I've always known that something wasn't right. I had several early indicators that left me wondering about my gender.

My oldest memory, at age 4 or 5, is of my sister (that is 3½ years older than me) and I getting dressed to go to church with my grandmother. It was one of those rare occasions that she chose to wear a dress. I told her that I wanted to wear a dress too. Being the smarter, older sister, she told me "But you're a boy, and boys don't wear dresses." I just remember it making me very sad.

A little background first... My mother had told the story that she had several miscarriages between my two older sisters and a few more after my middle sister. My father wanted a son to carry on the family name, so she kept trying. When my mom got pregnant with me, she told him that was the last time. She couldn't go through it again.

At age 9, I was beginning to feel like something was wrong with me. That's when I discovered my scrotal raphe. That's the scar looking line that occurs because all fetuses begin developing as female for the first 12 weeks. But I didn't know that at the time. I only knew that scars were caused by cuts and surgery. All I could think was that I had been born a girl and my father wanted a son so bad that they did some kind of surgery to make me a boy. That was the only explanation my 9 year old brain could come up with.

I started crossdressing shortly after that. I just thought I was weird. Then, thanks to tabloid TV (Maury Povich, Montel Williams, Sally Jesse Raphael and the like) I learned about transsexuals. That was me!

Then in the 90s, along came the internet. I read everything about transsexuals that I could find. After reading about Harry Benjamin and the "requirements" to be considered for treatment (that you needed to be attracted to men) I began experimenting sexually. I wanted that surgery!

I wound up just settling for being a "crossdressing weirdo" for another 10+ years. I started reading more online and discovered the premise that doctors and psychologists now recognized that gender and sexuality are independent of each other. Maybe I can transition?

Well this post turned out longer than I expected. My apologies for that. Hopefully some of this resonates with any of you reading this. I guess this should have been my introduction that I never wrote.

Quote from: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 08:43:02 PM
I've always known that something wasn't right. I had several early indicators that left me wondering about my gender.

My oldest memory, at age 4 or 5, is of my sister (that is 3½ years older than me) and I getting dressed to go to church with my grandmother. It was one of those rare occasions that she chose to wear a dress. I told her that I wanted to wear a dress too. Being the smarter, older sister, she told me "But you're a boy, and boys don't wear dresses." I just remember it making me very sad.

A little background first... My mother had told the story that she had several miscarriages between my two older sisters and a few more after my middle sister. My father wanted a son to carry on the family name, so she kept trying. When my mom got pregnant with me, she told him that was the last time. She couldn't go through it again.

At age 9, I was beginning to feel like something was wrong with me. That's when I discovered my scrotal raphe. That's the scar looking line that occurs because all fetuses begin developing as female for the first 12 weeks. But I didn't know that at the time. I only knew that scars were caused by cuts and surgery. All I could think was that I had been born a girl and my father wanted a son so bad that they did some kind of surgery to make me a boy. That was the only explanation my 9 year old brain could come up with.

I started crossdressing shortly after that. I just thought I was weird. Then, thanks to tabloid TV (Maury Povich, Montel Williams, Sally Jesse Raphael and the like) I learned about transsexuals. That was me!

Then in the 90s, along came the internet. I read everything about transsexuals that I could find. After reading about Harry Benjamin and the "requirements" to be considered for treatment (that you needed to be attracted to men) I began experimenting sexually. I wanted that surgery!

I wound up just settling for being a "crossdressing weirdo" for another 10+ years. I started reading more online and discovered the premise that doctors and psychologists now recognized that gender and sexuality are independent of each other. Maybe I can transition?

Well this post turned out longer than I expected. My apologies for that. Hopefully some of this resonates with any of you reading this. I guess this should have been my introduction that I never wrote.

OMG, I didn't know liking men had been a requirement back then! That's awful!  So you could be a trans woman but you had to be a " straight" trans woman. God, even the professionals who were supposed to help trans people were still ignorant! That's messed up!

Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 06:55:55 PM
I think for a lot of trans kids their parents are intolerant when they show behavior of the gender opposite of the gender they were assigned at birth. They are told they are doing something wrong and what they are doing is "bad". And sadly some kids are beaten for it. When stuff like that happens I can understand why some people try so hard to suppress their trans feelings. Thankfully my dad was very tolerant with my feminine behavior and didn't try to force male behavior on me. Because of that I never had a strong motivation to try and act like a boy or to try to repress my female feelings.

