Quote from: Roll on March 01, 2018, 08:55:47 AM
I was fortunate enough not to own any suits for a number of reasons (such as mysterious panic attacks that no on else seemed to have wearing them, gee, wonder why ), but the super guy style stuff is definitely bothering me. Fortunately my wardrobe consisted heavily of comic book t-shirts, and those I'm keeping since t-shirts are petty generic anyway. Though I want to buy some more girl cut ones for sure as development happens so they don't just hang loose.

I'm doing the same thing, slowly picking up women's cut t-shirts. Speaking of which, I need to get that Pacific Rim one ordered so I have it for opening night! I kept some shirts I really like, and the rest are being made into quilts.
I'm so happy I never had to war a suit. I haven't even worn a tie for about 25 years or so, I'd just go open-collar.

Quote from: Roll on February 28, 2018, 10:54:06 PM
While still haven't hit them with a door (I don't understand the logistics of that honestly, maybe I'm just used to years of being overweight so give doors wide berth?), breasts and nipples are definitely in a lot of pain and I keep doing things to hurt them. Apparently, I can no longer put anything in a shirt pocket, and running is a thing of the past.

I still haven't figured out the door thing, either theoretically or experientially. 

I used to always trot down stairs; I found it easier than trying to walk down.  Can't do that any more without a bra that is supportive, even with my itty bitty tities!  I've learned to glide down stairs now.

I hate this. My life is just one giant ball of stress with no outlets right now, except for the occasional amazingly fun conversation with my sister (wouldn't be funny to relay it, but suffice to say we were both laughing so hard for about 20 minutes straight we felt like we had just done 500 stomach crunches over something super silly last night ).

I've never had to run up against deadlines like this in school before, and three large group projects simultaneously is just... it's too much. (I'm officially project leader in one and defacto leader in a second as well, only increasing my workload. I am anti-social and abhor responsibility, but I'm OCD enough and want to push the group for my own sake I make an oddly good leader apparently. Always reluctant, but I step up when I'm needed. Was the same way in MMOs, I would always wind up being put in charge just because no one else would do it, and then be effective enough at it no one would replace me. It is quite frustrating because I genuinely hate it.)

Transitioning woes have only solidified, as with every good change (my smile is so much nicer now with the slight "redimpling") it just brings the inevitable trials into sharper focus. I'm scheduled for a hair transplant consult in April, which I desperately want/need to happen sooner than later for my mental well being (I've said it before, but no harm repeating it, my hair is my #1 source of dysphoria, hands down). But... unless he gives me really, really good new (ie: only need 1k grafts), I don't think I can afford it. I'm still paying for my schooling, and the money from inheritance from my mom is getting very low. Daily living expenses are just too high meaning I dip into it every few months to py off credit card, and I never can save more (not that SS would let me). Tuition takes a steady chunk out each semester, and I certainly can't forego that, and there are countless other costs on the horizon I have to factor in as well. An entirely new wardrobe at even rock bottom prices is still not chump change, HRT meds are about 30-40 a month and may only go up as dosages increase, I'm going to be reliant on makeup and wigs for a while, after laser session 3 my groupon runs out and price skyrockets, etc. On top of everything else, I really need dental work done, like REALLY REALLY bad, easily high hundreds if not thousands worth. As it is, I think I have to drop my therapy sessions, my single biggest cost at the moment. I just don't have the money, plain and simple. But then that might just make everything else harder without the outlet. I don't think I absolutely require it anymore, but... I really like it, even if just for a chance to be me without reservation for an hour every two weeks.

So that brings me to my diet. It's broken. It's super, absolutely, positively broken. My stress level is too high, and then eating because of the stress just creates more stress in that vicious cycle, ugh. My time frame of weight loss I wanted to achieve of at least 30 pounds by July (about 1 pound a week), is just not going to happen the way things are going, and I will be supremely lucky to even maintain. So that just creates EVEN MORE stress, because I want to just cry and cry and cry when I go to meet someone in particular this summer, knowing I'll still look like I do right now. (And the previous full body pictures and all I've posted are not good indicators of me in real life, I'm  very overweight, there's no getting around it. Nowhere near as much as I used to be, but way more than I'm happy being.) I told myself today a few times that something has to give, and it's dieting, because school and transitioning are too important. I wound up eating multiple bowls of ice cream and a ton of chicken wings in addition to normal meals. That's... not sustainable. And I realized afterward that I can't give up on my diet, because the fallout from that would be just as severe as anything else. Everything I've come to at this point has been centered more around weight loss than even transitioning, particularly as it is intrinsically tied into my self image while transitioning.

