Hi everyone!

I'm 32 years old, AFAB, and realized I was transgender a couple of months ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks and there are so many emotions to unpack.

The biggest one that I'm struggling with is the sense of being a complete failure as a woman, and how to mourn that properly and move on. I need to have some kind of funeral for myself. I know that sounds heavy, but I have a really profound sense of loss for the life I built expecting to be something that I am not. It has given me great comfort to read posts from other people here who struggled with those similar emotions.

In retrospect, there were tons of indicators from childhood onward that what was in my head didn't match my body, but I never gave it any conscious consideration. One thing I always felt strongly about was never, ever, ever wanting children. I am deathly afraid of holding babies. The idea of being pregnant is like an Alien movie to me.

I blamed this on the fact that I had a bad relationship with my mother, and that femininity was something I could learn. I always thought the idea that homosexuality can be "cured" is dangerous, destructive, and insane - and yet - I completely internalized that same flavor of narrative and inflicted it upon myself. I thought I could fix myself.

I traveled until I was 28 and then moved back home, fell head over heels in love with a guy, and realized I had to "fix" myself to make the relationship work. I blew all my past relationships because of masculine behavior. (I also had deep unrequited feelings for mostly gay or femme guys, and all of my past relationships were with guys who weren't perfectly straight. Interesting?)

I read a lot of self-help, like Dr. Pat Allen, Evan Marc Katz, about learning to respond in relationships from a place of femininity. I also learned a LOT about communication and boundaries, healthy conflict management in relationships, which I had never been taught, so overall, this was positive. I have amazing communication with my guy and we're still together.

So this was going well, and it seemed evident that I simply had to LEARN how to be a woman.

I needed a career. I became an esthetician. I absolutely love what I do (but I have an atypical relationship with it, and hyperfeminine clients avoid me. Interesting?).

The experience wasn't this great spiritual revelation I had hoped it would be. The women at school were terrible to me. Women at salons were especially vicious to me (one of them purposely attempted to burn my face with a chemical peel when we were trading services, I was never anything but polite and professional with her). I didn't fit in. People have a sixth sense for other people that are different, I guess. I only ever had one female friend growing up (*who also doesn't have kids and just ended an LTR with a crossdreamer). So not fitting in didn't SURPRISE me.

After about two years of searching, I found a salon that I feel safe working at, knowing no one will vandalize my stuff, trash talk behind my back to steal clients, etc. (I wonder how much hostility toward gender nonconforming people is pronounced in American culture? The place where I work now is predominantly Asian. The only other time in my life I thrived in a work environment of mostly women was when I lived in Toronto, and the cultural climate was SO different from the rural/racist/homophobic part of the US where I grew up.)

The place I work now is open concept, so while I perform my services, I hear everything else going on in the salon. I hear women's conversations while they're sitting at the nail dryers. The salon is kid friendly. The place is always busy with bridal parties. Previously, I had worked in isolated treatment rooms, and clients usually sleep through my services, so I wasn't immersed in this constant background of feminine conversation.

And then it hit me. I was watching a pregnant lady with her friends, having a celebration with gifts, etc., and I realized I will never, ever be this. Any of it. Being a woman is completely alien to me and I am 100% not a woman. This isn't something I can fix.

To compound the issue, I've officially hit the dirty 30's, and my ovaries are in this insane, frothing rage to make a baby. Once I started sexually peaking, my body has been at complete odds with my mind and it's made dysphoria really intense. I have always felt so guilty that I don't want kids, like this evil blackhearted monster, like something must be wrong with me, I must have no soul.

At first, I told myself that I wouldn't want kids unless I had the perfect man, financial security, and a job that would allow me to parent the child. I assumed that once these pieces fell into place my feelings would change. Well, they didn't. My partner says he really doesn't care either way (*but he is younger than me and I understand there's a risk here), we can travel, have a giant garden instead, donate money to environmental causes.