I think you're right sadly. It's not what I want for my boy, and honestly, I'd be shattered if he had to deal with this. I'd be devastated for him, and shattered for myself.

I'm from a very liberal family in a famously liberal city, so if I feel like that, who knows what it must be like in other places.

No problem on a long post.  I am enjoying hearing these stories, and getting to know you.  I think it's also good reading for anyone still trying to figure themselves out.

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Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 08:56:37 PM
OMG, I didn't know liking men had been a requirement back then! That's awful!  So you could be a trans woman but you had to be a " straight" trans woman. God, even the professionals who were supposed to help trans people were still ignorant! That's messed up!

2nd that!
Wouldn't have helped me much!

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Quote from: alex82 on March 27, 2018, 09:05:02 PM
I think you're right sadly. It's not what I want for my boy, and honestly, I'd be shattered if he had to deal with this. I'd be devastated for him, and shattered for myself.

I'm from a very liberal family in a famously liberal city, so if I feel like that, who knows what it must be like in other places.

My dad wasn't happy about it and Im sure it made him sad. But thankfully for me he also realized it wasn't something that anything could change and that it couldn't be forced out of me.

Quote from: Andi H on March 27, 2018, 09:14:28 PM
2nd that!
Wouldn't have helped me much!

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That's just so absurd! I don't know what they were thinking back then.

I always knew that I was attracted to men and that I wanted to be desired like women are. For many years I thought that meant I was a gay man. But then I had this weird feeling because when I saw a gay couple I did not feel reflected on them, because my ideal was not about 'two men together', but I still didn't realize I was trans. When I became sexually active at 22 it didn't take long before I started crossdressing, and then it all started to sink in. I grew my hair, started dressing more androgynously and pushing the limits of my gender. I wish I had known sooner, but anyway I know I want to be female (and not a 'gay man') and I'm not going back.

Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 09:24:18 PM
That's just so absurd! I don't know what they were thinking back then.

Changing by the day.. hopefully for the better.  Weather or not politically I'm not always so sure, but I root for science and education!

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Quote from: Camouflage on March 27, 2018, 09:32:57 PM
I always knew that I was attracted to men and that I wanted to be desired like women are. For many years I thought that meant I was a gay man. But then I had this weird feeling because when I saw a gay couple I did not feel reflected on them, because my ideal was not about 'two men together', but I still didn't realize I was trans. When I became sexually active at 22 it didn't take long before I started crossdressing, and then it all started to sink in. I grew my hair, started dressing more androgynously and pushing the limits of my gender. I wish I had known sooner, but anyway I know I want to be female (and not a 'gay man') and I'm not going back.

Before I came out as trans everyone assumed I was gay and I hated that. I did mess around with gay and bi guys before I transitioned but only because those were the only guys available to me at that time. But I never considered myself gay.

Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 08:56:37 PM
OMG, I didn't know liking men had been a requirement back then! That's awful!  So you could be a trans woman but you had to be a " straight" trans woman. God, even the professionals who were supposed to help trans people were still ignorant! That's messed up!

COGIATI. The acronym for the test that classified you based on gender stereotypes. A lot of it is centered on sexuality. Some of it does have some merit. About your empathy and emotional state of mind and such.

Quote from: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 09:59:51 PM
COGIATI. The acronym for the test that classified you based on gender stereotypes. A lot of it is centered on sexuality. Some of it does have some merit. About your empathy and emotional state of mind and such.

So what if you didn't like men? They wouldn't give you treatment?

Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 10:10:25 PM
So what if you didn't like men? They wouldn't give you treatment?

From what I read back then, as best I understood, it was virtually impossible. I've read since then that many trans women purposely lied on the test in order to get treatment. But some still were denied.

Quote from: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 10:38:46 PM
From what I read back then, as best I understood, it was virtually impossible. I've read since then that many trans women purposely lied on the test in order to get treatment. But some still were denied.

That's just so wrong!

Quote from: Julia1996 on March 27, 2018, 10:52:04 PM
That's just so wrong!

