Sadie,

Your observation that you feel better and are tempted by the lie that you are not really trans resonates with me.  I have a sense of feeling comfortable now.  No angst over being who I am.  Although I have a ways to go yet in my transition and want to get it done, I am not obsessing over everyday life.  My wife, who is sticking by me, recently commented that she don't see where I have changed.  It gave me cause to think.  Yes, she was right, I thought, but now I do not feel horrible.  I am comfortable.  I remember when the days were filled with darkness and despair.  This is so much better.

Embrace it.

Stevi

Quote from: davina61 on March 24, 2018, 03:07:11 PM
Its good to ramble (helps me) as like me you have no one to unload on as such. As to the feeling the same as when younger, yes but didn't know what it was then. You will get there one day, hopefully sooner than later.

Thanks Davina

Being isolated is a blessing and a curse sometimes. Blessing because there is nobody there to influence my decisions, a curse because we are human and need human interaction. A two edged sword really.

I'm on my way Davina I've socially transitioned for the most part, just stuck in limbo land waiting for the GC. Again a two edged sword. Glad because everything I've done has been my own decision, from coming out to going full time. I'm learning to manage fear, I'm also learning humility and empathy for others. The flip side I know little about as I haven't had the clinical support yet. I know where I'd like to be and I hope it goes well. It's the not knowing that can cause me to muse sometimes.

Have a great week Davina,

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Quote from: Stevi on March 24, 2018, 04:37:15 PM
Sadie,

Your observation that you feel better and are tempted by the lie that you are not really trans resonates with me.  I have a sense of feeling comfortable now.  No angst over being who I am.  Although I have a ways to go yet in my transition and want to get it done, I am not obsessing over everyday life.  My wife, who is sticking by me, recently commented that she don't see where I have changed.  It gave me cause to think.  Yes, she was right, I thought, but now I do not feel horrible.  I am comfortable.  I remember when the days were filled with darkness and despair.  This is so much better.

Embrace it.

Stevi

Hi Stevi,

I know I'm trans it's just that when I start to feel better it can be easy to forget the bad place I have come from. So thoughts like 'am I trans enough' pop up to challenge me when I start to feel more comfy with myself.
From what I've read it's all just part of the process of questioning and affirmation. It's also taking some getting used to feeling normal and dare I say it happy for the first time in my life, so embrace it I shall

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Sadie,

  You just keep doing what you are doing. It is working for you and it will help you get by that awful NHS wait. But I know you can do it girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

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Quote from: Laurie on March 26, 2018, 02:52:44 AM
Sadie,

  You just keep doing what you are doing. It is working for you and it will help you get by that awful NHS wait. But I know you can do it girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

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Morning Laurie 

Yes, I can do it, because I am doing it. Getting down with it is where I'm at. Not the Stephen King 'It' but the it that whispers 'you've got this', 'everything's going to be o.k.' I'll get there Laurie, I'm feeling good today, back to my usual discombobulated, whimsical self

Have a lovely day and safe travels.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Quote from: Shy on March 24, 2018, 12:49:59 PM
Time for weekly update

It's been a very thoughtful week for me as it goes. For some reason I've spent a lot of time with childhood memories, piecing together the whys and wherefores. I still had the same feelings all them years ago as I do now, I was trans then and I'm trans now. Sounds silly when put so simply, but here I am typing away searching for that epiphany, that elusive missing piece that will make sense of everything.

Strange thing is that I'm starting to feel better about myself and I'm not really sure what to do about it. The lie is...'oh, I'm feeling better maybe I'm not so trans after all', the reality is 'I'm feeling better because I've embraced who I am and declared it to the world!!!'. I guess I'm scared of screwing things up and loosing myself again, I can be my own worst enemy sometimes. So I'm musing and massaging the grey matter, waiting for that elusive synapse to fire that lights up the path and sends me happily on my way.

