When I decided to start transitioning six months ago, I was full of excitement and enthusiasm.  I was going to pursue my lifelong dream and I was going to succeed!  I went to my doctor, went to therapy, saw the endocrinologist, started hormones (about two weeks ago), came out to family, close friends, and supervisors at work, and I've been going to a support group.

Now I'm just waiting - to lose more weight, for my hair to grow out, for the hormones to do their thing, etc.  Just lots of waiting.  I'm finding my enthusiasm cooling now that I feel there's not much I can actively do, at least for a few months.  As my enthusiasm cools, I start questioning myself, wondering if I'm totally crazy or stupid for doing this.  I know I want to be a woman, I've always wanted to be a woman, but I never felt "trapped" in my body, I never felt that acute painful dysphoria, or anything like that.  I just felt incomplete and invisible and empty as a boy but felt strong and beautiful and confident as a girl.

Someone please tell me this is normal.  I want to be a woman so much but I'm feeling so lost right now.

I think it can be common to feel this way.  I too didn't feel trapped or painful dysphoria either, but I know I feel better now than I did.
You already recognized who you are and you feel better as her. 
Transitioning takes awhile and after a bit it becomes the daily routine and routine can become boring.  Try doing something different, go out somewhere you never have, go dancing, get fitted for a new bra,  sit in a park and smile at people.
I
Life is interesting, live life.

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

Quote from: VaxSpyder on May 03, 2018, 02:07:50 PM
When I decided to start transitioning six months ago, I was full of excitement and enthusiasm.  I was going to pursue my lifelong dream and I was going to succeed!  I went to my doctor, went to therapy, saw the endocrinologist, started hormones (about two weeks ago), came out to family, close friends, and supervisors at work, and I've been going to a support group.

Now I'm just waiting - to lose more weight, for my hair to grow out, for the hormones to do their thing, etc.  Just lots of waiting.  I'm finding my enthusiasm cooling now that I feel there's not much I can actively do, at least for a few months.  As my enthusiasm cools, I start questioning myself, wondering if I'm totally crazy or stupid for doing this.  I know I want to be a woman, I've always wanted to be a woman, but I never felt "trapped" in my body, I never felt that acute painful dysphoria, or anything like that.  I just felt incomplete and invisible and empty as a boy but felt strong and beautiful and confident as a girl.

Someone please tell me this is normal.  I want to be a woman so much but I'm feeling so lost right now.

VaxSpyder:  HRT does it's work in it's own time in cooperation with your body which will respond to hormones at it's own pace and in it's own way.   What you read about others HRT results and their timeline will likely not be exactly like your results. 
Patience is required, usually nothing happens very fast with HRT.  Some will experience changes more quickly and some will experience changes more slowly...  in the end some transgender transitioners will see very significant changes and others not as much....    again, it is all up to your own body.
Human nature tells each of us that "We want it all, and we want it NOW"  ... but that is just our brain telling us that we want what we want.  Weight issues and hair growth take time, it's like watching paint dry, but eventually it will happen.  Weight loss is something that you can control, but it will take willpower and determination but it can be done.

What you can do while you are patiently waiting and will also keep your enthusiasm going strong is do observe and practice the things that will help you to pass... mannerisms, voice training, hair removal, eyebrows, fingernails and toenails, ear piercing, hair styling.  At some point you will want to go to a hair and nail salon to get some of that done professionally.   Early on in my transition I did a lot of people watching in shopping malls, restaurants, airports, etc....  watching how women move, walk, sit, talk, eat, etc. ... and how they dress, their shoes, their purse or handbag, etc.

Again, be patient and let the drugs and your body do their thing in their own time, but you can take some actions and make some changes that will help you to mentally wait and stay enthusiastic about your journey.

Hugs and well wishes...  Please keep us updated.
Danielle

I can relate. I too had low dysphoria, just knew I'm a girl. I've had low and questioning times. I just closed my eyes and kept walking on bad days. I swirl, strut and smell the perfume on good days. At 16 months on hormones the tremendous changes in my body, emotions and thinking have washed all that away. I've also surrounded myself with affirming supportive girls, both cis and trans. Support from others, I think, has been the key. Hang in there, it all makes sense at some point. It is worth the journey!

