Hello,
Do ant M t F Transgenders dread looking back on the past. When I escape into memory all I feel is darkness. I feel a dysfunctional family, living amongst a very mean, and cold hearted community. I think of regrets of losing my reputation to girlfriends to more masculine types.

Today, while I do suffer through some doubt in marriage it is not that way for me. Many of my girl friends loved that I transitioned. Many of my boy friends seem to have a shy awareness of me.

Honestly I know, my life has been completely independent of others opinions, while surviving on public assistance.

Today I wear a real smile, not really because of how far I have come, but knowing this is the real me, and there is nothing left for me to hide from.

I myself won't look at my past as anything but a positive.  If I've experienced something, I've learned from it, and if you can have knowledge you can have change.

Smiles, Jessica

I hate my past and never want to go back there ever. On the other hand it is so much of me that I have to use it to make me a better woman than the man I was. My wife pushes me hard to stop letting my past bother me so much and she should know as she bore the brunt of my evil side (can't think of any other word for it). I can see so clearly now what kind of a prick I was when people that have known me for years can't believe I'm Happy and fun and easy to get along with.
I've ( Doug) been described as a thunder storm with outbreaks of class 5 tornados.

Despite an abusive childhood and a long list of adult achievements that were impaired by what I now know is dysphoria, male me was a good guy who did a lot of good things.  He finished law school, passed the bar exam, and raised a son and an adopted stepdaughter (both lawyers now).  He paid for the construction of a large family home and multiple businesses in the Philippines for his in laws.  He paid for six college educations in the Philippines.

He was grumpy, irritable and anxiety ridden, but he was a good guy, and my wife misses him.  If he were a separate person I would probably be in love with him. I feel like I want to retire his jersey and hang it from the rafters.  In my imagination he is retired, driving a '73 Camaro Z28 along a beach somewhere, scoping the waves and the women.  Believe me, he's earned it.

My past formed who I am. Could I have done better? Maybe, but would've could've helps no one so I accept it as the groundwork for who I am today. I won't look back with regret because I achieved a lot.

I don't mind looking back at my past.  I am a member of a Facebook group for discussing the aircraft I used to fly in the Air Force.  Those were good times, and it is fun to reminisce with some of my old associates. 

I out myself there when the need arises, which it does from time to time, because my dates of service are for a time when there were no female pilots.  And some of the folks there are people I actually shared a cockpit or a classroom with, who remember only the old me.  It is no big deal, and so far, most of them have been cool with it.

I, like some others, am formed by my whole self.  That wholeness is made up of every little decision I've ever made.  I'm defined by those decisions, good or bad.

Being transgender, although a huge focus of my life, today, will fade and I'll just be Denise. 

My guess is the older transitionees here look back with fond memories (mostly).  But that is just a guess based upon asking this very question to a lot of friends.

I won't speak for younger people but I suspect it's not the same feeling.

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I only get upset at missed oppurtunities. Had I transitioned earlier and been female, I may have had many different experiences... I guess it's curiousity on my part.

One thing I don't like is that dysphoria comes up when I look back too. Just the thought I was/am perceived as male makes my skin crawl... I know (logically) I shouldn't give it much thought, but it still depresses me.

I feel like I would be lying to myself if I just erase my past. I need to accept my mistake for not transitioning sooner so I can keep motivating myself right now.

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Quote from: Allison S on April 03, 2018, 10:46:57 AM
I only get upset at missed oppurtunities. Had I transitioned earlier and been female, I may have had many different experiences... I guess it's curiousity on my part.

One thing I don't like is that dysphoria comes up when I look back too. Just the thought I was/am perceived as male makes my skin crawl... I know (logically) I shouldn't give it much thought, but it still depresses me.

I feel like I would be lying to myself if I just erase my past. I need to accept my mistake for not transitioning sooner so I can keep motivating myself right now.

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@ Allison:   I have stated my lament in the past in other threads.....
                "Why, oh why, did I wait so long to start transitioning?"

Starting earlier at a younger stage in one's life is a definite advantage to anyone that transitions but because transitioning is one of our life's biggest decisions and has enormous impact on our personal relationships with family and friends, employment, and our finances....  not to mention the health issues.....  it is something that is best not done too quickly without thoroughly researching and thinking about the journey ahead.

Now that you are on your journey I think that it may be best to not look back and be depressed about your past life but instead look forward with continued anticipation and excitement about the journey ahead.

You are definitely not alone with what you mentioned in your above reply... almost all of us that are transtioning have the very same thoughts.

Hugs, and I will always be looking for your transition updates as you feel comfortable posting them.
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on April 03, 2018, 11:00:56 AM

@ Allison:   I have stated my lament in the past in other threads.....
                "Why, oh why, did I wait so long to start transitioning?"

Starting earlier at a younger stage in one's life is a definite advantage to anyone that transitions but because transitioning is one of our life's biggest decisions and has enormous impact on our personal relationships with family and friends, employment, and our finances....  not to mention the health issues.....  it is something that is best not done too quickly without thoroughly researching and thinking about the journey ahead.

Now that you are on your journey I think that it may be best to not look back and be depressed about your past life but instead look forward with continued anticipation and excitement about the journey ahead.

You are definitely not alone with what you mentioned in your above reply... almost all of us that are transtioning have the very same thoughts.

Hugs, and I will always be looking for your transition updates as you feel comfortable posting them.
Danielle

Thank you [emoji169]
I think the 1 year mark will be a nice update.. [emoji4]

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