And everything takes up every second of my day pretty much. I don't have any reliable release. No breaks, no weekends of just relaxing while watching TV, no taking time out to just listen to music or play a video game. (And even attempting to just leads to me feeling the deadline stress even more with school.)

I want it all to just be over(not in a suicide way, in a time travel way), because I can't keep this up. I'm going to seriously have a breakdown at this rate. (Which is really bad considering I'm about to have to stop going to therapy because of finances!)

Hi Ellie,

    Yep, That sure sounds hard all that school stress, no time to manage your time, working on becoming a ravishing young lady, Paying bills and not enough money to pay them But you know what? It could be worse. You could be on the Laurie list. Aren'y you glad you don't have to worry about that?  or do you?....

Hugs hun,
   Laurie

sweet dreams....

Quote from: Roll on March 04, 2018, 11:23:55 PM
I hate this. My life is just one giant ball of stress with no outlets right now, except for the occasional amazingly fun conversation with my sister (wouldn't be funny to relay it, but suffice to say we were both laughing so hard for about 20 minutes straight we felt like we had just done 500 stomach crunches over something super silly last night ).

I've never had to run up against deadlines like this in school before, and three large group projects simultaneously is just... it's too much. (I'm officially project leader in one and defacto leader in a second as well, only increasing my workload. I am anti-social and abhor responsibility, but I'm OCD enough and want to push the group for my own sake I make an oddly good leader apparently. Always reluctant, but I step up when I'm needed. Was the same way in MMOs, I would always wind up being put in charge just because no one else would do it, and then be effective enough at it no one would replace me. It is quite frustrating because I genuinely hate it.)

Transitioning woes have only solidified, as with every good change (my smile is so much nicer now with the slight "redimpling") it just brings the inevitable trials into sharper focus. I'm scheduled for a hair transplant consult in April, which I desperately want/need to happen sooner than later for my mental well being (I've said it before, but no harm repeating it, my hair is my #1 source of dysphoria, hands down). But... unless he gives me really, really good new (ie: only need 1k grafts), I don't think I can afford it. I'm still paying for my schooling, and the money from inheritance from my mom is getting very low. Daily living expenses are just too high meaning I dip into it every few months to py off credit card, and I never can save more (not that SS would let me). Tuition takes a steady chunk out each semester, and I certainly can't forego that, and there are countless other costs on the horizon I have to factor in as well. An entirely new wardrobe at even rock bottom prices is still not chump change, HRT meds are about 30-40 a month and may only go up as dosages increase, I'm going to be reliant on makeup and wigs for a while, after laser session 3 my groupon runs out and price skyrockets, etc. On top of everything else, I really need dental work done, like REALLY REALLY bad, easily high hundreds if not thousands worth. As it is, I think I have to drop my therapy sessions, my single biggest cost at the moment. I just don't have the money, plain and simple. But then that might just make everything else harder without the outlet. I don't think I absolutely require it anymore, but... I really like it, even if just for a chance to be me without reservation for an hour every two weeks.

So that brings me to my diet. It's broken. It's super, absolutely, positively broken. My stress level is too high, and then eating because of the stress just creates more stress in that vicious cycle, ugh. My time frame of weight loss I wanted to achieve of at least 30 pounds by July (about 1 pound a week), is just not going to happen the way things are going, and I will be supremely lucky to even maintain. So that just creates EVEN MORE stress, because I want to just cry and cry and cry when I go to meet someone in particular this summer, knowing I'll still look like I do right now. (And the previous full body pictures and all I've posted are not good indicators of me in real life, I'm  very overweight, there's no getting around it. Nowhere near as much as I used to be, but way more than I'm happy being.) I told myself today a few times that something has to give, and it's dieting, because school and transitioning are too important. I wound up eating multiple bowls of ice cream and a ton of chicken wings in addition to normal meals. That's... not sustainable. And I realized afterward that I can't give up on my diet, because the fallout from that would be just as severe as anything else. Everything I've come to at this point has been centered more around weight loss than even transitioning, particularly as it is intrinsically tied into my self image while transitioning.

And everything takes up every second of my day pretty much. I don't have any reliable release. No breaks, no weekends of just relaxing while watching TV, no taking time out to just listen to music or play a video game. (And even attempting to just leads to me feeling the deadline stress even more with school.)

I want it all to just be over(not in a suicide way, in a time travel way), because I can't keep this up. I'm going to seriously have a breakdown at this rate. (Which is really bad considering I'm about to have to stop going to therapy because of finances!)