Vax You are not alone and we mostly all go through a period of remorse at some time or another. The real advantage to  starting HRT is that it cleared the plate of a lifetime of lies and deception. Funny how I no longer have stress. I haven't reported depression to my Doctor in over a year. Otherwise when I dress. I wonder what might have been if it was more acceptable when I was in my teens and twenties. Lastly the people I have met since coming out, most are mis-characterized as freaks or that we made a choice. I am sure their are some that are a little tilted as every walk of life is so infiltrated. Short of sending out the Gestapo, we are real, we are here and we aren't going away. Someday someone will allow research in sufficient intensity to determine if it is a choice.  That's why I am donating my body to the University of Washington so they can research my brain and the connection between heart disease and the symptoms of DES poisoning.

Quote from: VaxSpyder on May 03, 2018, 02:07:50 PM
When I decided to start transitioning six months ago, I was full of excitement and enthusiasm.  I was going to pursue my lifelong dream and I was going to succeed!  I went to my doctor, went to therapy, saw the endocrinologist, started hormones (about two weeks ago), came out to family, close friends, and supervisors at work, and I've been going to a support group.

Now I'm just waiting - to lose more weight, for my hair to grow out, for the hormones to do their thing, etc.  Just lots of waiting.  I'm finding my enthusiasm cooling now that I feel there's not much I can actively do, at least for a few months.  As my enthusiasm cools, I start questioning myself, wondering if I'm totally crazy or stupid for doing this.  I know I want to be a woman, I've always wanted to be a woman, but I never felt "trapped" in my body, I never felt that acute painful dysphoria, or anything like that.  I just felt incomplete and invisible and empty as a boy but felt strong and beautiful and confident as a girl.

Someone please tell me this is normal.  I want to be a woman so much but I'm feeling so lost right now.

Yes, this is totally normal.  After the first flurry of activity, when you go to therapy, see doctors, get prescriptions, things settle down to a new routine, and one day is pretty much the same as the next.  It can be boring, devoid of excitement.

I'm thinking, from your first paragraph, that you are not out in public yet.  That is one thing you can do, even if only occasionally.  Nothing relieves dysphoria quite like being yourself.  And, once you get past the inevitable jitters, it gives you a taste of what the future will be like.

I found switching back and forth to be hard on the emotions, with female mode being the high, and male mode being the low.  The highs made the waiting go faster.  The contrast between male mode and female mode truly cemented my determination to continue on this path.  There was no doubt left in my mind after being out as my true self.

I am back to waiting.  Waiting for the boobs to grow some more (hoping to eventually reach a B cup), waiting for a shrink appointment for my second surgery letter, eventually waiting for the surgery itself.  There is a lot of "hurry up and wait".  But this waiting is much easier, because now I am full-time and loving it.  My main goal has been achieved, and the rest is just tidying up.

Quote from: VaxSpyder on May 03, 2018, 02:07:50 PM
When I decided to start transitioning six months ago, I was full of excitement and enthusiasm.  I was going to pursue my lifelong dream and I was going to succeed!  I went to my doctor, went to therapy, saw the endocrinologist, started hormones (about two weeks ago), came out to family, close friends, and supervisors at work, and I've been going to a support group.

Now I'm just waiting - to lose more weight, for my hair to grow out, for the hormones to do their thing, etc.  Just lots of waiting.  I'm finding my enthusiasm cooling now that I feel there's not much I can actively do, at least for a few months.  As my enthusiasm cools, I start questioning myself, wondering if I'm totally crazy or stupid for doing this.  I know I want to be a woman, I've always wanted to be a woman, but I never felt "trapped" in my body, I never felt that acute painful dysphoria, or anything like that.  I just felt incomplete and invisible and empty as a boy but felt strong and beautiful and confident as a girl.

