Hello everyone! I will call myself Martine and i'm 21 years old from Norway(Real name is Martin).. And I don't know who i am. I will tell you a little about my life, as i feel it is important in understanding who i am. I am very confused about my gender. I have been so for a couple of years, and i found this site via the world of warcraft forums(haha, yes actually..) When i was around 10, i wasn't with the other boys in school, i was more with the girls a couple of years older than me, and i enjoyed hanging out with them, and doing girly stuff. Ofcourse, people laughed at me for that, and i was quite alot bullied in primary and secondary school. During my puberty, i was in to girls. I've never really been in love with either girls or boys, but i've had a clear attraction to girls. Some boys though, really made me wonder if i was gay. During my friendship with girls, we've made jokes about "hey, let's put make up on you, martin!, that would be fun!" Actually, i wanted to do make-up, but as a male i had to hide this side of me, and act like i didn't want make up. I've also sometimes tried on girl clothes, and it made me feel more like a woman. I now live at my parents house, since i'm studying at the local school, so no privacy for crossdressing here.. And i really think kittens are SUPER-CUTE!
I really feel like a girl inside, but on the outside i'm a male. And i actually act like a male too, because i guess that's what everyone expects of me. I'm quite interested in computers and so on, quite the contrary to "girly interests". I've never really liked sports, but recently i've begun to do some weightlifting and dieting to loose weight. When i'm with good friends, i sometimes feel comfortable as a man, but when i'm alone, i let my thoughts fly, and try to imagine how life as a woman would be. How would my friends and family react, and so on.
Sorry if this post is a little messy, i've never been really good with writing stuff and organizing.. Anyways, i don't know if i'm supposed to be male or female, but i think i'm becoming more and more female in my head, if you understand.. Supposedly i found out about my identity, it would be impossible for me to "come out of the closet" where i live, because it's a village with around 4000 people, so if one knows, everyone does. Within the next year i'm moving to a town which is like 50 000 in population, so then that problem disappears.. And a new one comes; telling my family. I've never had a close relationship with my family, and i dare not even think about how it would be to tell them about this.. My mother has recently got cancer, and this would absolutely put alot more strain on her, and i do not wish for that.
Is there any way to find out who i am, except for a therapist? There are no such therapists in this area i live in, so it would be hard to come up with an excuse to travel to a place where there is one.. Atleast i don't think there is one here. I don't really know.
I like to play with the thought of me living a life as a woman, and i certainly like how that feels.
Now, a few questions, if anyone cares to answer :p
1, If i go through with all this, and when the SRS comes, how is the sexual side of being a woman? Is it non-existant, destroyed, or is it "working" down there, if you know what i mean..
2, How will changing be? I mean, will people be able to look at you and say, "hey, there's a transgender!" or will they just don't be able to classify me as either male or female? Going out around people, will they glare and wonder if that's a boy in girl clothes..
3, Telling people at work. Will i perhaps get some time off because of this, how are my colleagues going to handle it? I would feel so embarassed, because it's the way things work here in norway, atleast where i live.. People judge other people so fast it's ridicilous. If there are other norwegians here, please send me a PM so we can talk:)
This post became rather long, i'm sorry :p but i needed to get things off of my chest..
