Hi everyone! I haven't been on here much lately, I'm finally living in my new apartment and I didn't get the internet set up until last night, oops!

Things have been overwhelming to say the least. I spent my first night here on Saturday and it was also the first time I got drunk this year. As I was unpacking I opened up this one container that had a lot of stuff from my high school and early college days, it's where I always kept all my female clothes and wigs hidden back in the day. Opening it made me so emotional, it hit me really hard that my transition really has been a long time in the making and that I'm almost there. I plan on coming out to my parents this weekend and then on social media on Tuesday May 1st. The only trouble is that I haven't been feeling very feminine lately.

I've still been working my construction job and this past week has been very stressful. Tuesday was especially bad, I was having a rough day and everything that could go wrong went wrong. I was pretty much doing the work of 2 people and I was doing a lot of heavy lifting and I got very dirty and it was the first time we had a nice day all year and I got a minor sunburn!! Now I'm worried about having male tan lines right before I come out and plan on wearing women's clothes that show off a little more skin, ugh! Tomorrow is actually my last day on the job that I've been on since January. I've really been wanting to leave there for a while but now I'm starting to freak out a little because it's my first month in the new place and I want to make sure I can afford things. I SHOULD be able to just barely scrape by on unemployment benefits. I do have some money in savings still, so that will be a big help. I will probably take a week to get settled in to my apartment and then start a huge job search. I'm in a union so if I can't find a brand new job then I can always call the hiring hall and tell them I need work so I can get by until I find something else.

So a couple weeks ago I got my estrogen dose increased by my doctor and I think I'm starting to feel it already. a few days this week I was very irritable and my breasts hurt and I had a lot of crazy cravings lol. This happened to me too back in January a few weeks after an increase. I was starting to feel better today until I went over to my mom's house to move more of my stuff out of there. It was so weird to see my old bedroom mostly empty, and what was left was just a reminder of the person who I used to be that I don't like. But what bothered me was the I saw this one picture of me in there. It wasn't the pic that bugged me, it was actually a really cute pic of when I was 4. What bugged me is that I put this picture out on the mantle in the living room about a month or 2 ago, right next to 3 framed pictures of my younger sister, and my mom felt the need to put it back in my old room instead of keeping it on display with the rest of the family photos. I plan on coming out to her Sunday, and I feel like it's going to be harder now because I really don't feel like she loves me. She's always been distant and not very affectionate, and this is something I've talked about with my older sister a lot. My mom also felt like her mother didn't love her, and now she's passing that whole thing onto me. I pretty much started crying in my car as soon as I left.

I was a little bummed that my electrolysis appointment got cancelled this week. This is the 3rd one in the last 2 months that got cancelled. I really wanted to have most of the dark hairs in my mustache gone before I came out but I guess that just wasn't in the cards. Fortunately, I do have a meeting with my therapist on Saturday, so I can talk some stuff out with her.

I think Saturday night I'm going to have a few drinks and write my coming out letter to my dad and send it to him.

Wish me luck everyone!

[emoji20] Maddie, this makes me sad and nervous for you. Especially because you were drinking the other night and plan to again. Even getting "drunk" can be dangerous while on hrt so please let your doctor know for your safety. They may know from your lab results.
I think meeting with your therapist is a wise decision. Please know you have the support here and we're concerned about you.

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Hi Maddy,

  I understand your melancholy. A lot of little things can bother us and add up to something bigger. Drinking can neither bolster your courage nor help your distress. As an alcoholic I can say there is no problem that drinking cannot make worse. I have believed that for over 19 years now. Even when I've had to face I might die from cancer or the treatment for it the 3rd time it came back I didn't resort to a drink. Not even when I was thinking of doing myself in did I turn to alcohol. It is not an answer.
  The answer is to do what you are doing girl. Get on your own two feet. Create the life you want and take the problems as they come and resolve or come to terms with them. Yes I will wish you luck in that Hun. It can be daunting. It can be hard. And it can be wonderful as you do what you know you want to do. We are here for you if you need us. You have been doing well Maddie and you are going to keep doing well. I believe in you. You can do this.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks ladies

Ok, so I'm going to try not to drink this weekend, the more I think of it the more I don't want to. I made a rule for myself that I haven't broke yet, and that was to not drink out of negativity. So far I've kept it, the reason I drank last weekend was to celebrate my new apartment. This was my first time getting drunk since late December, and I felt kinda lousy the next day lol so yeah I guess I'll pass.

