Hi! I've been questioning my gender for like, the last 5 months, and I kinda feel like I want to start making progress with my questions instead of just lurking on forums for all time, so I wanted to make a post.
Masculinity: I think I've always felt vaguely not necessarily uncomfortable with being a guy or masculinity, but not necessarily "comfortable" either, if that makes sense? I've felt alienated by traditional masculinity or toxic masculinity, but I feel like that's just a sign that I'm not a dumb-dumb. But generally I've felt kind of take-it-or-leave-it with my own masculinity over the course of my life, moreso feeling like "leave it" over the last few months.
Body Stuff: I've never been like, a big fan of my body. I always thought that I was skinny and unattractive, but during times when I'd go to the gym and actually gain traditionally male muscle patterns, I'd feel even worse about my body, somehow. I thought this was maybe just moving goalposts like "now that I have some muscles, I feel even worse about not having more", but now I'm not so sure.
Conversely the parts of my body that I always have been most proud of have been less-than-dude-centric, I used to be huge into biking and frequently bragged about my enormous thighs and shapely booty. But then I always hated my body hair, and would wear full-length pants in the middle of the sweltering heat while everyone else was wearing shorts just because I hated my leg hair. But over the last 3 or 4 months I've been doing hair removal and feel literally thrilled whenever my legs are hair-free.
When I was younger I had long hair and loved it, but after having people repeatedly tell me that girls wouldn't find me attractive with long hair, I got it cut short, and have kept it so ever since. And now I dress very stereotypically masculine, and feel that others do find me attractive, but I'm not sure that I really look how I want to look.
I just have very strong, vivid memories of every time I'd experienced feminine experiences, times I was mistaken for a girl when I was younger and had long hair, having a girlfriend paint my fingernails as a joke, hanging out almost exclusively with women groups of friends, attending women-centric events and holding onto the free goodie bag with nail polish and other women-centered things while deciding not to think about why I wanted to hold onto those items so bad.
In recent months I've worn women's clothes in the privacy of my room or when I have the house to myself, and I feel like I feel better while wearing them. Or at least feel something positive, whereas with guy clothes I'm like "guess I'll wear these since it's that or being arrested for public indecency". But then I only enjoy wearing women's clothes when I'm not looking in the mirror, especially with tops, because I feel like I look awful and they don't fit right at all from the waist up. I've always had a strong interest in trans issues and have some trans friends, and now I'm wondering if that's because I'm trans myself. Before really letting myself think about it 5 months ago, I'd usually say that I was probably non-binary if I thought about it, or if it came up in my own head, I'd just think "hoo boy that's not a rabbit hole we're ready to go down, you're probably fine anyway" but now that I'm actually processing those vague feelings it totally sucks. Not that trans folks aren't awesome, but it sure doesn't make life easier. Even at the start of 5 months ago before I actually let myself think about the consequences of how I felt, my first thought was "you'd probably be a little happier as a woman, but being a guy is okay".
I'm also bisexual, but I always felt like there was a little something more going on in my queer identity than just sexual orientation. But I dunno!
Okay so like, doubts though. I've been going through the process of applying to grad school this year, and so part of me wonders if I haven't taken up the "am I trans?" question as just like, a really uncommon hobby to distract myself from the pretty hefty stresses involved. And sometimes I worry about sexual elements of exploring these issues signifies that I'm just a crossdresser. Which like, I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's a complicated set of feelings to work through.
I currently have a therapist and figure the next step is talking to her about this and maybe seeing a gender-specific therapist, but I dunno, man. So that's just a huuuuge screed on everything I'm feeling right now, I think I wrote it as much for myself to get it out there as I did for it to be read, buuuut if you got through it, thank you so so much for reading! Please comment with your thoughts!
