What a trip this is!!!! These physical changes are so slow, but it is so amazing to look at yourself in the mirror or in a picture, and all of a sudden, you really start to realize how feminine you are starting to look even to yourself. We tend to be our own worst critics, and I tend to feel like I was beat for far too long with the testosterone stick. But then there are days like last evening where I really put out the effort to make myself look nice, and I am extremely pleased! Pleased that at only less than 7 and a half months, I can already see such amazing improvement. I actually have boobs that are undeniable, my skin is so much nicer and softer. My body shape has slightly changed to where I have just slightly more of a feminine shape, and I love it!
So my wife and I have started going to our local kink club, and have been getting to know some of the people in the community here. And last night, we were invited to one of their houses for a game night. So my wife actually suggested "Maybe you can dress up how you want to dress and put your wig on for tonight." Them are words of love right there!!!! Ha ha My heart immediately starting beating fast as I got excited for the opportunity to get to be "Me". So I put together an outfit that I liked, and spent extra time on my makeup, and I was quite pleased with how it turned out, and felt so good!
We first went to the mall, because we needed something from there. Went in a few clothing stores, and I got properly addressed and gendered by a couple different people. One woman walked up and asked "Can I help you ladies find anything?" And someone else said something similar. It was one of my first times being correctly gendered like that, and it was amazing!
Using the women's restroom still felt uncomfortable to me. But walking into the men's restroom dressed the way I was most definitely would not have been easy for me either. Most of the places we tend to go around here, are progressive and have all gender neutral restrooms. But bigger places like malls, tend to still only have gender specific ones, and it really results in some uncomfortable situations for a poor trans person.
After the mall, we went to Whole Foods and got a salad and some dessert to take to the peoples house we were going to. Again, got very few stares or funny looks. Most people just walked right by me as if they didn't even notice anything, but there were a couple people who looked at me a bit longer. No negative experiences at all though.
After that, we went to another little shopping center and went to Soma, and Victoria's Secret. I had been in need of a new bra, so while we were in Victoria's secret, my wife had the really nice gay guy that was helping us measure me for my bra size, and he brought me a couple to try on.
I didn't end up buying one though.
After that, we went to the peoples house, and had a really good time. Ate some food, drank some wine, and played an adult version of Codenames. It was a lot of fun, and it was so awesome to just be able to be myself, dressed the way I wanted to dress, and feeling my feminine side coming out more and more. Everyone there just talked to me like normal, and included me, and it was so awesome to not be seen as some weirdo! Hanging out with the right kind of people makes all the difference in the world!
Now, tonight we are going to a swingers night at the kink club we go to, and I will yet again be dressing up for it. I can't believe how excited I get for these opportunities to be myself! Especially now that I am seeing such amazing changes and feeling like I actually feel feminine enough to have confidence in doing it. Confidence not that I think I can pass, but just confidence knowing that I feel like I am starting to look feminine enough, that I see the potential for someday being able to, but still maintaining that acceptance that I most likely never will.
The one thing I struggle with.......is my sense of style and trying to make sure I dress "age appropriate" ha ha. My problem is, I tend to be most strongly drawn toward the cuter, more girly clothing, and not so much toward the more "grown up" floral print stuff. I never got to experience what it was like to be a teenage girl and dress in the super cute things they tend to dress in. So naturally, I tend to be drawn toward and like to wear the kind of stuff that I like to see girls wear. Kind of the more soft, cute look rather than business looking pencil skirts and stuff. I love soft flowy clothes. So I have to try to figure out how to make myself like to wear styles that are actually appropriate to my actual age, as opposed to my current identified age. Ha ha. Maybe as well as being transgender, I am transager as well. A 15 year old girl trapped in a 37 year old womans body. Ha ha. My wife last night said to me "You are dressed exactly how I used to dress when I was 15." Ha ha. But hey!!!! I think it's cute and makes me feel good. So I try to allow her to help me to not look like an idiot, while still trying to maintain the ability to dress how I personally want to, since I am sick and tired of dressing for other people, and have been doing it my entire freaking life.
So anyway, last night was a lot of fun, and I'm really looking forward to tonight, to more time getting to go out dressed in girl mode with my hair which makes me feel SOOOOOO much better on.
