I am beginning to have second thoughts about this, after all of this time thinking about it and a
Wishing I could get it started and being excited about finally getting things moving and getting more excited about finishing in a couple of years with SRS and becoming a fulltime no questions asked period woman, I'm beginning to think and wonder, is this what I want or do I finish life as my assigned gender. Is this crazy, or normal?

Well  since I was 11 I realized that I was kinda different from other boys, and even though I told my partner that I wanted to transition two years ago(im 28 btw) and then I chickened out since I didn't wana lose her, so I think that is normal to have doubts, we live in a society that makes it very hard to take this step

Corrina: Not Crazy,  but certainly Normal for many that are considering HRT or have just started HRT. 
Transitioning and changing your body to another gender with HRT is a big, big decision and that is why in many cases therapy is required before getting to a doctor that will prescribe hormone drugs.

I hesitated for many years, and that is not bad, it gave me a chance to talk to many people, seriously examine my life many times and to seriously consider what I was wanting to do.... and to consider and examine the many consequences of being a transgender.... relationships, friends, employment, etc..    Transitioning is best to not be a two-way street, once you do it you are committed.  There are those that have transitioned and then de-transitioned but that has a plethora of new problems associated with it, not only more impact on your body and health, but also relationships, jobs, etc, etc....  much more complicated than just transitioning once to another gender.

If you are hesitating it could be for good reason.... you have to have your mind completely made up about the commitment to start HRT...  if not it is best to hold off until you can make a sound decision.   Hopefully you have been seeing a therapist and talking with them about your feelings and desires.   That is my recommendation.

Just my opinions.... PLEASE seek professional advice.
Wishing you the best,
Danielle

It's always normal to have second doubts regarding any major decision.  That's life.  I can't say if you should or should not go forward with the HRT.  That can only be decided by you and you alone.

It comes and goes for me.  Especially when the process is sooooooo slow; like, Lord, please grant me patience, and I want it right now.

However, as of late, when the twin sisters tickle me or I think I see Cassi in the mirror I lose all doubts.

I think that the "doubt monster" is pretty common.  Almost everyone I have talked to gets them.  I am lucky in that I get doubts only in very small doses that are easily dismissed.  But some people get them quite strongly.

Only you can decide if proceeding with HRT is right for you.  There is no right or wrong; there is only what works for you.

I'm 6 months on hrt and still have my doubts. They're actually more ups and downs than anything. The downs like when I see my nose in profile and think its hump is too big. So many other things too. Then I go into denial and that's more comforting than doubting. But what purpose does each serve and why? To push me through to another day, to a nose job (at least)?

So I stick with my gut instinct and it tells me to transition. Maybe that's a silly mantra. I know after 27 years what doesn't work for me. I have to try this treatment which addresses what my mind has always told me, "I'm a girl". If I feel in 2 years I made a mistake, all I have to do is stop taking these pills. I think the opposite will be true though...

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Quote from: Allison S on March 29, 2018, 05:27:50 PM
I'm 6 months on hrt and still have my doubts. They're actually more ups and downs than anything. The downs like when I see my nose in profile and think its hump is too big. So many other things too. Then I go into denial and that's more comforting than doubting. But what purpose does each serve and why? To push me through to another day, to a nose job (at least)?

So I stick with my gut instinct and it tells me to transition. Maybe that's a silly mantra. I know after 27 years what doesn't work for me. I have to try this treatment which addresses what my mind has always told me, "I'm a girl". If I feel in 2 years I made a mistake, all I have to do is stop taking these pills. I think the opposite will be true though...

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Allison: Yes we all have doubts particularly when just starting or in the initial stages of HRT....   but after 2 years I think that you are probably aware that just stopping the pills will NOT make everything go back to the way it was.  Most body changes and male function after 2 years of HRT are more or less permanent.... but I think that you already know that.

Love ya girl,
Hugs,
Danielle

Everything is running through my mind. I go to the store and look at women and wonder, will my hips fill out or breast size. Then back to the beginning am I doing the right thing. Then I walk by make up and wonder about lip stick colors and let's not forget eye liner and bringing out my high cheek bones. Then clothes and shoes. It's a big circle!!!!!!!

Quote from: Corrina on March 29, 2018, 05:51:49 PM
Everything is running through my mind. I go to the store and look at women and wonder, will my hips fill out or breast size. Then back to the beginning am I doing the right thing. Then I walk by make up and wonder about lip stick colors and let's not forget eye liner and bringing out my high cheek bones. Then clothes and shoes. It's a big circle!!!!!!!

@ Corrina: It is good to look and wonder and contemplate future changes if you go ahead with HRT.   
As Robyn stated in her reply, it is entirely your decision.... be very sober when you make that commitment.
Hugs,
Danielle

Danielle, I quit drinking a few years ago, that's a big reason these inner conflicts and feelings have come back so much stronger. That was my anesthetic although I still had moments even drinking. It seems like a crazy dream and I realize in a couple of short years I will get out of bed shower and go to work as woman with only memories or nightmares of being a man.

Quote from: Corrina on March 29, 2018, 06:20:16 PM
Danielle, I quit drinking a few years ago, that's a big reason these inner conflicts and feelings have come back so much stronger. That was my anesthetic although I still had moments even drinking. It seems like a crazy dream and I realize in a couple of short years I will get out of bed shower and go to work as woman with only memories or nightmares of being a man.

