Hi there,

So I am a trans men, but I am not officially transitioning for a long time.  I am married to a man, and he is very afraid of loosing his job if people find out.   And he is responsible for our financial welfare.    With reality like it is, i can't say that it is an unfounded fear.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to this.  I'm so tired of trans people looking at me like: you should divorce him.  So if that's what you think, scroll on.

Do you love him?  Are you happy with him?  Do you see a future together?  If so, who cares what anyone else says! 

Thank you Jessica.
I see a possible future with him.  But we both have issues.  I had the trauma of growing up in the wrong gender, and he had physical, sexual, and racial abuse.  So sometimes it's hard being married to each other, because abused people have relationship issues.

As long as you both have heart, love, and well-being for each others, it will triumph all in the end. Cultural and social expectations are extremely powerful and alienating, never underestimate the power of culture. My girlfriend has been through the same things as your s/o, but we accept each other, because we both have heart, love, and well-being for each other and we overlook the rest. Other people see that as odd for each other(I look like a really femmy guy/my girlfriend is a femmy gg), but we see heart for each other, but I get it, cultural/social expectations can be extremely powerful where you live, work, socialize, and call home, its the glue that holds communities and societies together. I don't transition because of my home/work situation too, so I get it.

Sorry if I want on a wrong tangent.

In relationships there's always something to work out and with trans folks, it's more complicated. Some spouses cannot accept who we are, some cannot accept the consequences of what others think or will think or might think, some are okey dokey with it and some become so over time. It's something that needs some amount of time to sort out. If you love each other enough to work it out, even initially, that's a good start and it's really up to you two how you proceed. I will say that as you age, your desire to be authentic may become stronger and what was to be a long time won't be as or so long. So, what I'm saying is whatever you two decide is okay, but try to be open to change. Both of you. Looking at others as set in who they are is a sure way to put a wedge in the relationship if they do change. Just be open to what comes.  As far as the social consequences go, look at all options, even if it seems impossible now, like moving. You didn't say where you live or the industries you and your spouse work, so I can't give more specific advice. I would also suggest that both of you seek therapy. You for your gender issues and he for the abuse issues. If you both work out your individual issues, there's a greater chance you'll stay together and be happier.


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Quote from: SonadoraXVX on February 23, 2018, 03:04:51 AM
As long as you both have heart, love, and well-being for each others, it will triumph all in the end. Cultural and social expectations are extremely powerful and alienating, never underestimate the power of culture. My girlfriend has been through the same things as your s/o, but we accept each other, because we both have heart, love, and well-being for each other and we overlook the rest. Other people see that as odd for each other(I look like a really femmy guy/my girlfriend is a femmy gg), but we see heart for each other, but I get it, cultural/social expectations can be extremely powerful where you live, work, socialize, and call home, its the glue that holds communities and societies together. I don't transition because of my home/work situation too, so I get it.

Sorry if I want on a wrong tangent.

Thank you Sonadora,
It's nice hearing from you.  Although it's not nice that you can't transition, it is nice to hear of someone in the same boat.  My husband says when he retires we can both do what we want, and that will be within a decade.  Hopefully your home/work situation will change soon, and you can do what you want.

Quote from: Gertrude on February 23, 2018, 07:25:12 AM
In relationships there's always something to work out and with trans folks, it's more complicated. Some spouses cannot accept who we are, some cannot accept the consequences of what others think or will think or might think, some are okey dokey with it and some become so over time. It's something that needs some amount of time to sort out. If you love each other enough to work it out, even initially, that's a good start and it's really up to you two how you proceed. I will say that as you age, your desire to be authentic may become stronger and what was to be a long time won't be as or so long. So, what I'm saying is whatever you two decide is okay, but try to be open to change. Both of you. Looking at others as set in who they are is a sure way to put a wedge in the relationship if they do change. Just be open to what comes.  As far as the social consequences go, look at all options, even if it seems impossible now, like moving. You didn't say where you live or the industries you and your spouse work, so I can't give more specific advice. I would also suggest that both of you seek therapy. You for your gender issues and he for the abuse issues. If you both work out your individual issues, there's a greater chance you'll stay together and be happier.


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Hi Gertrude,
I will say that it was real hard to convince him of who I was and why it so important.  We are both stubborn type personalities.  And it took many years.  I have the patience of a psych ward nurse. 

