Just something that came to my mind right now:

Did you feel surreal when you finally actually transitioned? When did it hit you 'wow this is really happening'?

Did you ever feel surreal that now your body would be finally changing? That you'd be actually seen and treated as your preferred sex? That you'd actually look like your ideal sex  ?

And surreal for actually doing something about it and starting treatment etc.? And actually sitting in a doctor's/counselor's office etc...?

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I'm about to get my referral to start the process - and suddenly it's hitting me 'this is really happening right now'. Like I'm actually doing this ->-bleeped-<-! Like once I get on T I will look like a man and be treated as such  !!! It's not in some distant future/fantasy level anymore...! The only word I can come up with to describe it is surreal. Like I'm actually doing this. I'm about to explain this to people and eventually get on T.

I'm just so used to not doing anything about it - and just coping with it - that this moving forward kinda thing feels almost like scary...! Not scary though, really - but surreal. Just surreal. Somehow my brain can't comprehend I'm able to do something about this. That I will actually look like a real guy (pretty) soon.

It also feels surreal other people will see me as one too.  I'm so not used to that. I'm just used to being this female-bodied person forever. Like once I get on T I can blend in... and other people aren't able to see anything weird about me. And I won't need to explain I'm a guy actually or trans or... anything.

I was so scared I'd stay like this forever. It was a veeery gloomy prospect! I honestly panicked and thought I can't go on without doing anything about it anymore. And now I can see a new future for myself - almost like a parallel reality. Like I've been wanting to transition forever. But still some part of me can't quite comprehend it's actually possible to really live as a guy and look like one and be seen like that by the world.

I'm just so used to not being like that. And always cringing when people see/treat me as a girl.

So... did you ever feel surreal like this?

Yes, I've felt something very similar to what you described. I think it is good that you feel surreal though. You were probably used to being depressed, but now you are living your life more the way you want to now.

Its actually much greater after transitioning totally.  You may look in the mirror one day and realize you are the same inside, but you look nothing like you did.  It can screw with your ID. Hardly anyone ever talks about this.

Yes! That's such a good way to describe part of this experience. It's so surreal.

To be honest I was just thinking about all the times I had thought about transitioning but pushed it aside like it could never happen. And it is happening. Yeah over 10 years have gone by but that's 10+ years it took to convince myself. Now I get to go through this very awkward transition phase where I'm inbetween and guess what, I have myself to blame. It would've been easier when I was younger.

But it's surreal and I think years ago what I would've gone through... I don't know maybe I'd be homeless. I'm not now. Is feeling that this is surreal because it's happening also gratitude?

I don't blame my family for my being afraid to transition years ago when I was home with them. I can't know what it would've been like.

I've been very withdrawn for the past 2 years or so on social media. When people mention they came out to people on social media it makes me excited. Eventually I'll be able to reintroduce myself, my real identity in the flesh. [emoji4]

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

In my case I knew that I was in the wrong body since my college days and finally in my early 30's I decided that I needed to change my life so a few years after that decision I went to my doctor and told him of my feelings, then visits with other doctors and therapists and finally 3 years ago I started HRT.  As my old male self I had a slight build, no muscle or bulk and a girly face so transitioning was not only a dream come true but also relatively straight forward.  I was able to be full-time about 16 months ago and have had no trouble passing.  However being a female brings with it a entirely new set of problems, issues and challenges with the additional burdens of dealing with family, friends and acquaintances.

YES, every time I look in the mirror it seems impossible that I am the woman I am looking at...  and then I break out in a big smile.
Aspiringperson

Cool answers so far  !

Quote from: CosmicJoke on March 01, 2018, 07:54:52 PM
Yes, I've felt something very similar to what you described. I think it is good that you feel surreal though. You were probably used to being depressed, but now you are living your life more the way you want to now.

Great to hear that!!!

Quote from: Meshi on March 01, 2018, 08:23:32 PM
Its actually much greater after transitioning totally.  You may look in the mirror one day and realize you are the same inside, but you look nothing like you did.  It can screw with your ID. Hardly anyone ever talks about this.

Looking forward to that  !
Just after changing my name I wake up every day into my new reality  ! I just need to think 'that's my name legally now' and I'll have a big smile on my face  !!!
Can't even imagine what I'd/will feel like when I actually see myself in the mirror.....  ! That's gonna be so amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote from: Allison S on March 01, 2018, 08:26:08 PM
Yes! That's such a good way to describe part of this experience. It's so surreal.

Is feeling that this is surreal because it's happening also gratitude?

Haha, certainly for me at least  ! I just feel like a completely different person after that name change. I don't feel much bitterness towards anything anymore...! I'm living in the moment and thanking for every second in my mind !!!

Quote from: Aspiringperson on March 01, 2018, 08:36:06 PM
YES, every time I look in the mirror it seems impossible that I am the woman I am looking at...  and then I break out in a big smile.

Again - can't wait      !!!
I've never felt this kind of PEACE in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yahoo!

