Right now, I don't want to transition. I have been married for 32 years. I am now 58. I suffer from tremendous gender dysphoria. Even though I have told her I don't want to transition, my wife has trouble with me feeling like a woman in a man's body. But, she can't know the pain and suffering I have had all my life from being TG, something I finally discovered at age 56. So here's my story ~

I blocked out a lot of my childhood ~ too emotionally traumatic. When I was 4 or 5, I had fantasies about going to a ballet class in a leotard and tights and having the other girls not recognize me as a boy. I played with a girl across the street. I only remember playing with her dolls, but since I only have two older brothers, I must of played dress up with her, likely wearing her dance class clothes since I knew about ballet class, but I don't remember. Then one day, my Mom told my girlfriend's mom that I will no longer be playing because boys don't play with girls. I only remember feeling very embarrassed and ashamed.

During puberty, and maybe earlier, I dressed in my mom's underwear in secret a lot. I don't know if I just didn't put things back neatly, I stretched out my mom's hose or I got caught, but I think they knew since throughout puberty and my teen years my father would constantly tell me, and not my brothers as I later found out, that a man should have as much sex with as many women as possible. He probably didn't know about TG and thought I was gay.

Due to repression of TG feelings, I had severe anxiety and depression and horrible OCD from an early age. I took overdoses of Valium on several occasions in my late teens. Before I knew the cause of my depression I had ECT which of course doesn't cure gender dysphoria. I think about killing myself often.

I repressed my TG feelings for years. Many times when I was away at conferences I would buy pantyhose without my wife knowing I was excited by women's lingerie. Wearing them always left me feeling ashamed and depressed ~ I'm sure from feeling ashamed as a kid.

Now I am 58 and have finally come out to my wife after a year of therapy. My wife was supportive at first, but now my marriage is rocky. She accepted me shaving my body and wearing panties, pantyhose and bras under my clothes for a while, but soon realized that she didn't want to be married to a TG, even if I wasn't going to transition. She told me if she knew that I was TG she wouldn't have even dated me. I know that if I transition I will end up alone, losing my wife, disturbing relationships with my kids, and losing all my relationships with my friends. I hate that I am TG ~ don't want any part of it, but I can't get away from wanting to be a woman. I am certain that being alone as a TG woman will worsen my already horrible depression and I am worried that I will kill myself. So I chose the best of two evils for me and have horrible gender dysphoria. It is a no win situation for me.

Hi karen, I'm so sorry you're struggling with so much on your plate. I am in a position where it would be unfeasible for me to transition as well, and just because that's the better choice, doesn't mean it's all sunshine and rainbows.

Have you ever read any of Felix Conrad's books? Much of his writing is geared toward non-transitioning people. He has a book about dealing with dysphoria that I read recently, and it includes great advice for living non-binary. It raised so many points I hadn't considered before, and gave me some solid footing for figuring out what I needed to do to live authentically with myself. (I binge read all of his books in about a week because they were so insightful.)

I understand a lot of partners are deathly afraid of "losing" the person they loved, and being trans is so incomprehensible to someone who hasn't experienced it, that it makes sense for them to feel threatened. I think it can shake other people's sense of identity, too, if they were unprepared for it.

Do you know what your wife's fears are? Does she want to stay married otherwise? Is the communication between you healthy?

My partner is relatively open-minded and was accepting of my identity as a concept--but once it came to talking about what it means for us in the bedroom, he got really defensive. It's been a two steps forward, one step back process with us.

The moments in which he expressed disgust for certain things were really painful. I think there's nothing worse than having your partner express strong, negative emotions like that in response to you being vulnerable and revealing who you are at your deepest core.

It's challenging because we're not only dealing with our own emotions coming out--but we have to be strong and wait out whatever our partners are feeling, too.

You deserve respect, too, don't forget that. I hope you can reach a place of mutual understanding with your wife and find an outlet that lessens your dysphoria. Wishing you the best.

Quote from: karenk1959 on April 03, 2018, 12:00:23 PM
But, she can't know the pain and suffering I have had all my life from being TG, something I finally discovered at age 56.

Due to repression of TG feelings, I had severe anxiety and depression and horrible OCD from an early age. I took overdoses of Valium on several occasions in my late teens. Before I knew the cause of my depression I had ECT which of course doesn't cure gender dysphoria. I think about killing myself often.

I repressed my TG feelings for years.

I am certain that being alone as a TG woman will worsen my already horrible depression and I am worried that I will kill myself.

This tells me there are two possibilities. The first is your wife hasn't entered couples consoling with you and is not aware of how serious this is. It also possible that is she is aware and refuses to consider any other option. You can't be expected to make all the sacrifices in the relationship and if you need to, you should consider if this relationship is worth it.

I would suggest you bring you post and my response to your next therapy session. You have few options but I am not sure your current decision will work for more than the short term.

Hello, Karen.  I'm sorry for your struggle. A supportive partner is every TG's dream but we're not all so lucky. You obviously have a long history with your wife. Are there any other parts of the relationship that could be strengthened? If so, a refocus on your wife' needs might soften her stance about being TG. I'm in a similar situation, 55 and married, still thinking about coming out to my wife.  The hope is that she sees the behavior as a non-threatening quirk. Our relationship is as good as its ever been, but I know there are no guarantees. You can't force acceptance.

