Ah! So Tuesday I plan on coming out via social media, so today I'm telling my parents. My dad can be quick to anger at times and overreact, so I figured that an email would be the best way to tell him. here is what I wrote:
"Hey dad. First off, I'd like to say sorry for not telling you all this in person, but you always told me to "think before you speak", so this will help me gather my thoughts and hopefully you can gather yours with your response.
You've done a lot for me over the years, you've always been very supportive of me and have gone out of your way for me to make me happy and enjoy my childhood, and for that I will always be thankful, I love you and I appreciate everything you've done for me. Yet still, there was always something I wasn't happy about, and it led me to depression, which is why I over ate so much and drank every night. I never took care of my body because I didn't enjoy being a male. For a very long time I have secretly wanted to be female.
This is something that I remember feeling as far back as age 6, but I knew it was something I could never talk to anyone about. I have a journal from 4th grade where I wrote about it and then once puberty hit, all of those feelings became amplified. I tried to repress it and live as normal as a life as I could have, but the truth is that I never really fit in.
About a month into my sobriety last year I was having a bad week, and then one day I had an epiphany. I noticed that I was thinking clearer than ever, and if I'm still having this discomfort with my gender when I am mentally on top of things, then it's never going away and I had to do something about it. I came out to a couple friends, and they were really supportive, and that alone was a huge weight off my shoulders. A month later I started seeing a therapist and she saw just after a few sessions that transitioning is what I needed to do. She wrote a letter on my behalf to a doctor's office that specializes in Hormone Replacement Therapy. She told me that she will talk to you at no charge to help you cope and get a better understanding of what I'm going through, and my doctor also said that he would talk to you if you'd like. I started taking medication on my birthday that blocks testosterone and then another medication that gives me estrogen. I've been preparing for this for a while, and I think I'm ready. As of this coming Tuesday I am going to start presenting as a female in public.
There's a couple things that I need to stress. One is that this has nothing to do with your parenting or how I was raised, this is something that I was born with. Another thing is that this is what I needed to turn my life around and be happy. This was the motivation to stay sober and get healthy and finally take care of my body. If not for this then I probably would have started drinking again after the gout went away, and I'm sure that all that drinking would have led me to an early death, and I would have been miserable until I got there. I would also still probably weigh 300lbs. I'm happier than ever and I hope that is important to you, I'm trying really hard to be the best me I can be. I really do feel like this has saved my life.
I'm sure you have some questions so I'll do my best to answer some things before you ask them. This has nothing to do with sexuality. I am still attracted to women but this is the reason I never tried to date, I was just very uncomfortable with myself so I didn't put myself out there. Another thing is that I probably won't ever get the big surgery. Some trans women can't live with having male genitals, and while I'm not the biggest fan of them I can deal with it, the hormones have done enough to make me happy and ease my dysphoria. As for work, that's one place where I do plan on presenting as a male for a while, so I won't be living as a women 100% full time just yet. My work with AJG ended on Friday and I need a little time off to settle into things, but next week I am going to start applying to places for a new job. I plan on telling mom later tonight, but I told Jennie pretty recently and she was supportive. She really is a great big sister. Oh yeah, and my female name is going to be Madeline, or "Maddie" for short.
I know this is going to upset you, and I really am sorry about that, but this is something that I NEED to do. I know it's going to take time to get used to things but I do hope that you will accept me and we can still be part of each other's lives. I'm still your child and I still love you, this doesn't change the past and what we've been through, but I'm hoping that this will finally give me a future I can look forward to"
I was nervous. You know that weird smile that some dogs do when they misbehaved and know their owner is mad at them? I was doing something similar to that after I sent it. I sent him a text apologizing for being distant lately and I said that I was stressed and that I sent him an email about what I've been going through lately. I knew he was concerned about all my doctor visits so I mentioned that the email explained that. He responded an hour later. I seriously thought he was going to scream and yell at me and that today might be the last time we ever talk. Well, thankfully I really underestimated him!! He accepts me!
This was his response:
"You have my support. Let me know when you want to discuss things further. I love you".
I was so overwhelmed with emotion, this made me so happy! I told him I would call him tomorrow night. A little while later I got a text from my step mom saying that my dad showed her the email and she supports me 100%
I've had a terrible week, and this has made it all better!!
I'll report back later when I tell my mom
