Hi.  So, yeah, I am really struggling to find words here, which is new for me.

Let me try again.

I'm Freyja.  Or, I will be?  I don't know how to properly introduce myself.

I'm a cop.  And I'm a U.S. marine grunt.  I want to wait to see how this whole transgender ban pans out before I transition.  I know there are a lot of people who will disagree with that, but being a warrior is a foundational part of my identity.  No matter where my gender has fallen that's my rock of self identity.

I went through a period of identifying as female in high school.  I'd never heard the word transgender.  Then I rebounded back to hypermasculine, bodybuilding, powerlifting, etc, and fought a couple wars.  Came to a sense of comfort in the idea of not having to mail myself down in a binary way, and now I would describe my gender as somewhere between teddy Roosevelt and xena: warrior princess.  All was well for a few years, until recently when this sudden feeling of discomfort in my own skin hit me like a freight train.

Found out in 2012 I have low testosterone.  Found out in 2017 its because my brain doesn't send the signal to make it (pituitary).  Started hrt , only to find at my first blood tests my body was turning all the test they were injecting into estrogen.  Now I'm on heavy blockers.  I'm so, so tired of fighting the natural inclinations of my body, and it feels so wrong now, like I'm beating myself into submission.

So that's where I am currently.  I need therapy, but I don't live in a place where that's easily accessible.  Still trying to find someone.  I came here because I literally have no one I can open up to about all this.  I have questions, I need advice, I just want to talk about it without feeling ashamed.  I can't talk to my wife, she breaks down when I try.  She wants to be supportive but she doesn't handle change of any kind well.

So that's me.  I paint my toenails, put on makeup to feel pretty and deadlift 500 lbs while screaming at the world.

I have so many questions, but I guess saying hi is a start.

Hi Freyja 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
You will find quite a few members that are more than willing to help, especially new members.  With the collective experiences from the membership, answers to questions can be gained.
I do hope through learning more about yourself, you will be able to bring your wife to a more comfortable spot and work things out.

I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hi FreyjaV,
Although most of us have unique paths to get here, once here, I think you'll find that the issues we face are pretty similar. Probably, most of the people here over 40 have current life situations that make transition sound impossible. (Heck, probably most of the people here under 20 have current life situations that make them SEEM impossible. Those of us over 40 only fantasize about being 20 and having those life situations again... )

So, while it seems overwhelming now, most of us have found a way through. And, really, you will too. Therapy is probably the "easy" way through, but if that is impossible, you will have to find another way. The only easy day was when? :-)

As Jessica said, I would expect you will get complete acceptance of your situation and issues here. Try it and see. If that turns out to not be true, you can leave any time. This is not a cult. :-)

Welcome...

Welcome to Susan's Place. What your looking for is a gender therapist. If you live anywhere near a large city, one should be available. If not, our link section may contain one that will do sessions over Skype. Your past isn't that much different than many of our members. Our member have been in all branches of the military, fought in wars, are in law enforcement and have lived a pretty masculine life. Your safe here and there is nothing to fear. We have the knowledge and the moderator staff will ensure you have the freedom to explore yourself on the site. Should you need anything that I can help you with, just let me know.

Thank you everybody for your warm welcome.  I look forward to exploring more on the forums. 

Welcome to the site Freyja.  Speaking for myself I think we need more women warriors.
Lord knows, as trans women, just to live as ourselves, we fight for every inch.

Hi Freyja 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Welcome Freyja! I have a feeling that fighting spirit will see you through all of this!

Greetings Freyja!

That's a pretty incredible story and unique situation with your body chemistry!  I can at least identify a bit with going full-on hyper-masculinity mode to sort of 'cover up' who I am in the past.  I'm with the other ladies here, we need more warrior princesses! (I really loved Xena when it was airing) And gender definitely doesn't need to be defined by your physical strength, plenty of women out there that'd give most men a run for their money in that department!

I hope you can confide in the community here and that we can support you. I, too, basically only allow myself to be a woman in the car and late at night. I'm so so glad you've found this website(and that it exists in the first place!) because I would not want anyone to keep such a thing carried within and covered up, that's unhealthy, girl!

Anyway, much love and do take proper care of yourself, y'hear? 

Gosh, I guess I need to find time to check the forum more than once a day!  So many responses.  Thanks everybody, even if you don't really know me the support is huge right now (I mean YUGE.  YUGE.  You'll never believe.   ) 

Unfortunately, I live in a part of texas where there aren't many gender therapists.  I know of one, but she hasn't called me back. 

I don't think my body chemistry situation is THAT unique.  Actually it's the same situation that Janae Marie Kroc had (MTF powerlifter/bodybuilder) with the pituitary.  But I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless. 

Okay so... quick question.  I need "feminizing" advice.  Makeup, breast forms, things like that.  Which section would that be in?  I don't want to piss people off by posting in the wrong place.

Thanks for making me feel welcome!

Quote from: FreyjaValkyrie on April 30, 2018, 04:46:10 AM
Okay so... quick question.  I need "feminizing" advice.  Makeup, breast forms, things like that.  Which section would that be in?  I don't want to piss people off by posting in the wrong place.

Thanks for making me feel welcome!

I'm struggling this right now myself, and haven't attempted anything with breast forms or corsettes and body shapers, etc. but what I can for sure say about makeup is this...

Be very critical about when you put it on, it doesn't come off easy- you basically need a facial clenser(or the wipes, I havent used them yet, though) to get it off. BUT it sure does like to get on EVERYTHING!  So, would opt to wipe hands and excess etc off with tissues/toilet paper, rather than towels, or heaven's forbid, your own clothes! >.<

There are ALOT of forums here, so I'm not sure where info about breast forms and stuff would be either, but makeup you can find here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,341.0.html