I'm not sure I can say much to help but please try to take one thing at a time. You're really stressed right now understandably with school and that truly sucks. Trust me I know I almost gave up, flunked out and wanted to give up while in college. Many times, over and over again. I know how badly you want school to end, and it will. Before you know it your projects will be over. It'll be summer session and you can choose or not choose to courses until fall.

As for clothes, I'm in the same boat. I'm on medical leave from work and really don't have an income to afford much. I think I'm look for a thrift store and see what they have.

I'm sitting here eating chocolate chip cookies with milk which I really shouldn't be doing but I cope with eating. Oh and I just finished the box of cheese crackers I bought yesterday... I'm not buying any junk food from now on.

Anyway my point in sharing is that there's just steps we have to take. They're small but if we keep at it they can mean something in the long run.

Good luck with everything we're here for you!

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I can only imagine how stressful that must be for you. I understand dropping the therapy, despite how much it may help. I don't really feel like I need it anymore, either (most of the time....). Just keep that contact info handy just in case. I'm sure you know you can always come to us for help, too. I don't know how much good advice I have to offer, but you're always free to PM me if you need to talk or even just unload.

I know how you feel about being put in charge. I've never enjoyed responsibility, yet I regularly was put in management positions. Even before that when I was doing tabletop gaming, people always made me the dungeon/game master because no one else wanted to do it, and I was presumably just competent enough to make it entertaining.

I prescribe 1 Laurie visit for stress reduction. 

Quote from: Sarah_P on March 05, 2018, 12:47:39 AM
I know how you feel about being put in charge. I've never enjoyed responsibility, yet I regularly was put in management positions. Even before that when I was doing tabletop gaming, people always made me the dungeon/game master because no one else wanted to do it, and I was presumably just competent enough to make it entertaining.

This introvert regularly gets shoved into management positions against her will, too. I can't get myself voted out of the president position of our flying club no matter what I try. Even transitioning didn't do it. Pre-transition I was voted chairman of a jury. Maybe people are seeing something in me that I don't, but more likely they trust me just enough to be marginally competent to vote into a job nobody else wants, and I'm just dumb enough to let them.

Ellie, I know it's rough, but transitioning isn't a race, no matter how fast you want it to go. It may or may not be a consolation that even if you take things one slow step at a time, you'll still be a fraction of my age when you're done. I envy your youth and the amount of time you'll have to live authentically.

Deep breaths, girl. Organize and prioritize as best you can and keep moving forward. You'll get there.


- Stephanie

Oh wow you sure have got a lot going on right now. And none of it sounds easy at all especially the group projects. They were the bane of my high school years, like you I always got appointed to run the group which is just the most stressful thing isn't it.

Don't worry too much about occasionally breaking your diet, they are much more difficult to do than anyone realises until they do one. The most important thing is to not give up, it really doesn't matter if you have a bad week or two if you push to get yourself back on course. 

I know it's tough but you can do this



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Thank you all! I feel a lot better this morning having vented and gotten some decent sleep for a change. The school stuff I can push through, it's just the time pressure stress which hammers me daily and sort of doesn't give me a chance to relax and deal with the real issues. Definitely not fun regardless.

Unfortunately, the financial concerns are what a lot of the real (at least justified) stress really boils down to, and I know that many people go through the same thing transitioning, and just in life in general. The stupid part is that if I would actually ask, my dad would probably cover virtually everything (and it would all still be significantly less than what hes paid for everyone of my siblings tuition wise, and then even as adults to help with stuff like cars, mortgages,etc.), but that's just not in my nature. Probably because of my situation over the years with anxiety and agoraphobia, I've developed a huge complex about being a burden, and asking for money plays right into that.

The July time limit on some stuff like weight loss is totally self inflicted and so stupid, I really just need to get over it. It's born of runaway hormones and having to figure out those pesky things called emotions.

I'm glad you're feeling better, Ellie. I'm familiar with the good that a pressure release and some sleep can do for a mood.

You know what's best for your own family and mental health, but if your dad is otherwise supportive, maybe a few subtle references to your financial straits would give him the opportunity to make an offer to help, and of course you wouldn't want to hurt his feelings by refusing. [emoji6]

Just thinking out loud... you can fix that noise by turning up the radio. [emoji56]

Stephanie

Ellie. wow you do have a lot on your mind.  Please know this stress is temporary.  To make it better think of tiny rewards you can offer yourself.  I personally like the visit a pet store or dog park at a break.  Something about dogs that just petting them makes me think things are okay.  Still though projects will be done soon, tests will be done regularly.  Afterwards try to decompress. I wouldn't worry about the Diet right now.  Your brain needs food too.  If you lived here I would take you out for dinner, to calm you down:)

Bari Jo

I am sorry to hear that you have so much on your mind right now Ellie.  I wish I had an easy solution for you, but I can't figure it my own life right now, let alone others.

