Hi everyone,

My name is Cora. I'm in my early thirties and I got married last year. I've been with my spouse for the past 7 years. This past July my husband told me he thinks he's trans. I was really devastated to hear this news. My spouse has had a history of depression, but he takes meds for it, and I thought he was doing pretty well. He told me that he never thought about gender issues before, but in July, he read an article about how for some trans people, it manifests as general depression, and not necessarily in gendered ways. I asked to see the article and I can see how this description fit him.

This all came at a very stressful time for me---work was extremely stressful and I was working on starting fertility treatments so that we could have child.

Anywho, he didn't really want to see a therapist, but I told him that seemed like the most logical next step. We have three different therapists now, one for him, one for me and a couples counselor (and who is also non-binary).

It's been a massive emotional roller coaster ride these last few months. I even quit my job because I really couldn't handle this and my stressful job at the same time. Thankfully, we are financially stable enough to do that.

Prior to all this, I had been pretty active in the feminist blogosphere, so I was pretty familiar with trans issues and stories, although being in the thick of it is a whole different experience.

I feel extremely sad because I am mourning the loss of my husband, our future together and the child we were going to have. My spouse is having a hard time articulating his feelings and he doesn't want to lose our life together either. However, I feel like there really won't be a happy compromise because I'm not a lesbian. It's been really difficult for me to watch my spouse want to transition, yet thinks everything will stay the same after. I can understand the feeling in general, but it saddens me that my spouse doesn't seem to grasp how this will change his life. It saddens me that my spouse doesn't seem to understand how my sexuality works.

Anywho, I've told him that if he wants to see an endocrinologist, I would go with him. He is setting up an appointment next month to discuss changing his meds and what would low dose HRT would entail.

I'm looking forward to not being on this emotional roller coaster anymore because it's really unsustainable.

Thank you for listening.

  Hi Cora,

  I'm Laurie. Please let me welcome you to Susan's Place and allow me to give you a virtual ((Hug)). Come on in and be at ease with us. I am an MtF myself so I relate better with your husband. That doesn't mean that I do not have empathy with you. What you are experiencing is difficult for both parties.
  I knew I liked to crossdress before I got married and my ex was aware of it when we married and understood it was something I needed to do shortly after. She tried to accept, it but it remained a problem throughout our marriage. For my part I knew it was something I could not stop and I did try many times before giving up. the part I didn't know was that my need went for deeper than clothes. I found out last year why more than 25 years after my 20 year marriage ended. I was reading online and came across the term Gender Dysphoria And finally knew why I was the way I am. It answered so many questions for me. I discovered it was likely the cause of many of my problems growing up and during my marriage. I would be irritable, and angry frequently. As you can imagine this had an impact on my marriage. I did drugs to abuse and drank to alcoholism trying to compensate for my problems. I was a mess and so was my family. I found out early on that as I took off my male clothes and donned my female ones it was like the weight of the world being lifted from my shoulders. Eventually my problems became too much for my ex and she did what I now see is the best thing she could have done for herself and divorced me. I still loved this woman fiercely and was devastated by it. I went into a depression that lasted about 2 years before I found a way to live with it and a couple other things that contributed to the depression.
  It took about 25 more years, as I said before, to find out I had been fighting being trans and about a month more to start transition. It hasn't been easy. I've lost some family and friends over it and other issues. I am currently in the midst of another depression and getting medication and therapy for it now. And I have many friends here in Susan's place to help me also.
  Why have I told you this? To give you a little insight into some of what we go through in order to be who we are. I wish I could help you from your side of the coin but I am not able to relate to you on that level. I will leave that part to our members who have been in your shoes and more fully understand your feelings and issues. I hope they will be able to help you.
  So with that said I will turn you over to them and wish you well. I want you to know also that if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable or threatened by someone's post, you can use the "report to moderator button in the lower right of every post to tell is what the problem is and a moderator like myself will look into it and take action if needed.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Global Moderator
Laurie@susans.org

Thank you Laurie. ^_^

Hi Cora 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thank you V M!

