Quote from: Izzy Grace on March 27, 2018, 05:41:17 PM
Look at all this progress! Your coming into focus girl!

My life finally calmed down a bit so I hope I'm back for a bit, or until chaos hits again, anyway.

Izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy <3! Glad things are calm even for just a bit, the back and forth has definitely become par for the course for me even if over different things.

And I really do feel like I am making progress, and it is a great feeling. That sense of standing still is just plain horrible. So much depression and anxiety wrapped up in it. >_<  Oh yeah, also I'm doing the anime consternation face now. Trying to bring it back.

Do you find the progress gives you more confidance and means you can take another step easyer? It feels like your progression is speeding up and your more happy )

Quote from: Roll on March 27, 2018, 08:58:36 PM
And I really do feel like I am making progress, and it is a great feeling. That sense of standing still is just plain horrible. So much depression and anxiety wrapped up in it. >_<  Oh yeah, also I'm doing the anime consternation face now. Trying to bring it back.

Heeey! Thanks babe!

Do you feel like you're standing still even as you progress? That whole.... too close to it so you don't notice it as much, thing? To me, it looks like you've come so far and progressively quicker. In fact, seeing you and considering my own progress, I am struck by how much has transpired and is changing and by how much I was oblivious feeling like it was moving at a complete snail's pace.

Quote from: Shambles on March 28, 2018, 02:25:47 AM
Do you find the progress gives you more confidance and means you can take another step easyer? It feels like your progression is speeding up and your more happy )

Absolutely, the momentum definitely builds. I mean there is still a lot of very basic things I haven't had the courage to do but now things are becoming more about logistics (and laziness ) than fear.

Quote from: Izzy Grace on March 28, 2018, 03:07:15 AM
Heeey! Thanks babe!

Do you feel like you're standing still even as you progress? That whole.... too close to it so you don't notice it as much, thing? To me, it looks like you've come so far and progressively quicker. In fact, seeing you and considering my own progress, I am struck by how much has transpired and is changing and by how much I was oblivious feeling like it was moving at a complete snail's pace.

I think that was definitely the case for first two months of HRT, but in the last month being able to clearly see and feel changes that are 100% definitively happening and I no longer feel like I'm standing still. Am I always moving as fat as I'd like? Definitely not, but still... being able to see face changes just in 3 months from starting to now, being able to feel breast growth without the slightest bit of ambiguity (when I first noticed breast buds it was like... "am I imagining this?", now there is no way to get around there are gigantic bigger than walnut lumps that itch like crazy and really hurt to touch ), and just generally feeling happier... Hard for me even at my most negative to think of it as standing still.

I think if I had a full head of hair and the beard off already, things would be radically further along socially as well, because I'm definitely getting to the point I no longer care what people think even just in the past week. When Laurie was down in my area for her road trip, she messaged me asking if I'd like to meet basically, and I totally chickened out. But thinking about that, thinking about the things fear has me missing out on... I dunno, a switch just went off.

Just wish I could say school stuff wasn't dragging me down and everything was golden.

Quote from: Roll on March 28, 2018, 10:05:08 AM
...being able to feel breast growth without the slightest bit of ambiguity (when I first noticed breast buds it was like... "am I imagining this?", now there is no way to get around there are gigantic bigger than walnut lumps that itch like crazy and really hurt to touch )

Wait... their gonna itch too?! Mine hurt below the nipple, do yours just hurt all over? How long in when those changes started? Sorry! I think I'm always gonna be lookin' at you thinking about what I'm right around the corner from now!

Quote from: Roll on March 28, 2018, 10:05:08 AM
I think if I had a full head of hair and the beard off already, things would be radically further along socially as well, because I'm definitely getting to the point I no longer care what people think even just in the past week.

I feel this same way. I'd give anything for hair changes I can be sure are real and not ambiguous and to be rid of this facial hair.

Quote from: Roll on March 28, 2018, 10:05:08 AMWhen Laurie was down in my area for her road trip, she messaged me asking if I'd like to meet basically, and I totally chickened out.

Can I ask why? You don't have to answer, but hearing others feelings on this kind of stuff is sometimes helpful and sometimes empowering if it's not too intrusive into your thinking.

Quote from: Roll on March 28, 2018, 10:05:08 AM
Just wish I could say school stuff wasn't dragging me down and everything was golden.

