Hey guys,
haven't posted in awhile. Figured I'd start a thread about this subject, I'm sure it's gonna speak to quite a few people out there.
I've had chronic depression for 2-3 years before I started my transition (or even discovered that I was trans). For the longest time, I didn't even know that it was caused by subconscious dysphorias. There were a lot of factors that made me feel like a ''freak''. I was in a very serious relationship at the time with a heterosexual Cis male, and once we finally discovered together that I needed to start transitioning, it ended us. I'd been meeting with a therapist for awhile and the ''breakthrough'' about my gender identity took awhile to come. I think it's something I'd been burying so deep inside myself I struggled to access it or accept it, even though I thought and behaved like a man already.
Fast forward through the start of transition (and the hassle of finally having access to T) - I'm a year in at this point. I'm in a long-distance relationship with an American (we're not sure when we'll finally manage to be together; we're both homosexual and trans), working a bit of a dead-ender job with few hours and looking for something full time for the summer until I manage to get accepted into University, and doing some management tasks for a local wrestling company while getting trained to become a wrestler. I pass everywhere I go, my name and gender ticker were officially changed, but I'm still not yet sure what I'm gonna do about operations (hysto, top, and bottom). I'd like a full male body, but I'm terrified of the possibility of being unable to train for awhile, and what it's gonna do to general morale. I'm still depressed, and I'm running out of ideas what to do to get out of that groove. I meditate regularly, I eat well, I work out, socialize, regularly challenge myself and learn new skills, and I'm starting to accept my body better, even just one year on T and pre operations.
Anyone else stuck in that kind of morbid mindset a year in? Like, half the time you can't explain why you're so anxious and terrified (with frequent thoughts about death, sudden loss, or grief). I've been telling myself maybe there's a lot I still need to let go of - and it doesn't happen overnight, or my brain's been on the ''depression'' track for so long it's gonna take me awhile to get out of it - even with things progressively starting to make more sense. It doesn't help to be away from my boyfriend, not getting much but crappy jobs until I start studying, but those things are temporary and I know I'll get into school soon, and be able to marry that man.
It just feels like trusting life is such a huge part of this whole process that at times it's easy to start thinking ''what if the worst happens''.
I'd love to hear some feedback and stories related to that sort of depression, and maybe tips on how to work with it without downspiraling into a jaded mindstate where you become practically numb, with really tall walls around you. It feels I'm pretty much there right now, trying to shut things out and just persevere. Any advice would help.
