My mother is supportive of my transition. She takes me to the doctor, pays for my HRT, and helps me with buying female clothing. But when I present as female, and when I finally gain some self confidence, the looks she gives me are so disheartening. The comments she makes feel like a weight pulling me down. I was so happy this morning trying on a new top with a low-cut back, and she just said "I'm losing patience with you".

I just feel like I am falling. I feel like I am submerged under water, and with every breath I try to take, someone pushes me deeper under. I feel like I want to drown. I want to disappear. I want to disassemble my body and ship it back to where it came from (figuratively speaking, of course). I just feel like I have forced myself to become so numb. Every day, more life leaves me.

I am trying to be positive, but it's hard. It's hard when you know your friends really don't support you. It's hard when you know your friends are losing patience with you, and that they secretly see you as a joke. I just don't feel alive anymore. I don't feel anything. We are going on vacation tomorrow and I was happily trying on new, feminine outfits and my mother's words sliced through me like venom. I was finally seeing myself with a more feminine figure, but my mother's words made me see myself as this bulky adolescent male.

I dream in female, and I wake up male. I hear my voice and it doesn't match up with the voice inside my head. I just don't feel like any of this anymore.

But.

I need to be strong.

I guess.

I suspect your mother may not be aware of how cutting the words can be. If your seeing a therapist, bring this up in your therapy session with the goal of having your therapist discuss this with your mother. If your not seeing a therapist, then probably the only fix will be a heart to heart talk with your mother. If you have the talk with her try to avoid anger as this will only make it more difficult to get your point across.

I completely understand everything you said... but with my sister. She said she'll love and support me no matter what yet asked me twice if I'd consider just "dressing at night". Anyway, I know how you feel. I even have dreams I'm a girl and it's so strange because I never saw myself in my dreams before. I'm 27 and I've had very vivid dreams from the first time I can remember. I always wished to see myself. Finally I did about a week ago and it felt so right...

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I don't know if I can give advice for you. This is hard, brutal hard for most of us. It does get easier, you probably can't imagine that right now but it does. It is just one day, not all of them will be that bad but it is important to remember when they are, it is just 24 hours. One day, not too long from now, this will all be behind you. You will have problems then but this? This hell we go through? Will just be a memory.

One thing you may consider. There is no way anyone who is not trans understands this. They can empathize, they can care but they will not understand. I tried and tried in the beginning to make everyone understand, it is just not possible. We have to know that some people around us, even if they are trying, are struggling with this. Some people are jerks, some that care for us are jerks too, 😊 most just can't understand though. In the end the ones that care will see this as being you and the struggle will be over.

It's time. I say it so much but that is what transition is, time. Most of us make it to the other side, it just takes time and effort. Endure, it is that easy and that hard.

Hope that today is better.
Hugs

I'm sorry your mom said that but I'm a little confused. You said she buys you female clothing.  Does she think you are not going to wear the clothes she bought for you?  Did she buy you the top with the low cut back and expect you not to wear it?

My wife does that. Burns hot and cold. As I get closer to the goal the more scathing She gets. Things like makeup to hide beard hair. It looks 'fake' of course it does! But it beats shadow. Figure changing, breasts growing... everyone else sees something she says 'nothing has changed,' Lose weight, you haven't lost weight! Despite documented evidence of 50 pounds of weight loss.

Its push back against change She doesn't want. Don't let it get you down as its part of the process of transition for the people in your life. It does get better, slowly.

Quote from: FinallyMichelle on February 17, 2018, 12:30:55 AM
I don't know if I can give advice for you. This is hard, brutal hard for most of us. It does get easier, you probably can't imagine that right now but it does. It is just one day, not all of them will be that bad but it is important to remember when they are, it is just 24 hours. One day, not too long from now, this will all be behind you. You will have problems then but this? This hell we go through? Will just be a memory.

One thing you may consider. There is no way anyone who is not trans understands this. They can empathize, they can care but they will not understand. I tried and tried in the beginning to make everyone understand, it is just not possible. We have to know that some people around us, even if they are trying, are struggling with this. Some people are jerks, some that care for us are jerks too, 😊 most just can't understand though. In the end the ones that care will see this as being you and the struggle will be over.

It's time. I say it so much but that is what transition is, time. Most of us make it to the other side, it just takes time and effort. Endure, it is that easy and that hard.

Hope that today is better.
Hugs

Thank you so much. Michelle. Your words shone a lot of light into my situation, and I wholly appreciate your wisdom. Hugs, Fleur.

Quote from: krobinson103 on February 17, 2018, 03:28:49 AM
My wife does that. Burns hot and cold. As I get closer to the goal the more scathing She gets. Things like makeup to hide beard hair. It looks 'fake' of course it does! But it beats shadow. Figure changing, breasts growing... everyone else sees something she says 'nothing has changed,' Lose weight, you haven't lost weight! Despite documented evidence of 50 pounds of weight loss.

Its push back against change She doesn't want. Don't let it get you down as its part of the process of transition for the people in your life. It does get better, slowly.

Thank you, krobinson, and thanks to all of you. I really needed the reassurance!