But I can't shake this guilt that I failed him. I feel terrible because having his children is literally something I can't bring myself to do for him. Like I can't be a woman for him and a woman was what he signed up for.

So, realizing I am not a woman has been intensely liberating in that it frees me from this sense of failure.

But I'm still working on moving through these intense feelings of failure. I honestly BELIEVED that by surrounding myself with women, it would magically make me one, and once all the chips in my life fell perfectly into place I would... umm... turn into one, I guess?

I need to ceremoniously make some kind of final peace with that. Not entirely sure how. It is like mourning a death and it comes in waves. The identity I built for myself and 100% believe in and put all my faith in turned out to be a lie. Which is okay - for the best in the long run - but I need to find a way to grieve appropriately.

I also want to emphasize that my gender issues go way beyond the decision of whether or not to have children, but it wasn't until my clock started ringing that I was like, "Oh my god. NOPE." I was content to psychologically float around in gender identity limbo until it became biological decision time.

New haircut and new clothes have helped me feel immensely better.

I'm not 100% male, either. I feel like whatever started loading male software into my brain in utero crashed around 53% and didn't resume. This has been made equally evident when I am in all male company.

Anyway, because of my anatomy, I always assumed I would grow up to be a woman. But I didn't. Surprise!

Hi BlackCat:

You have touched a lot of different topics in short duration.  I'll try to hit a few main points for you in a reply and hopefully point you in a direction that can help.

First of all, I'm 38, I'm trans, I came out as a teenager, told my mother and showed her beyond any doubt that I am indeed trans.  This was in the 90's.  No such thing as youtube, and you could barely load a webpage on a dial-up modem.

Are you sure your signs were signs? or was it just a youth being a youth.  There is more similarities than there is difference between men and women.  For example. One thing we have 100% in common is sense of humour.  It's actually identical between the two sexes aside for a masculine and feminine approach to humour.

People who struggle to love themselves will also have a tendency to struggle to love others or want/have children.  It is very common.  The biggest issue I see with in the LBGT community in general is self acceptance.  No one is ever happy.  With trans the most obvious thing is outward cosmetic appearance.  There is cases of people spending $50,000+ just on facial surgery and still unhappy about it and they wish to modify more trying to forever erase what they see as the wrong gender.

It really boils down to self acceptance.  The argument of "born into the wrong body" (I know people won't like this one) is pretty weak.  Especially when you start to research medical literature on trans and brain studies and so on.  There is a reason why we have the DSM-5 and lets see what it says about trans.

"In adolescents and adults gender dysphoria diagnosis involves a difference between one's experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, and significant distress or problems functioning. It lasts at least six months and is shown by at least two of the following:

    A marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
    A strong desire to be rid of one's primary and/or secondary sex characteristics
    A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender
    A strong desire to be of the other gender
    A strong desire to be treated as the other gender
    A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender"



As you can see no where does it say "born into the wrong body"  No medical professional that I am aware of has ever made the claim it is possible.  I personally check every box and then some.  I have suffered from being trans every day for 27 years roughly.  But I won't transition, as I recognize I have a disorder and I'll be flushing my life down the toilet if I attempt too.  Years of university? Gone, Family they'll stick around.  My good paying job with a pension? = Gone. I'll never pass = constant attacks and looks and comments in public.  Ability to have children would be gone forever as HRT makes you sterile.


Yes I can see why Trans has such high rates of depression.  This is why I am saying try to accept who you are, learn to love yourself and then maybe your view of your boyfriend and wanting to have children will change.  At 32 you said you have a desire to have kids but don't want them for a few reasons.  At 32 you are prime children barring age.  It's 100% natural.  It's also very common for people suffering the effects of depression to not wish to have kids.  Cure the negative thinking and then maybe the view on having kids and sticking with your BF will change.

Men love and want kids just as much as women do, this is something that is stereotyped a lot, but it is mostly false.  Most men want to be just as much if not more involved with having kids as women do.  I have friends that have expressed to their wives that they wish to get them pregnant.

