Do you like your face?
- For the most part and in general, yeah I like my face. Some traits I really like, others are more "meh" and some are more "ugh". But on average I'm fine with it.
Has it changed a lot after HRT?
- Not really. I mean some of my friends say it's really changed a lot but I disagree. Except from the very big, obvious change that is beard, I got a bit wider jaw, higher hairline that makes my face look more square-ish, a bit thicker eyebrows (but they were thick to begin with) and of course more acne that scarred the skin on my face more. So I count that as a change too, cause of the permanent extra scarring, although it's just indirectly cased by the T.
Are you happy with the changes?
- All but the acne, yeah.
Do you have facial dysphoria? Do you wish your face were more masculine/feminine?
- A bit, yeah. I'm dysphoric about how small my chin is and that my jawline kinda blends in with my neck. I don't think that looks masculine and it bothers me. For now, I hide it somewhat well with my beard, or at least the beard detracts from the shape/size of my jaw/chin, but I wish I can get that fixed surgically at some point. Like getting a chin implant and some lipo on/under my jaw to sharpen it. But I don't suppose I can afford that anytime soon. Maybe next decade...
Do you think your face affects your passing? When do you experience dysphoria?
- Not these days, no. I pass all the time these days. Last time I was misgendered was 4 years ago. I know that when new people/strangers see my face they can't even guess that I was born female. So that's nice, and is way above what expectations I had on T in terms of my face. That about my chin/jaw is really just for my own comfort and level of masculinity/manliness, and not connected to passing. I mean, getting that fixed won't make me pass more, cause I already pass 100% and there's no such thing as passing 110%. But it would make me feel better about my face.
Have other people complimented your face or commented on it? Do you think you are judging your features more harshly than other people?
- Yeah, many tell me I look hot/attractive, that they never could have guessed I'm trans, that they think I look totally like a dude, etc. So I get very positive comments, for the most part, and those are the ones I focus on.
Then a few randoms have commented on my acne, but it doesn't really get to me. Also, some people have pointed out in a negative light that I have a large nose, but that doesn't get to me at all cause I really like that my nose is big.
I know I judge my face more harshly than others do, but I also don't beat myself up about it, and I do see what they mean! I don't think I look bad or womanly, just wish I looked better and more male. I think it really is just because I stare at and carry that face every day, so it's more personal and important to me what it looks like for that reason.
Have you had any surgeries or treatments on your face? Or do you plan to? Why? Have these helped?
- No, not yet at least. If you don't count acne treatments that didn't work, that is. I do wish I can someday get that jaw and chin fixed up, as I said already, but who knows when or even if. Other than that I don't want to modify anything. Beyond getting more piercings, maybe. Like in my nose if I can get it to stop constantly being runny, maybe I'd like a tongue percing and more rings in my lip as well. Tried eyebrow piercings before but those didn't stick. I'd never get tattoos on my face though. That only goes below my neck, and possibly on my neck but not anywhere higher up. I'm glad I'll never have a "respectable" job to worry about in terms of my looks though!
Do you think you look strikingly different after being on HRT?
- No, I don't think I look strikingly different. More just subtly different. If I'd shave my beard I think my face would look very similar to how it did before. I couldn't pass without a beard even when I was several years on T. So I think that's the crucial difference for my face. It being more masculine on the upper half, makes the addition of a beard the biggest difference in if I'm perceived as male or female. At least that makes sense to me, if the beard literally hides the feminine attributes with a very male attribute.
Do you think you look more alien or just more you?
- I think I look more closely to what I consider me, but not perfectly so. It reflects my gender better, but I've always felt strangely awkward about having a human body. Like I never got used to that, somehow. I'm weird, I know, but that's okay xD
Did you find it hard to see your face (that you've grown used to) changing...?
- No, that wasn't hard at all for me. I've always had a very easy time to get used to change. And I had seen my teeth change drastically when I had braces in my teens, seen changes with drastically new hairstyles (like going straight from long black hair to short blonde hair, for ex), as well as very dramatic makeup styles, etc. I thought the changes from taking T were very slow compared to those other things, a little too slow (yeah, impatient) so I had lots of time to get used to it, and it never overwhelmed me. Also I've never been used to my face anyway. It's always surprised me in the mirror, so in a sense, I've always been used to never being used to it!
What do you think/feel when you see old and new pics of your face?