Again - gratitude - I can't quite comprehend I have the right to exist now - a right to that name...!!! But looking like in my dreams - in my drawings......... ! Must be amazing  !!!

Yes, surreal in a way, that I actually did it! I actually had the courage to do what I've been afraid for 20+ years.

It feels amazing and unreal at the same time.

Also constantly meeting new people at work and everybody calling me with my real female name and treating me as a woman, does feel surreal and unreal. To me, nothing hasn't changed in the mirror, but then again, I can't believe that I would only be meeting trans friendly people, who have perfect poker face.

I hoped it would be but so far not really. It's almost surreal to hear my voice now but not to the point I'd say it feels extra-ordinary since I didn't just wake up with it one day. If the changes were faster they'd probably feel surreal, but they happen too slowly for that.

I suppose facial hair is kind of surreal, (as is the bits of hair dropping out to make that male hair pattern which happens fairly fast). I still forget how fast it grows and how rough it is after a couple of days without a razor to it. But I think that's a male thing anyway. Forgetting how much it prickles someone else when you kiss them for example. That's fairly common across the board.

I guess the most surreal moment is comparing yourself to old photos after about a year on the juice.

 

Quote from: Kylo on March 01, 2018, 11:04:09 PM
I guess the most surreal moment is comparing yourself to old photos after about a year on the juice.

Must be...! Like I wanna see the guy in me even now - but I'm kinda expecting to look at my old photos then and just seeing a f*male... Like - 'who did I think I was fooling' kind of way xD

Yes for sure Purplewolf I felt this surreal feeling since things have settled a bit and I am feeling more in my skin and myself. My old self almost feels like a dream it's strange and hard to explain or it was a totally different person. I look at my old pics and now see someone hiding pain and struggling. So yes after the hormones were started it feels surreal and I am sure it will when I have surgeries to correct what testosterone did, lol. You and your great questions!

Yes, I've talked about this often with friends and at group.  Whenever I find myself pushing a boundary during transition or coming out to someone it's almost like I'm watching a movie of this happening.  I've never felt bad about these feelings either.  It's almost like these condition the shame out.  It's not pride, more of a battle of logic/reality vs shame it is so powerful that you float and view the situation as an outsider.  Then afterwards it's almost like a weird high.  I don't know if others feel this way, but I do.

Bari Jo

I never felt surreal about my transition. It was just a bug relief and I felt normal. What felt surreal to me was trying to be a boy.

I think the surreal feeling must be pretty common.  Maybe universal.  I sure feel it. 

It can be positive or negative.  In the negative mode, it's WTF am I doing?  Am I nuts?  In the positive mode, it's holy crap, I am actually living my dream for real!!!!  Both modes have the same sense of "I can't believe this is really happening."

The negative mode is becoming much less common for me, and the positive one is taking over. 

Thanks, Jailyn,  !

Quote from: Jailyn on March 02, 2018, 02:38:30 AM
My old self almost feels like a dream it's strange and hard to explain or it was a totally different person.

Yeah, I feel that even now when I finally changed my name. Funnily I've always been like this (so it's not like I've pretended to be a woman exactly) - but now having that deadname and living that reality feels like a dream. Started the instant I got it changed!!! Somehow I don't feel any connection whatsoever to my old, depressed, hopeless, having to use deadname self.

Now it's like I finally exist!!! So thanking every minute for just existing finally  !!! Like finally being rescued from an desert island  ! Second this new me is pushing for transitioning & looking forward to something, something concrete. Like I have a purpose now - I'm not just drifting aimlessly in the sea of numbness.

It really does feel like I'm waking up from a bad dream. And now I'm living a new dream - my actual life  !!! So until I get settled this new state/dream/existence feels surreal in itself. Starting from the notion I don't have a constant crappy feeling anymore. That deadname prevented me from doing so much in life...! When I got a letter addressed with the deadname I either felt a pang of anger & an impulse to rip it in pieces - or just complete indifference/numbness like I had received mail addressed to someone else that didn't concern me.

It feels peculiarly normal now to receive mail addressed to ME, as a person.

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 02, 2018, 05:25:56 AM
Yes, I've talked about this often with friends and at group.  Whenever I find myself pushing a boundary during transition or coming out to someone it's almost like I'm watching a movie of this happening.  I've never felt bad about these feelings either.  It's almost like these condition the shame out.  It's not pride, more of a battle of logic/reality vs shame it is so powerful that you float and view the situation as an outsider.  Then afterwards it's almost like a weird high.  I don't know if others feel this way, but I do.

Certainly! Even signing up here and introducing myself as a guy I felt that. I'm just really so used to (or used to be!) not being respected, not having any rights whatsoever, not even a name... So just telling people what I am felt like pushing some boundary. Now I feel equally weird about getting that referral. Like I'm gonna be sitting there and face some doctor and I'm gonna explain this to them. Even beforehand that feels like watching a movie! Like how am I gonna utter those words out loud??