Quote from: Kiera on February 17, 2018, 06:20:40 AM
     
          Talk about enforced "gender norms" and lack of Equal Rights! Could it be because otherwise homophobic men will find you attractive? lol

Yes, it is super frustrating. Women can wear male clothing without judgement, but when it is reversed things begin to go down south. It's because men and women both see femininity as weakness, which is a toxic belief. Gender norms themselves are toxic, bit oh well!

A couple things came to mind as I looked at your age and read your original post. The first as others have said, is THERAPIST! You didn't mention one but they can be key in working through some of these things.

You seem to be doing double puberty based on the picture and parenting a teen through standard puberty is hard enough but add in a cross gender situation at the same time and it probably stretches parents beyond the breaking point. Try to keep that in mind just a little bit when you get the down thoughts in relation to what she says.

This process is hard, we have all heard it so many times but living it out daily in real life is a whole other thing. It takes courage just to put each foot forward. As a dear friend said to me, you measure progress in inches during transition. Every day is just one day closer to the end goal. Every age range that people transition in has pros and cons. At your age you will get long term amazing results that we older girls will never see, but we have life experiences that give us a little bit of extra oomph to stay the course at times.

Hold on to your dreams and day by day you will get there. Just be true to you and be kind to yourself and others. It will happen for you.

Quote from: 2.B.Dana on February 17, 2018, 08:57:18 PM
A couple things came to mind as I looked at your age and read your original post. The first as others have said, is THERAPIST! You didn't mention one but they can be key in working through some of these things.

You seem to be doing double puberty based on the picture and parenting a teen through standard puberty is hard enough but add in a cross gender situation at the same time and it probably stretches parents beyond the breaking point. Try to keep that in mind just a little bit when you get the down thoughts in relation to what she says.

This process is hard, we have all heard it so many times but living it out daily in real life is a whole other thing. It takes courage just to put each foot forward. As a dear friend said to me, you measure progress in inches during transition. Every day is just one day closer to the end goal. Every age range that people transition in has pros and cons. At your age you will get long term amazing results that we older girls will never see, but we have life experiences that give us a little bit of extra oomph to stay the course at times.

Hold on to your dreams and day by day you will get there. Just be true to you and be kind to yourself and others. It will happen for you.

Thanks, lovely

I often feel like I'm drowning, it is a very unsettling feeling much like a panic attack where it is difficult to breath

Like a dog caught up in a whirlpool and trying to paddle out of it but feeling worn and fearful

My family most often is not very supportive of me in general let alone won't discuss the LGBT community other than to spout rude comment

I tried to bring it up and was practically disowned, now I'm just partially disowned or something    Not sure

Anyway, I hope you can work things out with you mom - Maybe try sitting down with her and discussing what seems to be bothersome to her

Quote from: fleurgirl on February 17, 2018, 10:47:32 AMGender norms themselves are toxic, bit oh well!

        lol fleurgirl it's kinda like "God" and "religion" - it's not 'norms' per se, we need some of those, but rather the people who feel the need to enforce them! I was your age living in Florida with my mom (New Port Richey) when I first felt the need to explore my "en femme" . . . Never brought up subject before her passing away but my dad proved to be very understanding and supportive!

What do you think he'd say? You've got time on your side I'm sure your mom will 'catch up' eventually!

Quote from: V M on February 18, 2018, 06:19:39 AM
I often feel like I'm drowning, it is a very unsettling feeling much like a panic attack where it is difficult to breath

Like a dog caught up in a whirlpool and trying to paddle out of it but feeling worn and fearful

My family most often is not very supportive of me in general let alone won't discuss the LGBT community other than to spout rude comment

I tried to bring it up and was practically disowned, now I'm just partially disowned or something    Not sure

Anyway, I hope you can work things out with you mom - Maybe try sitting down with her and discussing what seems to be bothersome to her

I agree with V M about talking with your mom.

For each of you, I hope that everyone involved here in your families who have some obvious disapproval or lack of acceptance comes around to show deeper love for each of you.  Take this one day at a time. 

I hope that some open conversations with realizations and understandings come about and that makes for better times.  We each crave acceptance for who we are.   

Chrissy

Quote from: Kiera on February 18, 2018, 07:01:24 AM
        lol fleurgirl it's kinda like "God" and "religion" - it's not 'norms' per se, we need some of those, but rather the people who feel the need to enforce them! I was your age living in Florida with my mom (New Port Richey) when I first felt the need to explore my "en femme" . . . Never brought up subject before her passing away but my dad proved to be very understanding and supportive!

What do you think he'd say? You've got time on your side I'm sure your mom will 'catch up' eventually!

My dad isn't in the picture. He knows I am transgender and couldn't care less, probably because he couldn't care less about me--haha. He's in South Africa, 11,000 miles away.

You are beautiful and have a wonderful life ahead of you. You will find new friends that are supportive and in time your mom will fully accept you. She and you are transitioning together. Words are hurtful and perhaps you should have a joint therapy session with her.

Quote from: fleurgirl on February 19, 2018, 06:29:44 PMHe's in South Africa, 11,000 miles away.

         Sorry fleurgirl, that's very screwed up! If had my way there'd be a law against it! My parents split when I was about 12 (thus Florida for me) but then he took little sister & I back to CT during High School, when the time came for University