After I realized I was trans (I am in my 30s) - which was something I didn't want to realize, I danced around it for as long as I could - I invested copious amounts of energy in all the reasons I didn't need to or shouldn't transition. And why I couldn't.

And just daring to think about that I might need to and how it would be good for me, or that I might want to, is the most painful and devastating and humiliating thing, because it means letting go of decades of lies and denial and feelings that were pushed so far away for me to survive. It's collapsing on top of me.

It's also impossible to reconstruct the lies I built for myself now that they've shattered.

I would have to prepare for my partner leaving me. I would have to be prepared to do it all on my own (and anyone sticking around or helping out would be just lucky). I don't THINK I would get fired, but I still have to be prepared for the possibility (I live in a fire-at-will state).

The scariest thought is that I need to do it and there's really no way forward unless I do it. And there's nothing more raw I could possibly do than turn into this secret person that has been locked away inside my head for all this time?? Raw is the only word I have. It's seriously the weirdest thing ever.

But beyond that, I think it would actually be good. Really good. The truth is, I'm miserable with my body now. And the ways in which I feel currently imprisoned would be alleviated by transitioning. I had to think long and hard what I would actually get out of going through with it.

It's just like... I can't believe it. So many emotions. I spent a good four hours on my day off crying under a blanket. (And then I felt better.  )

*I found a clinic that isn't too far from me, informed consent HRT, and a sliding scale for payment (until I could work out the details of getting insurance). So that's all really good. They have therapists there, too - I really need to talk to someone.

I feel like my mind is unraveling and I'm on a bullet train to crazy. I'm not doing bad things to myself or screwing up at life or anything, but I feel like I have all of these onion layers that are falling away and my brain is a handful of crumbling wet sand. Can anyone relate?? 

Thanks in advance.

Wow, thank you for sharing. I feel like I've been working through the same internal turmoil. I was just thinking earlier... dysphoria is like a timebomb, or actually a missle. Maybe a volcano even, since it's a natural occurrence... only difference is that we're erupting and it can literally turn life upside down. That's the hard part.
I wish I knew why this sort of suffering exists.

I also made every excuse imaginable years ago to completely discourage myself from ever considering transitioning.

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I have read comments from many people on this forum and I think all of them agree that if you are transgender the yearning to become your true self will never go away. You can hide it for a while, but eventually the feelings come back stronger than ever.

The moment I realized I was transgender was an epiphany. It hit me suddenly, and I knew at that moment I needed to transition. I was not ashamed or embarrassed, but I was frightened about what my future could hold. I feared the worst, that I could lose all of my friends and that my family would reject me. Telling my wife was the hardest part of all, and it took nearly a year before she accepted it. There were times when I was certain that she was going to leave, but I was patient. Within these last few weeks I think she has finally realized how much better our life together will be, and for the first time in years she is truly happy.

Research your company to see if they have policies concerning transgender employees. My company had extensive documentation that outlined everything, and it was very favorable towards the person transitioning. I transitioned about two months ago and have had no work issues at all.

Transitioning will turn you life upside down, but it will also most likely make it better in ways that you have not yet imagined. The anger and rage that I felt for decades are gone, I now have access to a more complete range of emotions, and physical contact with someone you love is much more sensual and rewarding.

I started my journey using informed consent, and it only took a few months for me to realize that I had indeed found my path to peace. Eventually I did seek out a therapist because I knew I would need to have a good relationship with one if I decided to get GCS, plus I hoped the therapist would be able to help my wife understand.

Don't wait too long to let your partner know what is going on, they probably already know something is happening. If they are going to leave it is probably better to get it over with, if they are going to stay then hopefully you have found a partner you can count on for the rest of your life. Although you can do this alone it is difficult, having someone you can confide in makes a big difference. Susan's Place is full of people you can talk to, ask questions, and who will provide love and support. You will never truly be alone.

By they way, all of the things that I feared would happen never occurred. My family still loves and accepts me, all of my friends are still my friends, and my wife is still at my side.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

Hi Blackcat,

Thank you for starting this thread. 

Paige

I didn't hide who I was but knowing who you are and being who you are overtly in every way shifts the paradigm. It's a leap. Aspects of it are humiliating for sure, especially at first. But there are worse things that could happen. Like never letting that person you actually are see the light of day before you die and facing yourself for it later down the line when it's too late to act. Besides, discovering more about who you really are is actually a fun process. You should try to enjoy it as much as possible.

Thanks, everyone, for the thoughtful replies.

This is great post that really digs in for a lot of people on here I'm sure. I felt with a lot of similar inner quarrels, and eventually lost, but I wanted to lose. I lost my marriage, but also realized a metric f-ton of things about myself in the process. I also realized that (luckily) my entire family was supportive on both sides, very supportive. The unfortunate truth is that at our age, we've usually established what people think our image is and who we are, but internally it's quite the opposite for trans people--especially those that have been suppressing it for so long (and yes people go waay longer).

Anyways, I really hope that things work out for you. I never had it from my wife, and that ended things fairly quickly, but at the same time, even though it was soooo hard and still is, it was so worth it. I'm happy with me and I love me for who I am. She doesn't and that's okay, I'll figure that out when and if the time is right. I would hope for any trans person that they have a good or somewhat strong support system because that will help. There are so many what ifs that you could spend forever what-ifing things, but why cheat yourself out of happiness? We've all been in low and hard places before, and during transition, don't expect it to do be easy--but if it is just relish in it even more. Either way, if it is truly who you are and what you want, your personal happiness will always tell you that you made the right decision. Welcome (; and I truly wish you the best of luck on your journey. Stay strong and read the best when you feel the worst, read the worst when you feel strong and remember why you chose what you did.

Blackcat, I can sure relate to your post.  I spent far too many decades in the kind of lies and denial that you describe so well.  I kept telling myself that transitioning was impossible for me.  And then the lies shattered for me, and the only way to keep my senity was to move forward.

I don't think you are on a bullet train to crazy.  I think you are in the process of jumping off that train onto the sanity express.  Yes, it's a wild ride for a while, but you will be so much happier with yourself this way.

Congratulations on making this move!

I was 19 when I came out and did not start till 26 to see a therapist. It's never to late to star a change in life.The one thing that really got me was I was reading some study of gender dysphoria and it was saying 28-33 is the years when there is the most pressure.The sad part was the people who came out in mid-life who have a lot more to lose.I told myself that's not me and I am making this decision before I have anything to lose.Also if you go to the top of the page you should read Susan's story.I could relate so much with her after reading that.Sorry if this post is old but if I can add support I will in anyway.I hope things get better.

Quote from: Coffeedrew on June 20, 2018, 09:59:56 PM
I was 19 when I came out and did not start till 26 to see a therapist. It's never to late to star a change in life.The one thing that really got me was I was reading some study of gender dysphoria and it was saying 28-33 is the years when there is the most pressure.The sad part was the people who came out in mid-life who have a lot more to lose.I told myself that's not me and I am making this decision before I have anything to lose.Also if you go to the top of the page you should read Susan's story.I could relate so much with her after reading that.Sorry if this post is old but if I can add support I will in anyway.I hope things get better.

I'd been thinking about being a woman since I was at least 13. Yeah, I felt femimine and like I should be before then, but I was actually happy with my breast growth at 13. I was chubby and it wasn't much, but for me I remember that feeling so right. I didn't start medically transitioning with hrt until last year in September at 27. But I kinda agree with that study. Just the thought of aging as a male made me uncomfortable. A few other life events made me really realize how short life is.

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