I may be starting soon. I know after I get the letter from this therapist there's usually a 6 month wait with the endo. There was before when I tried to get on T.

I simply feel calm and relaxed. The loud buzz of dysphoria is pretty much all gone. I no longer feel uncomfortable and awkward anymore. I simply feel right within myself.

Relaxed. No anxiety. Less dysphoria about the body. More confident. Less self-conscious.

One other thing I did notice as well - have a major phobia of surgery, or did have before T. I went for top on the 7th and I can tell you I barely felt anything about it this time around after over a year on T. Almost zero anxiety or care whereas before I would have been extremely nervous about being sedated and operated on.

so far I am increasingly less self conscious, less prone to anxiety, and less depressed.  I also feel like I have less time for people's bs and am more direct in my responses.  probably due to having a bit more confidence. I feel a lot more clear headed.

My monthly cycle was leaving me suicidally depressed for a week every month, not because of dysphoria--I wasn't really dysphoric over the fact that I had a perdiod--but because my brain just seemed to hate whatever was happening hormonally. Obviously, stopping my cycle and moving to a nice steady dosage of T was a huge boost to my overall well-being. Overall, I feel more focused and less anxious than I did before. I also have more energy.

widdershins, my dysphoria is bad every month, would sure like to get on T.

Being on T while self-medding it, which was how I started, was emotionally hazardous for me cause of unstable hormone levels I couldn't monitor. But being on T the healthy way via endo has always been emotionally and mentally empowering and soothing for me.

I like the psychological changes from T that made it easier for me to handle my emotions and more logically understand them. I like not crying so much and so easily anymore cause I always hated crying in front of others as it made me feel vulnerable and not in control. I've felt emotionally stronger/tougher and more "together" since starting T properly.

But the self-medding didn't do much good for me except from giving me my deep voice and making me look slightly more androgynous. I self-medded with T for 1 year, then was off T for 2 years before I started it the healthy way. Been on it for almost 5 years since then. But it's 6 years in total.

I look back now on episodes of crying in the past and wonder what it was all about. How it was a bit like being possessed by something just grabbing you by the throat and making you choke up. How it's literally like feeling your emotional legs give out from under you and being almost as embarrassing and pathetic as if your real legs gave out from under you if it was happening and you didn't want it to. Not being in sufficient control of the body is distressing for people with various medical conditions when they can't control their bodily functions and I felt like that too with crying.   

Ofc I know it's down to E, and/or low T changing the way the brain processes emotions and reacts to stimuli. And I know if you happen to be without T or any hormones for a while, it'll come back. Along with the anxiety. That's my biggest problem with HRT - potential shortages.

I have noticed an absence of fear since T. Yesterday I was out walking and this woman was out walking a big and skittish dog near me. The dog makes a beeline for me and starts growling, yammering and making little darts at me like they do when they look for an opening to bite, and ignoring her yelling at it to stop. Knowing dogs, I kept my face turned to it the whole time until it started to wear itself out and eventually she got it on a lead. I just felt nothing though, no anxiety, just awareness and a thought process of what I was going to do should the dog try to jump up. Same with hospital the other week, no anxiety, no nothing. The old process of feeling anxious seems to have packed up and gone. Which is fine by me. . . 

(What was kinda weird was the woman's explanation for the dog attacking - she said, "oh I'm sorry, it's because you're wearing black" lol. I wasn't dressed like a ninja or a tealeaf of anything. A lot of people are out wearing dark clothes in this weather.)

Incredibly less depressed, more confident, i dont feel as much like an alien as i used to. i was so mad at the world before t. i couldnt look at other trans males progress because i felt as if id never get there.

its the most amazing thing, im def the most happiest ive ever been in life. even being on t when no changes were noticeable, i was relieved that i knew something was cooking up in me

hormonally, sex drive increases. a lot. i think that has to do with your initial sex drive too though. also i get very angry and frustrated easily, my boyfriend doesnt like that at all, but it kind of makes me happy at the same time, because i think of how a lot of cis men are more aggressive too. however not everyone gets angry, most say its a myth, but in my case i dont think so. i was NEVER angry before, like it took a lot to get me mad, i would get sad more so than mad. id say its the exact opposite now.
i dont know if this has anything to do with testosterone, but im also more attracted to girls? like, im pan, but after testosterone i find myself eyeing pretty girls more.

in general, i feel normal in the world yknow

Thanks for sharing guys.

Oh yeah, one thing I reckon I should mention I noticed.

It seems easier to become a little more obsessive if you happen to have a crush on someone. Least it is for me. I don't mean stalkerish. More willing to give things a go for starters if the opportunity came up. I'm not sure it's necessarily related to sex drive, because I don't think it is in my case all about that. More like a more nagging desire to have someone in your life like that. A lot of cis guys I know have alluded over the years to feeling incomplete without someone. Wouldn't say I feel like that right now but I do notice myself thinking more about that stuff and in a different way.

Quote from: Kylo on March 18, 2018, 03:53:07 PM
I look back now on episodes of crying in the past and wonder what it was all about. How it was a bit like being possessed by something just grabbing you by the throat and making you choke up. How it's literally like feeling your emotional legs give out from under you and being almost as embarrassing and pathetic as if your real legs gave out from under you if it was happening and you didn't want it to. Not being in sufficient control of the body is distressing for people with various medical conditions when they can't control their bodily functions and I felt like that too with crying.

I relate to this a lot. Before T I started crying rather easily and it felt like that for me too. I hated that I didn't have better control over my physical reactions to whatever I was feeling, especially when I didn't even know what brought me to tears. And then having to try to explain it to others who were worried when I'd rather they get away from me. I'm not one to seek or want comfort when I'm upset, but prefer solitude then, but tears bring attention. And that's for me very unwanted attention. But now on T I still notice that "tears pushing from within" -sensation when I'm upset, but it doesn't often turn into actual tears and that gives me a more stable feeling of control.