Gosh! So many replies in less than 24 hours; I wasn't expecting such a rapid response. Please keep them coming - I know you will of course!

I gave you my thoughts at the start. Now a couple of actions:

I liked playing tea sets with little girls and liked to play with them in a Wendy House and try old dresses on therein!

Thanking you for all your time and replies.

Pamela

Confusion! Frustration! Guilt! Shame!  My early thoughts, feelings, and experiences were very similar to many that have already been shared.  From clothing to toys to friends I tried to do everything I thought girls did, wore or liked vs. what I thought boys did, wore or liked.  But I didn't understand why I felt that way and tried so hard to hide it.   

My mom said when I was "little" I used to walk around wearing her red heels and carrying one of her purses all the time.  I kind of remember doing that but I'm not sure if it's because she told my wife about it a gazillion times or if I actually remeber.  My first real memory was when I was 4 just before starting kindergarten when my mom found me in her room one morning after church trying on her nylons.  I remember she called the rest of the family up to see me and they all just laughed.  I didn't understand why of course and felt bad and confused.  My mom was sweet about it and said she just didn't want me to ruin her good nylons.  I think she realized that I was "different" but just didn't know how to handle it or what to do about it at the time.

Over the years my family and living situation changed.  But those dreams and desires - the wish to "just wake up one morning and be a woman" never changed.  I found some relief through dressing as much as possible.  My mom was ALWAYS finding her things in my drawers and closet.  By the time I was 9 my mom put this small antique-looking chest in the hallway just past the stairs.  She was good a decorating and interior design and it really fit well there, however her motive was different.  She discretely filled it items she didn't want anymore - hosiery, panties, bras, old make-up, etc.  It's funny but she never told me, she never said a word.  I just "discovered" it...and never said a word about it.  I just used things and put them back. 

She also separated a section is her closet of "garage sale/donation items" after she figured out I was trying on all her blouses, skirts and dresses.  She casually mentioned one day that she had cleaned her closet (...my heart sank hoping she didn't get rid some of my favorites) and created a section of things she didn't want anymore.  I figured it out.  :-)

My mom and I never talked openly about what we both knew until I had graduated from college and was going out with my now wife.  We had a lot of laughs, tears, and "wow, really??" moments.

As a kid growing up, exercising that side of myself that I perceived as feminine was my temporary relief for my desire to become a woman.  But throughout my entire childhood and teen years that frustration and confusion, the guilt and shame, really never went away.  Looking back, I realized that at least with my mom, we had one step in the right direction...we just never took that next one.  We didn't talk about it.  That's one thing I sure wish I had done. 

Wow.  Inspiring. What an amazing mom!

You remind me of telling my mom several years back that I wish I could wear my wife's lingerie...and she said, "why don't you?"   "What every makes you happy!"    I never confided in her about my feelings and desire, and she passed away a year ago.   She was so wise and supportive of me...I know she would be supportive of me today. 

Wow I know a great deal of these experiences resonate with me. Lets see, things I remeber....

dress up, at first it wasnt always in secret but when you are very young its just cute. When you get a bit older you get the idea that it is wrong. I remeber putting on my grandma's clip on earings and some costume jewelry neclaces. Spraying a pump of purfume. Wearing her shoes and once or twice my moms shoes. In my later grade school years I would dress in secret if alone at my grandparents house. Upstairs in the closets of the bedrooms my mom and uncle grew up in was a bunch of my grandma's older dresses. Sometimes if it worked into our play stories, I would wear one of those dresses over my regular clothes.
I remeber sometimes playing being pregnant like a TV show labor scene. I seemed to always be the one with a pillow stuffed into my shirt for a preggers belly.
One year when my one girl cousin was at our house and she had received her first makeup and nail paint sets for her birthday, I was enthralled watching her putting on eye shadow. I so wished I could put it on also.
Starting at about 11 years old I started thinking about self castration. I grew up on a farm and had helped when grandpa castrated young pigs. I knew what supplies were used to keep it all sterile. I planned it out many times in my head. Luckily I never tried.

There was no word transgender back then. All I knew is growing up it was "wrong" and "bad" to watch Strawberry Shortcake and other girly cartoons. I knew it was wrong to want to be a girl enough to never say it aloud but for one time when i was 4 or 5. The only transvestitie or transsexual media exposure was negative. Late night TV shows like "SOAP", movies like "Crocadile Dundee" only ever portayed people like us as something bad or something to make fun of.

Quote from: josie76 on April 06, 2018, 09:33:14 PM

There was no word transgender back then. All I knew is growing up it was "wrong" and "bad" to watch Strawberry Shortcake and other girly cartoons.

+ Rainbow Brite and She-Ra. :X (Later on, Sailor Moon with the "It's hard to get anime in the US, I have to take what I can get!" excuse.)

Quote from: pamelatransuk on April 05, 2018, 05:58:57 AM
Some of us know when we are infants and some of us only realise later.

So a simple question for those of us like me that "always knew".

Perhaps not unexpectedly, I told someone I wished to be a girl - I chose my grandmother as I was really close to her.

I prayed to God that I would be turned into a girl.