You have also talked about not "getting along with other women"  But you also mention that you are suspicious of other women vandalizing or stealing your stuff.  If you are thinking like this towards others, they will pick up on it as they have senses also and their behavior will change to be on guard around you.  It's a normal defense mechanism.

Being suspicious of others is about the fastest way possible to sour what could be a positive relationship in a group environment and turn it to a negative one.

I suggest trying to see things from other people views but in a positive light then reflect.  If need be seek out a therapist and go from there.

PS.  People are most often a mirror of yourself.  IF you behave positively and friendly they'll return back to you in their actions,  if you behave suspiciously with a snarl and glare,  you'll get that returned back to you too.

Good Luck and I hope you find your path.

Hi Ashley! Thank you for taking the time to give such a thoughtful reply.

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Are you sure your signs were signs?

It would be another pages-long subject if I went into detail, but I have had signs from when I was a kid, through adolescence, into adulthood, consistently. It's actually quite embarrassing that I never paid attention to them, when I think about it. When I came out to my SO, he was like, "Well, duh, you do XYZ," before I even thought of talking to him about those things.

There are a few other people I'm nervous to tell, because I have a feeling they've suspected all along, and I'm going to feel like an idiot if I was the last person to the party to notice. Like everyone noticed except for me, and the paper trail is quite long.

Quote
People who struggle to love themselves will also have a tendency to struggle to love others or want/have children.  It is very common.  The biggest issue I see with in the LBGT community in general is self acceptance.  No one is ever happy.  With trans the most obvious thing is outward cosmetic appearance.  There is cases of people spending $50,000+ just on facial surgery and still unhappy about it and they wish to modify more trying to forever erase what they see as the wrong gender.

You make some very salient points here. Being in the beauty industry, I have seen the dark side of people who chase body modification because something in their self-perception is dysmorphic. Happiness has to come from within.

There is a marked difference, though, between being unhappy with the effects of aging, for example--and the challenges of being trans. But at the end of the day, happiness with the self is important, no matter who you are.

For me, the question is how do I integrate these different aspects of myself fully into my life, so I can express them in a healthy way, and not cause distress to myself or others. It's a balancing act and I'm trying to figure out where each piece belongs.

Quote
The argument of "born into the wrong body" (I know people won't like this one) is pretty weak.  Especially when you start to research medical literature on trans and brain studies and so on.  There is a reason why we have the DSM-5 and lets see what it says about trans ... as I recognize I have a disorder

With all respect, this narrative does not reflect my personal experience. I am aware there are several major narratives suggested for the "causes" of being trans, but I don't think any of them can singularly offer every trans person all the answers they need, and science/medicine/psychology have a long way to go before we can understand everything completely.

I think there is value in choosing the narrative that works for you and helps you interface with your personal situation. For me, I ascribed rigidly to the narrative of nurture and it failed, so now I am looking to nature. Neither of these exist in isolation, however, and there are probably more variables than we're aware of. I'm all ears to every possibility at the moment.

Quotemaybe your view of your boyfriend and wanting to have children will change.  At 32 you said you have a desire to have kids but don't want them for a few reasons.  At 32 you are prime children barring age.  It's 100% natural.

I have never had a shred of maternal inklings, my entire life. Never played with dolls. Infants provoke this visceral horror deep inside me. If I were to get pregnant and were unable to terminate the pregnancy, my screaming overwhelming instinct would be (I'm sorry - this is my feeling) suicide. That has always been my gut feeling since I knew what getting pregnant was. It's not for me, and it's horrifying and scary that I have to live in a body that is susceptible to pregnancy. No birth control is 100% effective.

Also interestingly, since I was young, the only other thing that frightened me as much as pregnancy was military conscription. Both are basically forced expressions of polar gender identity.

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It's also very common for people suffering the effects of depression to not wish to have kids.  Cure the negative thinking and then maybe the view on having kids and sticking with your BF will change.