Maddie,

It sounds like you have quite a few items on your plate right now. In my experience when the changes come on too fast, I just focus on one item at a time. Work it through and then tackle another problem. I always try to keep my head clear and think these problems through to conclusion.

I do drink on occasion, but only to be sociable and never to the point of intoxication. If I must drive my car, then I don't drink at all. Unsweetened iced tea with lemon is my social go to drink when I am on the road later that day.

As the other ladies have already said, drinking to intoxication just causes many more problems. We already have more problems than most other people, so why add another problem to the mix?

Focus on transition and keep your head clear. You will thank yourself later. 

Its just over a year since moving into my flat , best thing ever as being yourself and doing what you want help no end. I will be having a celebratory drink tonight as name change came through but drink less than I used to and its a glass of red not a bottle of real ale. 

Quote from: Maddie86 on April 27, 2018, 04:12:07 AM
Thanks ladies

Ok, so I'm going to try not to drink this weekend, the more I think of it the more I don't want to. I made a rule for myself that I haven't broke yet, and that was to not drink out of negativity. So far I've kept it, the reason I drank last weekend was to celebrate my new apartment. This was my first time getting drunk since late December, and I felt kinda lousy the next day lol so yeah I guess I'll pass.

You've made me a happier girl with this post Maddie. Stick to your promise if you can. If you can't then you may have a problem and might want to talk to someone about it. Like I said before I had a problem and stopped. If you need someone to talk to I'm online a lot and have skype too.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks for the comments everyone I have more to add.

So today was my last day at work. It was an hour and a half drive and we only worked 2 hours before we finished. It started raining and they sent us home, I guess a few people are going back monday to wash down and clean up but I'm not one of them. That doesn't bother me, jobs end, but I'm kinda mad at my boss. He didn't say anything as we were all leaving. no "good job", no "thank you for your hard work", no "I'll call you when something comes up", nothing. What a thankless job, literally!! I worked so hard too, sometimes it felt like I was doing the work of 2 people, but I guess that doesn't matter. whatever. I'm done. I did take the long way home though and I enjoyed myself. I stopped at a diner and right as the clock hit 10am I bought tickets online to see "The Longshot" in Baltimore in a month. The Longshot is the side project from Green Day's frontman, and GD is my favorite band, so it's going to be really cool to see him play in a 400 person capacity venue! I also explored some cool cemeteries (lots of Rev war soldiers!) and I saw a couple historical sites. anyways, getting off topic, sorry!

I did get a call from my sister today. She's going to be so helpful in telling my family about my transition. She and my mom are going to be coming over on Sunday night and that's when I'm going to come out to my mom. My sister told me she would tell my relatives for me if I want her to. She's a lot closer with the rest of the family than I am so she has a better grasp on how certain family members will react. I told her about my incident last night about how I left my mom's house in tears and she said that our mom didn't really know how to be a mom, and that's why my sister was so close to my grandma, because my grandma was more motherly to her than our mom was. So yeah, things are about to get awkward lol.

Oh, and on the apartment front, I bought a couch today! It should be getting delivered monday. A couch is like the final piece of the puzzle, I'm really looking forward to having the livingroom all put together! the kitchen is pretty much all done, as is the  bedroom, I just have to put a few things away and then decorate the walls and I'll be good, yay!

Since I'm off work now I think I'm going to take some time monday and tuesday and do a little shopping, I really do need more female clothes if I'm going to be living as a woman starting next week.

Thanks for listening everyone

Quote from: Maddie86 on April 27, 2018, 06:09:03 PM
Thanks for the comments everyone I have more to add.