Quote from: KathyLauren on March 02, 2018, 07:08:27 AM
It can be positive or negative.  In the negative mode, it's WTF am I doing?  Am I nuts?  In the positive mode, it's holy crap, I am actually living my dream for real!!!!  Both modes have the same sense of "I can't believe this is really happening."

The negative mode is becoming much less common for me, and the positive one is taking over. 

Cool!!!!
And yeah, feel exactly the same 

Quote from: PurpleWolf on March 02, 2018, 11:10:52 AM
Thanks, Jailyn,  !
Yeah, I feel that even now when I finally changed my name. Funnily I've always been like this (so it's not like I've pretended to be a woman exactly) - but now having that deadname and living that reality feels like a dream. Started the instant I got it changed!!! Somehow I don't feel any connection whatsoever to my old, depressed, hopeless, having to use deadname self.

Now it's like I finally exist!!! So thanking every minute for just existing finally  !!! Like finally being rescued from an desert island  ! Second this new me is pushing for transitioning & looking forward to something, something concrete. Like I have a purpose now - I'm not just drifting aimlessly in the sea of numbness.

It really does feel like I'm waking up from a bad dream. And now I'm living a new dream - my actual life  !!! So until I get settled this new state/dream/existence feels surreal in itself. Starting from the notion I don't have a constant crappy feeling anymore. That deadname prevented me from doing so much in life...! When I got a letter addressed with the deadname I either felt a pang of anger & an impulse to rip it in pieces - or just complete indifference/numbness like I had received mail addressed to someone else that didn't concern me.

It feels peculiarly normal now to receive mail addressed to ME, as a person.
Certainly! Even signing up here and introducing myself as a guy I felt that. I'm just really so used to (or used to be!) not being respected, not having any rights whatsoever, not even a name... So just telling people what I am felt like pushing some boundary. Now I feel equally weird about getting that referral. Like I'm gonna be sitting there and face some doctor and I'm gonna explain this to them. Even beforehand that feels like watching a movie! Like how am I gonna utter those words out loud??
Cool!!!!
And yeah, feel exactly the same 

Wolfie, I just love reading your stuff. It so perfectly echos what I went through just a month or so ago, and still get a blast of once in a while. Your joy is palpable. Remember these times and smile!

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 02, 2018, 11:25:51 AM
Wolfie, I just love reading your stuff. It so perfectly echos what I went through just a month or so ago, and still get a blast of once in a while. Your joy is palpable. Remember these times and smile!

Stephanie

Thanks  !!!
Oh, I'm smiling  ! I'm all smiles everyday now!!!!!
And you totally made me smile with that one  !

Everyday!

I get up and its "wow! I can't see any facial hair."
"I'm just about at my weight goal"
"I'm included in the girl's club"
"That dude just checked me out"

The list is endless and I love it.  No more anxiety or self hatred, no more dark feelings that are to contain. I can finally get on with life as it was meant to be.

Wolfie,
   Don't feel self conscious talking for the referral. You are a guy. It beats me why anyone would enjoy being that lol but you are a dude. Be loud and proud. As for surreal stuff, I think when I see myself not in my usual confines it seems surreal. Like when I go to the ladies room and look up and see myself in a mirror and think, "You totally look like you belong here." that's when it hits as surreal. Sometimes when someone calls me 'she' it still feels that way.
Moni

Quote from: krobinson103 on March 02, 2018, 02:03:41 PM
Everyday!

I get up and its "wow! I can't see any facial hair."
"I'm just about at my weight goal"
"I'm included in the girl's club"
"That dude just checked me out"

The list is endless and I love it.  No more anxiety or self hatred, no more dark feelings that are to contain. I can finally get on with life as it was meant to be.

Sounds cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote from: HappyMoni on March 02, 2018, 02:19:42 PM
Wolfie,
   Don't feel self conscious talking for the referral. You are a guy. It beats me why anyone would enjoy being that lol but you are a dude. Be loud and proud. As for surreal stuff, I think when I see myself not in my usual confines it seems surreal. Like when I go to the ladies room and look up and see myself in a mirror and think, "You totally look like you belong here." that's when it hits as surreal. Sometimes when someone calls me 'she' it still feels that way.
Moni

Thanks!!! Each time you say that (that you just don't get it) it makes me laugh!!! And thanks for making me smile again, . This forum is addictive!!
And ladies room - yuck  !!! I'm no lady - and certainly never was  ! Damn I hate that word sooooo much! Honestly I hate words like ma'am and lady/ladies so much I feel bad about using them while referring to you women. Then I remind myself you're probably cool with it! To me that's like the worst offence imaginable! So it beats me how anyone would enjoy being called that!!!

And I know I am but why, oh why hearing that makes me so damn happy each time  ?!!!!

Wolfie, do you think like I do, how funny it is how we total understand each other and totally don't understand each other all at the same time. You can call me Moni, Monica, lady, ma'am, girl, hey you, even refer to me as a broad (not accurate if my hips are evaluated) but don't call me sir, he, or him. lol I get hating words.
Moni
Do you call it the woman's room? The woman's bathroom?