I don't mean to sound arrogant when I say this, as text is limited, but I am extremely fortunate in that what triggered my awareness of being trans was a position of plenty. After years of hard work, I landed my career, my relationship is stable, and I felt happy and stable in life. I can finally afford chiropractic, as I've had lasting issues from a car accident years ago--and improving my health (made possible by stable life and career) was one of the major triggers in my process of realizing.

I am so so so blessed and grateful that I was not in a place of suffering when this all kicked off. If the floodgates had broken before I figured out my life, I would probably be in a very dark place.

I agree a therapist would be of value and I will hopefully have the insurance situation worked out for that in a few months.

QuoteYou have also talked about not "getting along with other women"  But you also mention that you are suspicious of other women vandalizing or stealing your stuff.  If you are thinking like this towards others, they will pick up on it as they have senses also and their behavior will change to be on guard around you.  It's a normal defense mechanism.

I understand what you are saying. My experience has been that I have legitimately had things stolen, wrecked, and a $1000 piece of equipment vandalized. I have had grown women stop me in passing, in the hall, at work, to mock some aspect of my appearance, my makeup, my clothes (I hardly wear any makeup and dress modestly to code). There were some that would purposely block the sink, or an exit, or do anything they could to passive aggressively keep me from doing my job. Some people ARE just cruel, for no reason, other than seeing someone subtly different makes them uncomfortable. I do make my best efforts to bring good vibes with me where I go.

People tell I'm "off" when I start talking, because I don't talk like a woman. I don't react emotionally. Women use conversation in a very specific way to build a kind of union between them, whereas my communication style is informational. Online I am misgendered as male 100% of the time, even if I use my female name. It's subtle. It's a different organization of thoughts. And some people read it as weird and they bristle.

I don't have a wall up and expect people to be cruel, though I understand how that can be offputting. I actually wasn't expecting to encounter as much hostility as I did in an all-female environment, which is part of why I think it's so interesting in context to the whole process of unfolding who/what I am.

QuoteI suggest trying to see things from other people views but in a positive light then reflect.  If need be seek out a therapist and go from there.

PS.  People are most often a mirror of yourself.  IF you behave positively and friendly they'll return back to you in their actions,  if you behave suspiciously with a snarl and glare,  you'll get that returned back to you too.

Definitely some wise words to live by.

There's so much to think about and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts!

     Don't feel bad taking so long to realize who you truly were it took me 55 years to figure it out very few people were really surprised my youngest daughter said that explains a lot when I came out to her I did have the signs but didn't recognize them like you I tried to fit the gender norm but eventually it became apparent it just won't work I wondered what was wrong with me in time I got past the denial and admitted to myself that I am trans this has opened up a whole new world to me where I can be true to myself

     bobbisue

You're very welcome. 

A short and sweat reply.  As you hit a few more topics which are often confused and misunderstood that anyone who is considering transition should look into.

Gender re-assignment has only been really main stream for the last say 20 years where it has become a regular practice and clinics that send in the referrals are pretty new too.

There is a new problem now on the horizon and it's a problem that John Hopkins Hospital warned of decades ago.  People having GCS still were not happy and suicide rates and depression were still high after surgery!

Now in Thailand there is a phenomenon creeping up called detransition.  I honestly have to research and read more literature on it.  There is cases popping up now where MtF have undergone GCS lived as a women for 10, 20, 30 years. Then going off HRT and trying to reverse everything and going back to live as male.

Regarding John Hopkins, in 1979 the SRS clinic closed it doors.  John Hopkins is now re-opening it's doors to gender surgeries.  But in 1979 after 14 years of operation.  If I remember correctly the finding was GCS didn't help the underlying psychiatric issues.  It only soften the severity of gender dysphoria that was felt.  They didn't regret doing it for the most part,  but it didn't help with any problems too.

Trans were still killing them selves in record numbers after making a full transition.