Someone please tell me this is normal.  I want to be a woman so much but I'm feeling so lost right now.

I don't know if its normal, Rayne, but I cycle through these feelings every couple of weeks.  I was sooo excited at first and then as things started to progress and I didn't the urgency I did at first.  This has led to all sorts of doubt and anxiety about whether or not I am doing the right thing.  It is forcing me to examine every part of who I am.  I will go from excited and feeling very trans to not really feeling anything at all, just "normal"  which leads to feeling uncertain and afraid I am doing the wrong thing.  At some point I reset and start over. 

         Julie

Even at nine months of HRT I feel like that.  I call it stagnation. It's hard to keep finding something new each day.  I found that throwing myself into hobbies helped a great deal. Transition is a very slow process. Especially HRT.  We want change to happen overnight and it just doesn't work that way.

Just hang in there and find a way to just enjoy life. Don't stand there in the mirror and stare at your boobs all day.  Get out and do stuff.  Before you know it something will happen.

Quote from: VaxSpyder on May 03, 2018, 02:07:50 PM
When I decided to start transitioning six months ago, I was full of excitement and enthusiasm.  I was going to pursue my lifelong dream and I was going to succeed!  I went to my doctor, went to therapy, saw the endocrinologist, started hormones (about two weeks ago), came out to family, close friends, and supervisors at work, and I've been going to a support group.

Now I'm just waiting - to lose more weight, for my hair to grow out, for the hormones to do their thing, etc.  Just lots of waiting.  I'm finding my enthusiasm cooling now that I feel there's not much I can actively do, at least for a few months.  As my enthusiasm cools, I start questioning myself, wondering if I'm totally crazy or stupid for doing this.  I know I want to be a woman, I've always wanted to be a woman, but I never felt "trapped" in my body, I never felt that acute painful dysphoria, or anything like that.  I just felt incomplete and invisible and empty as a boy but felt strong and beautiful and confident as a girl.

Someone please tell me this is normal.  I want to be a woman so much but I'm feeling so lost right now.

I too have always wanted to be female.  I never really had a problem with being assigned male, but had I been given a choice I would have been a girl.  I've lived as a man my whole life and I'm used to it.  It's not painful nor depressing to me.  Still, I have feminine longings that have gone ignored, repressed, and denied throughout my entire life.  I've tried to make those feelings go away; I thought something was wrong with me when I couldn't.  If I had the money, the support, and the courage I'd transition immediately.  However, my only concern is getting through today.  I've accepted that I'm transgender, but still unsure of how I will deal with it.  If nothing else, I would say take it one day at a time.

Quote from: VaxSpyder on May 03, 2018, 02:07:50 PM

Now I'm just waiting - to lose more weight, for my hair to grow out, for the hormones to do their thing, etc.  Just lots of waiting.  I'm finding my enthusiasm cooling now that I feel there's not much I can actively do, at least for a few months. 
Someone please tell me this is normal.  I want to be a woman so much but I'm feeling so lost right now.

Yes Vax it is normal to feel this way and temporarily lose some of the enthusiasm and excitement as noone likes waiting for long periods of time. All I can add to the advice already given is to arrange electrolysis or laser sessions on face or other parts and voice training.

Pamela

Quote from: DawnOday on May 03, 2018, 03:00:53 PM
Otherwise when I dress. I wonder what might have been if it was more acceptable when I was in my teens and twenties.

I feel precisely the same Dawn. It only trans issues had been more in the public domain 40 years ago. Still for us better late than never!

Pamela

Danielle.  I've tried to make those feelings go away; I thought something was wrong with me when I couldn't.

Oh my, don't I understand that. Before I came onto Susan's that is the way I thought. Now that I understand some why I have these feelings it is a lot less stressful. No longer feel ashamed. In fact quite confident I did the right thing beginning HRT. Almost two years now. I am amazed at the love and understanding of the people who provide service from the Doctor's and Therapists, to my electrologist, all are amazing people. If I had one complaint, it would be support facilities are 30 miles down the road, and parking downtown is a bit of a challenge.
Dawn <3

Quote from: DawnOday on May 04, 2018, 12:45:48 PM
In fact quite confident I did the right thing beginning HRT. Almost two years now.

