Hi everyone... 

Had a really rough day yesterday.   My wife and I tried to get intimate on the week end, and I was not able to perform for her....second time in a row.   She was great asking what she could do to help me, and all I could think was "I am a woman".  I finally told her I need to feel accepted and present to her as "me".   She told me she is not ready, and does not think she will / may not ever be ready.   I was crushed, and still feel so a lone. 

She deserves to be happy, and I don't want to ruin her or other peoples lives.   

Any shared experiences or advice would be appreciated.   

Big hug!

Now the problem is out in the open and you work on a solution. Initial reactions aren't always people's final thoughts.

Here's your kick in the ass for the day: The answer to a problem isn't "I'm crushed". The answer is "Watch me solve the problem"   

You need to keep the honesty flowing back and forth. It hurts sometimes but it's your only hope.

Best wishes!

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Karen on April 09, 2018, 06:12:19 AM
Hi everyone... 

Had a really rough day yesterday.   My wife and I tried to get intimate on the week end, and I was not able to perform for her....second time in a row.   She was great asking what she could do to help me, and all I could think was "I am a woman".  I finally told her I need to feel accepted and present to her as "me".   She told me she is not ready, and does not think she will / may not ever be ready.   I was crushed, and still feel so a lone. 

She deserves to be happy, and I don't want to ruin her or other peoples lives.   

Any shared experiences or advice would be appreciated.

Hi Karen

The good is you were honest with her. I have not had that experience with a wife but I did with a girl friend. This is a really difficult situation and respecting how she feels no matter how it makes you feel will keep honest communication going both ways.

The honesty and respect I gave my girl friend many years ago allowed her to deal with what she needed to deal with in her own way. This is every bit as difficult for our partners as it is for us.

Honesty, respect and remaining peacefully patient will lead to the best out come for both of you. She must deal with this in her way and time. We cannot predict an out come in these situations. Continue to love her unconditionally.

When I dealt with this situation with my girl friend she couldn't be in a lesbian relationship and I respect her for that she is not gay. The amazing thing about her and I is that we still remained best friends. In January 1998 she moved in with me and we have been sharing this home ever since. She is my biggest supporter.

Allow your wife to process her feelings because she has not had to deal with these in the past. Its a new obstacle and she needs to find her way over that obstacle.

I send my best wishes for peace to both of you.

Jalene

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Maybe a good middle step would be to slowly change your lovemaking to be more aligned with who you are, but without changing your presentation. It might be easier for your wife to explore new positions, new erogenous zones, new movements, new toys -- while still *seeing* the person she is familiar with. I know for my spouse and I, gradual steps have proved to work. They are not so taboo or different or overwhelming to me and they help validate my spouse's identity. Sometimes we may start off with my spouse in the more traditionally female position and I will stimulate their nipples and breasts. We might use some toys. And then it might switch back to PIV by the end. You can build up slowly and not even start off by stressing the girl-on-girl aspect too much, if it scares her off.

I do worry about one day my spouse possibly being unable to perform in the same ways we did in the past, but until that day comes I figure we ought to try to be as close and intimate as possible. That way we will be stronger if and when we have to face that situation.

Someone here sent me some links to ideas in the bedroom. I think this was one: http://www.wewomen.com/relationships/album962601/lesbian-kama-sutra-100-sex-positions-for-women-0.html

Hope that wasn't TMI. Good luck. It is all a complex dance of revolving compromises.

We have got to the point where She doesn't feel like being intimate because She isn't lesbian in the slightest and apart from a non functional set of tackle I no longer look male in the slightest. Still married and living in the same house, co parenting though. The hardest thing becomes the fact that e has woken up a side of me I had given up on years ago. It does hurt, but its also a good affirmation that the process works! Not sure what the solution is, long term I suspect its either an open relationship, or an amiable split.

Give your wife time, Karen. I would agree with what Gallinarosa suggests. My partner too finds penetration difficult (he can still do it, but I feel his heart isn't in it!), so our intimacy has become much more 'female' based, lots of caressing, stroking, mutual masturbation, using sex toys etc. He isn't on HRT yet, so his feelings and reactions are all psychological. And of course he still looks like him. This make it easier for me to cope with. Is this something you could work on with your wife? She may not be open to anything other than 'traditional' sex, but would she be willing to try?

Hope you can work things out in time.

Syl.

Thank you all for your wishes and advice.   Please keep it coming.   I am into my second day of being lonely and depressed...feeling like there is a now win solution.  I respect her and the many people in my life and the last thing I want is to hurt them.....,and I just want to be me.   Thank you for the encouragement.    Feeling so lost.

