Hi, I'm a bit nervous and not sure how to introduce myself or where to begin.
I feel a bit weird really. I'm 40 years old and only just (or still) going back and forth in my head about all this stuff.
I never even thought about my gender as a child. On the whole it's a topic that I find a bit bewildering. Most of my life I've said "I think if you blindfolded me so that I couldn't see my body and asked me which sex I was, I really wouldn't know."
But I did start struggling with some things in adolescence. Then I remember in a class a school we watched a video that touched on transgender stuff, but that was about MTF. Then there was a person who identified as androgynous and had surgery to flatten their chest, and something in me kind of went into shock. You know? Wow, this is an actual *thing*? I think it's taken me a long time to really think about things and not keep pushing thoughts and feelings aside, partly because (I know this sounds stupid) I didn't even think about FTM. The little I ever came across or people on TV were all FTM and somehow it didn't click in my head that the opposite could happen.

I've mostly always felt like a failure at being a woman. It does not come at all naturally, I cannot relate to other women in the way that most women I know can. It's hard to explain exactly, but I just don't feel like one of them and it feels fake, like a pretence, trying to do all the things to seem feminine enough when I don't even want to in the first place.
I've gone through phases of dressing and being more boyish. But have ended up feeling like I'm a fraud there too. Too emotional and shy to be typically masculine, too boyish and geeky to be girly. Though when I was more boyish and changed my name to something gender neutral, a few people around me instantly guessed that was why I chose that name. I dunno.

Then to confuse things a bit more, after getting exome sequencing a year or so ago to try to shed light on some other health issues I have had, I had another shock when trawling through the raw data and scanning over some results from variant filters when the variants were listed as located on the Y chromosome. News to me! A few emails back and forth with the company and it appears to be a legitimate result. But I don't have that much data , though I do have variants in the Y-specific region (not pseudoautosomal.)
So that threw up some questions for me about why I feel so weird about my gender as well.
Phenotypically, anatomy-wise I am female. Though since adolesence I've thought I look masculine. Female body parts but masculine proportions, body shape, face shape, etc. People would mistake me for a lad in photographs.

And (I don't know how to put it and intend no offence) when I have tried to be more womanly and do the hair and makeup and clothes etc, I sometimes am mistaken for MTF transgender, which also feels a bit strange. No, nooooo if anything, the opposite.

So right now I am sifting through all these thoughts and feelings. I think I am clearer than I let myself believe, and have issues feeling like I am not masculine enough to be FTM (which is horribly buying into binary stereotypes, but I am still haunted by some self-doubt.)

I haven't really spoken about it to the people in my life yet. Mostly because I don't feel certain enough in myself yet.
But also because I have mental health problems and I fear that people will think or say that it's just me being 'unwell' and part of those other issues. It almost stops me before I begin because when I imagine trying to talk to my doctor or professionals I suspect they will assume it's part of my mental illness or something and not take me seriously about it. Sadly there is still a lot of prejudice about mental health even in the medical and mental health systems, in my experience.
I'm also wary of the psychotherapy/counselling side of things because I don't want to have to go over other old issues that I've already hashed out many times in previous therapy. That particular scar does not need reopening. But my previous experiences of therapy have been that they've tended to jump on anything "interesting" and things derail easily.

On the positive side, though I never mention anything about transgender issues, a few of my friends have been cool whenever I've tried a boyish phase. I guess I've always been a bit loose wit identity, interests, styles, allsorts so they are used to me doing whatever feels comfortable for me at times in my life.

Is it strange to say that I feel like I wish I could "try it out for a while"? It seems like this either/or of 'you transition or you don't' and I kind of want to be able to try living as a man for a while and see how that feels for me, but without me or others assuming it will be permanent (from the outset) I want some kind of safe space where I can experiment with this but I fear people would think me even weirder if I did that.

Sorry, I do ramble a lot! I struggle to edit down words (slight cognitive issues)
It feels quite nerve-wracking to say (type) this to someone rather than it being solely in my own head.

Allsorts 

*edited to add that the genetic thing - I do also have two X chromosomes. So it would be XXY or some sort of mosaic/chimera thing. But not Klinefelter's because... I am anatomically female. There could be another mutation going on there, I don't know. Or a missing SRY gene or something.*

Hi there Allsorts! Welcome to the best place on the internet for those of us with such dilemmas. I'm a 59 year old MTF, so there are some obvious things that are different in my experience. But I also believe that the angst and questioning are very common among all of us with gender issues, no matter the "direction" we're coming from or going to. There are plenty of FTM friends on here that I'm sure will be happy to give you specific advice and help. In the meantime, as an official greeter here, I've attached a bunch of links for navigating and understanding Susan's Place. Give them a read and I think you'll find them helpful.

Thanks for joining us!

Stephanie














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Hi Allsorts 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Greetings, Allsorts! I'm new here, too, but I thank you for having the courage to explain your situation more completely!

So much of what you said has reflected in my own life, even though I'm on the opposite side. So, I'm sorry if my words may not give you the kind of comfort you need!

I have not looked much into FtM, but I do know there are all sorts(get it?) of people out there. In fact, I've read an article(I really need to start writing down these urls) that spoke of like 6 different types of transgender categories running from crossdressing for fun, all the way to being the complete other gender full-time. What's important, I think, is that you express yourself in the way you want to. And if that requires taking baby steps to make it happen, then take those baby steps! This isn't going to happen overnight...

I've never taken lab tests to see where I am, but I had said when I was younger, "The only thing that is keeping me from being a woman is this thing between my legs"  and I've read(again, so no urls!) That there's a 6-digit range or possibly more combination of chromosomes, like you could be XXXXYY and still have the characteristic sex organs of a female, etc.  Also, there's a tribe(forget where) where it seems like occasionally, during puberty girls' testes drop and they become boys. So, the concept of gender doesn't need to be so black and white, eh? 

I'm sure you'll find some excellent resources from other dudes on this website, so I'm glad you've joined the community! Welcome!

Gosh! Thank you all so much for your kind and warm welcomes 
It feels great to find a safe place to talk about this stuff and explore it all.

Stephanie,  thank you for the initial welcome and the links to the info, that's helpful. I'd imagine that although there are some differences, yeah there will be some similar underlying themes between us all.

And hi hi V M

Eryn T, nice to meet you! I'm glad you didn't mind my rambling intro  It's just the way I tend to write, and I thought an introduction ...well yeah this is my starting point, where I am. Thanks for the reply.
My chromosomal discovery did make some sense of some things, but in a society that's had such rigid binary views about gender I was left with a feeling of "So what on earth does that make me?" Lol I had prepared myself for various possibilities when getting sequencing done, but this one simply hadn't crossed my mind, so it was a bit of a shock.

I'm looking forward to reading more of and interacting with the FtM forums.

What you wrote does hit home, about expressing myself. I think that will be a big part of my journey. Feeling comfortable about expressing myself when my self doesn't necessarily conform to common stereotypes or certain expectations of a particular gender. Which is where I like the idea of having some time and space to play around with things, experiment, and find what does and doesn't feel comfortable or resonates as being truly myself and natural for me.

Even this far, as uncomfortable as I have often been with having a female anatomy and expectations that tend to come with it, I've always gotten into some "debates" with people (my more feminist side) about there not being just one or two ways of "being a woman" so I'm sure the same applies to being a man. It seems to be progressing, more movement on women being free to be less rigidly "feminine" but maybe a bit slower on the uptake for men to feel free to be more feminine. But for now I am a bit emotionally conflicted inside despite what I believe intellectually!

Blurgh, too many words again,  but thank you all for making me feel welcome