As for detransition starting to show up.  There is really little information at this time, I'm sure given present trends it is a ticking time bomb that will rear it's ugly head in 5 to 10 years.  By then there will be 1000's and 1000's of people who have had GCS for a couple decades.  Only then will we see how well the surgeries have helped or harmed people.

Here are some news articles on de-transition
http://www.newsweek.com/transgender-women-transgender-men-sex-change-sex-reassignment-surgery-676777

ThaiLand tightening the rules on GCS (to many people seeking to undo the sex change)
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/expat/expatnews/6669101/Thailand-tightens-sex-change-laws.html

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/16/transition-caused-more-problems-than-it-solved


Lastly the issue of passing as female or male.  The truth is, it's near zero and anyone being honest will admit it.  You have to accept it and love yourself.  Reality is almost no one ever really passes.  IT makes sense that people generally don't and can't pass.  As much as we may mascarade and try to behave like the opposite sex, Our minds are much more sharper than we give them credit for and we can see subtle clues that a million dollars in surgery and 30 years of HRT can't erase.

The dynamics our brains see for what is male and female goes way beyond a surgeon's knife or a pill from the doctor or clothing and how someone carries themselves.

I know it sounds harsh, It's just the reality.  The best result is avoiding transition, or if you do transition,  don't expect it to fix much and just learn to love yourself.  All transition accomplishes is a reduction of dysphoria, but it often creates new problems (not passing and now being the victim of hate crimes)

Btw. I hope your benefits comes through for you.  Good luck.

Quotethis has opened up a whole new world to me where I can be true to myself

Thanks, bobbisue. This is the part that excites me. I feel free from expectations when I think about it like this, and also blessed that I have something like a dual perspective on problem solving and creativity.

QuoteI know it sounds harsh, It's just the reality.  The best result is avoiding transition, or if you do transition,  don't expect it to fix much and just learn to love yourself.  All transition accomplishes is a reduction of dysphoria, but it often creates new problems (not passing and now being the victim of hate crimes)

Btw. I hope your benefits comes through for you.  Good luck.

Thank you. Transitioning is serious business, and there are so many factors to consider. I don't think transitioning, or even HRT is the right choice for me. I just have to reassess how I'm expressing myself with the body I have, so none of the parts of my psyche are neglected and I'm living authentically. The other hard part is grieving my attachment to what I am not. It's okay if I can't be Betty Crocker, but that's what was expected of me, so I have to light that pyre and push it off into the stars. It's a mixed bag of death/rebirth, loss/excitement. Most importantly, I don't want to lose sight of keeping both feet on the ground.

I'm finding a lot of peace in reading Felix Conrad's books, concerning his advice for choosing to remain non-binary. But non-binary isn't the solution for everyone, either.

I don't see how you are a failure, or your choices are a failure because you've been put in this position by nature. It's nature that made the mistakes here.

What you should be thinking about is what you want for the rest of your life. Being childless if there's some part in the back of your mind that really wants kids is probably going to come back to haunt you. I mean, I say that as someone who doesn't have kids and probably shouldn't have kids with my finances, but even I can see the writing on the wall here when it comes to what I'll be thinking in the future. I gave myself all sorts of excuses, not the right partner, not the right time, not enough stability, not enough patience, and now not enough time. But who am I fooling, anyway. I know it's something I'll inevitably regret not doing down the line, and I'm going to have to live with that. So think about it. 

As for saying good bye or "burying" your old self... a lot of people seem to get something out of doing that in some abrupt, symbolic fashion but I was never able to take that activity too seriously for myself because there's a time-frame for the death of thoughts and ideas and moods for me, and it can be years. I could declare I was never going to think or do X or Y again and the next day it'd still be playing on my mind. It was only dead when it was finally dead, so I just had to wait it out and tell myself some day it'll be a closed book. But I do reckon the sort of thought you have - which you can control - are what continually build the sense of self and rewire the brain. As they say "you are what you think about". So maybe just figure out what you're happiest thinking of yourself as and keep doing it. The rest will take care of itself.