Karen, I used Viagra for a time. it helped with an erection. Eventually even that did not work. My ex had no interest in anything other than PIV. We did not adapt our intimacy and eventually could not be interment.

There are many ways to be intimate and many ways to express your love. Your intimacy is changing and being open and able to discuss it and what the both of you need in intimacy is key. No pressure and things may take some experimenting to find what works and it may require some trial and error and retry.

Rach

Quote from: Forest Spirit on April 09, 2018, 07:42:33 AM
Hi Karen

The good is you were honest with her. I have not had that experience with a wife but I did with a girl friend. This is a really difficult situation and respecting how she feels no matter how it makes you feel will keep honest communication going both ways.

The honesty and respect I gave my girl friend many years ago allowed her to deal with what she needed to deal with in her own way. This is every bit as difficult for our partners as it is for us.

Honesty, respect and remaining peacefully patient will lead to the best out come for both of you. She must deal with this in her way and time. We cannot predict an out come in these situations. Continue to love her unconditionally.

When I dealt with this situation with my girl friend she couldn't be in a lesbian relationship and I respect her for that she is not gay. The amazing thing about her and I is that we still remained best friends. In January 1998 she moved in with me and we have been sharing this home ever since. She is my biggest supporter.

Allow your wife to process her feelings because she has not had to deal with these in the past. Its a new obstacle and she needs to find her way over that obstacle.

I send my best wishes for peace to both of you.

Jalene

Sent from my SM-J320VPP using Tapatalk

I could see living with an ex girlfriend working if I were to fully transition, in fact that would be pretty great to have such a close friend.

My wife has said that if I fully transition, she couldn't be married to me, but that we could live together as best friends, but I don't know if I could do that. I imagine it would be extremely difficult for me to see her dating again, or difficilt for her to see me date again.

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Quote from: amydane on April 10, 2018, 06:51:46 AM
I could see living with an ex girlfriend working if I were to fully transition, in fact that would be pretty great to have such a close friend.

My wife has said that if I fully transition, she couldn't be married to me, but that we could live together as best friends, but I don't know if I could do that. I imagine it would be extremely difficult for me to see her dating again, or difficilt for her to see me date again.

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Hi amydane

It is wonderful to have such a deep friendship that we can continue living together. Our intimate relationship as a couple was every bit as deep. The changing dynamic of our relationship was very difficult for both of us. Both of us certainly did think about the feelings we would have if or when seeing the other with another person.

It hurt to think about it. Jealousy would suddenly show its ugly ways. But we survived and developed a very intimate freindship through honesty and mutual respect. Everything between us remained intact except sexual intimacy.

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Quote from: amydane on April 10, 2018, 06:51:46 AM
I could see living with an ex girlfriend working if I were to fully transition, in fact that would be pretty great to have such a close friend.

My wife has said that if I fully transition, she couldn't be married to me, but that we could live together as best friends, but I don't know if I could do that. I imagine it would be extremely difficult for me to see her dating again, or difficilt for her to see me date again.

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk

Amydane, how long was it into your 10 year HRT journey that your wife could accept seeing you at home enfemme?   

My dysphoria is quite strong, given years of suppression.  I have a strong suspicion my therapist is going to recommend HRT, and I am worried about body changes and the impact it might have further on our relationship.   

I continue to look for advice around hiding HRT body changes, and making it work at home...

Thanks,

Karen

Hi again everyone...

In a better place emotionally than a couple of days ago.  Wow was that rough.   

As I reflect on this intimacy and libitto question....Do any of you have experience with the loss of libitto in general during your early transition?   

I am not yet on HRT, but I am not aroused nearly as much as before I realized I was transgender and began acknowledging and expressing it.   And I don't have the same desire to climax on my own, let alone with my wife.   

Any one have any experience they can share?

Thank you

Karen

PS - I have accepted that I am transgender, and found ways to acknowledge my inner female self - makeup, panties, etc...which I am wondering if it is impacting this.   The dysphoria is stronger than ever. 

Quote from: Karen on April 10, 2018, 04:33:03 PM
Hi again everyone...

In a better place emotionally than a couple of days ago.  Wow was that rough.   

As I reflect on this intimacy and libitto question....Do any of you have experience with the loss of libitto in general during your early transition?   

I am not yet on HRT, but I am not aroused nearly as much as before I realized I was transgender and began acknowledging and expressing it.   And I don't have the same desire to climax on my own, let alone with my wife.   

Any one have any experience they can share?

Thank you

Karen

PS - I have accepted that I am transgender, and found ways to acknowledge my inner female self - makeup, panties, etc...which I am wondering if it is impacting this.   The dysphoria is stronger than ever.