Corrina:  Thanks for trusting us here on Susan's Place enough that you are sharing that personal bit of info about yourself.
Please keep on thinking and contemplating what your plans may be.

I asked you this question in an earlier reply...  Have you talked to a counselor or therapist about your transition plans and now very importantly about your fears and doubts?.... this is important stuff... please talk to a professional about this well BEFORE you make a final decision.  PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL DO THAT... OK?

Hugs, and please keep us updated.
Danielle

Quote from: Corrina on March 29, 2018, 06:20:16 PM
Danielle, I quit drinking a few years ago, that's a big reason these inner conflicts and feelings have come back so much stronger. That was my anesthetic although I still had moments even drinking. It seems like a crazy dream and I realize in a couple of short years I will get out of bed shower and go to work as woman with only memories or nightmares of being a man.

I was in doubt for many years. After talking to my Therapist I never had any doubt at all, and when I make my decision begin my HRT I was 100% sure about my decision.

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Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 29, 2018, 06:27:03 PM

Corrina:  Thanks for trusting us here on Susan's Place enough that you are sharing that personal bit of info about yourself.
Please keep on thinking and contemplating what your plans may be.

I asked you this question in an earlier reply...  Have you talked to a counselor or therapist about your transition plans and now very importantly about your fears and doubts?.... this is important stuff... please talk to a professional about this well BEFORE you make a final decision.  PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL DO THAT... OK?

Hugs, and please keep us updated.
Danielle

I will have to bring my doubts and fears this week. We are going to put the plan and steps into place. As of now we will work around my schedule and this will be when we set a time line. I know I will need to see a doctor I am not over weight but am heavily muscled, weight training has been my stress relief. I know once I begin I will finish. Thanks Danielle
.

I have no doubts at all. I knew what I needed to do 30 years ago. Didn't do anything about it then. Now that I have I knew from the first day on HRT it was the right thing to do. I'm 110% sure this is the right path for me.

Good question! And yes I do have doubts. I'm not on T yet - but about to get on it in a year or so...

Just recently I'm having more doubts again! Just because it's such a huge life decision and a change, even if it were a positive one.

I got a great advice from someone here, stating that it is very normal to have doubts throughout the whole process, up to the point when I have the testosterone in my hands. Just because you are doubting, doesn't mean it's not the right decision!!!

If I start doubting too much, I just remind myself of how my body currently looks. And how much I'd rather see a male body in the mirror. That usually does it for me!!!

I think it would be more scary if you didn't have any doubts at all! Having doubts is about wanting to make sure you're making the right decision. It's normal to have doubts when you are making any big decision or a change in your life.

I actually even made a thread about this:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,232034.new.html#new
Were you nervous/scared to start HRT?
Though to my surprise many people said they weren't  ... but anyway.

But I am definitely having doubts! And a bit scared. I think it's also just because I've survived for so long 'like this' so kinda used to it... though I hate the way my body looks female and I hate misgendering etc. etc. etc. I hate if I look like a girl in a pic. I've thought about this sooooo much...! I even signed up in here in the first place to just ask if I should go on T or not! I had so many doubts. Then I learned that... others had them as well, like concerns on the effects... and whether you'd like them yourself or not... etc. And that it comes down to the fact that you need to look male (or in your case, female) in the eyes of society, other people, and ofc yourself. I know I want to look like a guy. I want other people to see me that way. I also know I want to see that myself!!! I always thought the social dysphoria was worse for me and that I needed other people to see me as one. But I know that I need it myself equally bad. Like I'm not happy if I pass by any mirror.

I still have doubts though!!! And the closer I get to being on T, the more I start thinking that yikes I'll really start looking like a man then... And like you said, I will be seen as such pretty soon... etc. Though I want that - the concept is still new to me, something I've never experienced before. The fear of the unknown.... you know.

Like I can't be 100% sure it's the right thing for me unless I try it. I just go day by day... one step at a time. I'm not there yet so... why worry. I have the mentality that when I have the T in my hands and if I don't feel like it, I don't need to take it. Though I also know that if I had it in front of me right now, I'd take it no doubt about it! So it's very likely I'll feel that way then too! And then I've thought that... I can take that first dose. And I can have that same thinking pattern with the next one, and the next. No one is forcing me to take it. So... I can just take it one dose at a time!

This isn't the same as to being really unsure about starting it. But I think this mentality works for the doubt. Do I feel good about this? Yes! Then take it. etc. So... it puts your doubting mind at ease to know that just because you go to therapy or get a prescription for it and buy it and take it for the first time, doesn't mean you are required to continue if you don't feel like it after all. I'm really taking it step by step. My goal for now is to at least get the prescription first! And then think about the rest.

It's like splitting any big task into smaller chunks.

These might help you also:
Did you ever feel surreal finally transitioning?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234862.0.html

What was the thing that held you back the most?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231654.0.html

What was the necessary push you needed to start transitioning?
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233118.0.html

Just follow your gut at the moment. Do I feel like getting a prescription is a good thing? Do I feel like buying the drug is a good thing? Do I feel good about taking it today? If not, wait till tomorrow. And ask yourself again. Just go one step at a time. And as long as you are having a good gut feeling about the step at hand, go for it. This way you're listening to your gut and not succumbing to the doubt/fear. As long as you're feeling good about it at that moment, you know you're doing the right thing 

Confucius says "One who jumps without thought of consequences and double checking their thinking will be prone to falling on one's face".