hi all!

My ups and downs are driving me crazy, and I wonder if it hormonal, psychological, or both!  I and my wife have two daughters one through her teen years, one in the throws of them.  I thought maybe I would be like them, moody demanding, and irritable and to some extent I am, but it is also, I think, very different.  I feel like I should be in control of how all this moves forward, after all I decided to do this!  But I think control is the last thing I have in the actual progress I make. 

I wonder if anyone else sees transitioning as under their control to some extent? 

It dawned on me that it feels like when I don't progress fast enough its as if I think I should be able to do something to move forward, not like a teenager, but more a medical decision.  But it is a natural response to the hormones so it is more like being a teenager, albeit one driven by taking hormones and levels determined by a doctor.

Reality is though it is a natural transition once we start HRT - a lot of what happens is out of our control.  The loss of real control, but thinking we are making decisions is confusing me!! That even confuses me!!

I think I am rambling...just want to feel less alone! lol.

Love and Hugs to you all!  Marcie

Oh trust me I know what you're going through... Estrogen is one heck of a hormone. But I guess so is testosterone.. I think I have a lot going on though so things are out of whack for sure

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Marcie,

We all feel unusual at first, but as soon as we become accustom to the changes, the roller coaster seems to level out.

For myself, my main experience with Estradiol is that I felt so at peace with the world. Nobody or nothing seemed to bother me. I just accepted what ever came my way without complaint. I really enjoyed my  roller coaster ride. I never felt so good my entire life previous to Estradiol.

Since we are all different, we may experience different results, but what you describe is what many other trans women describe with their first experiences with Estradiol. Just be cool and take it as it comes. 

Quote from: Dani on April 06, 2018, 05:22:41 AM
Marcie,

We all feel unusual at first, but as soon as we become accustom to the changes, the roller coaster seems to level out.

For myself, my main experience with Estradiol is that I felt so at peace with the world. Nobody or nothing seemed to bother me. I just accepted what ever came my way without complaint. I really enjoyed my  roller coaster ride. I never felt so good my entire life previous to Estradiol.

Since we are all different, we may experience different results, but what you describe is what many other trans women describe with their first experiences with Estradiol. Just be cool and take it as it comes. 

Thanks Dani! 

I too definitely feel euphoria and a calmness, and if all else were equal maybe the roller coaster ride as you describe it would not have so many highs and lows. I love being on Estradiol, it is as if I should always have been  on it!  I just have so much going on, and then add in the downs and I hit bottom frequently.  I think if I get some of the tough things resolved and am out completely then a lot of this may be just that an enjoyable roller coaster ride!  I hope so anyway!

Love and Hugs, Marcie

Quote from: Allison S on April 05, 2018, 12:49:27 PM
Oh trust me I know what you're going through... Estrogen is one heck of a hormone. But I guess so is testosterone.. I think I have a lot going on though so things are out of whack for sure

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Thanks Allison for the support and reply.  It is hard doing this - even your besties who are trans have their own lives and struggles so often I feel alone in this.  I hope that will change over time and once I can be out to my entire family and the world!  Have a beautiful day! 

Love and Hugs, Marcie

Quote from: Marcieelizabeth on April 06, 2018, 06:25:25 AM
even your besties who are trans have their own lives and struggles so often I feel alone in this

I absolutely agree with this. It's a very lonely and personal process, even if you know people who are on HRT as well, it's very different for each one and everyone does things their own way, have their own lives to live so no experience will be exactly like yours and it can feel lonely. I've certainly felt that along the way.

The good news is that I think it makes us stronger, and also it means there's no right or wrong way to do this, we can get some guidance by professionals but at the end we must follow our inner voice.



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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 06, 2018, 06:55:04 AM

I absolutely agree with this. It's a very lonely and personal process, even if you know people who are on HRT as well, it's very different for each one and everyone does things their own way, have their own lives to live so no experience will be exactly like yours and it can feel lonely. I've certainly felt that along the way.

The good news is that I think it makes us stronger, and also it means there's no right or wrong way to do this, we can get some guidance by professionals but at the end we must follow our inner voice.

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Charlie Nicki - YES!  unfortunately my inner voice often is filled with fear as of now, I think if other people in my family in particular could just let me be out and let them know what is going on that would fade away a lot.  Right now hiding is so painful!