I find the lack of libido to be liberating. Though, to be fair, e wakes up another kind of need for closeness rather than release that is, in the long term, far more satisfying. I have also found that when I do want climax its very different and lasts a lot longer. Men are short changed in that department.

I walked this path as well.  My last girlfriend-I loved her and she had teenage kids whomI loved too.  But sex was a problem.   Even though my block and tackle worked, I just didn't want to do that anymore.  I knew things were doomed because we had a kind of moreLesbian sex and she climaxed.  The next day she was crabby and cranky  because no PIV.  That said, I've seen a couple of gay male bottom/bottom couples work.  I think if you like/love each other enough to find alternative means of sex it can work.  (One of my gay male/ drag queen friends and I had a pact to live together if we were both alone at a certain date.)   Or become a celibate couple.   There are ways to make it work.   If I was still dating that same woman,I would probably take her to a bi swingers party so we both could get what we prefer and then go home.  (She was open to experimentation).  The odd thing is that I find sex boring these days.  I never really liked the act as much as I liked getting men to hooking up if that makes sense.

Quote from: Karen on April 10, 2018, 04:33:03 PM
Hi again everyone...

In a better place emotionally than a couple of days ago.  Wow was that rough.   

As I reflect on this intimacy and libitto question....Do any of you have experience with the loss of libitto in general during your early transition?   

I am not yet on HRT, but I am not aroused nearly as much as before I realized I was transgender and began acknowledging and expressing it.   And I don't have the same desire to climax on my own, let alone with my wife.   

Any one have any experience they can share?

Thank you

Karen

PS - I have accepted that I am transgender, and found ways to acknowledge my inner female self - makeup, panties, etc...which I am wondering if it is impacting this.   The dysphoria is stronger than ever.

My drive and ability tanked, then partially came back. I describe it as passing through a zero period on the trip from a T driven system to one running on E. (Not empty!  )

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Karen on April 10, 2018, 11:50:23 AM
Amydane, how long was it into your 10 year HRT journey that your wife could accept seeing you at home enfemme?   

My dysphoria is quite strong, given years of suppression.  I have a strong suspicion my therapist is going to recommend HRT, and I am worried about body changes and the impact it might have further on our relationship.   

I continue to look for advice around hiding HRT body changes, and making it work at home...

Thanks,

Karen

My wife has come along with her understanding of dysphoria and what it means to be transgender over our 14 years together. It has been quite a process. Looking back, it started on our honeymoon when I put on her chemise. She though it was super funny (she didn't know yet that I was transgender). Our first Halloween, I dressed to the nines as a woman, and her comment was "you are beautiful". Fast forward a few years, and I explained to her what dysphoria and transgender were. It took a few years from there for her to come to not be uncomfortable with me fully dressed.

Over the past six years we have gone out to parks, stores, and other placed about 10 times when I was dressed as a woman, but she has seen me fully dressed way more than that. Early on it was more difficult for her. It helps her that when I'm in a suit and tie, or dress shirt and tie, that she sees a man five days a week. There is something about those outfits that helps her image of me. I usually dress fully like a woman every other month at a minimum. I like to keep really busy, so it makes its hard if I dress up more often than that because I don't feel like I can do my usual errands as a woman without coming out to neighbors and friends.

I am still trying to figure out things with my wife. I can't guarantee that I will always be okay not fully transitioning. Maybe in the future I will feel the need to fully live as a woman, if that day comes I will have some tough decisions to make. Until then, at least testosterone won't be destroying my self image anymore.

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I feel fortunate that my wife has always hated penetrative intercourse. It actually came as a relief to her when I came out admitted that I never actually enjoyed penetrating her.

We enjoy other things and sex definitely does not have to involve an erect penis. You may have some struggles with your wife if she really enjoys penetrative intercourse. My wife really enjoys the increased cuddling, more touching, and soft gentle stimulation of her clitoris with my fingers. She is actually happy that penetration is a thing of the past now.

You may want to have a discussion with your wife about what she really enjoys. If she can live without penetration then in all honesty your sex life might end up better than it ever was before. Once you start exploring sexuality outside of penetration, you have a lot more to choose from and can enjoy a greater variety.

If penetration is a must, there are options. You can wear a "strap-on", you can use a dildo, or you may be able to stimulate yourself enough to get hard for penetration.

Quote from: Karen on April 10, 2018, 04:33:03 PM
Hi again everyone...

In a better place emotionally than a couple of days ago.  Wow was that rough.   

As I reflect on this intimacy and libitto question....Do any of you have experience with the loss of libitto in general during your early transition?   

