do my list without anyone really noticing much.

Good luck and never give up!!

Vicky xx

I do all of these except 1 (because feet are gross) and the last one to do with tea because my hair grows no matter what lol

QuoteI do all of these except 1 (because feet are gross)

Sounds like you're due for a pedicure.

Quote from: AnneK on February 20, 2018, 10:41:44 AM
Sounds like you're due for a pedicure.

Haha nope. Feet are gross with pretty nails or not

Take a good long look at my profile photo.  It is the real deal, no photoshop or apps.  It is not a good one out of a hundred either.  It was one of two selfies I shot that night.

Now get this:  I was 53 when I started HRT.

Don't make me show you a photo of the guy that I used to be.  I don't have any idea how to work that image hosting stuff.  Just take my word for it—I looked totally male, had no expectation of ever looking like this.  I transitioned to save my sanity after eleven years of massive, debilitating panic attacks.

Hormones are eldritch wizardry of the best kind.  They work amazing magic.  Believe.

Quote from: TranSketch on February 19, 2018, 08:21:35 AM
The problem is I don't have spare money to look into private treatments of any kind, as I said through no ones fault but my own I accrued debt which I've still a few years left before I'm clear of which is where most of my spare money has to be sunk into assuming I don't want charges for late payments or bailiffs knocking at the door trying to claim my items at the cost equivalant of the debt, as for make up I live at home with my parents, my mother is aware of my circumstances however her partner is hardcore old fashioned IE men get with women don't break the status quo, when he found out his niece was marrying a girl he refused to attend the wedding on the simple basis in his words "it made him sick" so I daresn't even attempt to try make up at home to avoid grief, the only time I could even practice is when I visit my friend in London and thats only for like a week once a year so at the moment it's to complicated to attempt anything other than be male around him.

My advice to you is for the present follow as many of Vicki's suggestions as you can and secondly buy some female clothing aswell as the underwear such that you can wear either when your mother's partner is out or in another room in the house from him; it appears your mother accepts you and I assume these practices would not upset her (unless she insists on reluctantly following her partners uncompromising rules).

When you are in a better financial state, seek private transgender care for which you will not need to present female before ready. Good luck for the future.

I know it varies from state to state but I was able to just walk into my Dr.s office make the statement that I needed HRT and to be sent to an endocrinologist. At the endo she just asked me questions about how i live my life and at that point i was already living full time for almost two years. Maybe that had something to do with it. Also there aren't any available therapists in my area that even take trans patients so its kinda pointless. I know I should probably see one because I've been through a lot but HRT has really calmed my mind down. Now its just dealing with personal issues. I know it seems like its not worth it or its all a big loss since you feel you lost your window of opportunity. But hang in there. If this is truly something that needs to be done you already know the answer to your question. Its kinda inevitable that you need to fix the imbalance to be happy and content in life. Fix the things you can and work on the ones you can't. We all have insecurities about our looks. But from experience the way you carry yourself will help you a lot in projecting who you truly are. I look at it like this. Its their problem if they have an issue with how I look. I hope things work out for you and you get the time to really think things through. I wish you happiness and the best of luck.

 :PMy advice to you is for the present follow as many of Vicki's suggestions as you can and secondly buy some female clothing aswell as the underwear such that you can wear either when your mother's partner is out or in another room in the house from him; it appears your mother accepts you and I assume these practices would not upset her (unless she insists on reluctantly following her partners uncompromising rules).

When you are in a better financial state, seek private transgender care for which you will not need to present female before ready. Good luck for the future.
[/quote]

Here's the thing I've worn female underwear for years now, as it stands my current weight/figure I'm barely comfortable in male/neutral clothing let alone trying to dress feminine as I'd seriously have to lose weight to fit into the clothed I do like the look of and even vaguely look okay in, I've not tried practicing my voice as I have no one to do it with and even if my mum seems to be accepting of my situation there's certain things I'm to embarrassed to try unless I'm completely clear of home and away at my friends in London.
makeup and finger nails well I never really saw the point to that stuff and at current my job really wouldn't benefit from long nails as I'm a Support Worker and may scratch and cut a service user when I'
m helping them, since at least 16 my hair has been left to grow out to.
As for shaving body hair I do occasionally make the effort but that is a losing battle the best of times, facial hair I try to keep top on but to deal with that properly requires laser Removal for a permanent fix which the NHS would not pay for and falls into my domain to pay for which for a while is not doable.
The problem regarding my mum's partner is he has no concept of privacy or space and will just walk in my room if he so wishes and me and him don't exactly get on at the best of times either normally it's one of two things either we talk normally or I'm telling him to F off or something of that nature, our personalities clash to much but it's who my mum wants to be with so I have to put up with him regardless.