So today was my last day at work. It was an hour and a half drive and we only worked 2 hours before we finished. It started raining and they sent us home, I guess a few people are going back monday to wash down and clean up but I'm not one of them. That doesn't bother me, jobs end, but I'm kinda mad at my boss. He didn't say anything as we were all leaving. no "good job", no "thank you for your hard work", no "I'll call you when something comes up", nothing. What a thankless job, literally!! I worked so hard too, sometimes it felt like I was doing the work of 2 people, but I guess that doesn't matter. whatever. I'm done. I did take the long way home though and I enjoyed myself. I stopped at a diner and right as the clock hit 10am I bought tickets online to see "The Longshot" in Baltimore in a month. The Longshot is the side project from Green Day's frontman, and GD is my favorite band, so it's going to be really cool to see him play in a 400 person capacity venue! I also explored some cool cemeteries (lots of Rev war soldiers!) and I saw a couple historical sites. anyways, getting off topic, sorry!

I did get a call from my sister today. She's going to be so helpful in telling my family about my transition. She and my mom are going to be coming over on Sunday night and that's when I'm going to come out to my mom. My sister told me she would tell my relatives for me if I want her to. She's a lot closer with the rest of the family than I am so she has a better grasp on how certain family members will react. I told her about my incident last night about how I left my mom's house in tears and she said that our mom didn't really know how to be a mom, and that's why my sister was so close to my grandma, because my grandma was more motherly to her than our mom was. So yeah, things are about to get awkward lol.

Oh, and on the apartment front, I bought a couch today! It should be getting delivered monday. A couch is like the final piece of the puzzle, I'm really looking forward to having the livingroom all put together! the kitchen is pretty much all done, as is the  bedroom, I just have to put a few things away and then decorate the walls and I'll be good, yay!

Since I'm off work now I think I'm going to take some time monday and tuesday and do a little shopping, I really do need more female clothes if I'm going to be living as a woman starting next week.

Thanks for listening everyone

Congrats on the new couch Maddie! And for finishing that job. I quit my job on Monday and my boss just asked for my ID- didn't even say anything after I gave it to him and I just got up and left. Not one word from him haha
Sounds like a lot is happening fairly soon for you and I'm glad to hear your sister is willing to help you break the news to everyone. Worst case scenario, they all know and you go full time without them being accepting! Oh well!
You're at a point you don't depend on anyone and that's a great feeling isn't it?
And now you can find another job! That's what I have to do too, but I'm taking my time a bit

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Congratulations Maddie, you are doing a lot in a short time period. Make sure to post how you are doing along the way.

I wish I could provide you more support. Remember to breath. It sounds like you have an awesome friend in your sister.

Rachel

Quote from: Allison S on April 27, 2018, 06:17:28 PM

Congrats on the new couch Maddie! And for finishing that job. I quit my job on Monday and my boss just asked for my ID- didn't even say anything after I gave it to him and I just got up and left. Not one word from him haha
Sounds like a lot is happening fairly soon for you and I'm glad to hear your sister is willing to help you break the news to everyone. Worst case scenario, they all know and you go full time without them being accepting! Oh well!
You're at a point you don't depend on anyone and that's a great feeling isn't it?
And now you can find another job! That's what I have to do too, but I'm taking my time a bit

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Did he say why he wanted it? that seems odd. I gotta work on my ID. I'm going to keep my name for another year but I'm going to try to get my gender marker changed soon. Next week I'm going to the DMV to tell them about my change of address and I'm going to ask if I can get a new pic for a new ID too, I've lost a lot of weight since my last photo so that alone should hopefully make them let me get one.

and yeah, I'm really happy about my sister. I hate to say this but I'm kinda ready to write off the rest of my family. I don't want to, but if it comes down to it I will, I'm sick of worrying and being miserable and I need to focus on my happiness, and if they don't want me to be happy then I don't want them in my life. I haven't even really been too close with my family for a very long time anyways, so why am I even so worried? ugh!

and yeah, my job hunt starts monday! I need to get settled into my apartment a little first, I wouldn't mind having a week or two off. Unemployment will cover me for a while if I have trouble finding something, but I don't want to do that. we'll see what happens. Thanks for your comment

Quote from: Rachel on April 27, 2018, 07:11:36 PM
Congratulations Maddie, you are doing a lot in a short time period. Make sure to post how you are doing along the way.

