A week ago I was penning a letter to my father to tell him his daughter is actually his son, but lately I've been having major freak outs. I've been deadnaming myself, in my mind and out loud when I talk to myself. I've become uncomfortable when people call me he/him. My new chosen name does not make me uncomfortable, and whatever happens I will still change my legal name. However, this morning I'm in full "girl/butch mode" that I don't even feel like a man (while at the same time my unbound chest makes me physically ill to look at it...)
Some thoughts:
- I recently started a new job where there was no opportunity for a "nickname" and I don't feel safe coming out at the moment, so everyone is calling me she/her and by my legal deadname. Which is delightful.
- I recently took up an old hobby that I used to do back when I thought I was a teenage girl. I don't know if this is causing me to regress.
- Could it be the stress of finally looking it in the face, of getting ready to come out to my family? I've been out to a handful of people for about a year now. I've been binding full time, living male full time in some circles, and it's been great. So why the change now? I could chalk it up to a bad week but I'm scared. To feel like I've made such amazing progress in the past year, only to have it all crumble away in just a few days is so depressing.
Thoughts? Advice? Thank you.
Edit: I've researched gender dysphoria diagnoses in adults and children, and it's clearly what I "have" -- if I'd been born a decade or two later I would have been diagnosed at a very young age. Even with the "scientific evidence" of it backing it up, and my own confidence about my gender in the past, I'm very scared to have this sudden drawback. I think this is my first major doubt/freak out since going full time. Feels like I've fallen off the wagon.
