I know it's obession for most trans folks to pass. I believe me I understand why. You are more accepted in society. Your safer. People aren't uncomfortable around you. It's easier to find love. You basically travel through life with less resistance.

But this is for all my trans sisters and brothers, who are like me and don't pass. Your still beautiful. Your life will go on. It may be harder. But it's still doable. You can still live as you. And you need to live as you. You need to love you, and the right people will love you too.

Yes it can be very hard. The world is sometimes colder to us. You will come out of this stronger, and with empathy for others, that most don't have. You won't have a dark secret to hide anymore. And yes you will loose a lot of people, but you will find yourself. And there is nothing more valuable than that.

I'm not out to condemn people for the obsession of trying to pass. But seeing all that breaks my heart. Because I know that you VALID , and beautiful. And passing is not a requirement. ( Although I understand the feeling of why it's important.)

And I know that I'm still valid and worthy of love and acceptance, even though I don't pass. ( I get misgendered about 50% of time.)

P.S the third from the last picture was from about 6 months ago. I was so afraid, I cried and changed my clothes before leaving the house. The  second from the last picture was me before my transition started, with my mother. We aren't talking very much right now.) The last picture is of me and my partner. That picture was taken at the very beginning of my transition. She was my biggest ally. She is gone now as last Thursday. And I have no clue where she is.

Nobody said this life would be easy. But it's possible. And I have to keep working towards my goals of understanding myself. Continuing my education. Continuing my  transition. And to one day be able to help others. The the cost of transitioning is high, what the cost not to was higher. I have the scars to prove it.

----
Love always.
Laurel.
   

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Thank you. I needed to see that. I am sorry your mom is not talking but hopefully over time that will change. I hope your partner shows up. I really hope she is safe.

Laurel,
I loved you posting  "what happens when you don't pass" 
With almost no exceptions, all of us that are transitioning have had disappointing and demoralizing experiences at one time or another. 
Onlookers can be cruel with their stares and rude comments. 
In my experience it is always best to not respond or react to those kinds of folks.  Best thing to do is to continue on your way with your head held high and try to muster all the self-confidence and self-assurance that you can next time you go out in female mode.  Since transitioning is a work in progress, try to improve in areas of your transitioning that you deem that may need work, clothing, shoes, hair, fingernails, makeup, mannerisms, movements, walking, sitting, etc, etc. 
A lot can be learned by people watching at a busy mall, watch the females and the males and how they interact and move around.
Looking at your photos, I think that your clothing is just fine.... but you are not smiling.  A nice smile disarms many onlookers.
I think it is sad that your partner is gone... perhaps she will return... hopefully.
Regarding your mom.... when I started my transition my mom, dad and other extended family members and some of my very best friends all but disowned me.  When I called my mom on Christmas day she actually called me Danielle... that was the very first time...................   
...so, all in all, there is always hope... the old saying... "hope springs eternal"

Thank you for writing and please keep us updated... looking forward to your next update.

Wishing you the best,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 20, 2018, 08:30:59 PM
Laurel,
I loved you posting  "what happens when you don't pass" 
With almost no exceptions, all of us that are transitioning have had disappointing and demoralizing experiences at one time or another. 
Onlookers can be cruel with their stares and rude comments. 
In my experience it is always best to not respond or react to those kinds of folks.  Best thing to do is to continue on your way with your head held high and try to muster all the self-confidence and self-assurance that you can next time you go out in female mode.  Since transitioning is a work in progress, try to improve in areas of your transitioning that you deem that may need work, clothing, shoes, hair, fingernails, makeup, mannerisms, movements, walking, sitting, etc, etc. 
A lot can be learned by people watching at a busy mall, watch the females and the males and how they interact and move around.
Looking at your photos, I think that your clothing is just fine.... but you are not smiling.  A nice smile disarms many onlookers.
I think it is sad that your partner is gone... perhaps she will return... hopefully.
Regarding your mom.... when I started my transition my mom, dad and other extended family members and some of my very best friends all but disowned me.  When I called my mom on Christmas day she actually called me Danielle... that was the very first time...................   
...so, all in all, there is always hope... the old saying... "hope springs eternal"

Thank you for writing and please keep us updated... looking forward to your next update.

Wishing you the best,
Danielle

As far as my transition goes, I'm doing a little bit at a time, and a rate that doesn't stress me any further. But never with the expectation of passing. Because I'm not sure that's possible for me. I will cross that bridge in a few years. All I try to do  improve. And not for anyone, but myself.

I am still working on the smiling thing. I have always been self-conscious about taking photos. I've taken more photos in the little bit of time ( since I started my transition .) Then I did in several years. I used to hide from the camera when someone won't pull out there phone. Now I take selfies. At least one a week.  Smiling is nothing that comes naturally to me. Especially when it's not real. ( Especially now with my partner being gone.) But I do notice people treat me differently when I smile.  ( Even though I have a resting bitch face....lol)

As  for my partner, this has happened many times before.  Her reaction to my transition, seems to be on both extremes. Not sure what to do with the moment, but not knowing as usual hurts .

Thanks for the advice and for a thoughtful comment.






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Quote from: Kaitlynbeard on March 20, 2018, 08:14:28 PM
Thank you. I needed to see that. I am sorry your mom is not talking but hopefully over time that will change. I hope your partner shows up. I really hope she is safe.

Thank you for the kind words.

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On kind of a different note, I had a random passenger, hold my hand, and tell me everything's going to be alright. I faked a smile, but I almost cried. That kind of thing is very rare in a world that is so cold. And I greatly appreciated it.

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I don't pass. I don't care. One of the most touching moments was when I was in Manchester a heavily built bearded man came up to me & said "I wish I dare" before I could say anything they jumped on a bus.I hope they dared