Hi all,

I was wondering if anybody else has had this situation and if so has any advice.  I came out to my wife a couple weeks back.  We have fought about it every day since.  She was, before all this, a very liberal, progressive, accepting person.  We talked a lot in the past about how great it is that this or that institution was becoming more accepting of trans people.  I thought she would be the same with me.   How wrong I was.  She's called me every hurtful thing under the sun, screamed about how much she hates it and how this isn't what she wanted out of life.  Tonight, she's given me the ultimatum, "fix it" or she walks.  We've been married for 10 years.  I love her very much, We have 2 children together (who are, incidentally, totally cool with me being trans).  I feel crushed, deflated, about as far away from the alpha male I was or the alpha female I am as I've ever been.  I don't even know how to answer.  There is no cure, no magic pill to make it go away.  What am I supposed to do?

Still fighting,
Freyja

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Fix it? I'd ask for clarification. If she thinks it's just some neuroticism, she's mistaken. Sounds like she needs some education at the very least.


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I understand completely!  I wish I had a better response but I came out to my wife almost 2 years ago then her sister a short time later because the EXACT same reason.  My wife is very liberal and my sister-in-law is supposedly an advocate.  I am still married but I would not be honest if I said if it has been totally problem free.  My wife says she loves me (and I am sure she does) but there are soooo many indicators that she has already checked out. We had this conversation just this evening so maybe it is me but I guess my recommendation is continue to be patient and talk to your therapist but prepare yourself for what could be.  I will be thinking of you!!
Hugs!!!
Paula

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I'm in the same boat. My wife is 'embarrased' about what people might think. I think there is more to it, but yeah when you pull the rug out from under a marriage, even if its a fake rug there will be consequences. All you can do is be you, keep transitioning and keep communicating because not transitioning for her sake won't help...

I've made a lot of comments and responses about this. There is no easy way to
do this. I did it all wrong and it was tough for four months.
I started this journey without her knowledge 1 year ago and only told her at Christmas time.
She had suspected something about me all along (14 yrs)
We talked and talked and talked and I mean hard open no hold bar'd talks. Once she and we started to figure out what the whole truth was the talks became much smoother.
These talks included my deepest fears and depressions as well as hers. . One thing we never did was push each other in a direction, we allowed the conversations to go where ever they went.
She really needs to know honestly how this is affecting you and she needs to be able to express how it's affecting her, you need to also understand she is going to think this will make your sa nd her relationship a lesbian relationship which may weird her out. This is not going to be easy or maybe even possible in some cases but if you don't try you will never know. One big thing is my wife started to see and feel how much better a person I was becoming. This helped her and last week she said it is in her mind that living with me as a happy and supporting partner is better than living with out me. When you considered I had been described as a thunder cloud with class 5 tornado outbreaks as my personality I'm am a much better person. Hopefully you have a way of showing her this side of you gently. One other thing is if you do start the conversation watch the amount of time you talk about yourself and how good this makes you feel and how many compliments you get etc it may be interpreted as rubbing it in her face.
I really hope you can make it work somehow , these are my thoughts and some of my many mistakes. ultimately you need to do it your way but hopefully you can get some pointers from others that have already pasted this point.

I live in this territory. So here is my take on the situation.

The question becomes, what is wrong with or bad about her?

Her man is broken. What did She do?

It's not just about you anymore. She needs her own therapist (not yours).

This situation has broken her sense of self.

I hope this helps a little.

Ally

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You know, she asked me, crying, a few days ago, if this meant I was gay.  I politely did not argue that if I identify as a woman liking men wouldn't make me gay, but I did reassure her that I am attracted to women, specifically her, and that hasn't changed.  I understand this turns her world on it's head, but I didn't ask for it either.  She made it a point to say that age wouldn't find me attractive anymore because she doesn't like "butch women".  You know, I really am not using this forum to bad mouth her.  I love her.  I just have nobody I can talk to.  Thanks for being supportive everyone.  It really does mean a lot

Freyja

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Hi Freyja,

My ex and I tried hard to stay together but in the end we divorced and separated. I would recommend the try hard part as well as being yourself part. In the end it comes down to are the two of you able to adapt. It takes time and hard work and willingness to change.

Ultimatums and blame will not be productive. Be honest, be yourself and be compassionate to her and yourself.

Transitioning for me was about survival. I would love to be young and beautiful and start out life as in the correct gender. I can not change the past. I can be me now and I can change the future. I can accept myself for who I am and forgive myself for not having the strength to be myself in the past.

What you are experiencing was the most difficult part of my journey.

Chiming in here as a SO, all I can say is give her time, keep communicating and take things as slowly as you can. I understand how your wife feels and I have used similar ultimatums too. I too asked if he was gay (silly I know). In the end - and we are nowhere near the end, and neither am I anywhere near total acceptance - I've had to accept that he is what he is (he doesn't use female pronouns) and needs to do all he can to become a complete human being - which he feels he hasn't been for 62 years.
I also worry about the sexual attraction - I have told him that I don't think I will find him attractive as a female, but so far, we are doing ok sexually (actually our sex life is better than it has been for years)  so we have to see how it goes. He hasn't started HRT yet, nor is he presenting female. I can live with how things are, but the future is very unclear. Taking it day by day. Which is REALLY hard and I have days of screaming and raging, other days of quiet acceptance and, dare I say, weary resignation. It's very tiring, so please give your wife some leeway. Allow her and expect her to rage sometimes. Be patient. I've never had to deal with anything as seismic as this in my entire 59 years.
We both know we love each other and are both prepared to make some sacrifices for each other. Staying together is our number one priority.
Good luck.
Syl

Sometimes people have "progressive views" to make themselves liked by others. When those same issues suddenly appear in their own lives, it's another matter.