I wish I could provide you more support. Remember to breath. It sounds like you have an awesome friend in your sister.

Rachel

Thanks! I will definitely post more updates as things happen. I'm not sure if I will post here or make new threads but there will be updates somewhere!

 Thank you for your hard work Maddie.  No , not on that job, on the job of learning what it is that you need and working hard towards it. Your apartment so you can live independently, furnishing the darn place so you can be comfortable, and for the hard work on yourself. You've come a long way Baby!
  It is nice that you have the support of your sister. I do know how that feels. They sister I live with supports me fully. 1 out of 6 siblings isn't too bad is it? True, I would be happier if my offspring did. but that wasn't to be. You may think you are prepared to write the rest of your family off if the don't go along with the program, but beware Hun, I also thought I could handle it if my daughter didn't. But I found out it hurt more than I anticipated and brought back other issues I had tucked away. I hope you don't go there, Hun. I hope all goes better than you expect. You can talk with me whenever you feel the need.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on April 27, 2018, 10:09:27 PM
Thank you for your hard work Maddie.  No , not on that job, on the job of learning what it is that you need and working hard towards it. Your apartment so you can live independently, furnishing the darn place so you can be comfortable, and for the hard work on yourself. You've come a long way Baby!
  It is nice that you have the support of your sister. I do know how that feels. They sister I live with supports me fully. 1 out of 6 siblings isn't too bad is it? True, I would be happier if my offspring did. but that wasn't to be. You may think you are prepared to write the rest of your family off if the don't go along with the program, but beware Hun, I also thought I could handle it if my daughter didn't. But I found out it hurt more than I anticipated and brought back other issues I had tucked away. I hope you don't go there, Hun. I hope all goes better than you expect. You can talk with me whenever you feel the need.

Hugs,
  Laurie

awww, thank you, you're really sweet

Sigh. Things aren't getting any better. I was looking forward to my therapy session today. I got all dressed up for it and I thought I did a good job with my makeup and I was feeling confident. I was about to step out of my apartment and then I saw a guy from the church across the street outside. I waited a minute until he went back in and then I went out to my car. Then as soon as I step outside my next door neighbor came out too. She seems really friendly and nice and said hi and asked how I was and then I just said "hi I'm good" and kept walking out back to my car. Idk how much of my outfit she saw, but I introduced myself to her last week with my male name while I was still moving stuff in. Oh well. So here's the big thing that upset me...

I got to my therapist's office and there were no cars there. I started to worry and I went to go in but the door was locked. I went back to my car and waited a few minutes and then called her. Thankfully she answered, but she told me that my session was actually last weekend and that I missed it. Why the heck didn't she call me?! I am so bummed out about this. Then to top it off she said that my insurance didn't pay for my visit from February.

I really feel like nothing's gone right lately. I'm not a spiritual person, but it seriously feels like someone up there is screwing with me. I'm almost just so worn down now that I don't even care what people think.

Sorry, I'm sleepy and moody lol. I'm gunna go unpack some more and go to sleep.

Quote from: Maddie86 on April 28, 2018, 09:21:07 PM
Sigh. Things aren't getting any better. I was looking forward to my therapy session today. I got all dressed up for it and I thought I did a good job with my makeup and I was feeling confident. I was about to step out of my apartment and then I saw a guy from the church across the street outside. I waited a minute until he went back in and then I went out to my car. Then as soon as I step outside my next door neighbor came out too. She seems really friendly and nice and said hi and asked how I was and then I just said "hi I'm good" and kept walking out back to my car. Idk how much of my outfit she saw, but I introduced myself to her last week with my male name while I was still moving stuff in. Oh well. So here's the big thing that upset me...

I got to my therapist's office and there were no cars there. I started to worry and I went to go in but the door was locked. I went back to my car and waited a few minutes and then called her. Thankfully she answered, but she told me that my session was actually last weekend and that I missed it. Why the heck didn't she call me?! I am so bummed out about this. Then to top it off she said that my insurance didn't pay for my visit from February.