Thirdly I believed perhaps from age 4 to age 12 that there must be four groups: boys who wished to boys, girls who wished to be girls, boys who wished to be girls and girls who wished to be boys. I was right but I truly also believed there must be around a quarter of all people in each group! I am not joking. Could anyone really be so naïve? Could anyone really be so pessimistic?

What were your first thoughts/actions if you "always knew" please?

Thanking you

Pamela

I knew from the age of four that I was really a girl but didn't know what to do about it. I was born legally blind and, as I got older, felt that it was another "handicap " or "challenge" as they say now. I started dressing in my aunt's clothing at around thirteen. As I got older, I over-compensated, like many of us have done. I always dressed in secret. Over the years, I read about pioneering women like Christine Jorgensen, Renee Richards and revered women like Billie Jean King. I went in and out of two marriages and my second one ended when my late wife passed away. Nine of then were the least bit open or sympathetic. I've been more open and up front about my trans-ness in the last several years and have finally begun HRT. For however many years I have left, I'm going to be Sarah once and for all. I'm finally feeling the freedom and joy I should have given myself the chance to feel so long ago. I've come out to people and met with mostly rejection. I know that my family members, few though there are, will most likely reject me, including my sons. But I have to be me. I've already made some girlfriends who are changelings, and I'm so happy to be part of this community.

Love you all,
Sarah xo


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Like BriannaJ, I also had an understanding mother.
I knew early on I was different but didn't even consider transitioning until my mid-30s. When I was 4 to about 6 or so, I played dress up with my mother's and sister's and shoes and clothes, they both thought it was cute and played along; my father, however, was a far different story.
When I was about 12, Dad started traveling extensively and I started dressing again only to be caught by my sister playing in her dolls and wearing Mom's hose and one of Sissie's dresses. By then, my feet were too large for either's shoes... When Mom came home, we had the first of many long conversations including subjects such as Christine Jorgenson and crossdressing was odd but not perverted. We then started building me a "secret" wardrobe that could be easily hidden when Dad was home. Even though I wore panties daily, I still liked girls.
In high school, I had to revert to boy's underwear for the year I had gym class and hated it. By the time I went to college, my parents had divorced, I had a good wig, a couple of bras and rice-filled bags to fill them and even went out a couple of times with Mom and sis as my alter-ego. Still thinking I was "just" a CD, I managed to suppress my urges with a heavy class load. After graduation, however, I started dressing almost nightly and wondered if there was anyone out there for me.
When I was 25, I met a wonderful girl. We fell madly in love but before I made any commitment, I respected her enough that I had to let her know the truth. I preparation for her arrival one Friday evening, I had taken extra care to be as womanly as I could possibly be wearing a blue skirt and matching pumps, ecru blouse and faux pearl earrings and necklace. We cried and hugged a lot that night but when she left, I knew not if I would ever see her again. I was startled when she just dropped in the next afternoon, unannounced. I was in guy's grungies, just back from work, when she told me to clean up and change, we were headed out. She also announced that my name was all wrong and christened me as Susan. We ended up at a lingerie boutique where she had pre-arranged an actual bra fitting with artificial breasts. I was in heaven.
Fast forward 10 years and she and I both knew CDing just wasn't enough and the first steps towards full transition were begun. Our young family had known Susan all their lives so nothing seemed amiss as together we began the process to complete the "real" me that had started to emerge all those years ago.

Unfortunately both my mother and bride have passed on to another place but without their Love, help and encouragement, I wouldn't be who I am today.

Susan
PS. Thank you for a great topic and walk down memory lane. And thanks also to those who have taken time to tell their stories.
edit: How could I have forgotten Love (with a capital L) in the last sentence? sb

Double wow.    You are both amazing and inspiring.   I have so much respect for individuals who are so open to humanity. 

It's so great to hear about understanding and supportive parents from a young age!  I really wish that all parents could be like that, y'know?

Mine didn't really come around until I actually came out to her, otherwise she, being one with high appearance standards, thought that my masculine days were me just being sloppy and lazy but switched real fast when she knew the reason why I had those days.  Otherwise, when I was a kid, she just let me play with and wear what I wanted (she recently told me that people would buy me dolls and Barbies but I'd play with them for two seconds and then never touch them again), but still pressured me to be feminine.

So, like, the first time I remember an awareness of self, is also the first time I remember thinking about my gender. I was riding in the back of our family car. I was maybe 4. I was thinking "I'm a girl. But I look like a boy. And daddy thinks I'm a boy. And mommy wishes I was a boy. But I'm a girl."

I didn't do much with it at first, because at that age I was able to be pretty girly without reproach. As I got older, I started to realize that certain femme behaviors were more heavily policed, and attracted certain bad attention, so I had to repress those. Others were more ambiguous, and could be played with. I built 3 layers of personality, the fake boy on the outside, as much girl shining through as possible, and the girl trapped in it all.

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Thank you all so much for your replies.

We have so many interesting stories which we have shared and have so much in common. Nice to remininisce back to childhood.

Once again thank you and I appreciate some will not wish to look back due to painful experiences.

Pamela