True! You always have a pretty good outlook and philosophy and I admire your ability to stay the course! I know you gonna be okay even if you stumble or fall. You've got that impressive Ellie-ness! <3

Quote from: Izzy Grace on March 28, 2018, 11:57:07 AM
Wait... their gonna itch too?! Mine hurt below the nipple, do yours just hurt all over? How long in when those changes started? Sorry! I think I'm always gonna be lookin' at you thinking about what I'm right around the corner from now!

Itching for me hasn't been horrible, but definitely there. Some people say its really bad for them though.

Quote
Can I ask why? You don't have to answer, but hearing others feelings on this kind of stuff is sometimes helpful and sometimes empowering if it's not too intrusive into your thinking.

Well, I still haven't publicly presented female beyond therapy/doctors appointments, and so going out in public dressed just scared me. Of course she wouldn't have mind if I presented male, but... I dunno, I feel like there's the me in the profile picture and other stuff I've posted here, and I hate the idea of spoiling that image meeting someone who only really knows me in that light, no matter who the person is or how well they'd understand. Wearing an Atlanta Braves hat at all times to cover up lack of hair, nothing covering the heavy beard shadow, etc... I just truly hate it. Goes back to the hair and beard issue in that if I had more and less respectively, I'd be at a lot different of a place socially I think.

Quote
True! You always have a pretty good outlook and philosophy and I admire your ability to stay the course! I know you gonna be okay even if you stumble or fall. You've got that impressive Ellie-ness! <3

ELLIOT NESS, ONE OF THE UNTOUCHABLES?!

Quote from: Roll on March 28, 2018, 12:18:36 PM
Itching for me hasn't been horrible, but definitely there. Some people say its really bad for them though.

Well, I still haven't publicly presented female beyond therapy/doctors appointments, and so going out in public dressed just scared me. Of course she wouldn't have mind if I presented male, but... I dunno, I feel like there's the me in the profile picture and other stuff I've posted here, and I hate the idea of spoiling that image meeting someone who only really knows me in that light, no matter who the person is or how well they'd understand. Wearing an Atlanta Braves hat at all times to cover up lack of hair, nothing covering the heavy beard shadow, etc... I just truly hate it. Goes back to the hair and beard issue in that if I had more and less respectively, I'd be at a lot different of a place socially I think.

ELLIOT NESS, ONE OF THE UNTOUCHABLES?!

Depends if it was the original, Robert Stack, or Kevin Costner.

Quote from: Roll on March 28, 2018, 12:18:36 PM
Itching for me hasn't been horrible, but definitely there. Some people say its really bad for them though.

Well, I still haven't publicly presented female beyond therapy/doctors appointments, and so going out in public dressed just scared me. Of course she wouldn't have mind if I presented male, but... I dunno, I feel like there's the me in the profile picture and other stuff I've posted here, and I hate the idea of spoiling that image meeting someone who only really knows me in that light, no matter who the person is or how well they'd understand. Wearing an Atlanta Braves hat at all times to cover up lack of hair, nothing covering the heavy beard shadow, etc... I just truly hate it. Goes back to the hair and beard issue in that if I had more and less respectively, I'd be at a lot different of a place socially I think.

Yes they do sometimes itch and it's quite annoying.

I don't think it's too uncommon to feel like there are two different versions of you at this stage.  Luckily one of those versions is diminishing as you grow braver and more comfortable presenting as the real you.  Nobody from here will think any less of you as you are.  For all of us this is a journey and that journey requires a beginning, no matter how uncomfortable that beginning is for us.  It won't tarnish this other image of you that you believe we have.  We love the person you are regardless of how you look currently.  We all know the awesomely sweet girl inside.

Keep making strides.  Love the progress you are making.

I know how you feel Roll. It's like I'm a fraud  showing one thing when I'm looking the opposite most of the time.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Quote from: amberwaves on March 28, 2018, 06:54:39 PM

Yes they do sometimes itch and it's quite annoying.

I don't think it's too uncommon to feel like there are two different versions of you at this stage.  Luckily one of those versions is diminishing as you grow braver and more comfortable presenting as the real you.  Nobody from here will think any less of you as you are.  For all of us this is a journey and that journey requires a beginning, no matter how uncomfortable that beginning is for us.  It won't tarnish this other image of you that you believe we have.  We love the person you are regardless of how you look currently.  We all know the awesomely sweet girl inside.

Keep making strides.  Love the progress you are making.

Gosh Amber, you're pretty darn sharp!!!!!