This was the origin of the term "gatekeepers".

Quote from: Jennifer W on March 27, 2018, 09:20:43 AM
I always knew as far back as 5 or 6. I always felt out touch with everyone. I've been lost for a very long time and just recently became aware of all the feelings I've had in the past were GD. I remember sitting outside on the curb outside my house reading Christine Jorgensen's book and identified with her immediately. I wonder if all my learning disabilities had something to do with my GD. I am accepting myself more and more for who I am at 64.

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Quote from: StacyRenee on March 27, 2018, 10:38:46 PM
From what I read back then, as best I understood, it was virtually impossible. I've read since then that many trans women purposely lied on the test in order to get treatment. But some still were denied.

I knew I wished to be a girl at age 4 and I remember telling my grandmother. I thought something had gone wrong at birth and it would be corrected. By age 10 I knew it would not be corrected automatically. I found out about sex changes (the term used then) due to the case of Jan Morris. I discovered there was a difference between ->-bleeped-<-s and transsexuals and knew I was one of the latter but settled for bodyshaving and crossdressing all my life till last year aged 62 when the transgender situation became so prominent, that I could no longer suppress but had to seek therapy. As you see I have been on hormones 7 weeks. I expect to transition publicly when I see some physical changes.

Yes my understanding is that until 20 years ago it was here in the UK just as StacyRenee states. Surgery was only permitted if you were transsexual straight and indeed British transsexuals lied to lied to psychiatrist to "get authorization." Incredible it took so long to separate sexual orientation from gender identity.

Pamela

I ask myself this question a lot these days. How could I basically be clueless for that long? I wasn't really clueless, it was just survival.

Over a certain age, there was no information, no access to it, and no way to even know what to look up if I even had had access to it. By the time it really showed up in things like media, we could see it was portrayed so darkly or negatively and we were old enough to realize that we better keep it to ourselves. A dark secret. I think most of us in those age groups kept hoping we'd be cured by love or time, or age, or maybe just that no one would find out, lol. It never occurred to me that you could live like this. Later, its like, oh young people have it so good, but I'm not young.

And all of that happens in your head on a sort of subconscious/conscious level. Then its put back again where no one can see it. I really believe its just like drug addiction denial or eating disorders. You can convince yourself of anything. Do something outright, convince yourself you don't have a problem, and then act and believe it never happened.

I was 10/11 when I started cross-dressing and realized that I was sexually fluid the first time. I was always fascinated by everything girl though. I messed around with other gay and bi boys in my neighborhood, but I realized pretty quick no one else wanted to BE a girl and then a boy I messed around with freaked out afterwords and told everyone.

It was pretty horrible in this state to be any kind of queer so I started obscuring who I was, total damage control.

I still crossdressed, had urges, envied girls... I remember shaving my legs all the time, thinking about how girls had it all and I'd give anything to be one. Thinking if I wished hard enough.... if I really believed, whatever controlled this universe... god or whatever would grant me the kindness of turning me into a girl and changing everyone's memory of me. For a long while, I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough to believe, lol.

Then reality sets in and you realize your stuck and I thought I was crazy, quite honestly. So I went about obscuring everything to the max. I got called the F-word (the gay slur) all the time. Every time they critiqued something, I changed it to adjust my flamboyance from noticeable to camouflaged.



Then it was just slowly putting everything in a box and sealing it. Egg state. Total closet. It was total denial. I mean I asked several girls I went out this much later with and it doesn't look like much each piece and part but together makes a rather convincing picture of closeted living. Especially with all the stuff they didn't know, those are convincing on their own.

Then you're just basically running down a clock on how long you can take living closeted before it starts taking too much of a toll.

Quote from: Izzy Grace on March 28, 2018, 11:47:06 AM
I ask myself this question a lot these days. How could I basically be clueless for that long? I wasn't really clueless, it was just survival.

Over a certain age, there was no information, no access to it, and no way to even know what to look up if I even had had access to it. By the time it really showed up in things like media, we could see it was portrayed so darkly or negatively and we were old enough to realize that we better keep it to ourselves. A dark secret. I think most of us in those age groups kept hoping we'd be cured by love or time, or age, or maybe just that no one would find out, lol. It never occurred to me that you could live like this. Later, its like, oh young people have it so good, but I'm not young.

