Hey everyone. So I'm in one of those what seems to be a monthly mood that makes me question myself and being transgender. It's like I have this inner voice telling me that I'm silly for thinking I could even remotely pass as a girl. It goes on to say that I am just a manly beefy dude who looks like a silly clown when wearing a dress...and if people saw me In a dress they would laugh to themselves. I hate feeling like this. It's like any confidence I've built up is wiped away because of my self sabotage.

Right now I'm writing this in between ab machine crunches at the gym. There is a beautiful girl across from me working her legs on the abductor machine. She's wearing skin tight black yogi pants and a equally tight hot pink tank top that hugs her incredible curves and flat stomach. Man she looks good! Cute little 5'3" blonde with a bouncy ponytail. (I'm a sucker for blondes and ponytails;) I wish so bad I could be like her. The voice is saying, "yeah right...keep dreaming...you're just a dude." Feeling like I feel right now just sucks. Does anyone have any advice for how they might deal with feeling like this?

We all get doubts, especially early in our journey.  Once HRT gets some time to work on you, you'll be amazed at what it can do.  It won't make you 5'3" unless you already are that height, but it can do amazing things with soft tissue. 

Don't cling to preconceptions of how you want to turn out.  If you start to think that your happiness depends on looking like her, you will be disappointed.  But if you remain open to your own unique transformation, you might be very happy with how you turn out.

I started HRT at age 62.  Now, a year later, my face is noticeably feminine, I have plausible, if unimpressive, breasts, and I even have the beginnings of some curves on my hips.

You should check out the before-and-after threads to see photos of people's transformations.  In a year or two, you could be posting there.  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,210798.0.html)

I agree with Kathy that doubt is part of the territory we travel.  But it does seem to set us on an even course.  You'll never lose height but you might gain the body you want with enough time on HRT, exercise and weight control.  Since you're in the gym you obviously are into a healthy you.  Congratulations.  Keep up the work.   

I agree you're at the gym, you deserve a pat on the back. I think doubting ourselves is normal. I know I do because I've had many times I'd get dressed, put on my hair and makeup even, only to take it all off and go to bed. It's all about what we're comfortable doing. I don't do this to impress or show anyone. I want to my inner peace and yes I get scared about wearing a dress too. I'm not tiny, people do tend to look at me. Some even laughed at me. My pictures are just at good angles and I know what works for me with photos. But it's hard in person. I'm hoping hrt can help me with that but I'm only a few months. Realistically I may need 2 years or more.

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We are all going to have doubt at some point or another. This is a huge undertaking for any of us and we all have to consider that the magnitude of our choices is overwhelming. Make doubt like any other emotion a part of your journey and feel good that you questioned yourself and are still here. That way you can look back on your journey and know you made the right choices and considerations.

Quote from: heather3791 on April 20, 2018, 07:14:50 PM


Right now I'm writing this in between ab machine crunches at the gym. There is a beautiful girl across from me working her legs on the abductor machine. She's wearing skin tight black yogi pants and a equally tight hot pink tank top that hugs her incredible curves and flat stomach. Man she looks good! Cute little 5'3" blonde with a bouncy ponytail. (I'm a sucker for blondes and ponytails;) I wish so bad I could be like her. The voice is saying, "yeah right...keep dreaming...you're just a dude." Feeling like I feel right now just sucks. Does anyone have any advice for how they might deal with feeling like this?

I second the congratulations on even being at the gym. I am still scared of going there. And I have a gym membership to.

As for the attractive woman part . I always tell myself when I am having those doubts, that not all women can pull off wearing tight yoga pants and look like a super model. But they are still women and so are you.

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I'm working through this very question with a therapist. I'm extremely jealous of women. But wait, it's only women who I think look good. I'm not jealous of women who don't. Why is that? Is the cause of this jealously ultimately sexual on some level? It could be.

So, we're working on my self-esteem and reducing jealousy. I'm also trying to become more fem physically and introducing some "fem" things like taking care of my nails, etc. I'll never be those hot, young things. But can I be a fem version of myself? Maybe. Or maybe I'm just David Bowie. But, instead of beating myself over the head, I decided to take the journey and see what it's all about. A guide is helpful here, get a therapist and unload all your feelings.

Celebrate your own uniqueness take comfort in knowing you're going forward the right way they say that time heals all and that patience is a virtue some day that cute little blonde might be jealous of some other features you have that she doesn't. Visualize on the long term and this is just a tiny bump along the way.  Best wishes love tatiana.