I'd say it's you, but that's just me. To my mind there is no way an adult can be a teenager, with all that lack of basic experience, socialization (positive or negative, in any way), never paid a bill, great hope, huge disappointments, everything so intense.

I just don't buy into a healthily adjusted adult feeling that way like an adolescent does. Yes, hormones are everywhere, but with the serious benefit of adult socialization. The amout of non trans adults who say 'I wish I could go back there with my brain/life experience now' is striking. To do it all again with an adult brain and the wisdom of adult perception, well that'd be bloody brilliant really, wouldn't it?

They can't do it. We can (to an extent), as long as we don't kid ourselves we are actually teenagers. Because we aren't on any level. Nobody really has that luxury, trans or not. It would an absolute luxury, a fantasy of a dream adolescence that nobody ever gets to live.

That is not the generation we come from, we have no idea what it is like, and they have no idea what it was to be a teen however many decades ago. Even superficially, the hopes, the fears, the mores, the music, the television, the aspirations, even the fashions that defined male v female. Very few of them fit or even merge for any generation or the sub groups within each.

Look at the early 80's with everything from later punks to New Romantics and Sloane Rangers. How would you explain that to a teen now? It was barely understandable to those of us who were teens in the 90's and only then because it wasn't as far back as hippies or mods & rockers, and we knew people who were identifiably still in each group.

To say you're a teen equivalent now is self indulgent flattery as far as I can see. And it's not even that flattering because realiy, who would want to be one aside from the fantasy of doing it all perfectly? As I say, everyone has that glorious hindsight, trans or not.

Quote from: alex82 on April 06, 2018, 05:12:25 PM
I'd say it's you, but that's just me. To my mind there is no way an adult can be a teenager, with all that lack of basic experience, socialization (positive or negative, in any way), never paid a bill, great hope, huge disappointments, everything so intense.

I just don't buy into a healthily adjusted adult feeling that way like an adolescent does. Yes, hormones are everywhere, but with the serious benefit of adult socialization. The amout of non trans adults who say 'I wish I could go back there with my brain/life experience now' is striking. To do it all again with an adult brain and the wisdom of adult perception, well that'd be bloody brilliant really, wouldn't it?

They can't do it. We can (to an extent), as long as we don't kid ourselves we are actually teenagers. Because we aren't on any level. Nobody really has that luxury, trans or not. It would an absolute luxury, a fantasy of a dream adolescence that nobody ever gets to live.

That is not the generation we come from, we have no idea what it is like, and they have no idea what it was to be a teen however many decades ago. Even superficially, the hopes, the fears, the mores, the music, the television, the aspirations, even the fashions that defined male v female. Very few of them fit or even merge for any generation or the sub groups within each.

Look at the early 80's with everything from later punks to New Romantics and Sloane Rangers. How would you explain that to a teen now? It was barely understandable to those of us who were teens in the 90's and only then because it wasn't as far back as hippies or mods & rockers, and we knew people who were identifiably still in each group.

To say you're a teen equivalent now is self indulgent flattery as far as I can see. And it's not even that flattering because realiy, who would want to be one aside from the fantasy of doing it all perfectly? As I say, everyone has that glorious hindsight, trans or not.

I think it was meant more in terms of emotional instability. I think hrt does do that. I think regardless of age, changing from one gender to another is a very intense ride. If you focus on actual age, yeah teenagers are more vulnerable since they rely on parents/family/others. But that's not always the case and also it makes things easier than being an "adult". Like a lot easier.

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Quote from: alex82 on April 06, 2018, 05:12:25 PM
I'd say it's you, but that's just me. To my mind there is no way an adult can be a teenager, with all that lack of basic experience, socialization (positive or negative, in any way), never paid a bill, great hope, huge disappointments, everything so intense.

I just don't buy into a healthily adjusted adult feeling that way like an adolescent does. Yes, hormones are everywhere, but with the serious benefit of adult socialization. The amout of non trans adults who say 'I wish I could go back there with my brain/life experience now' is striking. To do it all again with an adult brain and the wisdom of adult perception, well that'd be bloody brilliant really, wouldn't it?

They can't do it. We can (to an extent), as long as we don't kid ourselves we are actually teenagers. Because we aren't on any level. Nobody really has that luxury, trans or not. It would an absolute luxury, a fantasy of a dream adolescence that nobody ever gets to live.