2 weeks isn't much time for it to sink in though, at the least give it some more time. It can take years to adapt to unfortunately

Giving time and her seeing the changes may help her.  Remember, you have known about this much, much longer than her.

Hugs, Jessica

I am Eurasian and come from a family with many gays and lesbians so no prejudices. However, there is responsibility and duty to our family.  I guess we are more family oriented to our parents children and spouse. I only transitioned after my commitments were fufilled. I am a buddhist and l appreaciate each day. i had a great life as a male and had my srs at 66. At that age no one cares aboit RLE To live two lives in a lifetime is amazing. I feel and look 25 years younger. So there is no rush.

A few thoughts.

Progressive views do not equate wanting or accepting of a female spouse, you can no more expect her sexual attraction to change for her then, then you could expect a gay or lesbians sexual attraction to change. They are two entirely different issues, so yes a person can be supportive of the LGBT community and not be attracted to a Transgender woman.

I understand your pain, I experienced it in my first marriage, but you need to understand what your coming out has done to her world. You revealed a ten plus year secret to her, a secret that sets in motion an endless set of questions, her sexuality, what did she do wrong, if you hid this what else are you hiding, can she trust you, the list goes on; there is no security in her world now, no rock she can lean on, up is down and down is up.

You both should also find local support groups, online is a help, but trust me you both are going need people in your area that understand what you are going through.

I can only tell you with assurance one thing, you can't fix the damage created by coming out to her, she needs a therapist and you both will need sessions together. Most marriages don't survive this and honestly it has little to do with not being able to accept you, or even a lack of love, but one of her needs. In the end, you both are who you are and nothing can alter that.

I wish I could be more encouraging, I can only say that you will get through this, it's not be easy, it's probably not going to turn out the way you want it, but you will get through it and be the better for it in the end.

I had somebody like her some years ago, please if possible leave her, I can tell you from experience, it doesn't matter what she says, she will not stop being hurtful and mean, you deserve better than an unaccepting wife, remember also that you don't need to lose contact with your children if you decide to continue your live on your own.

Quote from: Alanna1990 on May 05, 2018, 01:36:52 PM
I had somebody like her some years ago, please if possible leave her, I can tell you from experience, it doesn't matter what she says, she will not stop being hurtful and mean, you deserve better than an unaccepting wife, remember also that you don't need to lose contact with your children if you decide to continue your live on your own.

I think thats a little rough. Look at it from her shoes. She has had one of the foundations of her life taken away. She isn't being hurtful and mean on purpose. She is hurting inside and also needs time - maybe years to fully understand the implications of transition. I think if you have invested a lot in a relationship you should at least try to keep it. Its likely that it won't turn out the way you hope, but if you never try how will you know?

Quote from: krobinson103 on May 05, 2018, 02:34:50 PM
I think thats a little rough. Look at it from her shoes. She has had one of the foundations of her life taken away. She isn't being hurtful and mean on purpose. She is hurting inside and also needs time - maybe years to fully understand the implications of transition. I think if you have invested a lot in a relationship you should at least try to keep it. Its likely that it won't turn out the way you hope, but if you never try how will you know?

life taught me to not waste time with people like her, as they're egotistical, they can't understand the inner struggle of somebody like us, I suffered way too much at the hands of somebody like her, as a result I have no empathy for a non-supportive wife

Quote from: Alanna1990 on May 05, 2018, 02:39:01 PM
life taught me to not waste time with people like her, as they're egotistical, they can't understand the inner struggle of somebody like us, I suffered way too much at the hands of somebody like her, as a result I have no empathy for a non-supportive wife

That's nice.

Empathy is a two way street.

Hi Freyja,

I wish I could say there was a magic pill to fix what your going through with your spouse or some easy fix, however the true fix does take time and comes with no guarantees. I'm in the unique situation of having transitioned and now being the SO of my spouse who is genderfluid and moving in that direction. The big thing to remember is that early on for us it is a shock. I knew it was possible and even that didn't change the shock. First you need to do is keep talking with her and finding some common ground. Secondly, both of you need to be in therapy to help you through this as you progress along transition. Remember just as we transition, so does our friends, family, and spouses around us. It also means I had to do the same in regards to my spouse too. One of things your going to need to figure out is what you want and need to accomplish from transition. Then you need to over time find out what your spouse will be okay with. Does this result in things you need that she won't be okay with; Possibly. The big thing is you need to find what you can and can not compromise on and slowly move forward as to give your spouse time to adjust. Anyways hope everything works out well between the two of you. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: FreyjaValkyrie on May 04, 2018, 08:38:56 PM
Hi all,

I was wondering if anybody else has had this situation and if so has any advice.  I came out to my wife a couple weeks back.  We have fought about it every day since.  She was, before all this, a very liberal, progressive, accepting person.  We talked a lot in the past about how great it is that this or that institution was becoming more accepting of trans people.  I thought she would be the same with me.   How wrong I was.  She's called me every hurtful thing under the sun, screamed about how much she hates it and how this isn't what she wanted out of life.  Tonight, she's given me the ultimatum, "fix it" or she walks.  We've been married for 10 years.  I love her very much, We have 2 children together (who are, incidentally, totally cool with me being trans).  I feel crushed, deflated, about as far away from the alpha male I was or the alpha female I am as I've ever been.  I don't even know how to answer.  There is no cure, no magic pill to make it go away.  What am I supposed to do?

Still fighting,
Freyja

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When a married man transitions to female, the spouse has every right to be upset. Being married to someone like us is not what they signed up for.  In my situation, the only satisfactory conclusion is to divorce. Divorce is something every married transitioner must consider.

Many of us chose to continue to suffer in silence to avoid divorce. However, when the marriage is badly broken for other reasons as well, we must consider divorce.