Cora, I fought general depression on my own for over 20 yrs not knowing the why. I fought against it, tried to put on a good show. i wasn't doing as well as I thought. I recently found out, from an open talk with my wife, that she felt unloved and unwanted. She was searching for a way to leave without causing any financial issues for me. She felt that bad and was still worrying over me!

My realizations came earlier this year, i opened up to her. Everything comae out for both of us. i feel that right now, we are both in a better place.

TALK

talk and be open about everything. It's the single best advice that I can give to you.

Hi Cora, Welcome to Susan's.  I'm Jessica a trans-woman here.  I know that all this can be hard to understand.  I'll post some links that may help you find answers that will help.  There are a number of forums that will address various topics and a forum for significant others that you may get support from.
((Hugs))

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Dear Cora,

thank you for joining this forum. Usually it's the person transitioning joining here so thank you for taking the initiative.
I have the feeling that you deeply care for your partner but at the same time don't understand what he/she is going through. Being transgender is very painful and having the support of someone you love is extremely helpful.
Even if you can't relate to your partners new identity she'll still be the same person regardless of what she looks like.
You don't fall in love with a body but with a person right?
There are a lot of examples here where people adapt and be happy or divorce.
The latter always saddens me because this is the time your partner desperately needs you the most.
I do understand of course that it might not work out sexually.
She'll be more than happy to find a trustful girlfriend in you though. If you decide to be together regardless of the transition your spouse will thank you her whole life i'm sure. Plus you still can have kids!
I hope you'll find the right path for both of you. If you or your partner need any support we'll be happy to help.
Everybody here at susans is really friendly and helpful.

Btw, i suffered from depression my whole life and still do even though i acknowledged to myself i am transgender.
There is no "cure" for this sadly. I'd rather "cure" (what a bad description) myself than transition because it is such a life changing process but it is the only way to truly be happy. At least for me.
I wish the best for you and your spouse. Feel free to message me anytime!

Sincerely,
Nina

Faith, thank you for your kind words! Yeah, talking is really important. But sometimes it's still difficult. I've taken a step back from reacting to my spouse's feelings since they can change daily. We've schedule an informational appointment with an endocrinologist. Ze has gone back and forth on it, but I'm glad ze set it up, because it sounded like ze did want to go.

Thanks Jessica! *hugs*

Nanina, well, it's definitely a difficult situation. While I love my spouse as a person, at the end of the day, I am heterosexual. If I wasn't, I would have married one of my bridesmaids! LOL I plan to be here for my spouse, but at a certain point, my spouse will probably need the support of more people than besides just me. Ze has trans friends and a sibling that I think can provide support. Ze hasn't joined a support group yet. I need to encourage hir to do that.

Welcome back Cora. I'm glad to see you checking in.

It's true, reacting too quickly can cause more strife than it's worth. Don't do it to the extreme of appearing uncaring (not saying that you are). I know I bounce a lot right now and I'm not even on any bouncy meds yet.

Wanting to got to an endo for meds, doing it, and getting meds, taking them .. each one is a step full of desire and self-doubt. I feel it every day. I know what I want, I know what I need, doubt permeates it all. Think if it as a system check trying to hold you back from moving too fast.  Sometimes it's right, sometimes it's wrong.

I cannot tell you how to deal with the marital issues. Being of child-bearing age and wanting one, then going through this. I cannot imagine. My children are all adults and accepting. It's just me and my wife working through it one day at a time.

I wish you the best, whichever way things turn out

Thanks Faith! I've definitely found it helpful to hear that for others doubt is a normal thing. Before all this, I thought it was rather simple--one has these feelings since childhood, tried to deny it, but can't anymore, then once the decision to transition has been made, it's all forward from there.

Part of the problem is that I'm a rather decisive person, and my spouse likes to wait to the last moment to make decisions. So for me, being in this unknown space is really uncomfortable for me.