Sorry for the ramble of a post, but it's where my headspace is as of now. It's just me working through stuff, writing down my thoughts always helps. I'm doing well

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Sadie:  It was certainly nice to read your update.   I can identify with what you stated about your childhood memories.  I quit searching for things that could make it make sense and just accept who I was and who I am.

It is good that through all the thinking process and scratching your head that you are feeling better about yourself.  A positive attitude is not only good for your outlook on life but it is good and healthful for your body and mind.  People, friends, family and others that come across your path will be much more receptive to a positive person with a positive outlook.

I too, will write rambly posts and ramble on in my personal journal, it is a good way to sort out one's thoughts.

I enjoy reading your updates, please keep them coming.
Hugs,
Danielle

I'm not sure how to express this, or if it will make any sense but there is something within me that is maybe self deprecating or just empathic that I don't fully understand.
I had a meeting yesterday with a lovely lady autistic group and I found myself apologising for complicating things by being a transgender woman.
We discussed about me joining the women's group but could both rationalise that it could cause unforeseen problems with other potentialy vulnerable members. I wasn't refused but I also wasn't prepared to disrupt a potential stable environment.
I felt sad, but assured that it can never be all about me, I was thinking of others. I just found it difficult to understand my place, it felt like just another degree of separation. Self-imposed, admittedly, hence the confusion.
We ended up with a compromise where I would be partnered up with another women of my age who also has
Aspergers so we can learn from each other. So it's all good but I do feel like a bit of a social experiment sometimes.

So my journey continues, never as I planned, but with every turn I learn a little bit more about myself and my place in the world. They are good people at the group, I instantly warmed to the ladies I've met, I know I'm in safe hands.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Quote from: Shy on March 29, 2018, 05:46:26 AM
I'm not sure how to express this, or if it will make any sense but there is something within me that is maybe self deprecating or just empathic that I don't fully understand.
I had a meeting yesterday with a lovely lady autistic group and I found myself apologising for complicating things by being a transgender woman.
We discussed about me joining the women's group but could both rationalise that it could cause unforeseen problems with other potentialy vulnerable members. I wasn't refused but I also wasn't prepared to disrupt a potential stable environment.
I felt sad, but assured that it can never be all about me, I was thinking of others. I just found it difficult to understand my place, it felt like just another degree of separation. Self-imposed, admittedly, hence the confusion.
We ended up with a compromise where I would be partnered up with another women of my age who also has
Aspergers so we can learn from each other. So it's all good but I do feel like a bit of a social experiment sometimes.

So my journey continues, never as I planned, but with every turn I learn a little bit more about myself and my place in the world. They are good people at the group, I instantly warmed to the ladies I've met, I know I'm in safe hands.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Hi Sadie,

   Lool at it this way Hun, when it comes to finding our way and fitting in, we ate all a social experiment.  Each of us must look at the place we want to be and adapt with the circumstances. We meet and assess those that are already there and compromise learning the requirements to get along just as they must fot us.
  Think of it as a probation period or an initiation. I am sure that as time goes on they will see you for the wonderful lady you are ans welcome you fully inyo the circle.

  Patience,  my dear, patience.

Hugs,
   Laurie

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Quote from: Laurie on March 29, 2018, 07:00:29 AM
Hi Sadie,

   Lool at it this way Hun, when it comes to finding our way and fitting in, we ate all a social experiment.  Each of us must look at the place we want to be and adapt with the circumstances. We meet and assess those that are already there and compromise learning the requirements to get along just as they must fot us.
  Think of it as a probation period or an initiation. I am sure that as time goes on they will see you for the wonderful lady you are ans welcome you fully inyo the circle.

  Patience,  my dear, patience.