And all of that happens in your head on a sort of subconscious/conscious level. Then its put back again where no one can see it. I really believe its just like drug addiction denial or eating disorders. You can convince yourself of anything. Do something outright, convince yourself you don't have a problem, and then act and believe it never happened.

I was 10/11 when I started cross-dressing and realized that I was sexually fluid the first time. I was always fascinated by everything girl though. I messed around with other gay and bi boys in my neighborhood, but I realized pretty quick no one else wanted to BE a girl and then a boy I messed around with freaked out afterwords and told everyone.

It was pretty horrible in this state to be any kind of queer so I started obscuring who I was, total damage control.

I still crossdressed, had urges, envied girls... I remember shaving my legs all the time, thinking about how girls had it all and I'd give anything to be one. Thinking if I wished hard enough.... if I really believed, whatever controlled this universe... god or whatever would grant me the kindness of turning me into a girl and changing everyone's memory of me. For a long while, I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough to believe, lol.

Then reality sets in and you realize your stuck and I thought I was crazy, quite honestly. So I went about obscuring everything to the max. I got called the F-word (the gay slur) all the time. Every time they critiqued something, I changed it to adjust my flamboyance from noticeable to camouflaged.



Then it was just slowly putting everything in a box and sealing it. Egg state. Total closet. It was total denial. I mean I asked several girls I went out this much later with and it doesn't look like much each piece and part but together makes a rather convincing picture of closeted living. Especially with all the stuff they didn't know, those are convincing on their own.

Then you're just basically running down a clock on how long you can take living closeted before it starts taking too much of a toll.

Its really amazing to me how many of us have shared the same experiences. Thank you Izzy..Hugs

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 Most of my interests and play were feminine in my earliest years, I never gave it a second thought that I was anything other than female. My friends were female, I even started my own knitting club.
Around eight years old I started experimenting with makeup but by this time I was more aware that things weren't the way they should be.
When puberty struck I really couldn't cope and started exhibiting the first signs of depression and anxiety.

Long story short I came out just over a year ago, found Susan's and went full time pre everything. I live in the U.K. so access to gender clinics takes a few years.

I'm Sadie, my family calls me Sadie. I'm beginning to adjust and find my place in society again. Most if not all of the shame has gone I have good and bad days like everyone has good and bad days, but overall I'm much happier

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

A lot of our stories are similar. I knew I should have been or felt like I was supposed to be a girl at around 4. What I knew then was there was a difference kids were put into and I seemed to be in the wrong one. I did say something to my mom once but understood such things were not to be spoken of. There were times I remember wishing I was a girl in those early years. As I got older I never fit in with the boys but in first grade I learned how to copy the boys to avoid humiliation and getting beat up. There were zero understanding kids back then. As I got older I could never shake the feeling of being just wrong no matter how hard I tried to fit in. I struggled with my emotions all the time. I used to tell myself that all boys must have just as hard a time to hold their feelings in check. Then why boy stuff seemed so natural for them all but was so hard for me. I concentrated every minute on how to move, how to speak, always watching others visible cues to see if I acted wrong. Always in a state of heightened anxiety.

When puberty came close I felt the urge to remove my own testes. I never tried but I planned it out more than once. I did dress some in private. Thing is all the media portrayed trans people as something to make fun of. I heard more than a few comments about gay people and "->-bleeped-<-s" from my dad growing up. None of his kids were ever manly enough for him but we mainly just avoided him anyway. I remember many times in my teens and some in my twenties that I wanted desparately to be able to tell my mom who I really was inside.

It wasn't until much later in life that I saw information about sex change and pictures of some whose transition left me feeling worse about myself. I thought I was too old and had lived too long with testosterone to ever be able to live a real life. So I remained as I was. I even told myself I just wasn't meant to be happy in this life.


Today I am over a year on HRT. Despite the anxiety of living openly as myself, I am the closest to happy and definitely feeling better than I ever have in most of my life. Being forced to pretend to be a man for so long wore down my very soul and my will to live. Now I want life even though it can be hard. My emotions free flow with my thoughts. It is literally less work just being alive than before.