Ever since I was young, the thought of being female was fascinating. Sure, it didn't consume my life, but it was an idea I couldn't shake until I managed to convince myself that there was no way. In 2016 this all came to a head when I decided I was Trans. I managed to tell two people. Then my relationship of four years fell apart. Since then, i realized that the fact my ex was so against me being Janine rather than Justin was not rooted in religious faith, as she had told me. It was rooted in pure narcissism. If she wasnt getting every shred of sympathy she could, she had to make herself a victim somehow, and my Trans-ness would get in the way of that if I ever told anyone. I was shamed for coming out not only to her but to my friend at the time. Eventually I decided to bury this, saying if I must be Justin, I would, I was tough, I could survive it.
So I buried my feelings and was content for a time, only because I managed to convince myself that I would never look how I wanted, that it was wrong, everything I could think of. Somehow, though, femininity bled into my writings, as Janine Malanoche and Climbing Rose, Bleach and MLP OCs respectively, were now a thing. I often read fiction with Trans characters in it, as I felt their joy and pain. I still had myself convinced that transitioning and hrt were not an option, nor something I even wanted. See, that's the thing. Sometimes, I wish I were more feminine. Other times I don't even think about it. Others I am miserable because of what I cannot become, because all the surgeries and meds in the world, and I would still feel like I wasnt truly how I wanted to be.
Since last night, I've been at that point. It all began when a friend of mine said her partner came out to her. The flood of emotions, the longing, the jealousy, the pain...
Ill admit, im jealous. Jealous that Cerenity gets to exist, get accepted, get loved, while Janine does not.
I can never tell her. I can't tell Cerenity. I can't tell the woman I love, for that would probably obliterate the best relationship I have ever had. Worst case, they would think im just jumping on some crazy bandwagon. They are the last three friends that my ex wasnt able to turn against me. They are where I turn when I can't stand to be alone. And now, I can't risk letting any of them in.