Yes, the breast growth is undeniable.  I do see older males with breast growth though so the sooner we are comfortable wearing bras the better.  Those will shift out breasts more toward center, more feminine.

I wouldn't worry too much about your hair at your age.  The drugs do wonders, plus you've got plenty of hair in back for transplants should you need them.  I learned that yesterday and I'm more than ten years older!

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on March 29, 2018, 05:09:36 AM
Yes, the breast growth is undeniable.  I do see older males with breast growth though so the sooner we are comfortable wearing bras the better.  Those will shift out breasts more toward center, more feminine.

I wouldn't worry too much about your hair at your age.  The drugs do wonders, plus you've got plenty of hair in back for transplants should you need them.  I learned that yesterday and I'm more than ten years older!

Bari Jo

Your advice is solid. Definitely worth taking note of for myself. I really like your photo!! I think your smile and eyes are so cute!! You will definitely look even better than the faceapp pic you had up before. [emoji4]

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Quote from: Allison S on March 29, 2018, 04:39:50 PM

Your advice is solid. Definitely worth taking note of for myself. I really like your photo!! I think your smile and eyes are so cute!! You will definitely look even better than the faceapp pic you had up before. [emoji4]

Hah, I hope so.  Yesterday I went shopping and was asked if I wanted boys or girls clothes.  I definitely looked like a very femme man especially after walking out of the dressing room in my chosen outfit.  As I was paying I was hit on by a man.  Keep in mind, I'm walking around with a head full of hair implant bruising right now.  It was this that was a way in to start a conversation for him.

Back to Ellie though,  I believe things will go well.  Hrt is just started, and you already look awesome.  Let it ride for six months of great numbers before making any hair decisions.  And Yes, if you need to do it, bite the bullet and do it.  Ill be paying off mine like a car, but I am worth it, so are you.  I look at it as an investment in being ourselves.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Roll on March 28, 2018, 12:18:36 PM
Well, I still haven't publicly presented female beyond therapy/doctors appointments, and so going out in public dressed just scared me. Of course she wouldn't have mind if I presented male, but... I dunno, I feel like there's the me in the profile picture and other stuff I've posted here, and I hate the idea of spoiling that image meeting someone who only really knows me in that light, no matter who the person is or how well they'd understand. Wearing an Atlanta Braves hat at all times to cover up lack of hair, nothing covering the heavy beard shadow, etc... I just truly hate it. Goes back to the hair and beard issue in that if I had more and less respectively, I'd be at a lot different of a place socially I think.

I was like, chickened out?! - NOOOO!!!! at first. But I totally get that 100%!!! I would think that too. Like... now that I have a working binder I'm a new person. I don't think I'd be able to attend that LGBT group even without one.

Quote from: Allison S on March 29, 2018, 04:39:50 PM
I really like your photo!! I think your smile and eyes are so cute!! You will definitely look even better than the faceapp pic you had up before. [emoji4]

Agree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like this pic more than the faceapp one and I already think you look better. Love your smile & eyes too, Bari!

And it's great to hear you are doing so well in the society  ! Keep it up, 
And soon the shame shall be gone!!! You'll forget what it used to feel like in the past. It will become a distant dream you can't really connect with while you are awake.
(Was that movie-ish enough for you  )

Lot of mixed emotions today. Primarily around selling more comics. I took two boxes over, one mostly cheaper stuff and one that had quite a few very nice titles in it including the first appearances of Deadpool, Cable, and Domino among other things. The Deadpool one (New Mutants $98) in particular is worth quite a bit. So I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to get, their base is $1 per comic for generic back issues. Selling en masse, that's not bad at all because of the issues dealing with comic book selling on your own. Just around 400 were those sort of comics. In addition, I had a few that were worth much more like the aforementioned one. They wound up offering me 550 total, so 150 over the basic ones. That is way, way less than they are worth, but... comics are just so, so hard to deal with. I took the offer, but I really regret and don't regret it at the same time. On one hand, it's really great to be clearing stuff out, and I really need the money for hair transplants and laser. I'm also always terrified I'll lose them entirely if a hurricane comes through, which is a super real possibility. But at the same time, I hate the fact I could have 100% made more with time and effort, like substantially more. But I just don't have that time... But above all, I'm just sad I have to let them go. My collection, of games, comics, anime, and countless other things has been my big thing for most of my life. If nothing else I was the person with the cool stuff to look at. I genuinely loved them as much as I hated having to deal with them. And I... just feel regret. A regret that I know I'm going to be feeling time and time again over the coming weeks. I'm still that OCD collector-horder that just on a fundamental level loves having this dumb stuff.