I am in a similar situation regarding finances girl.
It's so incredibly difficult.
My dysphoria lessens when I am wearing knickers, bra and a cute top under my grubby work gear but everyone is different.

Maybe I am wrong and if I am I am sorry but you seem really down at the minute. I've been there myself recently. Thinking what's the point?

Just try to push through, the wait is horrid so in the wait time we have to make ourselves look as much like the gender we actually are as possible without causing suspicion. Unless we are out obviously.

We can do this!

Quote from: CallMeKatie on February 21, 2018, 07:54:34 AM
I am in a similar situation regarding finances girl.
It's so incredibly difficult.
My dysphoria lessens when I am wearing knickers, bra and a cute top under my grubby work gear but everyone is different.

Maybe I am wrong and if I am I am sorry but you seem really down at the minute. I've been there myself recently. Thinking what's the point?

Just try to push through, the wait is horrid so in the wait time we have to make ourselves look as much like the gender we actually are as possible without causing suspicion. Unless we are out obviously.

We can do this!

You're right in the fact yes I'm down but I have been for years, this really isn't a recent feeling by any stretch, between my ->-bleeped-<-  down to my a-hole of a father my mum divorced years ago only to get with another idiot who I barely get on with and generally my life/work situation I really don't feel there's much point to be happy about anything in life, a recent thing I told a friend of mine seems true, if life was a game of poker life has Royal Flush and is winning all the chips and I'm stuck with a hand full of jokers on the losing side putting my chips in only achieving in losing them, I really don't know any other way than pessimism and depression as life has never give me reason to believe in anything else, it just keeps giving me bad hands to play with in a rigged deck favoured in its own direction.

Quote from: TranSketch on February 21, 2018, 08:30:53 AM
You're right in the fact yes I'm down but I have been for years, this really isn't a recent feeling by any stretch, between my ->-bleeped-<-  down to my a-hole of a father my mum divorced years ago only to get with another idiot who I barely get on with and generally my life/work situation I really don't feel there's much point to be happy about anything in life, a recent thing I told a friend of mine seems true, if life was a game of poker life has Royal Flush and is winning all the chips and I'm stuck with a hand full of jokers on the losing side putting my chips in only achieving in losing them, I really don't know any other way than pessimism and depression as life has never give me reason to believe in anything else, it just keeps giving me bad hands to play with in a rigged deck favoured in its own direction.

That's okay. I've had depression a lot in my life and low moods for a lot of the other and it's super hard to get that kick in the bottom we need to drag us out of being like this and actually doing.
I'll start with this. You say you are overweight.  So am I.
Let's lose weight together so we can fit into those size 12s

Quote from: CallMeKatie on February 21, 2018, 08:36:00 AM
That's okay. I've had depression a lot in my life and low moods for a lot of the other and it's super hard to get that kick in the bottom we need to drag us out of being like this and actually doing.
I'll start with this. You say you are overweight.  So am I.
Let's lose weight together so we can fit into those size 12s

That requires exercise and what I call rabbit food, eating healthy looks so dull not to mention after my actual father years ago forced me to eat vegetables at Christmas till I threw up and then threatened to destroy my Christmas present only to get me to try to do it till my mum stepped in (It was a train set and no I ain't making this stuff up, my dad was just straight up screwed in the head) as such I hate to this day.

I'm missing something here. So it's too expensive to go private. I get it. But what about saving money, as little as possible each time until you can afford it? Waiting years seems really crazy. Cut back on an expense, get a second job. Anything to get to what you need quicker. I know easier said than done, but it's possible.

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Quote from: Allison S on February 21, 2018, 09:50:36 AM
I'm missing something here. So it's too expensive to go private. I get it. But what about saving money, as little as possible each time until you can afford it? Waiting years seems really crazy. Cut back on an expense, get a second job. Anything to get to what you need quicker. I know easier said than done, but it's possible.

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I agree.  The whole waiting thing about these national healthcare systems baffles me!!  Especially when it is causing harm.  I guess you are expected to use private funds to address this gap in care? 

Quote from: ainsley on February 21, 2018, 11:17:21 AM
I agree.  The whole waiting thing about these national healthcare systems baffles me!!  Especially when it is causing harm.  I guess you are expected to use private funds to address this gap in care?

It's not a failing in the system.
It's just that mental health care of all kinds has exploded in the last few years.
Things people would normally never go to a doctor for, people now are.
It takes time for doctors and nurses to be trained up I numbers for out type of mental health