Hugs,
   Laurie

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Yes I have patience Laurie, I live in the U.K. and was placed on another waiting list

It's not about that, just me getting out there trying to find answers. I never expected to feel bamboozled, it just happened. Could be the autism in me reacting to a strange environment, the very thing that I'm seeking to understand better. My world is complicated at times.
Most trans people know what it's like to hide behind a mask, with some autistic people it's very similar, it's actually called social masking. To appear normal, fit in and protect ourselves we intellectually jump through hoops, I found out last night that it's a very female autistic trait which made me happy. I do it all the time.
So bit by bit I'm learning. The ladies I've met so far in the group have been wonderful, I have no doubts I'm in safe hands. They even have a transgender support poster at reception.
I doubt sharing this will mean anything to most, but it's my reality that some may take encouragement from. My real world experience, the unedited me.

Had a lovely meal with my folks tonight, I'm officially Sadie In their eyes now. For the first time in my life I began to feel part of the family. I've always felt on the periphery for many reasons, but tonight I started to feel accepted for who I am, their daughter

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Sharing the real Sadie with us is what we want Hun, all of you just as you are.
  It is so good to see you having family support too, Sadie.

Hugs,
  Laurie

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I hardly ever dream but last night was my first dream as myself. My hair was slightly longer but It was me. I guess my brain is rewiring or memories of a past life are fading, not sure which

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Sadie I think this is a huge milestone!  Dreaming as a woman. 

Quote from: Kendra on March 31, 2018, 09:38:24 AM
Sadie I think this is a huge milestone!  Dreaming as a woman.

Yes it does feel like a process sometimes.
It's a strange thing the subconscious, I never actually never thought anything of it at first and then it dawned on me something quite profound has changed within me

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 27, 2018, 05:14:03 PM

Sadie:  It was certainly nice to read your update.   I can identify with what you stated about your childhood memories.  I quit searching for things that could make it make sense and just accept who I was and who I am.

It is good that through all the thinking process and scratching your head that you are feeling better about yourself.  A positive attitude is not only good for your outlook on life but it is good and healthful for your body and mind.  People, friends, family and others that come across your path will be much more receptive to a positive person with a positive outlook.

I too, will write rambly posts and ramble on in my personal journal, it is a good way to sort out one's thoughts.

I enjoy reading your updates, please keep them coming.
Hugs,
Danielle

You are right about acceptance. I think initially it's right to take responsibility and question everything. Eventually though it becomes kind of counter productive, I feel like I'm reaching that tipping point now. Time to just get on with living

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Quote from: Shy on March 31, 2018, 01:44:26 PM
You are right about acceptance. I think initially it's right to take responsibility and question everything. Eventually though it becomes kind of counter productive, I feel like I'm reaching that tipping point now. Time to just get on with living

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

I think you are dead right...at some point it all gets really old and tiresome and the drive to get on and just live your life becomes overwhelming( well for me it has) Your experiences with the group have turned out to be yet another positive experience for you. Sometimes I think its so easy to get caught up in everything trans that the stuff we feel is important can be left to slide due to our pre-occupation...I think its just part of the overall experience. I too am striving to return my life to a modicum of normality if that is ever possible once the trans stuff is "out of the bag" so to speak

Take care

Liz

What no avatar? missing your smile already love. Hope you have a smilier one to replace it XXXXXX and hugs

Quote from: davina61 on April 08, 2018, 03:45:12 AM
What no avatar? missing your smile already love. Hope you have a smilier one to replace it XXXXXX and hugs

I'm just a bit dysphoric Davina. I'm also feeling a bit lost and isolated here to be honest.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Sadie I wish for you to be happy - I follow your posts here and care a lot about you, many people do.  You are not alone.  I wish I was there right now to give you a hug.

What I thought , that's why you had a big hug. We all get those moments, daft stuff sets you off. Hope you feel better soon and here is a BIGGER HUG

  I too am here Sadie. Been a bit busy but still keeping tabs on you. It makes me sad when you are having a bit of a rough time. But hunt, just look at the progress you have been making pretty much all on your own. That my dear friend is something to be proud of. I know I am proud of you. Keep your goals in mind hunt and you will achieve them.

Hugs,
  Laurie.

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