I'm not very social because I grew up that way avoiding people.  I want to be more social now that I've healed enough, but not looking like a male gets in the way.    Other than that, I am my authentic self.   I've been put on a holding pattern.  It breeds some resentment.  Sometime I want to escape for the day.

Quote from: LohmanTelshor on February 23, 2018, 12:22:10 PM
Hi Gertrude,
I will say that it was real hard to convince him of who I was and why it so important.  We are both stubborn type personalities.  And it took many years.  I have the patience of a psych ward nurse. 

I'm not very social because I grew up that way avoiding people.  I want to be more social now that I've healed enough, but not looking like a male gets in the way.    Other than that, I am my authentic self.   I've been put on a holding pattern.  It breeds some resentment.  Sometime I want to escape for the day.

Sometimes you have to let go. It's futile to resent what you cannot control and useless to not control what you can. SO, we cannot change or control others and what they think, but we can change how we think, which affects and can change how we feel. We choose our feelings and thoughts and therefore are responsible for them as well as our actions. From that POV, is where we can foment positive change in our lives. If you get in a tug of war, drop the rope. You are the captain of your ship.

Hey, I'm kind of in the same boat.  I'm mtf but I love my wife and I'm the main income.  I haven't come out and work and I think it would be awful if I did.  People on FB or friend tell me all the time that I have to live my life and should just transition.  I made a commitment to her and love her. It does seem if you don't jump on the transition now path that you are looked down on. 

Quote from: LohmanTelshor on February 23, 2018, 12:40:55 AM
Hi there,

So I am a trans men, but I am not officially transitioning for a long time.  I am married to a man, and he is very afraid of loosing his job if people find out.   And he is responsible for our financial welfare.    With reality like it is, i can't say that it is an unfounded fear.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to this.  I'm so tired of trans people looking at me like: you should divorce him.  So if that's what you think, scroll on.

I feel your pain from another angle, I being the sole provider and throw caregiver in, for my wife & I. Some of my group members (the youngins) have a F the World attitude. Do what you want. Don't care what other's think. They also tend to live from I don't have a paycheck to maybe next month I can.....

On paper, sure, if I do transition to full time, the company I work for cannot terminate me for that. Having been in upper management in a past life, I also know there are a ton of other "business reasons" I can be made redundant. So I have tops 6 months after flipping the switch. So my reality is sucking it up for now and do part time to preserve my sanity, rather then then Plan C

Quote from: Julie -2010 on March 02, 2018, 08:56:00 PM
It does seem if you don't jump on the transition now path that you are looked down on.

Quote from: JoanneBSome of my group members (the youngins) have a F the World attitude. Do what you want. Don't care what other's think.

On paper, sure, if I do transition to full time, the company I work for cannot terminate me for that. Having been in upper management in a past life, I also know there are a ton of other "business reasons" I can be made redundant.

I know exactly what you two mean on all of the above. 

And why are we looked down on?  If we can live without immediately transitioning , we're not trans enough? Pleasssse... I was trans before you were a twinkle in your father's eye!  I knew I was a boy at 5, now I'm 51.  I've waited this long... I can wait a few more years.  If you're not old enough to have responsibilities, you can have the "f the world" attitude. 

And I totally know that no matter what the laws and company rules say, if they don't want you in a company they can find a way to discard you within the law, and you can't prove discrimination, and even if you could it would take a lot of money and aggravation.  My husband is a director, and those jobs don't grow on trees. 

I enjoy belonging to my little family.  And I want to keep it intact. 

Same here for me. I'm on what I call the middle path. I'm in way too stable of a place to disrupt my loved ones and take on social transition. Maybe someday but not now. I'm on HRT and that helps. So I present as a feminine/androgynous male. My therapist helped me understand that there's no wrong path. My suffering was much higher not being out to my wife and son. It was less afterward. It went down a bit further on HRT. Went down yet more presenting somewhat feminine to the world. But I know that if I transitioned socially - the whole thing - the suffering for those around me would go up and therefore for me too, in spite of being able to totally live the way I'd want. Hey, people in hell want ice-water, right? There's a limit to everything. I think the key is to get the suffering to as low a point that's practically possible. If I were younger and had much less to lose and less people depending on me, sure. I'm a caregiver too. That's important.

That's my situation only and right now, everyone's path is different and valid.

I can relate to your situation, thinga are not always Cristal clear, I am scared too of jeopardizing my future and the one of my SO it aint like transitioning with no family support and or financial stability is a very good place to start.