- I feel mostly just nostalgic about old pics but not like I miss it. A little embarrassed about how I chose to style myself at some times in my past, but gender wise... it doesn't really bother me. If anything I think it's fun to compare the pre-transition me that was overly feminine, to current me that looks drastically more male. But all those years between "before" and "after" had a lot of shades of androgyny. And I also like that there are pics of me at 17 in which I looked very similar to how I do now, minus the beard.
For new pics of my face, I'm usually thinking they're okay unless the lighting, colours, angle or picture quality is particularly bad. But it's very rare that I feel very satisfied about a pic of my face. It's usually just "meh, it'll do."
Do you recognize yourself in the old photos or not anymore?
- Yeah I recognise myself in them. I feel the memories those pictures bring up, and I was the same person back then, for the most part at least. If not else, I recognise that that's who/how I was at that time. Some things changed, other things didn't.
Is there something you liked about your 'old face' and wish that was still there? Or did you use to hate all your facial features before? Has this changed now?
- Well the things I liked about my "old face" never went away, so... I mean, I liked my big bulky nose, my thick arched eyebrows, my green eyes, my fair skintone, my thin lips. Stuff like that which hasn't changed, or has improved if anything, like my eyebrows. I like my face better now, but I never really hated it to begin with.
Were you ever scared of the possible/inevitable changes...? (even a little bit? even if you were waiting for them?)
- No I don't think I was. Maybe a little bit worried about losing my hair cause that would affect how my face looks whether I can have hair to frame it or not. But in terms of direct face changes, I don't think so. I definitely wanted facial hair and a wider jaw. I got that and not much more, and I was never scared of those changes. When I started T it was more like I thought "let's see what this can do" and I didn't really have much of any worries about what would or wouldn't happen.
Is there something that surprised you in your facial changes after being on hormones you didn't expect?
- I didn't expect for my hairline to get higher at the temples, but I wanted it to, so that was a nice and very welcomed surprise. I didn't know that was a possible change to get from T, but deeply desired a more male hairline. I think that frames my face more nicely now. I knew about most changes one can get from taking T, but some had slipped my radar, somehow.
When you now see yourself in the mirror, do you see an obvious man or a woman - or do you still find 'gender flaws'?
- I do clearly see a man in the mirror, but not a masculine enough man. So yeah, I see "gender flaws" but not in a way that sort of "makes it or breaks it", but rather beyond just passing. Somehow I wonder if that makes me seem greedy... but I'm not too proud to admit that I'm vain though!
Do you now resemble more your famele/male relatives?
- I'd say somewhat. My mother says I look more like my father now, but with the significant age difference it's hard for me to see that. However I've seen picture of him from when he was in his 20's and he did look a lot like how I look now.
I also think I look a little bit like my uncle, on my mother's side, but again, the age difference makes comparison difficult for me. I don't have any brothers and don't think I look similar to my male cousins that are a bit closer to my age (youngest one is around 10 years older than me).
I used to look very similar to my sister, which people used to comment on all the time, but now we don't look very similar at all. Now people tend to be surprised when they find out that we're siblings.
Is your face a big part of your identity as an individual?
- No, I don't consider any part of my body to be part of my identity. I see it more as a vessel or a canvas, something I have to drag around for better or worse. As for my face, I don't know. I'm not sure what I'm ranting about... what do you mean by "identity"? I feel a little confused...
Do you feel like this more after being on hormones?
- I'm not sure. I've always felt very detached from my body in general, beyond just dysphoria but not like dysmorphia, and I only connect to it on occasion by certain things I do. Like when I meditate sometimes, do certain religious practices, when I have sex, etc. But otherwise there's always a distance between me and my body, like very mild, almost constant dissociation. It's more connected to me now gender-wise, which is a huge relief, but fact remains I'm still disconnected to it in basically all other regards.
Do you now see 'you' when you look in the mirror?
- No, I still don't see myself in the mirror, but I see a face that's closer to mine. I know I have a different face in my mind, but it's not extremely different. Like sibling-different, kind of, or a photoshopped version. I think I focus so much on that mental image I have of myself that when I look in the mirror I get surprised that it's not what I expected. But it doesn't bother me much. I actually live rather comfortably pretending that I look different than I actually do. And I think a lot of my confidence comes from that I think of myself looking better than I think I actually do. Meaning, I carry myself thinking I look better and that strengthens me a bit. I don't think I'll ever truly reach that goal, but I appreciate every little step that brings me closer to it, and reaching 100% is not necessary.
Yeah, you really had a lot of questions, but I don't mind at all! Kept me from boredom for a couple of hours!
So... here's a book of replies from me...
(I wonder if there's a limit to how long texts we can put in each post here, by the way. I guess I'm gonna notice at some point!)
