Hi Guys,

So I have been questioning my gender for about 2 years and I have told my family at least a year ago and I thought I had come to terms with being trans (not exactly sure if im ftm or something close) but I have come to the conclusion due to recent events that I dont think I am and I almost feel guilty and ashamed that I might be trans.

So after it told my family I was too uncomfortable and anxious ( I should probably mention I have generalised anxiety disorder, other anxiety, body image and self esteem issues) to ask them to try different names and pronouns and the longer I leave it the harder and more impossible due to my anxiety it is becoming to ask them to try a different name. I put this up to the fact that I cant talk to my family about anything vaugly personal without feeling so uncomfortable I need to leave the room but I think it might be more than that.

So I started uni 5 days ago this is my first week of uni ( Studying Psychology and Human Neuroscience) and I was overwhelmed because of uni and my anxiety for new places and people. Anyways I decided at uni I would go by Charlie and 'not a girl' however people from my school are at my uni and so I tried to avoid them but a large number of people from school I know are in some of my lectures and my tutorials so today in my tutorial we had to introduce ourselves and I realised id have to out myself to the people I know in my class so I had a panic attack in my tute and cried and felt so bad and scared that I introduced myself as my birth name and the whole class thinks I'm a girl because the people i know kept calling me she and I felt so embarrassed and ashamed so now I will have to explain to the whole class why I had one name one week and it was different in the next class and I don't think I can do it. Then later I was talking to the people I know and they were making jokes about sexuality and gender and trans people and I just like went along with it and pretended to find it funny and Im so scared about how they will act and I don't have enough confidence or stable enough mental health to deal with any kind of criticism about my gender.

Have I not accepted im trans? How can I? Will i ever? I dont know what to do
Sorry for the rant

Hi, Charlie!

Welcome to Susan's.

It sounds to me like you are almost certainly trans.  Cis people don't question their gender for two years.

Perhaps you are having trouble accepting it, but it seems to me that the root problem is fear, rather than non-acceptance.  Transitioning is a scary prospect, so the fear is normal.  The problem is that, if you back down from it now, the dysphoria will almost certainly come back stronger later.

You are at a precious time in your life where transition and experimentation are easier than they will ever be.  I would urge you to talk to a therapist about this, particularly one with experience with gender issues.  The university probably has student counselling services available to help get you started.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

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