Making a decision not to fully transition is a tough decision.  Certainly a painful one.  With time I hope your wife will see it for the sacrifice that it is.

Wishing you the best.

To Blackcat and Claritee,

Thank you so very much for your supportive insights! Every little bit helps!

I will check out the book you recommended ~

QuoteYou can't be expected to make all the sacrifices in the relationship and if you need to, you should consider if this relationship is worth it.

Hi Dena ~

I do appreciate your response, but, you assume my wife is not making any sacrifices and I have a deep love for my wife so it is not so cut and dry. 32 years of marriage is a long time!

I understand that your wife is making some sacrifices otherwise your marriage wouldn't have lasted this long. The problem is being transgender requires that both of you determine what the new rules will be for your marriage. Sure for the short term you will be able to suppress your feelings but your post indicates it may come down to a question discussed on this site. Would your wife rather know Karen or attend your funeral? I reached this point once and it was the start of my journey. I am hoping that you can avoid this life or death decision by finding a way reduce or eliminate the depression your currently experiencing. How much Karen will need to come out, I don't know. This is something your therapist, your wife and you will need to discover.

Blackcat, thank you for the Felix Conrad recommendation. Just what I needed to read right now. Your comments to Karen seem especially thoughtful.  I'm guessing you're a therapist.

I've had two dear friends who suffered very similar circumstances.  In both cases they eventually transitioned.  In both cases my friends truly and deeply felt TG almost from their earliest years.  Owing to the usual societal and work pressures they pursued the usual non-TG lifestyle; being manly, fathering children, etc.  Inevitably, their true nature could no longer be contained and they came out.  In neither case was the wife initially or subsequently supportive...In both cases my friends were confronted with ultimatums...which amounted to...forget who you are and be who we (wife, children & friends) want and need you to be.  So, yes, both decided to capitulate to save their non-TG lifestyle.
Their surrender proved fruitless.  1. inner most TG identity remained strong, if even more concentrated than ever. 2. Despite therapy, the wives would not and could not accept that their husbands were a TG. 3. Despite my friends' efforts to embrace the non-TG lifestyle, their spouses knew that my friends were merely pretending and that they remained deeply and truly TG.  The eventual result was that my friends finally had to acknowledge and embrace their true nature, transition and live with the outcomes.  While sad in so many ways you can't, as in the Poe's Fall of the House of Usher, bury alive that part of yourself for long.
Wishing you the best....

Quote from: karenk1959 on April 03, 2018, 12:00:23 PM
Right now, I don't want to transition. I have been married for 32 years. I am now 58. I suffer from tremendous gender dysphoria. Even though I have told her I don't want to transition, my wife has trouble with me feeling like a woman in a man's body. But, she can't know the pain and suffering I have had all my life from being TG, something I finally discovered at age 56. So here's my story ~

I blocked out a lot of my childhood ~ too emotionally traumatic. When I was 4 or 5, I had fantasies about going to a ballet class in a leotard and tights and having the other girls not recognize me as a boy. I played with a girl across the street. I only remember playing with her dolls, but since I only have two older brothers, I must of played dress up with her, likely wearing her dance class clothes since I knew about ballet class, but I don't remember. Then one day, my Mom told my girlfriend's mom that I will no longer be playing because boys don't play with girls. I only remember feeling very embarrassed and ashamed.

During puberty, and maybe earlier, I dressed in my mom's underwear in secret a lot. I don't know if I just didn't put things back neatly, I stretched out my mom's hose or I got caught, but I think they knew since throughout puberty and my teen years my father would constantly tell me, and not my brothers as I later found out, that a man should have as much sex with as many women as possible. He probably didn't know about TG and thought I was gay.

Due to repression of TG feelings, I had severe anxiety and depression and horrible OCD from an early age. I took overdoses of Valium on several occasions in my late teens. Before I knew the cause of my depression I had ECT which of course doesn't cure gender dysphoria. I think about killing myself often.

I repressed my TG feelings for years. Many times when I was away at conferences I would buy pantyhose without my wife knowing I was excited by women's lingerie. Wearing them always left me feeling ashamed and depressed ~ I'm sure from feeling ashamed as a kid.

Now I am 58 and have finally come out to my wife after a year of therapy. My wife was supportive at first, but now my marriage is rocky. She accepted me shaving my body and wearing panties, pantyhose and bras under my clothes for a while, but soon realized that she didn't want to be married to a TG, even if I wasn't going to transition. She told me if she knew that I was TG she wouldn't have even dated me. I know that if I transition I will end up alone, losing my wife, disturbing relationships with my kids, and losing all my relationships with my friends. I hate that I am TG ~ don't want any part of it, but I can't get away from wanting to be a woman. I am certain that being alone as a TG woman will worsen my already horrible depression and I am worried that I will kill myself. So I chose the best of two evils for me and have horrible gender dysphoria. It is a no win situation for me.

I think the difficult part of being a Significant Other is that transitioning directly impacts your SO's life. So, your SO really has to consider how the transition will affect them. Whether they stay or leave, they have to do what's best for them, just as you need to do what's best for you.

That said, transitioning does not directly impact your friends and children. I know if my spouse transitions, and we do not stay together, he has a wonderful network of friends and family that will be there for him. I think you should give your friends and family a chance to rise to the occasion.