I am not yet on HRT, but I am not aroused nearly as much as before I realized I was transgender and began acknowledging and expressing it.   And I don't have the same desire to climax on my own, let alone with my wife.   

Any one have any experience they can share?

Thank you

Karen

PS - I have accepted that I am transgender, and found ways to acknowledge my inner female self - makeup, panties, etc...which I am wondering if it is impacting this.   The dysphoria is stronger than ever.

Hi, Karen, yes I have experience with lack of libido after coming out. In fact I just came out a few weeks ago and experienced a complete libido crash. It just started coming back in the last few days (unfortunately). I hate my male libido and was so happy to have a couple of weeks free from it.

The mind and emotions are unbelievably powerful. All the years I managed engage in the male sex act even while hating it, and yet once I admitted the truth about who I am I suddenly found that I couldn't make myself do it anymore.

My wife's reaction was not entirely positive. She wasn't upset about not having intercourse (she's always hated it anyway) but felt self conscious when she realized I wasn't getting erections with her. It made her wonder if I still found her attractive. She has never particularly liked my erections, but they signal something to her that is meaningful to her. In her mind, my erections are an indication of my level of interest in her.

There is also the the fact that I'm not pestering her for sex anymore. Although she complained endlessly about my obsession with sex, once it stopped she suddenly had doubts about my attraction to and interest in her. Weird how you can hate something until you don't have it and then suddenly appreciate it after it's gone.

Quote from: BlueJaye on April 11, 2018, 01:33:08 PM
Hi, Karen, yes I have experience with lack of libido after coming out. In fact I just came out a few weeks ago and experienced a complete libido crash. It just started coming back in the last few days (unfortunately). I hate my male libido and was so happy to have a couple of weeks free from it.

The mind and emotions are unbelievably powerful. All the years I managed engage in the male sex act even while hating it, and yet once I admitted the truth about who I am I suddenly found that I couldn't make myself do it anymore.

My wife's reaction was not entirely positive. She wasn't upset about not having intercourse (she's always hated it anyway) but felt self conscious when she realized I wasn't getting erections with her. It made her wonder if I still found her attractive. She has never particularly liked my erections, but they signal something to her that is meaningful to her. In her mind, my erections are an indication of my level of interest in her.

There is also the the fact that I'm not pestering her for sex anymore. Although she complained endlessly about my obsession with sex, once it stopped she suddenly had doubts about my attraction to and interest in her. Weird how you can hate something until you don't have it and then suddenly appreciate it after it's gone.

Thanks BlueJaye

All your examples  are so similar.   My wife now thinks something is wrong or missing, when she rarely wanted intercourse.   

I find that I love it when I have the ability to acknowledge my inner female self with make up, mannerisms and clothes....so happy and at peace .   It don't like getting an erection at all, and it does not happen very often.  I tuck all the time to feel and look right.     I do have a desire to be close and for intimacy but as a women.   

Open to any and all advice.

Thanks

Karen

Karen, first I want to say that not being allowed to dress / present for sex the way I want to would be intolerable. If that's what you needed to be aroused enough for both of you on have the pleasure of intercourse then asking you to do otherwise is honestly cruel in addition to effectively sandbagging mutual pleasure. I'm no saying she intends that ... it's clear she doesn't understand.

Viagra is unlikely to help, it's effect depends on the presence of arousal and if that's absent, it will only give you the side effects.

I remember all to well, right around the time I told my GF I needed to transition one time in bed when I was just feeling awful, knowing she was not wanting me to transition. I was on the verge of tears and while I was still keeping it up I had to fake orgasm to end it before I was going to lose my erection and have to explain why 😥. I promised myself right then I would not put myself in that position again.

I was in a nominally more open situation than the OP, I'd started presenting femme for sex shortly before I met my GF and in 17 years had never presented otherwise so really, she ought to think transition was on the table.

Also for the decade prior I shifted to basically never reaching orgasm during penetration and eventually often not wanting orgasm at all, only to press myself closer than close, to feel intimacy. It's not that I ever didn't like my libido, I just have a very different feeling about it now.

And all this progressed before  I started HRT. My body and mind had been forcing them issue. Of course I'm now a year post op and her actually made me more jprny, just l3ss obsessive about it. I fear I may be at the Rubicon again, in fact right around the Ides of March I really began to feel my ambivalence in sex with someone who continues to gender me as male. We've made it a long time and I'm not giving up on it yet, yet I'm finding I want to be with someone who can give me pleasure he same way I do her.

I do hope we get there and I also need to allow for the possibility that we both may be better off in different primary relationships.