I know what it's like to often (or always) be thrust into the leadership role you don't want.  I can be quite an effective leadership, but I'd rather not be if I don't have to be.  I did like being a raid leader during my wow days, but I kind of become a demanding jerk or just way too stressed out over the inability of others dragging the group down.

I wouldn't stress about the diet.  Seriously, you have enough on your plate.  Just try your best to avoid over-eating for now and focus on the diet after you have less to worry about.  Increasing activity level typically will do so much more as long as you don't as calories back in to compensate.

I know you are very concerned about your weight, but I doubt is as bad as you think.  The photos I've seen show you to carry it well and it certainly isn't an inhibitor to presenting femme.  We are the same height and I was (and still am) heavier than you.  Over the summer I was up to 260lbs, which is the heaviest in my life.  I can barely stand to look at the few photos from that time because I was so big.  You'll get there, it's a marathon not a sprint.  Proper fashion choices will allow you to mitigate the weight and still look fabulous.

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Quote from: Roll on March 05, 2018, 08:03:14 AM
Thank you all! I feel a lot better this morning having vented and gotten some decent sleep for a change. The school stuff I can push through, it's just the time pressure stress which hammers me daily and sort of doesn't give me a chance to relax and deal with the real issues. Definitely not fun regardless.

Unfortunately, the financial concerns are what a lot of the real (at least justified) stress really boils down to, and I know that many people go through the same thing transitioning, and just in life in general. The stupid part is that if I would actually ask, my dad would probably cover virtually everything (and it would all still be significantly less than what hes paid for everyone of my siblings tuition wise, and then even as adults to help with stuff like cars, mortgages,etc.), but that's just not in my nature. Probably because of my situation over the years with anxiety and agoraphobia, I've developed a huge complex about being a burden, and asking for money plays right into that.

The July time limit on some stuff like weight loss is totally self inflicted and so stupid, I really just need to get over it. It's born of runaway hormones and having to figure out those pesky things called emotions.

Consider yourself lucky. A lot of people are sometimes dependent on their parents when they need to be. I don't have that option at all, even when I need it most. My dad isn't a doctor. Actually he gambles and has other major issues I won't get into. None of my older 5 siblings talk to him except maybe my brother who my dad calls to borrow money. This has been my whole life. So be very grateful for what you have... [emoji4]

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Well, the rest of this crap just got put into perspective, and I am teetering between numb denial and terrified.

I've mentioned it in passing, but starting back in December, my sister keeps having suspicious moles pop up. Pure black, pin point moles. She has been regularly checked. Biopsies didn't show it being melanoma, but were questionable so they removed it then, and have since excised another. Today she went in for another check up, and they did a full body exam. Now she has another one right next to where the original was, in a spot apparently notorious for being melanoma. They took another biopsy, but it is absolutely not a good thing one formed so quickly (sub 4 months) in about the same spot when the entire area was removed. It doesn't mean for sure it's cancerous, but they are being very coy about what they say and aren't offering any platitudes which I don't trust at all.

So yeah... Not sure what else to say. To make things even a bit more surreal, she was accepted into Virginia Tech today, which no one was really expecting since, while she is brilliant, she tends towards more the liberal arts type subjects rather than math and engineering.

Sorry to hear that (the first part)  !
Hope she's okay....!

And congrats for the Virginia Tech part  !!!

I don't even know what to say.... I truly hope it's nothing big & she'll be OK.

I hope it's benign.  More stress, sorry about this Ellie.  Update us when you know.

Bari Jo

I'm sorry to hear about your sister.  I hope things turn out alright.  I'm glad she got into a good school.  She is being smart, there is no future in the liberal arts. 

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Quote from: amberwaves on March 06, 2018, 10:32:48 AM
I'm sorry to hear about your sister.  I hope things turn out alright.  I'm glad she got into a good school.  She is being smart, there is no future in the liberal arts. 

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Yeah, she definitely has no plans to go into the liberal arts, she had first hand witness to the uselessness of my step brother's philosophy degree. She is really undecided at the moment, but traditionally she has looked towards architecture and nursing.

Quote from: Roll on March 06, 2018, 10:58:28 AM
Yeah, she definitely has no plans to go into the liberal arts, she had first hand witness to the uselessness of my step brother's philosophy degree. She is really undecided at the moment, but traditionally she has looked towards architecture and nursing.

Lol, my guy friend that I live with has a philosophy degree. He spends all day sitting around watching TV. Even he says the only thing it's good for is teaching philosophy.