But then that's what this all comes down to, doesni't it? Letting go of the past to move forward into the future, and doing what you have to along the way to survive. Still, it was nice holding the cash I've built up over the past few months in my hand, I feel like I may be able to actually gather enough to do this.

Also, I almost got ears pierced again, I actually stopped and talked to both the Piercing Pagoda place and Claire's, not just starred in longingly. Unfortunately, for reasons I don't understand, they don't have any invisible stud type earrings, and I want to start with something not really visible to get used to wearing them. I'm going to order some from Amazon and go with them in hand next time, ask them to use those and just buy the cheapest earrings to go with it.

Quote from: Roll on March 30, 2018, 05:02:31 PM
Lot of mixed emotions today. Primarily around selling more comics. I took two boxes over, one mostly cheaper stuff and one that had quite a few very nice titles in it including the first appearances of Deadpool, Cable, and Domino among other things. The Deadpool one (New Mutants $98) in particular is worth quite a bit. So I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to get, their base is $1 per comic for generic back issues. Selling en masse, that's not bad at all because of the issues dealing with comic book selling on your own. Just around 400 were those sort of comics. In addition, I had a few that were worth much more like the aforementioned one. They wound up offering me 550 total, so 150 over the basic ones. That is way, way less than they are worth, but... comics are just so, so hard to deal with. I took the offer, but I really regret and don't regret it at the same time. On one hand, it's really great to be clearing stuff out, and I really need the money for hair transplants and laser. I'm also always terrified I'll lose them entirely if a hurricane comes through, which is a super real possibility. But at the same time, I hate the fact I could have 100% made more with time and effort, like substantially more. But I just don't have that time... But above all, I'm just sad I have to let them go. My collection, of games, comics, anime, and countless other things has been my big thing for most of my life. If nothing else I was the person with the cool stuff to look at. I genuinely loved them as much as I hated having to deal with them. And I... just feel regret. A regret that I know I'm going to be feeling time and time again over the coming weeks. I'm still that OCD collector-horder that just on a fundamental level loves having this dumb stuff.

But then that's what this all comes down to, doesni't it? Letting go of the past to move forward into the future, and doing what you have to along the way to survive. Still, it was nice holding the cash I've built up over the past few months in my hand, I feel like I may be able to actually gather enough to do this.

Also, I almost got ears pierced again, I actually stopped and talked to both the Piercing Pagoda place and Claire's, not just starred in longingly. Unfortunately, for reasons I don't understand, they don't have any invisible stud type earrings, and I want to start with something not really visible to get used to wearing them. I'm going to order some from Amazon and go with them in hand next time, ask them to use those and just buy the cheapest earrings to go with it.

aw, I know just how you feel. Over the years I've collected a lot of stuff to fill the void in my life, the biggest thing being my record collection, but I also had a decent project recording studio setup too, and I've had to greatly downsize both to fund my apartment, which I need to be able to transition. I do feel bad about getting rid of a few things, but honestly it does feel really good to declutter. One thing I'm actually bummed about is getting rid of a lot of old shirts. It can be hard but don't worry, it will get better, keep moving forward!

I know that regret well. I've sold so much anime stuff that I really wish I had kept, especially for selling them cheaper than I would have liked. But they're just things. Paying for the things that make you happier as your true self is much more important.

Just a heads up on the earring plan, if you haven't had any piercings at all, they'll want to steer you away from stainless steel studs, since some people do have allergic reactions to it.

I had the same experience in pinball Ellie.  I sold it to pay for a video game addiction.  I still have the video game I sold the pinball machine for.  Yes, I'm a horder too.

Still though don't fret, these are only things.  Becoming you is so much more.

Oh, I wouldn't go for the clear studs in the beginning.  The studs are really wide compared to the starter metal ones.  Let your ears heal with the metal ones, then transfer up to clear it you need them.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Sarah_P on March 30, 2018, 11:27:11 PM

Just a heads up on the earring plan, if you haven't had any piercings at all, they'll want to steer you away from stainless steel studs, since some people do have allergic reactions to it.

what's the best material to start with? One reason I've held off so long is because I have a bad allergy to nickel, and I know it's in a lot of cheap jewelry