Hey all. So recently I been talking to someone, a therapist about my life and yada yada. Anyways the subject of core beleifs came up, and she said much of my issues are those things. I was suprised, ashamed but kinda eye opened. I came out to the world as a woman nearly 4 years ago, and truth be told I wish I came out sooner! However, the last 4 years have been both the most rewarding and also hardest to a degree. My biggest issue is core beleifs that I had no idea I had. The beleif I am a lervert, fake, fraud, going to hell, etc. Let's break them down:
- (deflecting denial)as a kid I used to deep down long for girl stuff. I recall wishing I could wake up as a girl going to bed, I recall strongly preferring female super heros over male super heros (powerpuff girls/sailor moon,etc over say batman or superman) the one expection is Mario Bros, but even then I recall enjoying playing as Peach in the few times it was possible on the older platforms. However I did it in secret. Even as a child I was so deeply ashamed of enjoying girl things because yes it made me feel great but the shame was there, so much so I would try to make myself even more of a "boy" ( there was a lot of misogyny in my upbringing) ... so the euphoria came, then the shame then this compulsive you must be more boy came.. and that happened on many occasions. It should be noted I don't recall hating being a boy as a young child, but I did really wish to be a girl. Other times I kinda wish I could change gender at will back and forth in early elementary school, tho as a kid I did acknowledge that if I could I would spend nearly all of my time as a girl. Either or as said, as soon as I was about to experience free happiness as anything girl, I would push myself to make sure I stay a "boy" and force myself kinda to push the good feelings away. Kind of what happens a couple years ago but it was more intense, I would dress myself up girly then feel good but then the fight o flight fear took over and I would feel compulsed to be "male"... and to cope would drink myself stupid to calm dysphoira until the beer ran off and then to feel good would have to
dress as my true self and feel connected to not feel high strung disgust. It was a viscous cycle and would seem like an obvious : be male and hate life and have to be done intoxicated to feel somewhat ok, or be your true female self get off your butt and stop making excuses and as the tough questions and be truthful and free.. seems obvious but it's amazing what our brains can do during fightnor flight (i also have ptsd)
- (pervert) after the age of 12 or 13 when the dysphoira stopped its hiatus and came back (this time being really hard) and such, I noticed the questionings I had at say grade 2 was a bit more intense in grade 7/8. In Halloween 2007 I used that day as an excuse to dress oublcially as female to give it a shot haha.InActually was sad and would lay in bed at night wishing I could be female and getting rid of the male body. I even recall crying a couple times. However, in early 2009 (15 or so) the shame and guilt was so strong that I guess the mild internalized transphobia became stronger and I felt more conflicted, then a few days before my 15 birthday I had a wet dream involving me as the woman. This was odd for me as it wasn't "right, but it felt right at the same time. I tried to be like the "boys" and get off how they did but it never worked , I felt nothing in the thought of being male and being sexual that way so this felt kinda nice.. and i sexualized my own self, for 3 years or so. Then one day in January 2013 Indexided to make a "deal with god" that is he helped me with life issues back then I would give up anything femme... this last a couple months, but the. My dysphoira returned without sexual excitement, basically I was where I was back in 2008. So as time went on I decided to make a plan to come out. Then one day in April that year I came out to a couple friends and went to see my dr for hrt referrals. It was a exciting time. Then April 9th came, I was walking home from my counsellors feeling like a million dollars the out of the blue I froze and had a panic attack, the thought "would I be transitioning or planning to do so if I didn't sexually get off on idea of being female as a teen" crossed my mind... " sure you had these feelings as a kid but maybe wires were crossed during sexual excitement that is making dysphoira more stronger now" , added with your family saying that if you were a true trans person you would have came out as a young child and show "noticeable signs" I was crushed. So much so that within that same night I went from feeling good at lunch with hope tonthinking about suicide beciase I was afriad this means I can't be a woman and would be stuck "him" forever. Inwas so depressed . But that whole feeling in a pervert still lurks years later, when I know it shouldn't but does.
- (religion) At this time I was still a Catholic, and I was fearful. In February 2014 I became so upset by the idea I could go to hell just for transition. I recall having anxiety attacks over it and just hating the male assigned body even more. Truth be told, that same month I became watching Bill Maher and looking at Christopher Hitchens to prove that my old faith must of been wrong. I did find some point they made to be helpful and I became a non believer either in February or March that year, but I still think a part of me is hunted by that idea I'm damned.
Tie this in with family trying to insist you're a fake (and actually telling you so) and that you're just running away from "manhood" beciase I was "abused by men" or you felt so weak someone took your "manhood" away or that it's beciase of my autism or it's beciase I am a pervert, etc. I can push those thoughts away but they still have a massive impact.
I am going for surgery hopefully end of this year, I am happy with the progress I made and truth be told I would probably off myself instead of reversing this transition. But there is a lot of garbage in the head that I wish to address. Anyone know how to address the pst conscious mind??
