I'm Alyssa and I am 45 living in Denver. I have only fully understood I was trans for about 2.5 years now. I grew up in an ultra-conservative southern family and was beaten repeatedly by my stepfather for things like the way I walked, underperforming in sports he insisted I played, things I said etc. I always preferred hanging out with girls in school and I had a very hard time fitting in socially with boys. I never really considered myself to be gay - I don't remember feeling an attraction to guys until I was an adult. I now know I am bi which is, more or less, irrelevant to the realization that I was trans. I had no idea they were separate concepts until later. The worst beating of my life came the day my mother found some of her clothes under my bed....oops. Soooooooo I repressed the best I could, tried my best to act as manly as possible and joined the Navy out of high school which was ten degrees of no kind of fun at all (round peg/square hole). After the Navy, I married and divorced twice and fathered identical twin girls who are 13 now. Please forgive any negativity in this introduction. I am not this person anymore but I feel it is necessary to explain where I came from in order to understand who I am now - and I am typing this out as much for me as for you lol. I started researching transgender topics in 2016 ( where were you internet when I really needed you in high school? bahahaha). Somewhere along the way I had my aha! moment, cried for an hour straight and started thinking about transitioning. Since then I have purged my clothes/makeup 5 or 6 times out of fear or shame or guilt or who knows what but I am finally in a place of self-acceptance. Ready to move forward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I start HRT in mid to late May (informed consent at PP here in Denver). I work for a very LGBT friendly company and have already laid the groundwork with HR for an eventual transition at work. My living arrangements/roommates are not ideal for this so I will wait until I get my own place again in September to go part-time and then 6 months to a year after that full-time at work. All of this is, of course, subject to change as needed but I have high hopes most of it will unfold the way I hope it does. Wow! I typed a lot more than I was anticipating. Thank you for reading!

Hi Alyssa 

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Hugs

V M

Hi Alyssa 🙋‍♀️ I'm Jessica.  Welcome to Susan's!
Many of us have had a rough upbringing from family. Often it's what made us strong enough to be on the path we have chosen.  It's not an easy road to travel on, but easier than not being on it.

V M has given you a welcome with some handy links.  The site rules are good to know and they help keep the place nice.  Don't forget the one highlighted red.  It has answers to often asked questions.

Find a topic that interests you and join in.  Maybe you'll learn something new, share an experience or meet a friend.

Smiles, Jess

Thank you for the links and encouragement!!

Hi Alyssa Bree,

  I'm Laurie the wandering waif of Susan's Place. Dang I wish you had joined about a month ago. We may have been able to meet. I was in Monument for a day and night and the up in Loveland for 3 more nights. We even met with another trans gal in Denver for lunch at Racine's which I understand is very LGBTQ+ friendly. They sure didn't mind us being there at all. I know Denver has some support meetings and a gender center too. We have several members here that are in the Denver area. I hope you get the chance to meet some of them.
  You are surely welcome here at Susan's Place. We are glad to have you here.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thank you! I definitely would have enjoyed meeting you. I am actually planning on checking out The Center in a few months and giving their MTF Support Group a look. I am still in the early stages of presenting as female about town and I would like to feel better about that before I introduce myself at something like that.

Heya Alyssa!

I'm so sorry that you had a rough upbringing, it seems all to common these days for trans and even non-trans folk!

I'm with you on the gay-bi thing, at least I think I am.  Love is like special, but it also seems genetically male-at-birth puts love and sex in two separate categories.  I've browsed my fair share, but never found overtly masculine features 'attractive' until I am in full-girl mode. Then, god damn, just pen me down and...what was I talking about?

That's awesome that your job is supportive, those are one of the biggest hurdles to overcome! I mean, we all gotta make money to live, right? 

Since you were in the Navy and a marine, I wouldn't know, but that definitely takes strength and discipline, yeah? And not just the physical kind. And being MtF takes strength and discipline, so I feel like you'll do just fine! I can't believe you're starting HRT so soon, gosh I read so many stories of people starting HRT after years of changing their lifestyles- I really wanna rush into it, too, y'know?

Well, as you know, I've only entertained the thought for 1 month, but you've been training for this most of your life and more intensely in the past 2 years or so! So, I may not be able to offer advice, but keep me in the loop on how things are going and i'll do the same!    I have a twitter account, if you have one, too, lemme know!

Love all the support you've given to others, and I hope I can give you support, too!

Wow Eryn! You really nailed the sexual attraction to men part to perfection! I am more generally attracted to women on like a day to day basis although certain men get my attention pretty quickly. As it stands right now I am attracted to women in terms of a possible relationship and men in terms of sex if that makes any kind of sense at all. I have not been able to enjoy sex for a long time without, at the very least, imagining myself fully presenting as a woman while engaged in the act. Acting the male role sexually is totally not my thing so relationships with women, while of interest, have been put on hold indefinitely in practice.

I wish I could say I really had been training for this my whole life but honestly....I mean I knew more or less what feelings I had but all of that repression and not allowing myself to explore hurt me badly - took 20 years of Alyssa from me. But yeah, now is the time for the hormone fairy to pay me a visit and we will take it from there!

xoxoxoxoxo
Alyssa

Im sorry, my comment about your preparation came from a place of ignorance! I honestly can understand that feeling of being aware but not really doing something about it, too. Though Im about to get side-tracked.

I have wanted to be a video game designer all my life, and while I am developing something right now. I spent the majority of my life not using my time to make things happen. Similar to transgender issues, I think, sometimes there's a stigma about when you can be a game designer or graduate college or get married...

But the truth I've found is none of that matters, as long as you take the time you have now for the things you want!

Very true Eryn, very true - and there's nothing to be sorry about.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.  My parents made sure I knew I was weird and that they expected certain things out of me.  marriage, kids etc...


Hang in there!  It sounds like things are getting better.  We have a whole new future to look forward  to.

Absolutely! We certainly do Olivia! I have never been more confident, happy, or optimistic in my life. I did not expect to already feel those things even before starting HRT.

Nice to meet you Alyssa!

Both sad and glad that you have overcome so much!  From what I have read, you are strong.  Hopefully your persistence has paid off and your life will get better.

Thank you Jacey! The way I see it, nothing I have to face ahead of me can compare in difficulty to what I have already overcome - mainly because everything from here on out is on MY terms, nobody else's. It's like making the decision to move forward liberates almost everything else - so many aspects of my life now are better simply by allowing myself to be ME.

You are so right, Alyssa!  I can't wait to see what good things you will get to experience in the future!