...the day I realised I was about to start doing yet another harmful thing to myself...when the constant taunting dysphoria lead me to once again start to plan my own death I knew it was time to seek help....I was so tired of always ending up here....there had to be a better way because taking my own life was no solution.

I realized that, in order to be able to function, I had to transition.
That was my turning point.

Hi Jessie,

I'm at the same point as you are now. I have pretty much everything a person wants, wonderful family, a stable job that allows me some luxuries, a loving and caring wife who is carrying our baby to be born in a few months. Even so, I was still an empty person living the life that others expected of me.

Since my childhood, there is not a single day when I did not fantasize about being a woman. I always knew I wanted this, always been jealous of women, wondering how is it like living as one. I lurked all over internet searching for fiction, porn to fill my need... I crossdressed... It has never been enough.

I always thought that transgender people was restricted to those freaks that do tons of surgeries and end up like monsters, or prostitutes. Of course I was naive and foolish.

I started seeing good results of trans women, either here or in other places. So I knew it was something attainable, even if extremely difficult. I remember sitting and thinking it through... I was 35 yr old and I was going to live at least another 35 years like that. I sorry excuse of a grumpy man that relies on porn and keeps daydreaming of living a different life. My work performance was already affected, my wife noticed my increased angriness and dissatisfaction with everything. So, the prognostic was obvious.

I still waited another year so that we could get pregnant. Anxiety and depression only scaled up. Then I started HRT this January. It was very difficult and still is. I stopped the HRT cold turkey twice over the last 3 months. But I will always go back. Put a kid in a candy store and tell them they can have anything they want... can you make them exit? HRT is the same thing. I am amazed with all small changes I'm experiencing... there is no turning back, I am sure of it. I will face this challenge and do everything I can to make it work. I won't live in fear and despair any longer.

Different than you, I have a supporting wife. If she ever said she would not tolerate me living as a woman, I would stop. I can't live without her. But she accepted the challenge, to my relief.

My suggestion is, try everything you can to have her beside you. Bring her to therapy, talk to her and be honest. The person you are is not changing, only allowing a happier and fully realized version of yourself to exist. Looks are not forever, so isn't sexual life. My wife is not a lesbian but she could understand this, we can be together and even explore new situations. I don't know if we will stay together in the long term, but we are surely trying, because we love each other. I'm sure your wife will end up understanding if she truly loves the person you are and have always been.

Please keep posting, do not give up.

I always knew I was trans since the age of 4 but I managed to "keep it at bay" by bodyshaving and crossdressing in private all my life and by burying myself in my work.

I expected that I would enjoy retirement and continue to live with my trans situation. However my mum died in 2015 and I was bitterly disappointed and took over a year to come to terms with it. After that my transgender status became more prominent and I could no longer suppress and then I realized that for so much of my life I had been just existing rather than living.

Consequently at the age of 62 I had to face it - I could either remain depressed for the rest of my life or seek therapy and then HRT. I chose the latter.

Pamela