That is not the generation we come from, we have no idea what it is like, and they have no idea what it was to be a teen however many decades ago. Even superficially, the hopes, the fears, the mores, the music, the television, the aspirations, even the fashions that defined male v female. Very few of them fit or even merge for any generation or the sub groups within each.

Look at the early 80's with everything from later punks to New Romantics and Sloane Rangers. How would you explain that to a teen now? It was barely understandable to those of us who were teens in the 90's and only then because it wasn't as far back as hippies or mods & rockers, and we knew people who were identifiably still in each group.

To say you're a teen equivalent now is self indulgent flattery as far as I can see. And it's not even that flattering because realiy, who would want to be one aside from the fantasy of doing it all perfectly? As I say, everyone has that glorious hindsight, trans or not.

WOW...okay then...thanks

Quote from: Allison S on April 06, 2018, 05:43:51 PM
I think it was meant more in terms of emotional instability. I think hrt does do that. I think regardless of age, changing from one gender to another is a very intense ride. If you focus on actual age, yeah teenagers are more vulnerable since they rely on parents/family/others. But that's not always the case and also it makes things easier than being an "adult". Like a lot easier.

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Thanks Allison, definitely the sense...reading between the lines is a lost art to some...

Quote from: Marcieelizabeth on April 06, 2018, 09:35:56 PM
WOW...okay then...thanks

You're welcome. I took it to be a genuine question, so I answered in that spirit.

Quote from: Marcieelizabeth on April 05, 2018, 12:17:01 PM
hi all!

My ups and downs are driving me crazy, and I wonder if it hormonal, psychological, or both!  I and my wife have two daughters one through her teen years, one in the throws of them.  I thought maybe I would be like them, moody demanding, and irritable and to some extent I am, but it is also, I think, very different.  I feel like I should be in control of how all this moves forward, after all I decided to do this!  But I think control is the last thing I have in the actual progress I make. 

I wonder if anyone else sees transitioning as under their control to some extent? 

It dawned on me that it feels like when I don't progress fast enough its as if I think I should be able to do something to move forward, not like a teenager, but more a medical decision.  But it is a natural response to the hormones so it is more like being a teenager, albeit one driven by taking hormones and levels determined by a doctor.

Reality is though it is a natural transition once we start HRT - a lot of what happens is out of our control.  The loss of real control, but thinking we are making decisions is confusing me!! That even confuses me!!

I think I am rambling...just want to feel less alone! lol.

Love and Hugs to you all!  Marcie

Interesting thoughts and comments, and ones I can almost mirror, especially over the past week.

If you mean mood changes, then no I personally have not experienced any. I have always been moody though, so I probably would not notice any change.

For me, mood changes and emotional ups and downs have not been a factor. I have lots of stresses in my life right now, and being on HRT only adds to that stress level. So maybe i don't "feel" the emotional effects because my life is full enough of other things.

Physical effects yes - loss of body order, skin less oily, painful breast and breast buds.

Losing control - I have intended/hoped to control my transition with the idea that I could slow down, or back out at any time. I looked in the mirror this morning and with the even tiny increases in breast size, realized that this is the body I have always imagined is me. I feel like lost control when I realized that. Yikes! I have controlled this beast my entire life.


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I was borderline suicidal for the first couple months. I could go from hating life to loving it in just a few seconds and it was like this all day. After a couple months it got much better though

Well, I haven't had suicidal thoughts and never will.  Survival mindset is too ingrained.  Doesn't make things any easier though - get the feeling that something is going to happen which is very strong at times. 

In the past, this feeling has prepared me to act or respond in response to something happening but there's nothing that even suggests that's what is happening so it's just an issue of fighting it and getting over it, hopefully.

Quote from: Cassi on April 07, 2018, 08:24:23 PM
Interesting thoughts and comments, and ones I can almost mirror, especially over the past week.

I am sorry for that - hang in there Cassi - as they say misery loves company

Quote from: kanad3 on April 08, 2018, 06:06:58 AM
I was borderline suicidal for the first couple months. I could go from hating life to loving it in just a few seconds and it was like this all day. After a couple months it got much better though

Wow - well I am almost there still at the 5 month mark, I am glad it passed for you and you made it through!  Love and Highs, Marcie

Quote from: TicTac on April 08, 2018, 03:01:56 AM
If you mean mood changes, then no I personally have not experienced any. I have always been moody though, so I probably would not notice any change.

Yes, but not just mood changes - the physical feelings of transitioning also seem to ebb and flow causing ups and downs!