Would you mind telling us about that experience or perhaps pointing us to a thread where you have already talked about it?

         Thanks,
                  Julie

Julie-  I have been on Susan's for a little over two years, so I've told my tale. ad nausem. But for you, here goes.
First I am so thankful to have this forum. I had so many years of built up frustration, guilt, I withdrew into a shell and didn't let anybody in. Including my wife of 35 years. All I know is that for as long as I can remember, I have felt different.  I enjoy doing girl things like clothes shopping, style, makeup,sitting around the table talking about the kids, favorite recipes. I always had to butt out when they started complaining about periods. If there is one regret is that I cannot go through the birthing process. And I want the periods. Strange but I don't feel I could be fulfilled unless I was capable to bear children. I've watched the miracle as a bystander for the birth of my two kids, and it was wonderful, but...
I started my HRT journey two years ago June 15. after nearly having a breakdown while visiting my sister. I had just found out my ex was living a few miles down the road and I wanted to go see her. I never intended to divorce, but I was hiding secrets. I was really out of control. I was balling like a baby. Forty years ago, come on Dawn give it up. This was the reason for my visit to a gender therapist. After 7 previous attempts over several decades I had gone into therapy but was never really able to admit why I was there. This time, I stepped up and spilled the beans. Thankfully Dena gave some great advice as I have several health problems and pointed me in the right direction. I live in Seattle and we have a very robust trans community here. Capitol Hill is teeming with bars and restaurants where trans folk are welcome and most stores in the area are welcoming as well. But the single most amazing thing was when I went to Gender Odyssey and saw 1700 people just like me, For the first time in my life, I did not feel alone. It was on par with the birth of my kids. Unloading a lifetime of baggage you've been carrying around is so exhilarating. I had told Jo my wife early on, that I dressed up but she never addressed it again. Then after the visit to the councilor I came out and told everyone that matters that I am transitioning with HRT. Immediately all stress disappeared. Stress of lies and deceit were killing me. The only thing that has been hurtful is electrolysis. But even that has a silver lining as the ladies that do it are now such wonderful friends. I'll be hanging with them at this years Gender Odyssey.
Compared to the life of self imposed guilt, secrecy, lies. I could live like this the rest of my life.
Today I attend the Ingersoll Gender Center for support. Thankfully I have two things going for me that most of my younger friends do not. I had a career for forty years and that has allowed me to own my own home. So I don't have to worry about sustenance.  The years of isolation has made it difficult to make new friends but the one relationship I can point to and say positively is with Evie Dickenson. She just completed FFS and I can't wait to see her again. Man what you can do when you are a millionaire. When we met I was feeling down she came up and offered a hug. That gesture alone made me feel what I was doing was the right thing. As far as my physical being I have grown a pair of c cup breasts. My face has thinned and gotten smoother. My waist is now in my butt for the most part. When I look in the mirror I like what I see. I'm no Archlord but I think I've done well. all things considered.  My measuremests are 6'4" 220 lbs shooting for 180 any less and I look terrible. Breasts 40C  Waist 36" down from 48. Hips are 45". My penis is now an inny. Well less than 2 inches. My testes have gone from walnut size to pecan size. I am getting cellulite and varicose vains. But I love it. My life is now stable. No highs and lows just a smooth path. I still fear appearing in public but have gotten so I can do it a hand full of times during the month. Now that electrolysis is nearly finished I feel I can maybe get by. But I would welcome acceptance over passing any day.
It's a long ride and I am fortunate to have experienced it even if it is the twilight of my life.

<3 Dawn <3

Thanks for the support and encouragement, everyone!  I'm feeling better today.  I'll just try to focus on what I can and let time do the rest.  It's just very reassuring to know I'm not alone in my distress.  You girls are the best!