It's ... strange. I've had so many gender identity crises in my life. Every couple of years I think I'm a man, and I apply to the gender clinic, and I get fairly far, and then I think I'm a girl again and drop it. I'm really lost. I don't know if I'm really ftm or not. Either way I'm here. Hi.

Hi Robert!  Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
As a possibility, have you considered that you may be non binary or gender fluid?
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hi Robert. I'm a MTF in Bedfordshire (UK).

It's a real journey of discovery figuring out who and what we are. The only thing I'd suggest is doing what makes you feel happy.
You may be gender fluid,  find in time that you prefer one gender identity, or settle on a non-binary identity. Experiment and then reflect on the experience.
In the meantime you've found a nice group of friends [emoji4].

Megan. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Hello Robert:   In addition to Jessica's Welcome Message to you ...
.... please allow me to also say to you WELCOME TO SUSAN'S PLACE.   
You will find this site to be an accepting, friendly and a place that you can share your frustrations, your questions and your successes with others here that may have the same concerns that you have.

Please look carefully at the informational LINKS that Jessica posted at the bottom of her Welcome Message.  You will find out how to best navigate and to utilize Susan's Place to possibly help you with your questions.  Feel free to post replies, comments and questions in the different Topics and Posts that you discover in the Forums.   You just may make some new friends as you do so.

I am trusting that you will get involved as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing.
Again, Welcome !
Danielle

Hi, Jessica, Megan. and Danielle.

Jessica: I can't picture myself as anything but male or female. In my ftm phases I'm always stealth, and assuming an identity which can't be played straight as stealth would be far too dysphoric for me.

Megan: It really is an odd life. I've always felt awkward in the world. For now I think I'm ftm, but by next week I might've cancelled my gender clinic treatment again. I've been surprised by the fact they keep taking me back despite so many flip-flops.

Danielle: I've had a look at the rules so far, which I'm comfortable with, and I'll look into help guides and so on shortly. I've already found the ftm board, which seems nice. Does it allow passing threads?

Today's not been too great for me as I'm trying hard to lose weight but screwed today up because I felt so cold and tired that I needed warm food, and after I'd made one portion I was so hungry that I ate most of the rest. Other than that

Quote from: Robert. on March 27, 2018, 11:39:57 AM
Hi, Jessica, Megan. and Danielle.

Jessica: I can't picture myself as anything but male or female. In my ftm phases I'm always stealth, and assuming an identity which can't be played straight as stealth would be far too dysphoric for me.

Megan: It really is an odd life. I've always felt awkward in the world. For now I think I'm ftm, but by next week I might've cancelled my gender clinic treatment again. I've been surprised by the fact they keep taking me back despite so many flip-flops.

Danielle: I've had a look at the rules so far, which I'm comfortable with, and I'll look into help guides and so on shortly. I've already found the ftm board, which seems nice. Does it allow passing threads?

Today's not been too great for me as I'm trying hard to lose weight but screwed today up because I felt so cold and tired that I needed warm food, and after I'd made one portion I was so hungry that I ate most of the rest. Other than that

@ Robert: Thanks for your response.  Oh yeah, losing weight can be a difficult thing for all of us... MTF and FTM.  It takes willpower and determination but once you see the results you will agree that it was well worth the hard work.

To answer one of your questions:  The FTM Forum Boards are full of subjects that may interest you.
   
There is a Topic Thread already on there about the FTM Passing subject....   here is the LINK:
       https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234797.0.html

*** NOTE: You can always start a new Topic whenever you have a subject in mind that does not show up on the Forums.
Best Wishes to you as you contemplate your transition journey.
Danielle
.

Hi Robert 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Robert. Sorry I made this about me. But I can relate. Since around 1982 I have gone to therapists with the intent of discussing my dysphoria and lifetime wish to be a girl. By 1982 I was 31 years old.  Unfortunately in 1982 transgender was not even a word in common use. I hate the term cross dresser and if I never hear the word transvestite again it will be too soon. It took until 2016 to finally address the 800 lb gorilla in the room. I had a lot of health problems that further research explains were more than likely symptoms of DES poisoning.
I had it all as a guy. I had a beautiful, intelligent wife who just happened to love sex. Me, not so much. It ended up I started working nights and she considered that as ignoring her. I still continued to crossdress. I assume she found out. That was 40 years ago. My current wife of 35 years is not a sex fiend. In fact, when I was at my sickest she was willing to sacrifice sex for my life  I told her before we got together I was a crossdresser and she had not broached the subject since. It did not keep me from dressing up. When I was about to have a breakdown i promised to see a therapist. After three visits we got down to brass tacks and walked out with my letter to begin HRT.  The hormones have had the most effect on my outlook and quelling my depression. And I nice set of boobs. The difference I feel from 19 months ago is freedom I have never known before. In the last two years except at the beginning, I have not filled out a depression survey since. No need. What I need to work on now are long lost social skills where I don't say dumb things.

Dawn,

Don't feel like the Lone Stranger, I have stuck my foot in my mouth too many times, some times there's doggie doo on the shoe. Does leave a bad taste. As I have gotten older, uh, elderly, no, seasoned, I take long pauses before responding.

Take care, hope all your sailing is on calm water with the wind at your back.

Christine

Welcome aboard, I use to be like you, feeling that sometimes I was a boy and others a girl. Now for sure I know I am a woman, but it took me longer than I wish to come to terms with that. Anyhow its your own journey, you do not owe it to anyone to decide or stay in any gender, like others have said maybe you are gender fluid in the sense that you can be both depending on how you feel, I think thats ok too.