I really feel like nothing's gone right lately. I'm not a spiritual person, but it seriously feels like someone up there is screwing with me. I'm almost just so worn down now that I don't even care what people think.

Sorry, I'm sleepy and moody lol. I'm gunna go unpack some more and go to sleep.

@Maddie86 :  Well that is not right... your therapist or their office never called you about the missed appointment?  ... and even more not right... your insurance company didn't pay for February... hopefully you can get that straightened out soon.  Oh, and have you rescheduled an appointment yet?  Or are you going to wait to contact your insurance?

So... regarding your neighbor...  did she say anything or act funny about seeing you in female mode?   Many women dress in male clothes... so that may not be an issue.   Think positive.   Is your male name definitely male or is it perhaps close to what might possibly be considered a female nick name perhaps?

What was your reason for avoiding the guy at the church??

I have been following all of your posts on various threads and certainly this thread... I am very happy for you that you have your apartment now....  now you can dress and do what you want to do and dress like you want in your own home now!!! That should be a wonderful feeling for you.

Thanks for your update.... and Maddie, hang in there, things will work out but you need to keep positive in spite of some of the bothersome issues....   nobody said that transition was easy... all of us have had or are having similar frustrations, disappointments and problems.

I will be looking for your next updates.....
Hugs, and more hugs.... wishing you well.
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on April 28, 2018, 09:38:40 PM
@Maddie86 :  Well that is not right... your therapist or their office never called you about the missed appointment?  ... and even more not right... your insurance company didn't pay for February... hopefully you can get that straightened out soon.  Oh, and have you rescheduled an appointment yet?  Or are you going to wait to contact your insurance?

So... regarding your neighbor...  did she say anything or act funny about seeing you in female mode?   Many women dress in male clothes... so that may not be an issue.   Think positive.   Is your male name definitely male or is it perhaps close to what might possibly be considered a female nick name perhaps?

What was your reason for avoiding the guy at the church??

I have been following all of your posts on various threads and certainly this thread... I am very happy for you that you have your apartment now....  now you can dress and do what you want to do and dress like you want in your own home now!!! That should be a wonderful feeling for you.

Thanks for your update.... and Maddie, hang in there, things will work out but you need to keep positive in spite of some of the bothersome issues....   nobody said that transition was easy... all of us have had or are having similar frustrations, disappointments and problems.

I will be looking for your next updates.....
Hugs, and more hugs.... wishing you well.
Danielle

I asked her if she tried calling me and she said she didn't because she was really busy with a lot of new patients. I don't think that's a good excuse, she could have called me during that hour that I was supposed to be seeing her! We did reschedule for May 2nd, which is a day after I plan on coming out on social media. She's a nice woman, but i dunno, I'm going to start looking into other options for a therapist. I think she said she was going to try and get ahold of my insurance company on monday. I have to call them anyways about my change of address, so I'll ask them what's up. She seems to think it might have something to do with the deductible.

As for the church guy, idk why I avoided him, I guess I was just being weird, why should I care what he thinks? and my neighbor didn't say anything, there's a good chance she didn't get a close look at me. I was going for a subtle makeup look and I was just wearing the female version of the male clothes I usually wear anyways, so maybe she didn't notice. I should have a talk with her though, she does seem nice and so far she's the neighbor I've seen the most. There's not really much privacy on this block, everyone is pretty highly visible, so I just need to get over it and be me. As for my name, it's a male name but apparently some girls do have it. I knew a girl with my name years ago and also the female lead's character in Child's Play 2 had my name lol.

and thank for your responses, not just here but in all my posts on Susan's, they always make me feel better!

 Maddie,

  Take a deep breath.... okay now take another... Things are going to get better. They maybe a pain in the tail at the moment and things might seem to keep going wrong but Hun they will get better.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Things got better

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,237088.new.html#new

Thanks to everyone posting in here! I love you all! <3

yay! So my voice is one thing I'm not confident in at all. a few minutes ago I got a phone call to confirm my couch delivery for today and the guy called me mam... twice!!! That makes me so happy!