Yesterday I started spironolactone and estradiol pills.  I am vascillating between feeling very excited and very scared.  Sometimes I think, "What the hell are you doing?  Are you crazy?"  Sometimes I feel so proud of myself and so eager to meet the woman I'll become.  I can't picture my life as a woman yet but I can't imagine my future as a man either.  This isn't how I was expecting to feel.  I was expecting to feel elated, not this confusing mess of emotion.  Is this normal?  It seems like every transition narrative treats beginning hormones like the greatest thing in the world.  (By the way, I have a very long history of anxiety, self doubt, second guessing myself, etc).

Quote from: VaxSpyder on April 20, 2018, 12:36:43 PM
Yesterday I started spironolactone and estradiol pills.  I am vascillating between feeling very excited and very scared.  Sometimes I think, "What the hell are you doing?  Are you crazy?"  Sometimes I feel so proud of myself and so eager to meet the woman I'll become.  I can't picture my life as a woman yet but I can't imagine my future as a man either.  This isn't how I was expecting to feel.  I was expecting to feel elated, not this confusing mess of emotion.  Is this normal?  It seems like every transition narrative treats beginning hormones like the greatest thing in the world.  (By the way, I have a very long history of anxiety, self doubt, second guessing myself, etc).

Hi VAXSpyder- even without a long history of doubt, anxiety, and second guessing, it is normal to vacillate between elation and a sort of fear of the unknown.,.  But if this is what you want - THEN HURRAY!  and Congratulations.  I have been on HRT for 6 months now and I still vacillate up and down, but I am sure of the trajectory...and that does lead to elation!  I wish you the same whatever the final path!  I will say this is the place to get some support.  Let me know if I can help in anyway!

Love and Hugs, Marcie

The feelings you are experiencing are pretty normal. Be patient with yourself. changes come at different rates for different people. The excitement of taking this important step along your path to achieving your authentic self is to be enjoyed. The scariness of change, of making this decision and and of all the uncertainty of the future is also normal. With each day, with each step you take, the more confident you feel in yourself, the feelings will level out. Enjoy your journey! Hugs!

Hey, VaxSpyder, congratulations on starting HRT!

It is kind of a surreal experience.   All the buildup over years, all the fears, and here's the big moment, gonna actually do it!  Gulp!  (*Swallows pills*)  What?  Nothing happened?!!  It is kind of anticlimactic, which messes with the emotions.

But rest assured, soon you will feel that tingling in your nipples and you'll be on your way.

Thank you for the advice and encouragement, it really helped!

I think a little bit of fear is only natural. At the very least it shows you're taking it seriously. The elation will eventually come. Hopefully soon you'll look in the mirror and see the undeniable proof that you made the right decision. Congratulations on starting HRT and best of luck.